13 years ago...

Thirteen years ago we stood at the alter of the church where your parents, grandparents and great-grandparents said their vows and we began a new life together as we exchanged our "I do's" 

While our lives a husband and wife started on that day, the journey of us had started many years ago.  Looking back now I see that we were babies.  Fifteen and sixteen year olds with a dream in our eyes, not a fear of what was ahead and the love in each other that could move mountains.

And as I look back on the years we've shared together, I'd say we have moved a few mountains.  We've been through some amazing highs (getting married, becoming parents, seeing the world and our dreams come true).  And while the highs have far out numbered the lows, we've seen some lows too.  We've faced them together, arm in arm together and carried each other through when one was too weak to walk for ourselves. Through challenges of cancer diagnosis and treatments, infertility and crushed hopes, and most devastating the loss of our precious son... the lows have been very difficult, but we've made it through and they have taught me that no matter what we are stronger together and can overcome anything as long as we have each other.

This year our anniversary is special not only because of the love we feel for each other, but because of the life we've built together.  Looking back as those babies in high school, so innocent and wet-behind-the-ears, I always dreamed of forever with you, but never realized just how great my happily-ever-after would be.

Jarrett, on our 13th anniversary, I am so thankful for the life that we lead.  Its a crazy one, busier than I expected or planned, hectic more days than not, and some (me) may say stressful.  But its a life I love and wouldn't trade anything for.  Thirteen years ago tomorrow night we danced our first dance to the song, "What a wonderful world".

On that night I felt that Loius Armstrong's song perfectly described the way I viewed our life together.  But now tonight as I think of the lyrics of that song, I can't help but think it still applies perfectly today.

Thirteen years ago I held your hand and said "I do".  I give thanks for each day we have together and I pray that many years down the road, when the kids are grown and gone and we've become grandparents or even great-grandparents, that we can still hold hands and feel the same amount of love.

When I was pregnant with Madelyn and went to one of my doctors appointments, I saw this couple walking together hand-in-hand and all I could think of was you and how someday, that could be us.

  I love you and look forward to growing old together, until then we'll celebrate each day we get.

Happy Anniversary.

Love always,
Angie

Salmon with a side of a fire...extinguisher.

Eight years ago when Jarrett and I were getting certified to become adoptive parents, one of the items we needed for the home was a fire extinguisher... not just one but two.  I never thought we'd use them.  Seriously, I figured they would just collect dust (like the picture below).  Tonight I learned why families should have a fire extinguisher near by.

Last Thursday I went to the doctor and from my blood test the doctor could tell I haven't been taking the best care of myself.  Seriously laying around for 9 months was great for baby, not too good for mom's health.  Not to mention all the medication I was taking... my liver is not happy about it.  The doctor told me to start eating better (no surprise) and to get back into an exercise routine.

So I thought I'd get started this weekend by making salmon.  Our dear friends make an amazing salmon on the grill so I texted Sonya to ask her for the recipe.  I was so proud of myself as I'm not the most experienced (nor qualified) at making fish... other than fish sticks.  But things were going well.  Madelyn was sleeping in her bouncer next to me, while the other three kiddos were playing Legos and Dad was working in the office.  I had the rice cooking, the spinach sauteing, the fish was on the grill and I was cutting up fruit for a fruit salad.  All was well until I walked to the back door to go and check on the fish.  I looked out back to see our grill on fire.  ON FIRE!  And I'm not exaggerating  Literally the flames were shooting out above the grill to the top of our 6 foot fence separating our house from the neighbor's house.  

I ran outside and without really thinking what I was doing I turned all the burners off.  I then tried to walk (more like run) around the grill, while dodging the flames to turn off the LP gas tank.  My hope was that it would not only to kill the fire but also keep the tank from exploding.  I thought the fire would go out right away but it didn't and the flames continued to shoot up higher and higher.

I ran back to the house and shouted for Jarrett inside "THE GRILL IS ON FIRE!" and ran back outside to try and get it out.  Thankfully Jarrett came running out and shut the lid to the grill thinking cutting the oxygen would kill the fire.  It didn't.  

I saw that our salmon (expensive might I add) was still on the grill and while black and charred like a log on a campfire, I wanted to save what we could and asked Jarrett to save it.  He opened the grill, reached in with our metal spatula and pulled it off the fire.  We set it on the paver block and as Jarrett noticed the thermometer on the grill read 800 degrees (and possibly more- as 800 is as high as it goes).

Jarrett then shouted for me to run and get the fire extinguisher.  He ran and go the one in the garage while I got the one in the kitchen.  I was so scared that the tank was going to explode and I wasn't sure if we should even use that type of extinguisher on this type of fire.  At work we are required to go through Fire Safety Training which outlines what type of extinguisher you need for each type of fire.  As the flames continued to shoot up and smoke billow toward our neighbor's house I replayed what I had learned in training over in my mind.  I asked Jarrett if we should call the firemen.  Seriously I was afraid our house (less than 4 feet away) was going to catch on fire.  

At the same time, Jarrett pulled the plug on the extinguisher, stood about 8 feet away and fired.  A huge powder fog filled the air and shot toward the grill.  Immediately the flames disappeared and was instead replaced with rolling smoke.  It smelled like a huge camp fire mixed with the smell that fills the air after a huge building fire.  While I was thankful the flames were out, the smoke was so much that I'm sure it filled the backyards of those houses on our side of the street.  

By this point I was shaking, overcome with fear and my nerves shot.  Jarrett, thankfully stayed calm, went back in the house and got water to pour on the smoke.  I guess those years as a boy scout really did come to pay off.  He poured water on it and the smoke disappeared.  With each passing second the emotions and fears changed from emergency response mode, to reflective mode... what in the world had I almost done?  I could have started my house on fire?  OR even worse hurt my family (or others) very badly if the LP tank would have exploded.  As the reality set in and those fears crept into my mind, I felt worse and worse.  

Jarrett noticed my shaking and told me to calm down, that everything was okay (well not the grill) but that it wasn't worth getting so worked up over. 

I walked into our house with our blackened salmon (don't some restaurants charge a lot of money for that?) and put it on the counter to see if I could salvage it.  I cut off the outer layers and determined it was gonna work.  

Twenty minutes later we sat down for dinner and everyone decided our grilled (somewhat charred) salmon was good.  Meanwhile my heart, mind and worries were still racing through the images of what could have happened.

  Tonight, as I get ready for bed, I'm thanking God above for watching out for us and for not letting anything worse happen.  It really was a good reminder to me of just how quickly things can go from being good to very very scary.  

Thank you God for protecting us and watching out for us and for keeping my family safe.  

And from now on, I think I'll let Jarrett do the grilling... and I'll save the blackened salmon for when I eat out at a restaurant... or at our good friend's house. 

Until next time,

Angie

PS:  To end on a happier, lighter note... Madelyn turned 11 weeks yesterday.  How can she be so old already?

She continues to grow... smile continuously... and melt our hearts... 

If Noah were still here...

This summer I had the boys write in a journal daily.  They could write about any topic they liked.  My goal was to help them improve their writing skills, as well as grammatical proficiency.  There were several journals the boys shared with me this summer that made my heart feel so happy.  This is one of them.

I know it isn't just Dad and I that miss Noah, but all of us.  It makes me so happy and sad at the same time that our children have had to experience such loss, and at the same time, so happy in that Noah meant and still does mean so much to them as well as us.  I know each of the kids grieve the relationship and memories they never got to have with their little brother.  It is journal messages like the one Gabriel shared with me that remind me that we continue to be in this together.  As just like I have days when I miss him and grieve his physical absence in our family very openly and with great emotions, I am not the only one who is on this path.  We all are.

We all miss you little buddy.  We all long to have had things end differently.  And we want you to know that you are and will forever be loved... by all of us.

Until next time,

Angie

Belle of the Ball Soccer Star...

This summer we signed Isabelle up for her first sport activity... soccer.  She was very excited at first and loved going. It was an introductory soccer program and definitely not competitive, which was perfect. Dad took her to all the practices and I got to go to the last one with her big brothers and little sister.  They had a scrimmage and Isabelle did really well.  I was impressed with her coordination and ability to get the ball to go in the direction she wanted.  Here are a few of the highlights from the scrimmage...

Here she is moving the ball down the court.  

Isabelle and her coach.  She was super excited about the ribbon she got for participating.

And here she is at the end of the practice, waiting for coach to introduce all the kids who participated.  Holding her breath I guess, until coach could introduce her. 

The other activity we enrolled Isabelle in this year was a Prince and Princess Ball.  It was a morning program that Isabelle was excited to attend.  I thought it was a program where they could dress up and play pretend.  Turns out instead it was a dance program, where a dance instructor taught them different dance moves.  Guess that's a lesson for mom to actually read the class description prior to enrolling her in activities.  While I told her she'd get to play dress up and have fun at a ball, she instead learned a new dance.  She LOVED it and thankfully didn't hold anything against me that I had no idea what she actually was going to do.  

For their final performance we were invited to come and watch and I thought it was super cute.  While most of the other kids in the class had obviously been in dance for years, I was proud of Isabelle for how excited and into her performance she was... 

My little girl is growing up so quickly.  So often we accidentally call Madelyn, Isabelle as it still seems like she should be that small,  But I look at her and realize she's become a big girl right infront of my eyes.

She truly is the Belle of our Ball.

Until next time,

Angie

Back to school... back to work.

Today was a big day in our house.  Not only did we send off a 5th grader, a 4th grader, a pre-k(er- just feels like I should end it with "er") but today was my first day back at work and Madelyn's first day with Nana and Papa.

We were up super early and thankfully everyone got out the door and on their way in time.   I call that a success.

Tonight we all made it home and heard overall everyone had a great day.  I'm not gonna lie though, all of us are pretty wiped out... in fact, I'm gonna cut this short because I want to crawl in my bed as fast as possible.

But I couldn't not post pictures from our back to school morning...

The one (of many) things I didn't get done before school, was giving the boys' a haircut.  But they weren't complaining, they hate that I make them keep their hair short.

Michael is only 9 years old.  He "forgot" how old he was when he filled in his form.

Yep, it was a great day.  

I think it was hardest on me to leave Maddy but Nana and Papa were so wonderful and sent me pictures throughout the day of all the fun they were having.  It made the stress of missing her go away and I was able to enjoy my first day back.  

So here's to tomorrow... let's hope it goes as well as today went.  

And now... I'm off to bed.... SO TIRED!

Until next time,

Angie

Time, you're just going too fast!

Last night we went to meet the teacher night for the boys. Michael will be going into 4th grade and Gabriel into 5th, his final year of elementary school.  As we walked through the hallways of the school with the boys, our brand new daughter and our other daughter (who begged constantly to go to Kindergarten), I couldn't shake the thoughts in my mind... Where have my little boys gone?  The ones we picked up on that sunny and hot May day back in 2010.  These little guys...

Or these boys...

Or this little baby...

Or this little guy...

Honestly,  where did our babies go?

How have they grown so much, in front of my very eyes into these big kids, dare I say (almost) pre-teens. (gasp)

Time, you're just going too fast!

And then there's Isabelle.  As I said above, when I told the kids to get ready last night that we were going to meet the teacher, Isabelle was the first to jump up and race to her room.  She put on her socks, her shoes, grabbed her packpack (which she keeps always packed for going to Nana and Papa's house- just in case) and dumped the entire contents on the floor in her room.  She then grabbed her jacket and her blue blanket and came running out to meet me in the hallway.  Momma, I'm all ready for Kindergarten.  Then she gasped and realized she thought she needed her pre-k and kindergarten workbooks we've been working on this summer.  She threw her backpack down and raced to the kitchen to get her books off the counter.  While I stayed in the hallway by the door going to the garage, I knew what she was going to do even though she hadn't said a word.  I yelled to her that she could leave her books. Michael told her on the way back she wasn't going to kindergarten this year, which sent her into a tailspin.  With tears streaming down her face she raced to my leg and said, "Momma, I want to go to the boys' school this year?  Please momma can I go? I know my letters and numbers."  I tried to buy time and said, let's go look at the school tonight, you can bring your backpack with you.  The entire way to the school she asked constantly, "Can I go to the boys' school PLEASE!!!"   I knew we weren't going to get out this one very easy.  And I was right, the entire time we were at the school she begged to go meet her teacher, to the point that we actually went and visited a kindergarten teachers classroom, I introduced myself, made Isabelle introduce herself to the teacher and said next year she would hopefully be introducing herself as a student in your class, but she's only 4 and is VERY excited about school.  Thankfully the teacher was very nice and knew Michael (he was a helper in her classroom) so she was kind and super supportive of Isabelle coming back next year.  

Before going to bed last night, as I do every night, I walked into Isabelle's room to check on her one last time and I found her sleeping so peacefully.  Looking into her still porcelain skin, I could see the fading hints of her as a baby.  The baby I still think should be about 9 months old.  This baby...

Or this one with those amazing eyes,,,

or this little lovely...

And again, the baby with those eyes... I feel in love with the moment I met her.

Where did my precious little baby girl go?  And how did time pass without me realizing that now I have a beautiful almost school-age smart, confident and sassy girl that calls me momma.  This girl...

How can she be (almost) a kindergartner? 

Mr time slow down, you're just going to fast.

And finally Madelyn.  This morning I went through her clothes to move out the 0-3 size clothes to replace them with 3-6 months sizes.  As I pulled out each article of clothing, I held it next to her as she slept in her bassinet and soon realized so many of those clothes just won't fit anymore.  I texted Jarrett to tell him how emotional I felt and that I don't want these baby days to pass so quickly.  I don't think it helps that I go back to work on Monday and all the emotions that come with that.  Don't get me wrong, I am very sure in knowing I am not cut out for being a stay-at-home super mom.  I long for a routine, for adult (i.e. rational) conversations, and to feel productive in something for myself, but that doesn't mean I won't think of Madelyn and the rest of my kiddos every few minutes as I try to adjust back to a working life.  I'm just so thankful I get a taste of both worlds in working part-time.  (Wow, sorry for the tangent- guess I needed to give myself a pep-talk.)

Anyway back to sorting the clothes... there were some outfits that as I went to pack away, I could feel my heartstrings getting tugged.  For example, this outfit...

  

Please ignore the mattress- its wash day for the bed-sheets.

Yep, the one that says, "Owl always be loved"  The one she wore at less than 2 weeks old...

She was so tiny and even though I remember thinking she had cheeks then, I was completely wrong.  So little, so precious.  

This baby who barely fit in her bassinet, now almost is too big...

I simply can't comprehend that she has grown so quickly and that 10 weeks have gone by in the blink of an eye.  

From this..

to this...

Still so precious, just not as little.  Growing so fast!

I just can't accept it.  Mr. Time, I will resort to begging you.  Please slow down.  Please, as the photo above says... "Let them be little."  - Please let them say little for just a bit longer..  All of them please.  

Until next time,

Angie