Why we do it..

Three years ago tonight was Noah's due date and it was a date I would hope I remembered because of the surplus of happiness and joy it was supposed to have given us when he was born.  I know he could have come on a different date, but from the moment we found out we were expecting and what his due date was, October 3 immediately a symbol for what was to come.

Anticipation.  Hope.  Love.  That's what October 3, 2015 was supposed to be.

Never could I have dreamed of what twists and turns were waiting for us and as I sit and think back to three years ago tonight, I remember feeling the following way.

Anticipation.  Hope.  Love.

While I was not holding my son in my arms on October 3, 2015, I was holding an immeasurable amount of love, hope, anticipation and yes kindness in my heart.

Thanks to the many who turned out and participated in Noah's Kindness Project that first year, we were able to take a date that could have been filled with hurt and so much sadness, and instead fill it with the feelings we longed for when we first learned Noah was with us.

These last several weeks I've been thinking over and over about why we do Noah's Kindness Project.  We do it to help other people.  We do it as a way to try to pay back others for all the love and kindness that was shared with us in our hardest days.  We do it because it honestly makes us feel good too.  We do it because we have been blessed and feel it is our turn to share blessings with others.  We do it all, we do it all... because of him.

Noah.

This boy.

This precious baby who fit in the palm of his daddy's hands when he was weighed but created a place so big in our hearts it is forever etched with love for him.

My life has been permanently changed because of a tiny tiny baby that grew in my stomach for only 24 weeks and lived in our world for only 12 days.  A tiny baby that never got to experience so much of what life has to offer, and yet was able to teach me more in his life than I perhaps have learned from anyone else.

The lessons of unending love.  The lesson of grief.  The belief in what happens beyond this world.  The lesson that hurt and sadness can be eased by giving more of yourself, when honestly you don't feel like you have anything worthy of giving.  The lesson in hope.  In finding hope in the darkest of days, the kind of hope you can't see, feel or hardly believe exists but know you must trust it is there and do your best to keep going.  These are just a few of the many lessons I have learned in the time I have lived with and without my son here.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, or wish he was here.  But also in the three years we've been separated, I've come to accept the truth that I don't get to raise him.  I will never see him grow.  I will only get to have the memories of 12 days, that those 12 days have to last my lifetime. I have no doubt they will.

And even though I do not like that he is not here, I do like all that has come from his life and find great joy in what is accomplished on one day each year when we celebrate Noah's Kindness Project.  I love that a group of people from all different corners of this world come together to share kindness, spread joy, give hope and love.  When I think of the legacy our tiny boy who lived only 12 days has, I am proud, oh so proud to be his momma.

So on this day that reminds me of how different life is, than what I expected it to be, I still try to smile.  I smile, after I took a moment to feel sad and honor just how hard grief can be in losing a baby.  But I smile, I breathe soaking up the clean air that fills my lungs, and I press forward.  Because that's what we need to do.  Noah can't be here to live out his life, so I will do my best, in the days I am given to live for him, and for me, and I live for my other children and Jarrett.  I guess I live for you too.  Friend or family or stranger or not... we are all here to try to make this world a better place, to care for others by giving of ourselves.

On this October 3, 2018, I feel many things, but mostly I feel

Anticipation.  Hope.  Love.

Thanks to all of you who make Noah's Kindness Project as special as it.  We honor our son, but we have unending gratitude to you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Noah's proud momma.

A special Noah's Kindness Project act this year...

All of the causes we select for Noah's  Kindness Project are important and have special meaning for us.  I wanted to share this one specifically through as it is something we are very excited to gift to other parents.

Please take a moment or two and read about one of our latest projects.
https://noahskindnessproject.blogspot.com/2018/09/cuddle-cots-comfort-for-grieving.html

Until next time,
Angie

Grandparents Day- Special Moments, Precious Moments

On this grandparents day I give thanks for the greatest grandfather anyone could have.  He was so important in my life from day one... took me to preschool, kindergarten, drove me to teh top of the lane every morning to sit in his warm van before school, came to every sporting event, didn't matter how cold or rainy or how hard the bleacher seats were on his war worn hips.  He and my grandma even dropped me off at college.  I have talked to my grandpa almost everyday for the last 14 year, until just last weekend when I knew it would be my last shared in person hug in this life.  Being apart in your final days is hard, as I want to be by your side as you have been for me.  I look back on these many many abundant good moments we've shared and all I feel is gratitude.  How lucky to have gotten 38 years with your hero.  

Happy grandpa's day to the best grandpa ever.  I love you always and forever.  

Until next time,
Angie 

All in a day with Madelyn

As much as I love love love the baby stage (I'd willing change dirty diapers for the rest of my life if it meant keeping the baby stage), I do have to say this stage of Madelyn is a blast.  

She is such a happy camper, only crabby if she's tired, sick or hungry.  Pretty much the same reasons all of us can be crabby right? 

Madelyn loves to play, sing, dance, tease Jack, play with her siblings and lately swim.  She has a happy-go-lucky personality, is easy going and pretty much goes with the flow.  We've never really had her on a schedule and in a way I think it has worked out for the best.  She's happy no matter what we do.  

Her big siblings are really enjoying her too.  Each of them talk about how much they love her, how cute she is, and how they miss her when they are at school.  When they see each other after school they run up to each other and give hugs, even the big boys.

Madelyn and Michael are really close and they play very well together and Gabriel is a good protective big brother, who helps her when Maddie gets a "boo boo" (her term)!  

Madelyn is a prefect addition to our house and while our lives are crazy, we sometimes don't know if we are coming or going or both, it is such wonderful having her innocence and youth.  Especially on days when your oldest kiddo wants to have a conversation about kissing girls! (YIKES!!!)

So back to the innocence, fun and joy that is our Madelyn Faith.

Here are a few of her being herself lately.

Yep, that's Jack's bed and he is standing next to me as I took this picture with a look like, "She best get out of my bed! She gets all the attention she can't take the last thing I have away from me!"

And then there's the days when Madelyn can eat just as much as one of the boys.  This was her last Friday when she wanted 5 yogurts but we stopped at 4.  Seriously!  However as sporadically as she drinks milk, I'm hoping her body stored up the extra calcium!

Please can I have another yogurt!?!!

While Madelyn loves to play with her siblings, Dad and I, she is also incredible at playing quietly by herself.  This was last Friday when I had to get a lot of work done.  I sat her down and she played her quietly for at least 2 hours!  I understand that is one of her daddy's qualities.  SO SO NICE!

And then when she was ready for a change she decided to play with Isabelle's plate came where you can design girls in clothes and then color them. Madelyn thought it was a blast!

Oh yes, she is so much fun.  I feel her growing up so quickly as she talks in full sentences, is able to kick a ball, throw a basketball, answer questions that I feel are well advanced than 2 year old questions.  She is so loving, sweet and boy do we love her so.

Until next time,

Angie

Do you recognize them?

Our boys, they are at some funny stages right now.  I try to remember how hard middle school was for me and I can't imagine it has gotten any easier.  They are trying to figure out who they are and what the stand for.  Not an easy undertaking.  Here I am almost at a milestone bday (ahem, no need to mention the year) and I'm not sure I've figured myself out

Some days they make me crazy, I'm sure it would be fair to say most days I make them crazy.  It's part of being a family right.  They think I'm too controlling, (probably a bit of truth in that) and I tell them I'm only watching out for their best interests.  As much as we have our times when I wish they'd just listen and not push back, I know it's a part of life and that means they are growing too.  So it's a good thing.

I see them growing into men in front of my eyes and most days I have to remind myself they are not these little boys anymore...

Nope, not so little anymore.  While they act more mature they still have moments when I catch them being kids... 

Here are a few photos I took of them recently.

Hey Mom, this is what I'm going to look like as an adult!  - Michael

Um, okay, let's just plan to work on trimming the eye brow okay? 

And then this kid...

As I'm driving them to practice, "Hey Mom, do I have a booger hanging out of my nose?"

Seriously kid!  You better hope you don't get your eye stuck like that!

PS:  It's still well over 100 here, why he wears a sweatshirt, I have no clue.  Must be all those hormones making him cold!

Yep they are growing up before my eyes and the conversations we have now are more about what they should do after they graduate from high school and move out of the house (SCARY).  I am already planting the seed that they need to call their mom and text me regularly.  I've said don't you forget about your dear old mom who made you work hard, pushed you to do better and taught you that life doesn't always go how you want but you have to keep going.  Gabriel rolled his eyes and said, I know mom- I promise to call you a few times a year."  He best be joking.  And then there's Michael who upon hearing Gabriel's response said, "Don't worry mom, I'll call you at least 3 times a day and text you like 20, okay?" 

They are both so different and each so equally loved.  Can't believe we've gotten here so quickly.

Seems like it was only a few months ago.

Slow down time.

Until then,
Angie

Pull Up Project

Last weekend since it is still so blazing hot the girls decided to take Madelyn's pull up box and color the inside print.  Who knew a box could provide hours and hours of fun.  

I love these moments of them being able to play nicely, to do something other than watch TV.  

Instead of spending money on toys or movies, I guess we'll just buy a few boxes of pull ups and hope they can play for a few more hours.  

Until next time,

Angie

There will never be enough times...

I've talked about my grandpa before and here I am tonight talking about him again.  Some of my earliest, best memories are of times spent with my grandpa and grandma  They are two of the most incredible people I've ever met.  Sweethearts in their teens, separated by a world war for 2 years, countless nights of worry they must have endured and yet, they were destined to be together.  For 60 years their love story unfolded... six children, 14 grandchildren and many great grandchildren.  

What an incredible life.  And when I think of what my grandpa has been through in his 93 years I cry to think of what life could be like without him.  I know this past year has been probably one of his hardest yet.  My grandpa has worked hard his entire life and I don't think he ever officially retired, it wasn't until his last fall that he stopped going to work.  A model for hard work, faith and determination through and through.  He has always been my hero. 

In the hardest of times he called upon his faith, his trust in God and the values he was taught as a young boy to guide him through.  He respected his mother and cared for him until he had to say goodbye.  And then he showed the same love, respect and care for my grandma, the love of his life, until he had to say goodbye too.  I had never seen my grandpa cry until he lost my grandma.  It was clear in the 60 years they were together their hearts had connected in so many strings, it was clear his heart had sustained many wounds.  And yet through heartache, he gave and continues to give thanks.  He believes he will see his loved ones again and dreams of the days to dance again with my grandma.  You should have seen them dance, it was almost like they became one when their hands joined and the music started.  They could dance like no other.  I am sure it brings him a smile to think of what awaits.  

I give thanks for all the times I've shared with my grandpa, so many to recount and yet how come I selfishly feel like I still want more.  No matter what I know I will never be ready to say goodbye. I will never stop longing to have more.  He has been a part of my life from the beginning and I can't imagine a life without him.  A life when he isn't the first person I call in the morning and the person I long to talk to several times throughout the day.  When he calls me "Brown Eyes" or "Angela Kay", "Dear" or "Bright Eyes"  When he tells me he loves me and how I've brightened up his day just by making a simple call to say hi.  

Each time we conclude  our call  I tell him I love him and he tells me the same.  He thanks me for being one of the greatest joys of his life and I tell him I owe him more thanks.  It's moments like this that start off my day each day and remind me of why I admire and love him so much.  He isn't one to complain, but always gives thanks for what he has.  And on the days when the hardships are harder than others, he says, "I suppose it comes with the territory" and then says, "but I have a lot to be thankful for."  If only I could be more like him.  

Of all the times my grandpa and I have spent, he has always made me feel special, like I was loved and that he believed in me in anything I dreamed to do.  From my first day of preschool when he dropped me off and said, I had such a grip around his neck not wanting to let go, to taking me to school, coming to all my track meets no matter how rainy or cold, and dropping me off at college.  Most people don't get to have that many moments with their grandparents, I know how lucky I have been.  

I give great thanks for the moments my grandpa has been able to share with my family, and how he knows my children.  My grandmother passed before I became a mom and I always longed for her to meet my kids.  The fact that my grandpa got to meet and know my kids is a gift in itself.  We shared Christmas together, we went fishing, we read stories, we watched movies, we went to baseball games, we enjoyed grandpa's running egg breakfasts.  Oh yes we had many great times.   I will always cherish the Christmas's we spent together, Jack will too. He and grandpa were buddies during the day when the boys were at school and we were at work.  Oh to be able to relive those days.

 

The best eggs anyone in the world could make.

We went to football  games together. 

Michael and  Grandpa shared snacks and picked out "the yummiest ones"

Even though he only got to go to the 8th grade, my grandpa is one of the smartest men I know.  He didn't mind reading Sponge Bob to Gabriel

Or  telling Michael all  about where the  wrinkles on his hands came from.

Oh and the fishing trips on the vacations  to Iowa.....

A dream I always had, a reality we got to share. 

And then the girls came around.  Grandpa's lap was the perfect place for Isabelle to nap.  A warm, comfy place, rocked to sleep so peacefully. 

Love this picture!  Love my grandpa's  smile. 

On Christmas morning, Grandpa was always surprised that Santa had brought him presents too.  He said, "I don't know if I deserve any presents, but I'm pretty thankful for Santa."  And  then he'd wink at me. 

Love this picture of Grandpa and our family just a few Chrstmas's ago. 

And this picture, is of Grandpa, me and Noah.  One of the last weeks before my water broke. 

This picture is one of my favorites.  I can still remember that night like it was yesterday.  The house was warmed by the glow of all the Christmas tree lights.  The house was quiet as the kids were asleep and  Jack was asleep at the foot of Grandpa's chair.  I quickly snuck my phone out and snapped this and thought, I'm going to cherish this picture forever.  Such peace.  

This picture also makes  me think of the many Christmas he had before, when he was a boy, when he was first married, when he and Grandma had their oldest  children, when they had six kids at home and then their families grew, how they had the best Christmas's when we were kids and how  Christmas at grandma and grandpa's were the  best.   It is partially because of the way they made Christmas so special that I go so overboard with Christmas now.  I am sure he  would say all the years went  by too quickly.  

This picture a reminder that life will go too quickly. 

Reading more books.  A whole pile, he'd sit and read for as long as they'd listen.  Patience and kindness, the best role model. 

Even Madelyn agreed with what Isabelle felt as a baby.  Grandpa's lap was comfy and warm.

The last time my grandpa got to visit us out here in Arizona.  (Never mind Isabelle desperately needed a bang cut). He always make it such a point to try to come when he could, even when I knew it caused him pain  in his hips to ride that far and that traveling was harder and harder.  For us he'd come.  Again he'd always say we were worth it.  

As I sit here tonight, I pray for more times with my grandpa and my heart aches to think our times are limited.  I guess that is the case about life in general and with anyone we love.  I pray for more times but more than that I pray for comfort, for peace and that my grandpa feels the way he has made me feel my entire life.  That he feels loved more than anything, that he is the most important thing to us and that I will always give thanks for the moments we had.  

Grandpa will always be my greatest hero, the one I looked up to everyday of my life.  That he always knows how much I love him and that he continues to guide me all the days of my life.  

I end every call each morning with the same words, 

I'll call you later Grandpa but until then I'll be thinking of you always.  I love you.  

Yes, there will never be enough time. I will always want more. 

Until then,

Angie