Today my son would have been two months old. I miss him every minute of everyday, and while I'd do anything to change the reality that we face, I can't. So I choose (thanks Kellie for the reminder) to celebrate this day.
I talked last month that I was going to spend every 13th of the month highlighting one of the blessings I'm thankful for because of Noah. Today I choose to talk about my partner in this journey, the person whose held us together, and who continues to put my needs first. Today I give extra thanks to the person who has stayed by my side from the very beginning... Jarrett.
Most people know Jarrett and I have known each other since we were babies... literally, we attended the same preschool. And while we've been together for what seems our entire lives, we actually started dating when he was 16 and I was 15.
I liked him for many years and always considered him one of my best male friends. We hung around the same circle of friends. I was (still am) impressed by Jarrett's intelligence. He's the smartest person I've ever met and when he sets his mind to something, he's determined he's going to accomplish it. These are just some of the qualities, I love and admire in him.
When we started dating, we wanted to spend as much time as we could together. And that's a feeling I believe we both feel just as strongly today. When I was admitted to the hospital back on June 7th, my husband stayed by my side every single day. He slept in a tiny, very uncomfortable chair that hardly reclined. He froze under the air vent while I laid in a huge adjustable bed, and had my every need attended to. Jarrett and I joked that the pin he would wear everyday (to get the discount at the cafeteria) that read, "Partner in Caring" really did live up to the saying. He helped me through some really hard times, psychically took care of me as I went to the bathroom every 45 minutes, 24 hours a day for 6 days straight and he held my hand as we lived through the scariest, most challenging, and the best days of our lives. He was there through it all.
Even though most days he was freezing, he didn't complain. I tried to share my blankets with him.
I look back now and realize, never once did he even think about leaving my side. Of course, with the way everything happened, neither one of us had prepared to be gone from work. Jarrett had piles of work, deadlines to meet, clients to help, and from the moment this journey started, he put my needs, above it all.
While we've been discharged from the hospital for 58 days now, Jarrett's commitment to me, to us, to our family has remained strong as stone. I'm not gonna lie, there have been some very bad days at our house in the weeks and almost 2 months following Noah's passing. There are some days, I write about and don't share here, but keep forever locked away in my own journal. This journey has been harder than I ever imagined life could get, and still I find, my rock providing the support, when I'm too weak to hold up the structure.
In our new membership to the Infant Loss Support Group, Suzanne recently posted a picture to our Facebook group...
And as I read it, I immediately thought about Jarrett. I know people are asking him about me. I see the text messages back and forth between him and members of my family back home in Iowa. I'm sure people ask him about how I am, how the kids are, and I hope they are asking how he is. Jarrett says they are. But I wonder if Jarrett can really share with others how he feels. I don't know if he feels like he has to continue to remain strong for us, for me. I am sure he does. I know we grieve differently and we are in this process together, but I think he hurts as much as I do.
In being that support for us, Jarrett comes home earlier from work so he can spend time with the kids before they go to bed, he tries to be around more on the weekends, when previously he would have worked at least one if not both days on the weekends, and he sits more regularly with me at night, when previously he would have worked. I know he's doing his best to balance all the balls floating in the air and sometimes I wonder if he'd so focused on keeping up with all his responsibilities, that he puts his own needs and wants so far back, that he never gets around to it.
When we were going through the days of Noah's time here, Jarrett learned he was selected for what I think to be a huge award. Jarrett was selected by the Phoenix Business Journal as one of the 2015 Class of 40 under 40. The article about the award states, the honorees are dynamic leaders in their business and industries. They strive to inspire, innovate and instigate change. They have an entrepreneurial spirit- whether they are running their own companies, or leading change and growth from within organizations. These men and women already are champions in their for-profit and nonprofit world, and will help lead this community for years to come. Of over 400 nominees, he was selected to be one of 40.
Never once did he mention it. It was only later, weeks later, after the chaos had slowed, family returned home and our lives were back to "our new normal" that I asked him how his work was, what was new with his day, that he shared. Never bragging, almost downplaying it saying, "I'm honored," and in the next breath, "I miss our son." I'm proud of him for his accomplishment and while he's not one to brag or even talk about his accolades, I'll shout it from the rooftops, he deserves it.
Since Noah's passing, I've shared I find myself pulling away, internalizing everything that has happened, which makes it difficult for me to be present with everything going on around me. I try and some days I'm better at it than others. I also see, while I try to be supportive to him, I feel I don't deserve to feel his embrace, or the love from the kids. Its a personal thing I struggle with, I think because of the guilt I carry in what I must have done to cause this.
Last December when Jarrett and I drove home from Christmas in Iowa, we had a lot of time to talk (1700 miles of talking), and if there is one benefit of driving across the country in a van with three kids and a DVD player, its that you get a chance to talk.
In that conversation, Jarrett and I talked about our lives, how it was so different than we thought it was going to be back in 2003 when we got married. How we had faced some trials, some challenges, but had been blessed in so many ways, especially with the kids. We talked about how we were happy we had each other and that we were many uncertainties in life but, we never once questioned our relationship. In our talk I asked Jarrett what else he wanted out of life, what future dreams he had. I'll never forget his answer and can picture his response that day driving through Kansas as clearly as I can picture the moments of Noah's birth.
He reached across the center counsel, grabbed my hand and said, "We are so blessed to have Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle and I love them with my full heart, but one thing I dream about is getting to have a baby with you." I smiled and tightened the grip of our hands embracing. He knew that was the dream I had carried in my heart from when I was a little girl and wanted nothing more than to give him a child for many many years. Having Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle, fulfilled my dream to become a mother and after my sister became pregnant I had finally let that dream go. Hearing Jarrett share his dream, that was still so strongly felt in his heart, made me happy he hadn't let go of it.
I'm not sure why we got pregnant just a few weeks after that conversation, especially after all of those years of trying, but it happened. Our dream did come true, Noah was the gift we both so badly wanted. He showed me that dreams to come true, even if the story didn't end the way we wanted it to. And Noah showed me that the man I married back on August 9, 2003 was an even better man than I realized (and I thought I had won the lottery in getting a good man).
Many nights I lay in bed, awake, thinking about life and feel bad that I haven't been the mother, daughter, sister, friend and partner I was prior to this happening. I don't feel as present as I was before, as attentive to other's needs or wants, or even as loving as I feel I use to be. Its the hurt, its the anger and its the grief, that I attribute these actions to. Of the many reasons I feel bad for the way I've coped with this tragedy, I feel most badly about how I've not been there to support Jarrett. Lately, its a one way street- he's guiding me down this path, while I drag my feet behind, not interested in going any further.
And so, as I think about the last 68 days, I give thanks to Jarrett. I'm thankful that he's stayed by my side. That he hasn't given up. That he knows what to say when I need to hear it, and when to not say anything. Maybe that the benefit of knowing someone for 20 years, you know them so well, its almost like knowing yourself.
Jarrett, I am sorry for how weak I've been. I'm sorry I haven't been there like you've been there for me. I am grateful you haven't given up on us, on me, or on our family. I love you more today than I did yesterday and can't imagine walking this horrific road with anyone other than you. I'm just sorry we are on this path. I wish more than anything I could have carried our son for another 15 weeks and that he would have come home into our arms. I am sorry for my part in the ending to this story, but I'm thankful even more for us, than I've ever been.
While Noah's life was tragically cut short, he showed us love in ways we didn't know. He shows us how strong we could be together, and Jarrett, he showed me that together we created a pretty amazing baby.
Jarrett, I hope you know how much I love and care about you. I hope you realize, while I spend many nights quietly thinking at the front living room table, I long for our lives to get better. I want there to be a silver lining in this pain. I want to see our life as the rainbow after the storm. I want to have faith and hope that better days are in our future. But mostly I want those days to be with you. You are the rock in our family, the concrete foundation in our shaking ground. I need you. I'm thankful for you. Thank you for helping to give me Noah, for loving our children, and for always being "my partner in caring."
I love you.
Angie
I talked last month that I was going to spend every 13th of the month highlighting one of the blessings I'm thankful for because of Noah. Today I choose to talk about my partner in this journey, the person whose held us together, and who continues to put my needs first. Today I give extra thanks to the person who has stayed by my side from the very beginning... Jarrett.
Most people know Jarrett and I have known each other since we were babies... literally, we attended the same preschool. And while we've been together for what seems our entire lives, we actually started dating when he was 16 and I was 15.
When we started dating, we wanted to spend as much time as we could together. And that's a feeling I believe we both feel just as strongly today. When I was admitted to the hospital back on June 7th, my husband stayed by my side every single day. He slept in a tiny, very uncomfortable chair that hardly reclined. He froze under the air vent while I laid in a huge adjustable bed, and had my every need attended to. Jarrett and I joked that the pin he would wear everyday (to get the discount at the cafeteria) that read, "Partner in Caring" really did live up to the saying. He helped me through some really hard times, psychically took care of me as I went to the bathroom every 45 minutes, 24 hours a day for 6 days straight and he held my hand as we lived through the scariest, most challenging, and the best days of our lives. He was there through it all.
 |
 |
| Jarrett decided that I had the more comfortable bed. On our last day when we had checked out. |
I look back now and realize, never once did he even think about leaving my side. Of course, with the way everything happened, neither one of us had prepared to be gone from work. Jarrett had piles of work, deadlines to meet, clients to help, and from the moment this journey started, he put my needs, above it all.
While we've been discharged from the hospital for 58 days now, Jarrett's commitment to me, to us, to our family has remained strong as stone. I'm not gonna lie, there have been some very bad days at our house in the weeks and almost 2 months following Noah's passing. There are some days, I write about and don't share here, but keep forever locked away in my own journal. This journey has been harder than I ever imagined life could get, and still I find, my rock providing the support, when I'm too weak to hold up the structure.
In our new membership to the Infant Loss Support Group, Suzanne recently posted a picture to our Facebook group...
And as I read it, I immediately thought about Jarrett. I know people are asking him about me. I see the text messages back and forth between him and members of my family back home in Iowa. I'm sure people ask him about how I am, how the kids are, and I hope they are asking how he is. Jarrett says they are. But I wonder if Jarrett can really share with others how he feels. I don't know if he feels like he has to continue to remain strong for us, for me. I am sure he does. I know we grieve differently and we are in this process together, but I think he hurts as much as I do.
In being that support for us, Jarrett comes home earlier from work so he can spend time with the kids before they go to bed, he tries to be around more on the weekends, when previously he would have worked at least one if not both days on the weekends, and he sits more regularly with me at night, when previously he would have worked. I know he's doing his best to balance all the balls floating in the air and sometimes I wonder if he'd so focused on keeping up with all his responsibilities, that he puts his own needs and wants so far back, that he never gets around to it.
When we were going through the days of Noah's time here, Jarrett learned he was selected for what I think to be a huge award. Jarrett was selected by the Phoenix Business Journal as one of the 2015 Class of 40 under 40. The article about the award states, the honorees are dynamic leaders in their business and industries. They strive to inspire, innovate and instigate change. They have an entrepreneurial spirit- whether they are running their own companies, or leading change and growth from within organizations. These men and women already are champions in their for-profit and nonprofit world, and will help lead this community for years to come. Of over 400 nominees, he was selected to be one of 40.
Never once did he mention it. It was only later, weeks later, after the chaos had slowed, family returned home and our lives were back to "our new normal" that I asked him how his work was, what was new with his day, that he shared. Never bragging, almost downplaying it saying, "I'm honored," and in the next breath, "I miss our son." I'm proud of him for his accomplishment and while he's not one to brag or even talk about his accolades, I'll shout it from the rooftops, he deserves it.
Since Noah's passing, I've shared I find myself pulling away, internalizing everything that has happened, which makes it difficult for me to be present with everything going on around me. I try and some days I'm better at it than others. I also see, while I try to be supportive to him, I feel I don't deserve to feel his embrace, or the love from the kids. Its a personal thing I struggle with, I think because of the guilt I carry in what I must have done to cause this.
Last December when Jarrett and I drove home from Christmas in Iowa, we had a lot of time to talk (1700 miles of talking), and if there is one benefit of driving across the country in a van with three kids and a DVD player, its that you get a chance to talk.
 |
| One of the quiet moments, when all three of them fell asleep. |
He reached across the center counsel, grabbed my hand and said, "We are so blessed to have Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle and I love them with my full heart, but one thing I dream about is getting to have a baby with you." I smiled and tightened the grip of our hands embracing. He knew that was the dream I had carried in my heart from when I was a little girl and wanted nothing more than to give him a child for many many years. Having Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle, fulfilled my dream to become a mother and after my sister became pregnant I had finally let that dream go. Hearing Jarrett share his dream, that was still so strongly felt in his heart, made me happy he hadn't let go of it.
I'm not sure why we got pregnant just a few weeks after that conversation, especially after all of those years of trying, but it happened. Our dream did come true, Noah was the gift we both so badly wanted. He showed me that dreams to come true, even if the story didn't end the way we wanted it to. And Noah showed me that the man I married back on August 9, 2003 was an even better man than I realized (and I thought I had won the lottery in getting a good man).
Many nights I lay in bed, awake, thinking about life and feel bad that I haven't been the mother, daughter, sister, friend and partner I was prior to this happening. I don't feel as present as I was before, as attentive to other's needs or wants, or even as loving as I feel I use to be. Its the hurt, its the anger and its the grief, that I attribute these actions to. Of the many reasons I feel bad for the way I've coped with this tragedy, I feel most badly about how I've not been there to support Jarrett. Lately, its a one way street- he's guiding me down this path, while I drag my feet behind, not interested in going any further.
And so, as I think about the last 68 days, I give thanks to Jarrett. I'm thankful that he's stayed by my side. That he hasn't given up. That he knows what to say when I need to hear it, and when to not say anything. Maybe that the benefit of knowing someone for 20 years, you know them so well, its almost like knowing yourself.
Jarrett, I am sorry for how weak I've been. I'm sorry I haven't been there like you've been there for me. I am grateful you haven't given up on us, on me, or on our family. I love you more today than I did yesterday and can't imagine walking this horrific road with anyone other than you. I'm just sorry we are on this path. I wish more than anything I could have carried our son for another 15 weeks and that he would have come home into our arms. I am sorry for my part in the ending to this story, but I'm thankful even more for us, than I've ever been.
While Noah's life was tragically cut short, he showed us love in ways we didn't know. He shows us how strong we could be together, and Jarrett, he showed me that together we created a pretty amazing baby.
Jarrett, I hope you know how much I love and care about you. I hope you realize, while I spend many nights quietly thinking at the front living room table, I long for our lives to get better. I want there to be a silver lining in this pain. I want to see our life as the rainbow after the storm. I want to have faith and hope that better days are in our future. But mostly I want those days to be with you. You are the rock in our family, the concrete foundation in our shaking ground. I need you. I'm thankful for you. Thank you for helping to give me Noah, for loving our children, and for always being "my partner in caring."
I love you.
Angie
You and Jarrett are very blessed indeed to have such a loving marriage. What a gift Noah gave you in bringing you even closer together as a couple, and fulfilling your dream of making a baby together.
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