The love of life... Grandma Dory

Heaven gained another great one today, when Grandma Dory went home to be with our Lord.  I first met Jarrett's grandma more than 20 years ago (so hard to believe) when I met her at Jarrett's house around the time we first started dating.

Since then there have been many times spent together with Grandma Doris for holiday gatherings, summer trips to her farm and of course her famous fried chicken lunches always made with so much love.  

Anyone and everyone who knew Grandma Dory, often said the same thing, she loved life and she knew how to have a good time.  She never let age hold her back, she loved to dance and she was always ready to celebrate with a grin from ear to ear.  

And perhaps, that's why today's news left me so shocked.  Grandma Dory, as everyone affectionately called her, whether she was your grandma or not, was in good health, and remained very active.  Today when Jarrett finally got through to me at work, shared the news I never expected to hear. And from that moment, I couldn't stop thinking about her and the legacy she has left behind.

Grandma Dory lived in the place she called home for many decades.  It was the home she and her late husband Louie built a life together in.  The home where her children were raised, the home her grandchildren would come to know and love and on a piece of land so pretty with its features, some would say it was a slice of heaven...yes Heaven in Iowa.  

Isabelle enjoying the flowers at Grandma's house

Grandma Dory loved her house and her home and took care of it with great pride.  She meticulously mowed and cared for her lawn, picking up the pine cones and making sure her lawn looked as close to the local Alta Vista golf course as she could.  She planted pretty flowers by the light pole and the windmill next to her house and she always had a patio table and two chairs sitting outside, just in case someone stopped by to visit while they took in the great views from her home in the country.

As much as she loved her house, her home on the farm, Grandma Dory loved her family a million times more.  When we'd come to visit her eyes would light up and she'd go out of her way to make a meal to fill up our tummies.  Michael to this day, says Grandma Dory makes the best fried chicken and last December when the boys went back for Christmas, I think even she was surprised at just how much he could eat.  The boys will never forget getting to play pool with her and that she let them have soda.  Seeing that she had made someone else happy, made her day.

A couple of weeks ago, I happen to call her out of the blue as I was thinking about her and decided I should just call to say hi.  I'm so glad I did, as I didn't know it would be our last time we'd get to talk.  As always, when we were about to end the conversation she told me to give the kids a hug and a kiss from Great-Grandma Dory and that she was so happy for us.  She also said she would keep us in her prayers.  

Throughout the night today, I found my mind consumed with all the different times we were able to spend together over the years and as I thought about the memories I often found myself smiling.  As much as I am sad that I'll never get to celebrate another Christmas at her house, or talk to her on the phone, I can't help but smile knowing that her faith has taken her to the place we all hope to be someday.  Grandma Dory was a very faithful person and throughout her house were prayer cards and her Bible on her coffee table.  As I think about the legacy she has left behind, I am reminded about just what an incredible woman she was.  She never asked for much, she lived very simply, but she found so much joy and love in this world and she shared it with all those around her.

Tonight in Heaven there must be one amazing party going on.  I'm sure she's dancing away with her loved one's who went ahead.  And if there's a hot rod car in Heaven, I bet she's asking to go for a ride.  

This is Grandma's hot rod that she loved to drive in the local parades in the summer.  On one trip she gave the kids a ride and they loved it as much as she did. 

Grandma Dory,
You're sure going to be missed.  I am so thankful for all the times we got to spend and for all the love you shared with Jarrett, me and our children.  We will always remember the way you made us feel when you made your special dishes, when you went out of your way to find something special for our kiddos, and when you sent us special notes on our birthdays and for the holidays.  Grandma Dory, you truly are a one of a kind and boy are we thankful God shared you with us.

Oh and as you enter those gates in Heaven, will you please do me a special favor?   Will you please give Noah a special hug and kiss for me?  Tell him his Momma loves him.  I hope you two get some time to play together. I bet he can't wait to show you all around.

We will miss you Grandma Dory.  Our hearts hurt tonight as we didn't want to have to say goodbye.

Until next time we meet, we send our love to you always.

Angie

Gabriel is 11!

I am now the parent of an 11 year old.  Yes, it’s true.  I’m still trying to convince myself of it. Almost 3 weeks ago (I’m a bit behind)  Gabriel celebrated his 11^th birthday.  While most days I see him still as the 4 year old, the truth is, he now hovers right at my height and is acting much more like a teenager than a 4 year old (most days at least J). 

Gabriel has always been our level-headed, peace-keeper and always lover of sports.  I’ve watched him grow from a young boy to now I feel some days I’m looking like a young man.  My how quickly the time has gone.

4 years old

Gabriel continues to be our biggest help.  He will be a wonderful dad someday as he’s great with helping Isabelle and Madelyn.  He and Michael, while as close as brothers can be, sometimes can be the best arguers as well.  I relate as I remember how often my sister and I argued being so close in age… but shushssssssssssssssss… don’t tell the boys that. 

11 years old

As with each year, we see Gabriel growing and seeking more independence.  As he ages, it seems Dad and I become less and less informed or knowledgeable while he seems to be knowing everything.  Isn’t that how it works as one becomes a teenager or preteen?  And as much as we like to see him growing and maturing, we are also proud of him for his growth in his academics.  He’s worked very hard this year to strengthen his academics, specifically his reading and math.  In talking with his teacher at conferences we are proud of the work he’s done.

Our first birthday we were able to share together.

Over the past year, Gabriel has become very interested in serving our country by going into the service.  While there is still a lot of time before he has to actually make his decision about his future, he seems very determined in going into the army.  He looks forward to serving his country, but also protecting others and of most interest… getting to use all the “spy” like gadgets he believes our military has access to.  Dad and I will support him in whatever he chooses and it would make us very proud to have a child serving our great country, but also I worry about his safety and would prefer he finds a “safe” position in the service (if there is such a thing). 

And now our 6th birthday we'be been able to celebrate together

Some of the things Gabriel has enjoyed this year are participating in archery and gymnastics this fall.  After watching the Olympics he and Michael decided they wanted to participate in those two activities.  I think they thoroughly enjoyed the archery class and were impressed with how much their skills improved.  They also liked gymnastics but being that this was their first try at the sport, they were disappointed they couldn’t start right off by going on the parallel bars, the pummel horse or the rings.  I tried to reassure them that even our Olympic athletes had to start somewhere.  Who knows what he’ll want to do in the spring, but I have a feeling it will involve a ball.

Next year Gabriel will begin middle school and I can hardly believe that I attended a meeting last week to learn about the middle school programs and choices.  Gabriel is excited for the next steps and the options he can consider as far as clubs, sports and extracurriculars.  It makes me excited to hear he’s ready for the next step. I pray he will be successful, happy and thrive in middle school, as I remember myself it being one of the hardest times in my life.  The principal at last weeks presentation shared that middle school is a very interesting time because as much as 6^th graders want their independence and try to push their parents away, they want at the same time to keep and remain close to their parents.  It’s a constant game of feeling torn.  I tell myself that and can already see Gabriel sharing some of those behaviors.  For example he wanted to say his prayers the other night by himself because he wasn’t very happy with me that I was making him go to bed early after some undesirable choices.  He said, Can’t I just say my prayers by myself?  I said, “No, I want to say them with you.”  And as we said our prayers and finished up I reached up to give him a hug and kiss and said good night.  By the time we had reached the end of our prayers his anger with me was gone and he hugged me and said, “Good night Mom, I love you.”  And just like that we had resolved the conflict.  I told him I loved him too.  I thought back to the tip the principal had shared and realized she was right.  While he wanted to push me away because I had given a consequence in the end he still wanted the affection and love.  Oh teenage years, please be kind to us… this is uncharted waters.

He had to dress up for a play in his classroom at school... He got the part in the book of the girl character.  And agreed to dress up because he got extra credit!  I'm proud!  Scary how well he fits into my dress.  :-)

And to Gabriel, now that you are 11 and wise beyond your 11 years, I want you to know that Dad and I only want the best for you.  We give you chores, we demand quality and we expect a lot because we know it will only help you to be a better person.  So while it may seem like we are a big pain in your rear most days, please know we do it out of love for you.  Someday, I hope, you will look back, as you have a great job, a family and children of your own and say, “Thanks Dad for making me read so often, and thanks Mom for making me rewrite those sloppy spelling words, because now I know how to work hard and can be a better dad, professional and father.  Gabriel I hope you see just how much we love you.  How you are a great helper, a loving soul and one of the greatest gifts we were ever given.

Trying to look all GQ. 

We love you always and forever and our love for you keeps growing and growing.

Happy 11th birthday my precious big boy...

Until next time,
Mom and Dad

The Chaos of the Season...

I got this email this morning and the subject line read, “Escape or embrace the madness and wonder of the season.”  And I couldn’t help but read it as, “Escape or embrace the madness and wonder of your life.”  Yes, today’s email is a perfect example of how our lives are… Despite my best attempt to organize myself last night for the workday today, I still forgot my work keys, my ID badge and took the wrong car to my coworkers house so we could ride together downtown.  About 20 minutes into the ride I realized it and about an hour after arrive at work, Jarrett texted me to say, “I needed the van this morning to move some furniture.”  Oh yes, that’s right, that’s the whole reason why we couldn’t ride together.  Why on Earth did I take the wrong car?  Could it be perhaps, that I was a bit scatterbrained after chasing (some literally) around the house at 5:30 a.m. to get them ready for school. Here’s just a glimpse into how my morning was…

Isabelle put your socks on, Gabriel make your bed, Michael, I said 10 minutes ago to get out of the shower.  Isabelle, where are the socks I just gave you?  Gabriel, wear pants today, it’s going to be cold and rainy.  I don’t care if you won’t get cold, remember yesterday in church when your ears  were so cold you had to wear your hood (or so you claim).  Don’t tell me you won’t get cold, it’s only going to be 64 today.  No more discussion, just put on pants.  ISABELLE… WHERE ARE YOU SOCKS?  Michael, for the love of God, please get out of the shower!  Dad, you have to get up NOW, I need to leave in 10 minutes, I can’t be late, plus the dog needs to go out, he’s been barking at you for the last 5 minutes.  SushSSSSSS, please don’t wake up Madelyn.  DOOR SLAMS Well, so much for that wish.  Dad, can you please get Madelyn whose crying her eyes out, I’m trying to get Isabelle breakfast, braid her hair, make myself something to eat and talk to Gabriel AGAIN about why he needs to wear pants.  Michael, if you don’t get out of that bathroom right now, I’m going to… good, I’m glad you are out, now get dressed instead of standing in the hallway staring at the wall.  Oh and wear pants Michael, it’s going to be cold.

Yes that was about 5 total minutes of my morning and it only highlights what the majority of our life is like.  I say majority because the only quiet time in our house is when we are sleeping (which most often is never consistent because Madelyn wake up once, the dog has to go out twice a night usually, Isabelle often joins us in bed around 4 and I get up once a night to pump).  Yes our life if completely chaotic.  It often feels like we are going a million miles a minutes or chasing down a train which left the station 2 minutes earlier.  Yep, that’s our life and I’m not going to lie, somedays, it is overwhelming.  Somedays, I feel like I’ve failed more than I’ve succeeded and somedays, I want to just sit on the couch, stare blankly into the TV which I wish played some obnoxious reality show like “Housewives of Atlanta” and ignore the fighting, the wresting into closet doors by the boys, and the calls for “MOMMY, the brothers are being naughty!”  Ahhh yes, that email subject line, “Escape or Embrace the madness and wonder of the season.” Couldn’t have been more timely. 

But as much as I wish somedays I could escape the chaos for even 20 minutes, the truth is,  I would miss this life so much, if tomorrow it was all taken away.  So I choose, ahem, (clear my throat), I choose (say it like you mean it Angie) to embrace the madness because the wonder of this life, is way too good to miss.   Last night after a day filled with bickering between the kids,  but highlights of putting on the Christmas ornaments on the tree, we decided to sit down to watch Elf.  Sadly there was too much to still be done for Dad and I to sit and watch it but Michael and Isabelle (often the two at odds with each other the most), sat together on the couch, shared a blanket and cuddled together while watching the movie. Gabriel chose to go to bed earlier by the choices he made earlier in the day.  I walked by several times and would pause to sit and watch a few minutes as I fed Madelyn.  I noticed how much Michael and Isabelle were enjoying each other’s company.  And I thought to myself, instead of feeling bad we couldn’t all be there to sit together, perhaps this was meant to be a time for just those two to connect and bond.  I choose to embrace the goodness in that moment. 

And that’s just one example of the blurts of yumminess that sprinkle throughout our days, our weeks, months and this year, that makes chasing down the missed train so worth it.  Yep, our lives are completely out of control.  We are that family that races from one thing to the next, the mom who sends her kid out the door racing for the bus with his shoes in his hands and his jacket barely on.  Yep, I give my daughter Pop Tarts for breakfast several days a week as we race her to preschool so we can get out the door, and yes, I make my kids help with a lot of chores so that I’m not having to stay up for several more hours each night just to have a clean spoon to use for cereal in the morning.  Yes, as you read this, you might think, Oh my goodness she feed her daughter an overly processed, artificially flavored, preservative laden breakfast tart.  I wish I could find the energy to get up earlier each morning to prepare something better for her, but I don’t.  I’m too tired.  But I do try to get up each morning and do the best I can to get my kids clean, dressed, fed and off to school as best I can.  And then at night when we all come back together, I do my best to help support their learning by giving homework, to teach them responsibility and hard work by giving them chores, by giving consequences when they are deserved and to tell them I love them as I tuck them into bed at night. 

Yes I am exhausted, we (Jarrett and I) are exhausted and wish we could crawl into bed at 8 when we put the kids to bed too.  But as I think about my life and the 36 years I’ve been on this earth, there’s never been a time when my life has felt more enriched, challenged and full of love.  Yes, that email subject line was perfect as I read it this morning.  Escape or embrace the madness and wonder of the season.”  Yes, they are right.  For this is just a season.  A season of my life that I know will change and someday I’m going to look back and think, “Oh to only have one more morning of chaos when all the kids were young.  So Angie, take those moments of escape when you need, but don’t forget to embrace the madness because you are living the wonder of this season.

Until next time,

Angie  

6 Years ago... National Adoption Day

Six years ago this weekend, we celebrated with many other families as our dreams came true.  It was the weekend we adopted Gabriel and Michael and officially became each other's forever family.

Standing outside the courtroom after our adoption was finalized.

Yep, this was us in our first picture as an official family of 4.  I don't think Jarrett and I could have smiled any bigger.  It, up until that point, had probably been one of the happiest days (and still remains) of our lives.  

Don't the boys look so little?  My how they've grown.

I always remember the relief I felt as the judge made everything official and in that moment they had become ours but also we had become theirs.  The weight of having everything become official had been lifted as the weight that it was now my permanent responsibility to teach, care for and guide these two young boys as they grow to large kids, teenagers, young adults and beyond... for the rest of my life.  An honor, but also a weight in wanting to make sure I could do the best of my ability for them.

So much has changed in 6 years and it seems many days like we've been together since the beginning.  We don't remember what our lives were like before them and I can't imagine my life without them.  Like I tell them, becoming their parents was an incredible gift and they made me a mom, something I wanted out of this life more than most anything else.  It was because of them, my life became so much better and richer and I wanting them to be my boys from the first moment we learned about them. 

Gabriel and Michael, my hope is that you always know how much you are loved.  What a gift you are and that even though Dad and I push you for greatness and expect a lot out of you, it is only because we know all that you are capable of.  We want you to achieve that and so much more.  So remember, while we make you do things like chores, and homework, we only want whats best for you.  

On that special day 6 years ago in November just before Thanksgiving, you make our dream come true.  You always have been and will be, one of the greatest gifts we've been given. Dad and I love you more than you'll ever know.

Thanks for making our dreams come true, day after day.

We love you always,

Mom and Dad

World Prematurity Day

Today is World Prematurity Day and I can't help but think of our precious little Noah.  Its days like today when my news feed on social media is filled with pictures of babies born too early.  So many stories thankfully are ones with happy endings and I always makes me wonder, what if.

I accept and understand God had a different plan for Noah.  I instead give thanks for 12 days we were able to share together.  That doesn't mean not a day, an hour, sometimes even a minute goes by when he isn't far from the first thing on my mind.  I will forever wonder what his personality would have been like, what he would have loved, what his smile would have looked like and how much different our life would be if he was still here.

I continue to learn that grief continues to evolve and change and sometimes out of the blue, it sneaks up on me, and sends me into a tailspin of sadness. Today it was changing a load of laundry when the tears flows.  Yesterday it was a pit in my stomach where that empty part of my body that became void when he left us, ached more than normal.  Everyday grief is a different journey.

But while grief in losing him may forever be a part of my life, I choose today to remember him and try to smile.  Past the ache is missing him, past the pain in knowing he wanted to stay too, past the sadness of his loss... I try to smile.

Noah was and will always be one of the greatest gifts I was given in this life.  And he taught me so many things.  He taught me to look at my children still here, and despite how challenging they can be, to give thanks that I have them.  Noah, taught us the lesson of kindness and that giving is much more rewarding than receiving and he reminded us of so many wonderful people we have in our lives.  So much to be thankful for.

Today Noah, while I am so sad I can't hold you in my arms, I reflect back on videos of your first bath, your first days in this world, and of the moments we shared that are now some of my most cherished memories.

Today on World Prematurity Day we remember you Noah.  And we remember and pray for all the other babies born too soon.

Love you always,
Mom

Noah, are you watching the super moon?

Noah,

It's again the 13th of the month and I thought about you all day.  Yes, I felt you near and I smiled as I thought again about your birth.   It's hard for me to to believe you would be 17 months old today.  I so wonder what you would be doing at this point, if you were still here in the way we wanted you most.
We noticed you yesterday sending us not one, but two tiny rainbows in the sky as we spent our final day with Grandpa and Grandma on their visit.  Maybe you felt just how happy we were as we enjoyed time together.  Grandma noticed you saying hi first... she said, you must have wanted to be a part of the fun we were having too.

Noah, I know you already know this but we sure miss you.  Last night when we attended the wonderful Zoo Light's party held by our friend Debbie, I felt great happiness.  Last year, I was so overcome by the sadness in losing you and the fear of losing precious tiny Madelyn growing inside of me, I could only sit on the bench by myself while Dad took the rest of the kiddos around.  This year, I feel so completely different, I feel happy and I think it's in part because of the precious little sister you sent us.  This year we all smiled, we all laughed and we cherished the time we were able to spend together.  And you know Noah, we looked to the sky and thought of you with smiles too.

As much as we will never get over losing you, I'm starting to accept the fact that I'll only be able to talk to you like this and to turn my head to the sky to whisper I love you's. My heart will never stop missing you.  I don't think any of ours will.  Just the other day, while I was cleaning up Isabelle's room with her, she reached over and grabbed my hand, and said, "Momma, when God is done with Noah in Heaven, can we get him some stuff here so he can come be with us?"  It broke my heart to tell her, you don't get to come back here as the way her 4-year old mind thinks you should.  Oh how I wish you could.

Noah, I wonder tonight and most nights what Heaven must be like with you there.  Tonight I wonder what it must look like as you look down on us.  There's that big, huge, super moon covering our sky and as so many look up in wonder and awe, I look up and wonder this...

Could it possibly be that at this moment, as I look up to the moon, my precious angel, (yes you Noah) are looking down at the same beautiful creation?

I love you my precious little one.  I'll  never stop and my love only grows and grows.  Please ask God to watch over us and keep us all safe, especially your little sister okay?  Mom and Dad don't want any more scares with her breathing.  Please ask God to watch over her and the rest of us okay?

Good night my little buddy.  Momma loves you yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever.

Seventeen months ago today, a miracle was born and we named him Noah.

Love you always my precious baby,
Mom

Why I didn't sleep last night...

Like you and probably 90% of all Americans last night, I didn't sleep.  Yes, it seemed to be a night of unexpected results, one that our children's children will read about in history books.  For me, actually for Jarrett and I, it was a night we'll not only remember for the way the presidential election turned out, but the first night we faced with the worry and concern that Madelyn might stop breathing... again.

Yes again.  On Monday night, (early Tuesday morning), just like every evening before, since we brought Madelyn home from the hospital, she woke up at 2 a.m. to eat.  My body, now accustom to our 2 am feeding; I can semi-wake up, crawl out of bed, pick her up in her bassinet next to my side of the bed, crawl back into bed and proceed to feed her.  As she eats I scroll through my phone, checking Facebook, reading articles and adding a few more pins to my Pinterest page.  Once she's done, I burp her, return her peacefully sleeping body back to bed and go to the bathroom to finish pumping.  An hour after she wakes to eat, I go back to sleep.  That's how I thought early Tuesday morning's feeding would go.  I was wrong.

She woke up, I crawled out of bed, fed her and when she was finished, I propped her up on my shoulder to burp her.  With the light on in the bathroom, which extends into our bedroom, I burped her in the dim light.  When I thought she had fallen back asleep I went to reposition her into a cradle position so I could crawl back out of bed to lay her in her bassinet.  That's when I noticed.  As I moved Madelyn down from my shoulder she was lifeless.  She was limp and her arms and head fell back, without any reflex.  Realizing something wasn't right, I laid her down flat on our bed and went to feel her chest- to see if it was rising and falling gently as she normally breaths (I check her several times throughout each night).  It wasn't.  I waited another few seconds to feel it rise... it didn't.  I looked at her face and in the dim light I could clearly see her face didn't seem like normal.  I started screaming - "JARRETT, SHE ISN"T BREAHTING!!!!" Now in full pacnic mode, I screamed, I rubbed her chest, tapped on her cheeks and continued to scream over and over.... "Oh God no, Jarrett she isn't breathing, Maddie come on."  In what seemed like 10 minutes, it was just about 45 seconds, images of Noah's face as he left this earth was all I could picture as I looked down at my baby girl's face.  Jarrett, by this point, had jumped out of bed, turned on the overhead light in our room and was on my side of the bed helping me to try to get her to come to.  Screaming over and over and trying to process what was happening, I was filled with fear and doing my best to hold it together.

Just as my mind started to move to the idea that we needed to call 911, I felt and saw her chest rise a bit.  I continued to shout, tap on her cheeks and rub her vigorously across her chest and body.  I knew in the seconds that followed, that while she wasn't crying out, she had taken a breath.  The color in her face started to come back to a pale white from the ashen grey it was moments before.  We continued to talk and move her til I saw her eyes open and then she reached out her arms. Figuratively speaking, it was then that my heart started to beat again and I processed in my brain she was no longer unconscious.   While she seemed to return to herself relatively quickly and wanted to go back to sleep, I forced her to stay awake as I couldn't dare let her drift off again.  Almost an hour later I let her drift back to sleep, while I sat up in my bed the remainder of the night, eyes fixed on watching her chest rise and fall, rise and fall, rise and fall.  Jarrett in bed next to me, would wake every so often, shoot out of bed realizing he had fallen asleep and was worried about how she was.  Each minute that ticked by on my clock I thanked God she was still breathing.  It was the scariest thing that has happened to me and us since we brought her home.

Finally seeing through the blinds that morning was coming, I was never so grateful that I could get her up and make sure again she was okay.  As soon as I could, I called the pediatrician's office and asked for our doctor to call me as soon as she could.  All day long I replayed the images from the scare in the middle of the night over and over in my mind.  I worried about her all day while I was at work.  The doctor called me back a couple of hours later and I explained in detail to her what happened.  She told me that while too late now, she would recommend that if anything like that happened again, we should immediately call 911 and go to the hospital.  She said perhaps Madelyn had milk still in her mouth as I moved her to burping position and maybe the milk went down the wrong way and caused her to loose consciousness (of course she explained it much more professional and using medical terms).  She also said that since this happened, it is considered a potentially life threatening incident, that we need to watch her closely for the next several days... she has to remain in the same room with us when she sleeps and we need to check on her even more often than we do.  She also said that if she displays any other symptoms (she listed them off) we need to take her in immediately.

I felt better talking to her doctor but also bad that we didn't just take her to the hospital after it happened.  To be honest, I don't think we did at time, partially because I don't think we wanted to really believe what had happened.

Since that incident at around 2:30 am early Tuesday morning, Madelyn has not shown any more signs of breathing distress, although we now think she is coming down with a cold.  I'm so grateful she is doing well, but I'm not gonna lie, I watch her continuously and I'm afraid to let her out of my sight.  As you can imagine last night was difficult and both Jarrett and I watched her sleep as the TV played in the background the shocking and unexpected (to us) results.

Reading online the reaction and fear that so many Americans have with the news that Donald Trump is going to be our next president is disheartening.  If I'm being honest, I join the masses in wondering if he really is the best for our country.  And without getting into a political discussion, I'd be lying to say, I'm not convinced Hillary was best either... But the truth (going back to what Laurie taught me a year ago) is, we may not be able to change the outcomes of the election, but I can choose to decide how I'm going to respond.  I choose to not let the fear of what COULD have happen control me and I choose to keep this all in perspective.

Having Donald Trump as our next president isn't what I would pick if I could decide who would be the role model for my children in that role.  I worry what my sons think as they hear derogatory names about individuals of their Hispanic race.  And I shield Isabelle's ears from the horribly mean names Mr. Trump has repeatedly called women.  Yes, his actions don't always seem very presidential to me.  But the people (or electoral college) has spoken and we must move forward doing our best to unite, to come together not as one party or another... but as the whole people of this country.  And the best way I think to do that is to share more love and especially kindness.

Some people talk about this election result being the end of the world, that they want to leave the USA and move to another (better) country.  For them I'm sorry they feel so controlled by the fear.  I get fear... I live with it most days.  But I encourage them to keep things in perspective.  For just as it has for millions of days before, the sun rose today, children in this country innocently laughed, smiled and found joy in the pleasures that fill our days and we all took one more step forward in this journey called life.  There will be difficult and hard days ahead, I'm sure.  That will happen no matter who our president is.  But there will also be good days.  Days when we see the kindness and love that so many people in our world share with others.  And it will be that love and kindness that will shine brighter than the political divisiveness we feel now.

Some people feel that our world is ending with this news and I have to say I completely disagree.  The truth is, while we all watch our TV's, scroll through the news feeds on our social media account and sit in shock that the results didn't go the way the polls predicted; several people in this great country are actually experiencing the ending of what seems to be their world.  For those who have battled life-threatening illnesses and see their battle coming to an end.... yes their world is ending.  For those parents, son's, daughters, sisters, brothers, and friends who lost a loved one in the last 24 hours, their world may feel like its ending. I listen to the news and I remember that in the last 24 hours there has been a family, like us, who has had to say goodbye to their baby, just as we had to say goodbye to Noah.  If anyone can say their world is ending, it is those who have suffered the real loss in this life.  Not an election, but the loss of a loved one. Yes, having a new president with such polarizing, and sometimes drastic views is scary and overwhelming, and some may even say horrible.  But it isn't so bad that we should never have hope again.

Seeing my daughter's lifeless body lay on my bed, as memories of those final moments when Noah's heart stopped beating and his body went lifeless race through my mind, I am reminded of just how many blessings I have.  Thank God Madelyn regained consciousness, and her laughs, smiles and ever happy personality has blessed my life for another 2 days since that scare.  I'm going to give thanks and find hope in each moment I continue to get to spend with her, and my other children.  And I'm going to wake up each day with a desire to try to make this world a better, more loving and a kinder place for my children and for you.  For I may not agree with every action of our future president, but I going to do what I can and I hope you will do the same.

Yep, they are the reason I have hope.  

I didn't sleep at all last night and I'm probably not going to sleep much tonight either... but I'm going to wake up tomorrow to do something to make things better.  And that's just one of the many great things about this country... I know I'm not alone.

Until next time,
Angie