Today marks 38 weeks and 2 days. I seriously can't even wrap my head around the fact that baby girl is still inside. While I honestly never thought we'd get this far, in some ways realizing we are actually at 38 weeks is just as remarkable to me as is the fact she appears to be super happy to be inside.
I've been off the medication now for over 2 weeks and I can honestly say this is the best I've felt the entire pregnancy. Yes, I have constant contractions but they no longer scare me and I think that's why I welcome them. Also I finally feel like a human again... that darn nifedipine made me feel... well, I've gone on enough about that. Third, I've gotten to a point where I realize every jab, movement, push of her foot or elbow could be one of the last movements I feel of her inside, and I've come to cherish, to love and record each an every love tap she shares with me.
Last Friday I went to the doctor for my weekly stress test and for the first time in two weeks I was able to see Dr. A again. He had been out of the office, but was back and I was so happy to see him. He walked in and said, "Its nice to see you here, but I have to admit I'm a little surprised." I replied with the same sentiments and we went on to have a conversation I NEVER thought I'd have. He mentioned the "I" word. Yes, that's right.... INDUCTION.
How in the world did we get to this point after I spent the last 25 plus weeks taking every precaution out there to make sure she didn't come. Now we are talking about making her come. The irony. Dr. A said that he wouldn't want me to go past my due date and since the 22nd falls on a Sunday, he suggested that we set the date of induction for next Thursday, May 19th. That's the last day of the boy's school, and the same day my parents fly back in for a visit. I said that sounds great but decided to wait to ask specific questions about what exactly induction looks like until this Friday. I was convinced in my mind, my personal efforts of walking...cleaning, scrubbing, moving like I haven't moved in months would pay off... as of today, they've just served as reminders of what life will be like again in a few days, only then I'll have 4 children to watch while trying to maintain it all.
So there it is... Sweetie Pie will be here in 9 days or less. Let me say it again, 9 days or less. As excited as I am to welcome her, as much as I can't wait to see what she actually looks like when she's born, I selfishly realize that's only 9 days left that she will forever be reliant just upon me. For the past 9 months I have given her everything she's needed. My body provided life for her. And just as much as she saved me, my body was that for her... her refuge, her protector, her everything. How often in life do we get to be that for someone else? I can't think of any other time, when one person, one thing is all we ever need.
If I'm being honest its such an emotional time. I can tell my emotions are all over the road. I try to keep them under control as I process just what is happening. Some days I'm better than others. Some days I think Jarrett wonders who in the world he's living with. Maybe its just hormones. I think it's just the reality of all that's about to happen, of all that has happened and how life will change. Yesterday morning as the whole family made our morning drop offs, we were talking about the baby and if she was going to come today. The kids have been telling everyone they see that their baby sister is going to come "today"- for the last three weeks. It's obvious they are excited. Yesterday morning Gabriel said, "Mom, do you have an ultrasound today to weigh the baby?" Before I could even answer Michael interrupted and said, "I think she probably weighs 11 pounds by now." I seriously almost broke down in tears. I realized fully Michael has not a single clue as to how much she should weigh, but just the thought of that made me scream inside, "OUCH!" I'm holding on to faith that he's WAY off.
Today was our actual ultrasound and for me they continue to be the mental reassurance I need that everything is okay. The moment Marybeth puts the wand on my stomach, I automatically look for that heartbeat and when I see it beating strong, I release a huge sigh of relief.
She's okay. I don't think I'll ever stop worrying about her, but seeing her on the outside will hopefully give me some reassurance I can't always see from the outside of my belly.
Baby girl is still head down and in position for birth. She's got plenty of fluid (actually more than plenty) and she seems to be shedding the vernix (the covering that's protected her skin for all these months of being in water). Guess that's an indication she's getting ready for life outside of her warm watery cocoon.
So here we are in the great wait. I'm very thankful for all the messages those of you have reached out to send. To ask if we have the baby yet, if there is any news to share and to ask how I'm feeling. I can't wait to share the update with you that she's finally decided to come. But I guess until then, all we can do is wait.
I've never been good at demonstrating patience, so I tell myself this is another learning opportunity for me. And while I want to meet her, I want even more for her arrival to be safe and with the reassurance that she is healthy.
So baby girl, you take the time you need. You enjoy those last few days of warm, comfort inside. For as my friend Bilha reminded me, "You paid rent for 40 weeks, and so you still get some time before you have to come.... were just gonna make you come at 39 weeks and 4 days."
All my love to you my precious daughter. I can't wait to hold you on the outside. Thanks for making me feel so wonderful on the inside. You'll never know how much you mean to me. You restored my faith, you gave me hope and so so much more. I love you Sweetie Pie.
Momma will wait for you...
Until next time,
Angie
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