MaeLyn and Aaron's Special day...

9 months ago my sister MaeLyn wed the love of her life Aaron.  It was a beautiful celebration filled with many special touches that created memories to last a lifetime.  MaeLyn and Aaron’s wedding was a celebration of all celebrations and I think to them it not only signified the joy and anticipation they share in looking toward the future, but also a nod to their past, all they’ve had to overcome and a final dis to the challenges they’ve overcome in their time together.

Watch this video which perfectly captures their beautiful day...

https://vimeo.com/141759252 

While I didn’t blog about it back then, I definitely wanted to recount their wedding here, because it was a significant time in their life, it truly was a joyous celebration and I look back now and am thankful for all the extra touches my sister and brother-in- law did to honor Noah and the difficult time we were in.

Here is the link to some pictures from their wonderful celebration.

 http://jadesigns.pixieset.com/aaronandmaelyn-2148241/

While there were many special parts to their day, some of my favorites were watching Aaron see MaeLyn for the first time, hearing them exchange their vows, watching as they soaked up the moments of being surrounded in love by so many, and by seeing just how happy they were.

Some other of my favorite moments were watching my children being able to be a  part of a wedding.  The kids LOVED getting all dressed up in their “Better-than-Sunday-Dress” and to dance the night away playing, drinking soda and staying up WAY past their bedtime.

The kids LOVED playing with the rose petals after the wedding.  It "rained" roses several times. 

  I was emotional about being there, it was so hard for me in some ways as I knew I was instead supposed to be in Arizona, with less than 2 weeks to go until my due date, pregnant with Noah.  Instead Noah made his presence known by showing us a tiny rainbow in the sky in the middle of a beautifully sunny fall day. 

 And MaeLyn and Aaron decided to incorporate Noah’s importance in our lives by having a memorial candle I got to light at the ceremony, listing him as an honorary groomsmen and picking their first dance of the night to be “Baby Noah’s Song… Stand Up and Dance with Me.”

MaeLyn and my other sister Megan decided that the first song would actually be a song the entire wedding party would get to dance to, a choreographed dance number where we learned special moves and then performed almost like a flash mob at the dance.  It was fun to learn the moves especially to watch the groomsmen (especially those who are musically challenged) try to learn the dance.   And then the day of, when it was time to actually show those who were in attendance at the wedding our song, it was a lot of fun!

I’ve thought many times since their wedding day about that performance and about the extra things they did to honor our tiniest angel.  I don’t think I ever verbally told MaeLyn and Aaron how much it meant to me.  How much it still does.  I know that weekend I was very emotional…. I wasn’t in the happiest place, and I had a hard time with the grief that was holding me down.  I love my sister and Aaron tremendously and I feel bad that my sadness was still so present despite my happiness for what they were experiencing. 

When I first found out I was pregnant with Noah and realized my due date was going to put me in a situation of being unable to be at their wedding, I felt bad.  I tried everything I could to negotiate a way to be at their wedding and when I realized there just wasn’t a chance, I felt bad.  Sometimes I wonder if my guilt about not being able to be at their wedding was a reason why Noah came so early.  I guess I’ll never know, it is probably a guilt I’ll carry around the rest of my life and something I pray to God was not the real reason my water broke so early and Noah had to leave us. 

Those were the thoughts that ran through my mind as I returned to Iowa for the first time after losing my son.  Those were the judgements I worried I had vocalized in this blog and that readers may think about as I stood up next to my sister on her special day.  I confided in Jarrett who told me that my thoughts were not accurate, that my fears irrational and that I should do my best to be in the moment, for one day I was going to look back on MaeLyn’s wedding and be able to see it as an event of love and joy… not of our deep sadness.

And that’s how I feel today.  I can look back at the pictures, the videos of the love expressed on that day and realize, that while my heart was broken and consumed by the loss of my son, there was so much love shared in those few days, that it’s impossible not to remember their wedding with anything but joy.

Thank you MaeLyn and Aaron for letting us be a part of your wonderful day, for the extra special touches you included to honor and remember Noah and for the fun and joy you shared with us.  Your wedding was a beautiful tribute to the amazing individuals you are, to the faith that you have that good will always overcome tragedy and that love conquers all.

Congratulations on your 9^th month of marriage…. To many more and to a wedding celebration that will be remembered for the ages.

Until next time,

Angie

The great wait...for baby.

Yep, I'm still pregnant.  Yep, still waddling around feeling huge.  Yep, she's as comfy as comfy can be inside.  Yes... just like you, I can hardly believe it.

Today marks 38 weeks and 2 days.  I seriously can't even wrap my head around the fact that baby girl is still inside.  While I honestly never thought we'd get this far, in some ways realizing we are actually at 38 weeks is just as remarkable to me as is the fact she appears to be super happy to be inside.

I've been off the medication now for over 2 weeks and I can honestly say this is the best I've felt the entire pregnancy.  Yes, I have constant contractions but they no longer scare me and I think that's why I welcome them.  Also I finally feel like a human again... that darn nifedipine made me feel... well, I've gone on enough about that.  Third, I've gotten to a point where I realize every jab, movement, push of her foot or elbow could be one of the last movements I feel of her inside, and I've come to cherish, to love and record each an every love tap she shares with me.

Last Friday I went to the doctor for my weekly stress test and for the first time in two weeks I was able to see Dr. A again.  He had been out of the office, but was back and I was so happy to see him.  He walked in and said, "Its nice to see you here, but I have to admit I'm a little surprised."  I replied with the same sentiments and we went on to have a conversation I NEVER thought I'd have.  He mentioned the "I" word.  Yes, that's right.... INDUCTION.

How in the world did we get to this point after I spent the last 25 plus weeks taking every precaution out there to make sure she didn't come.  Now we are talking about making her come.  The irony.  Dr. A said that he wouldn't want me to go past my due date and since the 22nd falls on a Sunday, he suggested that we set the date of induction for next Thursday, May 19th.  That's the last day of the boy's school, and the same day my parents fly back in for a visit.  I said that sounds great but decided to wait to ask specific questions about what exactly induction looks like until this Friday.  I was convinced in my mind, my personal efforts of walking...cleaning, scrubbing, moving like I haven't moved in months would pay off... as of today, they've just served as reminders of what life will be like again in a few days, only then I'll have 4 children to watch while trying to maintain it all.

So there it is... Sweetie Pie will be here in 9 days or less. Let me say it again, 9 days or less. As excited as I am to welcome her, as much as I can't wait to see what she actually looks like when she's born, I selfishly realize that's only 9 days left that she will forever be reliant just upon me.  For the past 9 months I have given her everything she's needed.  My body provided life for her.  And just as much as she saved me, my body was that for her... her refuge, her protector, her everything.  How often in life do we get to be that for someone else?  I can't think of any other time, when one person, one thing is all we ever need.

If I'm being honest its such an emotional time.  I can tell my emotions are all over the road.  I try to keep them under control as I process just what is happening.  Some days I'm better than others.  Some days I think Jarrett wonders who in the world he's living with.  Maybe its just hormones.  I think it's just the reality of all that's about to happen, of all that has happened and how life will change.  Yesterday morning as the whole family made our morning drop offs, we were talking about the baby and if she was going to come today.  The kids have been telling everyone they see that their baby sister is going to come "today"- for the last three weeks.  It's obvious they are excited.  Yesterday morning Gabriel said, "Mom, do you have an ultrasound today to weigh the baby?"  Before I could even answer Michael interrupted and said, "I think she probably weighs 11 pounds by now."  I seriously almost broke down in tears.  I realized fully Michael has not a single clue as to how much she should weigh, but just the thought of that made me scream inside, "OUCH!"  I'm holding on to faith that he's WAY off.

Today was our actual ultrasound and for me they continue to be the mental reassurance I need that everything is okay.  The moment Marybeth puts the wand on my stomach, I automatically look for that heartbeat and when I see it beating strong, I release a huge sigh of relief.

She's okay.  I don't think I'll ever stop worrying about her, but seeing her on the outside will hopefully give me some reassurance I can't always see from the outside of my belly.

Baby girl is still head down and in position for birth.  She's got plenty of fluid (actually more than plenty) and she seems to be shedding the vernix (the covering that's protected her skin for all these months of being in water). Guess that's an indication she's getting ready for life outside of her warm watery cocoon.

Each and every week I see her, I find myself more and more in love.  To me, just like my other kids, she is the most beautiful little baby I've ever seen.  Her full cheeks, her pretty perfect lips and her pudgy hands.... I can't wait to see them in real life.  Such a wonderful moment to look forward to.

 Look at those lips all puckered, ready to be kissed and kisses ready to share.

So here we are in the great wait.  I'm very thankful for all the messages those of you have reached out to send.  To ask if we have the baby yet, if there is any news to share and to ask how I'm feeling.  I can't wait to share the update with you that she's finally decided to come.  But I guess until then, all we can do is wait.

I've never been good at demonstrating patience, so I tell myself this is another learning opportunity for me.  And while I want to meet her, I want even more for her arrival to be safe and with the reassurance that she is healthy.

So baby girl, you take the time you need.  You enjoy those last few days of warm, comfort inside.  For as my friend Bilha reminded me, "You paid rent for 40 weeks, and so you still get some time before you have to come.... were just gonna make you come at 39 weeks and 4 days."

All my love to you my precious daughter.  I can't wait to hold you on the outside.  Thanks for making me feel so wonderful on the inside.  You'll never know how much you mean to me.  You restored my faith, you gave me hope and so so much more.  I love you Sweetie Pie.

Momma will wait for you...

Until next time,
Angie

Updates from the big kids...

It seems like the last few weeks (okay months) have been filled with activities and updates of exciting things that have been happening with the kids and I've been spending lots of time here talking about Sweetie Pie, I thought it was time to catch up on what else has been going on...

Living History Museum:

Before spring break, Michael and his class had been working on a research project. They had spent the previous month,  Michael and the rest of the 3^rd grade team working on their living history project.  Each student was allowed to pick a famous person in history who the student found to be interesting.  Michael’s class got to select from the past U.S. Presidents or first ladies.  Michael, after careful consideration, and seeking Dad’s perspective, selected President Franklin Delano Roosevelt. 

Michael dressed as FDR.

While at school Michael did most of his research learning about FDR, often coming home at night sharing an interesting fact or historical detail of FDR’s life.  Then it was time to work on his poster at home to bring in for his presentation at school.  As the two most stubborn members in our family, Michael and I tried to work together on putting his presentation together.  Soon we discovered he wanted to do it on his own, and soon after that decided that maybe Mom’s slight creativity talent could help him instead.  So the following day we started working on his poster again.  We made a trip to the dollar store where we gathered the supplies he needed, including a pair of reading glasses similar to the ones FDR wore, so he’d look even more authentic.  Dad busted out the lenses so we didn’t hurt Michael’s eyes and Michael prepared his suit complete with a small American flag to take as a prop.

The Friday before spring break started Michael went to school, with costume in hand and speech in mind and presented to his peers, parents and other teachers, the story of FDF in his words.  Michael did a GREAT job.  He was one of a handful of students who memorized his entire speech, and he even went above and beyond, asking the health officer if he could borrow her wheelchair to sit in while he presented because he learned that when FDF was president he was in a wheelchair because of having polio.

Michael reciting his speech to the students at his school

Nana, Isabelle, Dad and I went to the school to watch Michael present and we were all very impressed.  Many kids were gathered around him, I think the wheelchair made his appearance even more interesting and we watched with great pride as he shared all he had learned. 

That afternoon when Michael came home he was so excited and dug the grading form out of his bag right away.  “Look Mom!” he exclaimed, “I got a perfect score!”  He then thanked me for helping him with his poster, saying, “It looked so much better when we worked on it together.” 

It was really fun to watch Michael go from dreading this project and being “forced” to look up 10 interesting facts at home for his timeline, to watching as he completely got behind it and found the project to be “fun.”   I loved seeing Michael with confidence as he shared publicly what he had learned and demonstrated great public speaking skills.  I know it’s not easy , but I think being able to speak publicly is a very important quality to develop.  I told him and Gabriel, they will come to appreciate the skill in being able to give a speech.  I was (still am) so proud of him and how well he did on his research project.

Michael (aka FDR) and his friend Bella (aka Susan B. Anthony)

Baseball, Baseball and more baseball:

Gabriel up to bat... here he is playing with some kids in the majors division. 

Gabriel and his team running out on opening day.

And then there’s been another activity that’s been filling out time… baseball.  Gabriel started baseball back in February and while I can absolutely say, I’ve done none of the running that goes along with it, I have tried to go to as many games as possible (where I sit in my new comfy chair Nana and Papa got for us).  It has been fun watching Gabriel be one of the leaders on the team, now the oldest age in the division, it is clear the younger 8 year olds look up to him and I see him enjoying taking on that leadership, think Team-Captain role.  This past weekend Gabriel was asked to play up a division, for the majors and he thought it was a big honor.  It was immediately following his minors game and such a transition watching him go from the loud, super-vocal ra-ra player in the dugout, to a super quiet, very reserved, observer with the much larger boys in majors.  It’s just a reminder that next year, he’ll be back to being the “little guy” on the team with so much to learn. 

Sing your heart out:

Last week, we were able to go to a concert at the after school program the boys attend.  Earlier this year the boys joined the after school singing club, and have been practicing performing several pop songs with their peers.  This past Wednesday, we were treated to a concert where they performed all that they had been working on.  We learned a few days before the concert that Gabriel decided he was “too cool” to sing, so we’d just be going to watch Michael.  And it wasn’t until we actually got to the school and saw the kids lined up that we found out all of the other boys had decided not to perform either… that is except Michael. 

 He and the group of about 20 girls stood up on stage and sang their hearts out to several different songs.  I just have to say, I am SO SO proud of Michael and watched with pure delight as he sang the lyrics of 6 different songs with great enthusiasm, confidence and obvious fun.  It has to take quite a bit of guts to stick it out after all the other guys decided they didn’t want to do it. 

And Michael even had a solo part during my favorite song, “Stand up and Dance”.  Of course I was too slow to the punch to record that part but got a few pictures to capture the moment.

Rainbows… and letters

And then there’s Isabelle.  She’s been staying very active too learning her letters and numbers at school.  Just in the past couple of months has she really taken an interest in learning what letters are in certain words.  Her teacher is wonderful at school and Isabelle has pretty much mastered writing all of her letters, both upper and lower case thanks to Ms. Irena.  Now about 50 times a day she asked me, “Mom what letter does ________ start with?” with about every word she thinks about.  Most of the time I turn it back around to her and sound out the word for her to be able to guess.  About 90% of the time she’s right only having trouble sometimes with W versus V and J versus G.  While I can’t imagine my little Isabelle being ready for Kindergarten, I’m seeing that indeed she is almost ready.  Thankfully Mom has another year of preschool left to emotionally prepare for that next journey.  Oh and here’s Isabelle outside her classroom by their bulletin board.  Isabelle LOVES to point out the pretty picture each day I pick her up… can you guess why?

And lately she's been really into dressing up and "looking pretty."  Here are a few of her posing after she got herself all ready...

And finally Mother’s Day.

Before it gets too far away, I just have to say how nice Jarrett and the kids made the day for me.  Yesterday afternoon we decided to go miniature golfing.  At first it was quite scary as I realized we had basically just given our children weapons they could have used to "accidentally" hit one another with as they tried to swing with all of their might.  Thankfully, after about 15 close calls, we made a rule no one could swing their club unless they were up to play and that everyone else had to stay about 5 feet back.  We left without anyone losing blood so all and all it was good.  The boys were of course competitive with one another, and Isabelle would try to swing at the ball once or twice, before just walking up to the ball, picking it up and walking it to the hole where she'd drop it in.  Jarrett was a good sport, taking away about 2 or 3 of my strokes so that Mom could win on Mother's Day, and he was a good sport to bend over and pick up the ball for me at each hole so I didn't have to "try" and bend over all that way.  

It was a lot of fun and I think all of us enjoyed it.

After the golf outing we stopped for ice cream on the way home, which of course made "Sweetie Pie" happy. :-)  And then we came home and played outside for a while.  Later in the afternoon dad and the boys decided they were going to make supper and boy did they outdo themselves.  They made seafood enchiladas with rice and fruit salad.  It was so tasty, I told Dad his meal was going to be added to the monthly food calendar for a couple of times.  Now that he's shown me he's such a great cook, we can't let such great talent go to waste.  They were super good!

And then, if the day couldn't get any better, the kids treated me to a "spa evening"  complete with a hair make over, a neck massage, a hand and foot massage with lotion to fix my "dried out" skin.  It was so nice and relaxing.  I told the kids and dad they had made mother's day very special and despite my crabbiness from being so uncomfortable, they willingly put up with me and made the day very nice.  

All in all, this was one spoiled momma yesterday.  

So much happening in the middle of such an exciting time.  Lots of blessings to be thankful for.  

Three healthy, active and good kids to give thanks for and hopefully soon, another one to join the craziness that is our life.

Until next time,

Angie

Mother's Day...

Tonight, I stood in the kitchen making sweet rolls for us to eat in the morning and I couldn't get Noah out of my mind.  I relived his last few hours over and over in my mind and I tried to remember myself walking out of the hospital after he passed.  The truth is, I think my memory has blocked it out, I can't remember even taking those steps.  I guess that's how one's body protects itself from something so painful.

And then I thought about tomorrow.... about Mother's Day and about Gabriel, Michael, Isabelle and Sweetie Pie.  I thought about what a wonderful gift it would be to have Sweetie Pie tonight or tomorrow and how it would remind me of Mother's Day from 2010, when I finally became a mom, when Gabriel and Michael gave me that gift.  As I walked around the kitchen making food for us to have in the morning, I couldn't figure out why my mind kept drifting back to Noah.  And then it hit me.... this is my first mother's day without him.  It should have also been my first mother's day with him.  That must be why there's a pulling at my side, a constant reminder... is it Noah tugging at my insides saying, "I'm here with you Momma."?  I don't know.

And as much as I miss him so so dearly, I've realized I'm never gonna get what I want, so I have to accept what I got, find joy in what I have had and how he continues to be a part of my life, and just take it for what it is... my reality.  Don't get me wrong, I'd wish for nothing more than to be holding him tomorrow morning, feeding him a bottle in the wee hours of the morning, watching as his hand would caress my fingers, how his eyes would move about and how at almost a year old he'd probably be squirming all over the place.  Oh what a wonderful Mother's Day present that would be.

Instead I'll have to visit him by looking up into the sky, I'll whisper my prayers and love to him as I do most days, when I find those quiet moments I try to take for myself and I'll just have to be grateful for those 12 days I had.

Mother's Day feels very different this year.  I'd actually be okay not celebrating it.  As happy as I am for what my life is now, and what we have to look forward to, its also a reminder that my motherly love is split between two galaxies.... one here and one in Heaven above.

I saw this quote last night in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep.

As I read the saying, I wished more than anything I wasn't a part of this group. I just pray someday I'm reunited with Noah and able to get to know him in the same way I've been blessed to know my other children.

So here's my truth on the eve of this Mother's Day.  While we have suffered great loss in losing Noah, we still were blessed to have him. We've also been blessed 4 more ways... and each of them have given me the greatest gift.... the gift of being Mom.

From these two little guys, who grew into my heart the moment we met....

To this little princess....

And then my angel baby...

And now our precious rainbow baby....

I once feared I'd never get to be a mother.  That the role I so desperately wanted was not meant for me.  Here I am now several years later realizing not only has my dream become a reality, but it has happened 5 times.  How lucky am I.

Mother's Day this year brings with it many emotions, from happiness to sadness... gratefulness to grief.  Looking at the pictures of my beautiful 5 children, I can't help but tell myself, boy have you been blessed.

Wishing all the mothers out there, a very blessed, relaxed and enjoyable mother's day.  I know of no other job that is as difficult, challenging, and stressful, but I also know that every mother I know wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.

And to those mothers-in-waiting, I send prayers to you.  I know the pain of wanting to be a mother and wondering if your day is ever going to come.  The pain is heart-wrenching and days like tomorrow are a firm reminder of just how difficult the journey can be.  I pray your days of waiting are short and that your prayers are answered soon.

Happy Mother's Day.

Until next time,
Angie

Who would have ever thought…. 37 plus weeks!

Sitting here today at 37 plus weeks pregnant, I can’t even believe it.  I think back to 22.5 weeks and how consumed by fear, controlled by the worry of being in pre-term labor,  I doubted we’d ever get to 27 weeks, let alone 37 weeks.  It is truly unbelievable, remarkable, and the answer to one of constant prayers.  We have been blessed.

It is crazy to think I’ve gone from thinking please don’t come out baby girl, please stay inside, to… okay, you ready now?  Momma is ready.  Come on out!  No seriously, its okay,  time to come out!

On Sunday Jarrett, the kids and I were driving home and while the kids fought with each other in the back (isn’t that how all families are?), Jarrett and I attempted to have a conversation.  Baby girl suddenly poked her foot out of my side in a way that pushed against my ribs and I said, “Jarrett feel her, she’s so strong”  He reached over as she moved her hand across my stomach.  He then start talking about how amazing it is we are this far.  Looking back now, I find myself wondering if all the precautions we’ve taken are the reasons why we are here today.  I have to believe yes.  From the bedrest, to the mandatory “take it easy”, don’t lift anything heavy, stay immobile, progesterone injections, the Motrin to control contractions, the nifedipine (YUCK), the constant monitoring by the doctors.  All of it…. So much extra intervention.  Was it all necessary?  I have to believe that each piece of this puzzle was critical in making sure we are here, at this moment today.  As I sit and think about it, the last 8 months have been spent exactly as Laurie prescribed many many weeks ago… your job is to bake a baby.  I guess that’s what I’ve done.  And truly I feel like my great dream is now here waiting to be born. 

Have the past 9 months been easy… nope.  Not gonna lie, it was hard to lie around, to get used to doing nothing, to be okay asking for so much help, and to tell myself… don’t get stressed, remember what’s best for the baby. I feel and know I haven’t been the “mother” I would have liked to have been to Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle these last 9 months.  Many nights I didn’t tuck the boys into bed, I was already in bed or laying around, so they’ve gotten use to Dad being their caretaker.  He checks their homework, gives them directions, runs them around, he’s their go-to parent… the role I use to play.  And there’s Isabelle, while I still try to stay involved with her, she still calls out for me, there were many mornings and evenings I didn’t take her to school, I’d put the TV on instead of playing with her (at least I laid next to her on the couch)and I barely got off the couch to do basic things, like brushing her teeth.  I felt guilty for many months about the number of hours she spent watching TV.  Guilt… guilt for what I wasn’t doing, guilt for what I was doing- nothing.    It sounds silly, to say that’s so tough, but it made me feel like I wasn’t being the person, doing the job, I had signed up to do.   As silly as that sounds, I realize the resounding messages I heard from Jarrett and my mother and father in law were right… “you have the most important job of growing that baby.”  I guess they were right all along. 

Sometimes I wish I could have been that superstar mom- the one who runs and maintains “abs” throughout pregnancy, juggles the work load at home, at her job, all the responsibility of the kids, AND grows a baby inside of her for nine months.  Seriously, that’s what all the movies and commercials about pregnancy portray no?  Then I remember what Laurie told me from early on… Angie, someone has to be the person who spends the majority of their pregnancy sick, throwing up, being put on bed rest, monitored weekly or more regularly, the one who has preterm labor, contractions and spends the majority of the pregnancy consumed by the worry about what could happen.  Lucky you, this was your calling.  Hearing Laurie put it to me that way, made me realize she’s right.  There’s no need to “wish” I had something different.  The truth is I actually lived my “wish” the last 9 months.  I’ve wanted to experience pregnancy and giving life and that’s exactly what I got.  Whom I to ask for anything else now. 

As the end of my pregnancy is here, I can’t help but think about the person I was 6 years ago this very week.  I was a 29 year old, married woman who wanted nothing more than to become a mother.  After many attempts at failed fertility treatments, overcoming the challenges of watching my husband battle cancer, unsuccessfully awaiting an adoption placement for more than a year and a half, I was feeling like the world was against us.  While I did my best to hold my head high, cling for hope and believe still my dream would come true, I wondered if I was really ever supposed to be a mom.  And then, in the middle of my deepest doubt… we got the call.  Jarrett and I had been selected to become the parents to two young boys… ages 3 and 4… Gabriel and Michael.  In an instant my world changed, my dream became my reality and thus our story on this blog was born. 

When I really sit down and think about it, the emotions of our life this past 6 years makes me feel weak in the knees.  The highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  And yet, in thinking about my entire life, these past 6 years have surely been the riskiest, the most challenging , the most stressful… but you know what else…. they’ve also been the greatest.  I’ve never felt happier, more love and that I’ve got the “world by the tail on a downward pull.”- That’s what my grandpa Ray always says when he talked about his life with his wife of 60 years.  He always recognized how great he had it and wasn’t afraid to share just how blessed he felt he was.   I can’t help but feel the same way.

I dream about getting to meet our newest angel… the one who has given me hope in life again, the reason why I've pulled myself out of bed the last 259 days and done the best I could to take care of myself. She has given me hope and faith that the world can have joy after the loss of Noah.  That my family needs me here just as much as I need them.  

What a transformation I've undergone, not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally.  

Speaking of the physical transformation.... I have never felt so huge.  I've officially hit the "I'm uncomfortable stage."  Moving is not the easiest, my feet ache when I walk, my back hurts, I eat Tums like  I drink water, speaking of that water gives me heartburn, and I sleep, well I don't sleep is a better way to put it.  And ask uncomfortable as I feel, it all disappears the minute we walk into the doctors office for our weekly ultrasound and get to see pictures of our little one.  It makes every moment worth it.

And I tell myself it will be the same moment of holding her in my arms, that will make every moment of labor worth it.  I can't wait for that feeling. 

Here are some pictures of baby girl this week.  As I watched her move about, breathing, drinking, stretching, sticking out her tongue and moving all across my belly this week, I couldn't help but think she looks like a newborn baby.  

Gone are the days of her tiny structure with skin laying her bony features, now she looks like a chunky little baby with cute cheeks, thick arms and legs... like the Gerber baby.  Looking at her picture I felt like I was looking at a newborn baby.... hopefully soon, I'll get to hold her and think that instead of looking at her through the screen.

I'm so in love with her.  Who would have ever thought, we'd get this far.  So many blessings, so much happiness.

Until next time,

Angie

Noah’s Garden

 Last summer after Noah passed away my parents decided they wanted to do something to honor their littlest grandbaby back in Iowa where they live.  My parents (mostly Mom) manages and runs a bed-n-breakfast, which has always been a dream of hers. In their backyard, they decided to turn what use to be a nice grassy area into a beautifully colored flower garden.  My dad and mom designed it, met with their local horticulturist and found the perfect layout…. The plants were planted last fall and while some of them bloomed, we were most excited about this spring as the full effect was to be witnessed.  See for yourself.

Just taken today... the beautiful colors starting to bloom

The result, a beautiful rainbow garden of gorgeous plants, colorful flowers all in the shape of a rainbow.  Isn’t it beautiful?  And Dad and Mom were specific in their planning of the garden having a stone memorial made to name, to dedicate the garden… Noah’s garden, complete with an angel… he will always be our littlest one.  And the garden is made to be enjoyed, to walk through, to sit and reflect.  Mom and Dad made sure the stepping pavers were placed in such a way they resembled a rainbow and guess how many stepping stones there are… 12, one for each day he lived.

Picture taken last fall after all the plants had been planted.  The 12 stepping stones in honor of each day he lived, placed in a shape resembling a rainbow.

So many symbolic tributes, so much love and meaning… such a beautiful place to honor, to reflect, to remember and to cherish.  While I don’t get to see the beautiful garden is person that often, I receive text messages from my family with pictures as the garden transforms, and comes back to life after the winter cold. 

The photo taken last fall, after the vision of the garden came to fruition. 

While we have our places to go and honor Noah here, his memorial garden, I’m glad our family back in Iowa has a place to go and remember him too.  While his trip to Iowa was only inside of me a few weeks before he was born, his legacy lives on there as well.  It such a touching tribute and I’m so grateful that the beauty of his life, lives on there as well.

Until next time,

Angie