Last year at this time, Jarrett and I took our first
vacation without the kids and went to San Diego. I wrote about it here. It was soon after Noah had passed and in full
honesty, we were in a really dark place.
I especially. Getting away for a
few days was really good for us, it was nice for Jarrett and I to reconnect, to
have time to process, or begin to process what our new reality was, and to try
and find a way to rebuild our lives. I’m
so thankful we had that time together.
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| Last year, when just Jarrett and I were in San Diego. |
This year when Jarrett told me his conference was again
going to be in San Diego and that we should maybe make it a tradition to just
go away him and I, we discussed it and decided, instead we would make it a
family vacation. We are in a much different
place this year and we haven’t really taken a family vacation since December
2014. It. Was. Time.
So on Sunday morning, bright at early at 4 a.m. we loaded up
the car and drove to San Diego.
Madelyn
isn’t much for her car seat, one of the few things she doesn’t care for, so I
was a bit nervous about how the 6 plus hour car ride would go. My hope was the kids would sleep most of the
way. Turns out, the big kids didn’t sleep
at all, and they fought almost the entire way there. Madelyn on the other hand slept most of the
way and when she was awake she looked out her window. She decided to wait to have her blow outs and massive spit ups til we
stopped. By the time we arrived in
Coronado Island I had stains where her poopy pants had stained my shorts and
the spit up caked on my shirt masked any perfume I had applied earlier in the
morning.
Thankfully though we made it safely. And while the kids were our very important
cargo, this year we brought along my cousin Andrea to help us with the
kids. Jarrett had to attend sessions for
his conference for several hours and
after talking we thought having extra help with the 4 kids at the beach was a
good idea. We are so so grateful Andrea
came with us.
After arriving at the hotel we immediately went down to the
beach and spent the afternoon playing in the sand, soaking up the sea breeze
and playing in the ocean. Well Madelyn
and I enjoyed the beach from under a covered umbrella, everyone else seemed to
have a great time.
The kids loved the beach, and I fully believe would have
spent all day and night there had we not forced them to come back to the room
to clean up and eat. They were experts
at getting sand everywhere, and I mean everywhere. I think we will be finding sand in places we’d
never expect for weeks to come.
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| This is why we will find sand everywhere! |
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| Isabelle wanted to chase this bird. |
On our second day on Coronado Island we walked down to Von’s
the grocery store to pick up a few things we forgot at home (laundry detergent
and stain out- long story but to keep it short will just say Madelyn blew
through a few outfits in a very short succession). On our way back to the hotel, the boys
decided they needed to get one of those surf boards they could use in the
ocean- so we acquired one of them and proceeded to spend the entire afternoon
on the beach. Dad had the afternoon off
so he joined us as well and the kids, Andrea and him went swimming, surfing,
and sand castle building while Madelyn and I sat under the umbrella.
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| Yes she's under there. |
After a few hours Madelyn and I went back to
the room to clean up and it wasn’t until the moment I sat down in the hotel
chair that I remembered I hadn’t put sunscreen on our super fair complected
daughter Isabelle since the morning when we were at the pool. I immediately felt terrible, and knew she was
gonna have a sun burn. Soon the rest of
the crew returned back as they felt they were getting too much sun and that’s
when I saw Isabelle, Dad and Andrea. The
boys had sun, but were nearly as burned as everyone else. YIKES!!!!!
We should know we live in the desert right? I felt terrible, and still do that I didn’t
keep Belle covered with sun screen.
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| Ouch! |
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| This picture doesn't do justice... even her eyelids were sunburned... parent fail! |
That evening we had signed the kids up for Camp Coronado as
we hoped to be able to have a few hours of adult conversation and
relaxation. Plus the theme for the camp
was building tents on the beach. They
got to build tents, roast hotdogs and smores and play games. The three big kiddos went and we later
learned almost broke the record for the most number of smores consumed by any
kid at the camp… the boys of course challenged the record. They’ve always been good eaters. Meanwhile, they were having fun, Andrea, Dad
and I went to a pizza place and afterward enjoyed some super yummy ice cream
before returning to the room so Andrea and I could watch The Bachelorette and
Dad the Home Run Derby. It was so nice
to not have to watch Paw Patrol or Teen Titan.
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| Watching the Bachelorette |
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| Last year our room was just on the other side of the hotel. You can see it from this picture... who would have ever thought this year, we'd have baby Madelyn. |
On our final full day in San Diego we woke up late and spent
the morning hanging in the room, everyone still very sun burnt. When dad got out of his sessions we decided
to go back to San Diego for lunch… to Little Italy to be exact. We went to the famous Filipe’s for pizza and
then to another nearby beach, where we got to see Sea Lions, Seagulls and crazy
big waves
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| Again we went to the car to eat and wait... someone was still happy. |
We watched for a while and
then Andrea graciously took the boys down closer on the rocks to see the sea
lions. When we returned to the car and
started driving back to the hotel, I sitting in the back with the boys knew
immediately someone had either had a major gas attack or found a way to step in
some sea lion or seagull poop. We
quickly found out, Gabriel had dropped his sun glasses on accident and in the
process picked up some souvenirs. In an
attempt to clean his glasses he “cleaned” them off on his shirt.
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| There didn't have any fun. |
I was (actually still am) super grossed out,
pulled out tons of hand sanitizer, poured it basically all over him from his
elbows down, we put his shirt in one of Madelyn’s bags for her poopy diapers
and we made him not touch anything the rest of the way home. Meanwhile Michael and I held our breath as
best we could and gave orders from the back seat for Dad to drive faster.
After returning to the hotel we walked back down the main
drag in Coronado to find supper and returned back to the hotel to take pictures
on the beach. Last year, I had written
Noah’s name in the sand and taken a picture as he was always constantly on my
mind.
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| The picture I took last year. |
In the last year, I’ve found that
while he always reminds close in all my thoughts, I’ve found a way to live with
the pain in missing him and still find a way to smile with life that is
here. Arriving at the Del this year, so
much of it was a reminder of last year.
I remember the pain, the feeling of being so hurt, so broken and
uninterested in finding joy in life. I
had great hopes that this year, in bringing the whole family including Andrea,
that we’d be able to create new memories, happy ones… memories of good times
together as we continue to rebuild our life.
I continued to reflect on just how different of a place we are in this
year and how Madelyn, is here… a wonderful addition to our lives we never knew
about nor expected last year at this time.
Again hope and faith in a good life restored.
As we’ve found so frequently since Noah left us, while he is
not physically with us, he is always with us.
This trip was no different. Last
year when we arrived at the hotel I remember looking up at the light tower on
the hotel and seeing the rainbow banner which immediately reassured me Noah was
with us. This year when we arrived at
the hotel the first night, the banner on the top of the hotel look out was red,
white and blue, still for the 4th of July holiday I guess. The second morning when we woke up and walked
outside we found instead that the banner had been changed to this…
For what occasion I’m not sure, but I couldn’t help but
immediately think of Noah and that he was saying, I’m here. Jarrett made the same comment even before I
could ask him if he had noticed the change.
And then there was today as we were leaving the hotel. With all of our stuff we had to make two
trips to the car and on our second trip back the boys and I decided to take a
stairway we hadn’t really used the entire vacation. As we walked to the fourth floor, I happen to
look down on the carpet in the hallway
and right in front of me were rainbow reflections and one in the shape of a
heart. I said, “look boys!” to which
Michael said, “Hi Noah!” and we all smiled.
Just happiness those signs continue to bring all of us. Boy do I miss him and so wish he was here to
hug and kiss with love in person, but am I ever so grateful he continues to let
us know he’s with us.
And that’s why when we went to the beach to take a family
picture, I wanted again to take one with Noah’s name written in the sand. The boys each wrote Noah in the sand and drew
a heart around it and we stood/sat next to it on the beach as the sun was
setting behind us.
And then we took one
with our footprints all in the sand, next to his name.
One of my favorite poems of all times is the “Footprints in
the sand” poem where it talks about the man walking alone on the beach talking
with God and as he looked back there are several times when there is only one
set of prints. The man questions God and
says, Why Lord at the most difficult times in my life are there only one set of
prints in the sand? Why did you abandon me?’
And the Lord replies… My son, those are the times that I carried
you. In the picture of our footprints in
the sand next to Noah’s name I am reminded that in this past year, the Lord and
so many wonderful family and friends have helped to carry us through. And we were carried because of our little
boy, turned angel, watching us from above.
As we leave California today and journey home, I can’t help
but give thanks for where we are today.
Last year when Jarrett and I left San Diego to go home to a house with
three kids waiting for us, all I could think about was the fact that we should
have been going home to four kids. My
heart was broken, my will to live so damaged and my faith destroyed. Today my heart is scarred but healing, my
will to live strong and my faith restored.
We are in such a different place.
Our family vacation was a success I believe for so many
reasons. We had fun playing together,
created happy memories and celebrated life.
