And then I thought about tomorrow.... about Mother's Day and about Gabriel, Michael, Isabelle and Sweetie Pie. I thought about what a wonderful gift it would be to have Sweetie Pie tonight or tomorrow and how it would remind me of Mother's Day from 2010, when I finally became a mom, when Gabriel and Michael gave me that gift. As I walked around the kitchen making food for us to have in the morning, I couldn't figure out why my mind kept drifting back to Noah. And then it hit me.... this is my first mother's day without him. It should have also been my first mother's day with him. That must be why there's a pulling at my side, a constant reminder... is it Noah tugging at my insides saying, "I'm here with you Momma."? I don't know.
And as much as I miss him so so dearly, I've realized I'm never gonna get what I want, so I have to accept what I got, find joy in what I have had and how he continues to be a part of my life, and just take it for what it is... my reality. Don't get me wrong, I'd wish for nothing more than to be holding him tomorrow morning, feeding him a bottle in the wee hours of the morning, watching as his hand would caress my fingers, how his eyes would move about and how at almost a year old he'd probably be squirming all over the place. Oh what a wonderful Mother's Day present that would be.
Instead I'll have to visit him by looking up into the sky, I'll whisper my prayers and love to him as I do most days, when I find those quiet moments I try to take for myself and I'll just have to be grateful for those 12 days I had.
Mother's Day feels very different this year. I'd actually be okay not celebrating it. As happy as I am for what my life is now, and what we have to look forward to, its also a reminder that my motherly love is split between two galaxies.... one here and one in Heaven above.
I saw this quote last night in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep.
As I read the saying, I wished more than anything I wasn't a part of this group. I just pray someday I'm reunited with Noah and able to get to know him in the same way I've been blessed to know my other children.
So here's my truth on the eve of this Mother's Day. While we have suffered great loss in losing Noah, we still were blessed to have him. We've also been blessed 4 more ways... and each of them have given me the greatest gift.... the gift of being Mom.
From these two little guys, who grew into my heart the moment we met....
To this little princess....
And then my angel baby...
I once feared I'd never get to be a mother. That the role I so desperately wanted was not meant for me. Here I am now several years later realizing not only has my dream become a reality, but it has happened 5 times. How lucky am I.
Mother's Day this year brings with it many emotions, from happiness to sadness... gratefulness to grief. Looking at the pictures of my beautiful 5 children, I can't help but tell myself, boy have you been blessed.
Wishing all the mothers out there, a very blessed, relaxed and enjoyable mother's day. I know of no other job that is as difficult, challenging, and stressful, but I also know that every mother I know wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.
And to those mothers-in-waiting, I send prayers to you. I know the pain of wanting to be a mother and wondering if your day is ever going to come. The pain is heart-wrenching and days like tomorrow are a firm reminder of just how difficult the journey can be. I pray your days of waiting are short and that your prayers are answered soon.
Happy Mother's Day.
Until next time,
Angie
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