As I watched the two videos, I fought back tears and tried my best to hold in my sobs as Madelyn had almost fallen back asleep as she finished nursing. Looking down at her, my heart radiates love and yet watching the video of another tiny little baby boy named Francis Wililam, I couldn't help but think of Noah.
In the video the parents talk about their precious little boy's connection to Nemo and Dory and the line from the movies, "Just Keep Swimming." The similarities of Francis' birth and our precious Noah's are very similar. He was born 17 weeks early (even earlier than Noah) and weighed 1 pound, 9 ounces (even less than Noah) and was given about the same chances of surviving as Noah (~15%). In the video the parents talk about how the line, "Just Keep Swimming" served as a great motivator for them during all those difficult days in the NICU. As the video progresses we learned that the family, through the mom's brother, gets connected to Andrew Stanton, the director of Finding Dory, who he himself was born prematurely. Andrew penned a note directed to Francis that says, "Just Keep Swimming." And that's exactly what that tiny little baby did. After 118 days in the hospital Francis was able to go home with his family. He is now over 24 pounds and a thriving 1-year-old.
As the video ended, my sniffles must have woke up Jarrett as he startled quickly, turned towards me in bed and said, "Are you okay?" I responded yes, wiped away my tears and blew my running nose. Jarrett got out of bed to start getting ready for the day and I proceeded to burp Madelyn. As Jarrett woke up more, he came back from using the restroom and asked me again, "Are you sure you are okay?" I guess he could see my eyes were still watery and bloodshot from crying. I paused, now knowing that he was awake enough to understand what I was feeling. I reached for my phone and handed him it. "Please watch this video."
Having no idea what he was about to watch, he hit the play button and stood at my side of our bed. Within a few minutes of the video playing, he sat down on the edge of the bed and took a deep breath. He too, thought of Noah immediately and needed to sit to watch the entire video.
A few minutes in... about the same place I got choked up, I saw Jarrett try to fight back his emotions too. He hit pause on the screen and said, "This baby looks just like Noah did." As he watched the video, I peered over his shoulder and while we didn't speak, I knew both of us were reliving each moment we experienced in the NICU as this family chronicled it in video form on my phone. In the video there is a short video snipit of the respiratory team adjusting Francis' breathing tube. This was a common occurrence for us, well actually for Noah in the NICU and each time, the tube had to be placed perfectly. If not, there were many risks for him... we dreaded each time his tube had to be adjusted.
As the family talked about Mr. Stanton's message to just keep swimming, while they didn't say this, I got the message that, that's all it took, was a strong will from the baby and one would get the Disney fairytale ending we all love to see. I didn't say anything as I let Jarrett finish watching the video and just like me, when it ended he too was overcome with emotion. So happy for that family and so much encouragement given to see those "success stories" we all want to have, and yet such heartache and sadness in feeling... "Why couldn't that have been Noah's story."
Fighting through the tears he said, "I miss him so much." And then he went to get into the shower as I got up to change Madelyn. As he was in the shower, he didn't have to say anything, I knew exactly what he was thinking. I said, "Dad, we did everything we could for Noah, The doctors, the nurses, us as his family... we fought as hard as we could, HE fought as hard as his little body could, to save him."
And that's the truth. I said, "Dad, sometimes I just don't understand how I can be so so happy and feel blessed with our life here, with our kiddos and especially baby Madelyn and yet still feel so much sadness, and ache in my heart at missing Noah. I know that if Noah hadn't passed away, we wouldn't have Madelyn. Its joy mixed with grief. Its such a hard reality to live day in and day out.
Thinking back to those days in the NICU and knowing just how hard Noah fought to be with us, I wish I could say if he would have "just kept swimming" he would still be here. The truth for me is that I know that little guy did all he could to stay here, the way he rebounded when we got to finally hold him, was just one testament to his larger-than-life strength and yet, it still wasn't enough. While my heart breaks at the reality that he didn't to leave the NICU to come home with us and that his life was cut way too short, I find peace in knowing he didn't have to endure months and months of fighting, if in the end God planned to call him home. While I would have loved to have more time, I wouldn't have wanted him to suffer, to have endured painful procedures or surgeries. As hard as it is to face, saying goodbye to him was the worst thing I'll ever have to do in my whole life. Now I look forward to the day when we will say hello again.
Sometimes in life we can "just keep swimming" and we get the fairytale ending. For Francis William and his family, I am happy for them and pray they get to spend a long lifetime together. For us and our little Noah, it wasn't enough for him to "just keep swimming". His journey was cut short. But we are still here and I believe in my heart, Madelyn was sent to us as a reminder that while Noah can't keep swimming, the rest of us need to. Sometimes the story doesn't go as we expect or we want, but we have to keep going... for there is a happy ending waiting, we just have to keep swimming til we find it.
Until next time,
Angie
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