I needed to just sit still....

With all the hurt that is happening in the world, I find myself having racing mind for most of the day and night.  I feel terribly sad for the realities of inequality in our country.  I don't know where to begin to fix it, but I can commit to trying to help do what I can to learn, to listen, to act and to teach my children to be better, to do better and to not settle in a way I feel we have in letting our black community down.  

I turn on the news and I read the stories and some strike me so directly I can't hold back the tears... the signs of the little boy holding a sign, "Am I next?"  The mother in the car with her infant baby in tears because she worries what his future will be like.  How privileged am I that I have never had to think about that for my child.  How wrong is it that I have naively not realized other mothers have.

I feel sad because I have lived in such a cloud and not recognized that some of my dearest friends have had to teach their children ways to live that I have never even thought for a second about sharing with mine.  This is not right.  This must change.  

Today I felt myself feeling the weight of the sadness taking over me and I knew I needed to just sit.  Between work, school, lack of sleep, the kids getting very tired of still being at home and the pressures of what to do and when to do it... I gave myself grace first.  

Probably selfish, probably not the best move but I did and here's why. Because when my tank is empty it is very hard to fill up anyone else's.  Jarrett had to go into work and it just so happened the big kids were off doing their thing, not fighting, playing happily and staying quiet.  I had just gotten Jennings to sleep and instead of taking him to put him in his crib, I decided just to hold him. I'm already sad about the fact that he will soon be 1 and racing away from me, so I decided I wasn't going to use another one of his naps to try to get done as much as I could.  I was going to hold my baby, I was going to watch the peace in each one of his breaths, and admire every single one of his features so imprint it in my mind.... our last baby.  I'm so sad it is already coming to an end.

I sat there and could feel my heart racing in my chest, still so upset about our country, the great divide and searching for hope from our leadership that things will get better.  I find that hope smaller and smaller when I see actions taken on those peaceful protesters.  I thought about turning on the news and then I decided no.

I reached for a book, a light-hearted one that I've been reading on and off for the last several months but never got to finish and I just read for fun.  No nursing text book, or work related article... just something for me for fun.  

As I read I settled into Jennings breathing rhythm and soon found my eyes getting heavy.  I leaned my head back into a pillow and I'm sure I fell asleep for a few minutes.  It wasn't long but I haven't felt that relaxed in many many months.  Probably since before COVID started.  

These last few months haven't been easy, honestly probably some of the hardest in trying to balance it all.  But even as I complain about the challenges of being at home with my family, safe in our home, I am reminded about just how privileged I am.  I go to bed tonight and pray for a better tomorrow.  A tomorrow where our black community members are treated with equal respect, honor, kindness and love.  Everyone deserves it and we have failed to ensure everyone gets it.

Until next time,

Angie

My favorite birthday... turning 40!

Last Friday I turned 40 and I while I was dreading it a bit, it turned out to be my most favorite birthday of my life.  Who knew right?

It started on Thursday night when my dear friends Janelle and Sonya came over in the evening and social distancing we sat outside in our backyard and talked until midnight... officially the start of my 40th year.  It was so nice, I hadn't seen them in so long.  They of course, thought of every detail, even down to their Noah's Kindness Project t-shirts.  I love those ladies... thank you again

Then that night I went to bed and checked Facebook where Jarrett had posted beautiful birthday wishes from him and the kids along with photos from our past years together.  Super touching.  I went to bed thinking it was a pretty amazing start to 40.

The next morning I woke up to a flood of messages, calls, posts and more.  Wow did I feel so so so loved.  I couldn't even keep up, still I'm reading messages.  I felt like I was floating on air.  Stacey stopped by to bring me a rainbow bouquet and a bag of chocolate that was supposed to last 40 days and 40 nights (always reminding me of my connection to our angel), sadly it might only last about 4 days and nights but I'm trying.  Then it was a beautiful bouquet of flowers from our wonderful old neighbors and friends the Franklins (so pretty and fragrant).  Then my friend Trudi stopped by for a wonderful socially distant visit and cookies... She knows me too.  The kids had tried to make cookies for me but they forgot the flour and we weren't sure what other ingredients so we just decided to stick with Trudi's gift.  It was so wonderful to see Trudi too!

And then Debi, our friend stopped by with a photo cake, ice cream and toppings and candles (so many candles).  It was so so nice.

And I"m still forgetting other things.... the gift bag from a friend Tamara, phone calls, the posts... my oh my the posts.  I literally haven't felt love like this since we had our children and when we lost Noah.

The entire day I couldn't stop thinking about how blessed I was and how turning 40 is such a gift.  Some people don't get to turn 40 and instead of looking at it like a bad thing to turn another decade older, I am at a point in my life where I have the dreams I've wanted since I was young.

My family, my incredible children, wonderful friends, happiness, confidence in who I am, faith that even when life knocks me down, I can get back up and determination to make the life I have the best it can be.

I have so much to be thankful for.  For so many of you who sent me kind messages, who posted pictures of days and years past and for giving me a chance to remember so many great times, to read words that filled my heart many times over and for being a part of my life.

40 is great so far.  Now I pray for our world, our country... for more kindness, for more understanding... and MORE LOVE.  We need it now more than ever.

Until next time,
Angie

This guy....

Jennings is such a wonderful baby and I see him changing more and more each day he wakes.  The days of the baby are slowing drifting by and I can see glimpses that he's inches closer to the milestones babies after their first year reach.  He is so close to walking and he is starting to learn sign language to tell us he is done eating and he wants more.  Today he surprised me when I told him to tell Daddy bye bye and he actually waved goodbye.  

He is such a great baby and I have genuinely savored each of the moments we've shared.  I try not to complain about the times he wakes me up in the middle of the night as I know they are fleeting and soon enough he will be sleeping through the night and not need me as much.  

He makes the funniest faces and he knows how to whine in a way now to get his way.  I supposed it's just the start of the things he'll get by with, you know being the baby and all.  

I am so thankful for these days.... I can honestly say we've been able to spend the most time with him during his first year.  Thank you to the virus we've been able to be there for almost all of his firsts, if not all of them.  

In just over 6 weeks he will turn 1.  I can't believe it.  Just a year ago at this time I was praying for a healthy baby to arrive and I'm so grateful he's here with us and most days... he plays at my feet while I work.

Until next time,

Angie

Reflections of my 30's as I turn 40

In just two and a half days I will turn 40.  I can't believe I'm typing that 40.  As much as I type it, tell myself it and try to convince myself I've reached middle age, I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around it. 

A few weeks ago in between my final prerequisite and the official start of my nursing program, I went through my closet and cleaned out my clothes... some of them had been in my wardrobe since I was in college, literally 20 years ago.  Most of them however I pulled out because they simply don't fit.  Yes, I've gained weight and haven't lost the baby weight.  That's the truth... I can't make up any excuses because they would just be that.  As I pulled out more than half of my work attire and my daily clothes, I started to shame myself to tell myself what a failure I was because I hadn't lost the weight, that I have a belly that could possibly pass for being pregnant still (I'm not) and from there it was a slippery slope, one that left me feeling pretty darn defeated and disappointed in myself. 

Turns out my sweet tooth is often peaked when I'm stressed and when I don't get enough sleep, I turn to sugar to fuel my body.  Let me tell you, I've been buying M&M's by the party size and we all know there haven't been any parties with this COVID-19 happening around us.  I know it isn't healthy and isn't the best for me.  The kids even say, "Mom you're having more chocolate?"  Let me tell you, I average about 4-5 (if I'm lucky) hours of sleep a night and truthfully I'm tired. 

Anyway, as I put box after box full of nice clothes away I told myself how I had failed me.  And that isn't really how I wanted to enter my 40's. 

And I felt that way for the last few weeks... until this morning.  I have been taking time for myself these last few weeks, I have been exercising not to really lose the weight, but honestly just to have a few minutes to myself. Today after I went for a run I came back home and as I was showering I started to let those negative feelings come to me and then it hit me. 

Why am I feeling bad for the clothes that don't fit me that I got 10 years ago, or 15 years ago and were hand-me-downs to begin with?  Am I the same person I was 10 year ago, or even 2 years ago?  Honestly, I'm not even the same person I was 10 months ago before Jennings arrived, and while being unhealthy isn't an excuse for why I'm okay looking like I am, I am okay looking like I am for what my life has given me.

Let me explain... in 2010 when I wanted nothing more than to be a mom, I made a promise to God that if he would just answer my prayer and let one or two or even better, 5 little people call me mom, than I would never complain about the pouches of fat I had, the dark bags under my eyes, the gray hair or even the wrinkles.  Because to me, these are all signs that I've lived.  These grey hairs wouldn't have come (SO SOON) without teenagers stressing me out.  And these dark circles wouldn't be so pronounced if it wasn't for the many years of sleepless nights we've had with our babies and by all goodness, this dough boy looking pouch I have around my stomach it is mainly to thank from the babies who have been inside of me and brought me the great joy and love.

See, according to the magazines, the fashion experts and many others... my body is an example of what you don't want to look like.  While I look in the mirror and wish my pants fit better and my old clothes would fit (mainly because I'm too cheap to spend money for me on clothes), I am oh so so so happy I have a "mom body" 

Because without these amazing kids and this guy in the picture below my life wouldn't be nearly as incredible as I feel it is.  Yes we drive each other crazy, we are far from perfect, we get in arguments and sometimes wish we could go on a vacation alone for several weeks... but my truth is... as I turn 40 I can't think of anything I haven't been blessed with. 

So I'll take my extra "baggage" as I roll into another decade.  A time I hope for personal growth, for reflection and for confidence to just be who I am. 

I don't think I would have ever posted this picture a few years ago.  I look at it and feel insecure in how I look.  Then I look at the people who are around me and I think... I want them to have pictures with ME in them too.  I usually take the photos so I'm not in a lot.  And truthfully they don't love me because I look a certain way or not, I think they love me for who I am.   

This was us yesterday the whole family spending time at the memorial garden where we feel like our family is truly complete. 

Until next time,
Angie

A fun family Sunday... at a safe social distance.

Today was such a nice family day.  Again I think to myself... if it wasn't for this terrible virus, we would never have taken the time to create these memories. After church, and debating what we should do while staying safe, we made the decision to leave the house!

Can you see the excitement that everyone felt in just leaving the walls of our home.  We ended up driving about 1/8 of a mile away from our house to a little desert oasis I had no idea was so amazing and so close.

The boys knew about it and recommended it, because they like to fish and explore there.  I hadn't taken the time to really see all it offered.  Turns out it has now become a new favorite spot we will most definitely be visiting in the future.  And the other bonus... there was almost no one else there!

Honestly it's like our own private park just around the corner from our house...

Jennings was excited to be outside (poor boy has almost all pink stuff.... got to love hand-me-downs from the big sister)

He was looking all around

Isn't it beautiful?

The boys immediately jumped into fishing and were in their glory.  Boy had they missed this. It was finally something from their normal routine

I couldn't believe all of the beauty that was around it.  I think with us having time to slow our world down, I've been able to see even more of the beauty that surrounds us.  

Gabe getting ready to cast.  It felt normal to be there but we are keenly aware our world is different.  We are still adjusting to wearing the masks.  I wonder if someday it will be normal.

While the boys went fishing, we walked around and took in all there is to see.  And turns out there was so much. We saw turtles, fish, several families of geese with their new babies, ducks, hawks, and lots of beautiful flowers.  

Jennings was thrilled!

After our adventure at the secret oasis, we decided to surprise the kids and get ice cream.  But not before we found a round-a-bout and decided to just drive in circles until the kids realized what we were doing.  Here's a video of it... I couldn't stop laughing...

Totally made me think of European Vacation 

They were pretty pumped to get ice cream.

Turns out Jennings wasn't thrilled we didn't share with him so after screaming for a while we decided to let him try... turns out hes a huge fan!  HUGE.  Probably should have waited a few more months... but as the 5th kid, pretty much anything goes right? 

After we got home I decided to give Jennings some actual food (his favorite sweet potatoes) and Madelyn decided it was a good time to hang on my neck.

She then begged to "make me pretty" and gave me a quarantine mommy make over.   The price is right and the results are shocking. 

She was working very hard and a few times I asked if we were done...

Making progress

.

Told you the results would be shocking... she likes glittery things but you wouldn't know would you

(This little guy keeps on learning new ways to talk it seems daily)

To wrap up the night the kids played a game of Jelly Belly Bean Boozled.  Its the game where you spin and you might get a good tasting jelly bean or a nasty one.  Most of the time you're getting a nasty one... Madelyn seemed to be able to tolerate them even if they were nasty.  Michael on the other hand... well he wasn't able to keep his meal down after the spoiled milk. 

Today was a really nice day and while we've had our true fill of family time, we are making lots of memories I hope the kids will remember for the rest of their lives.  We will no doubt look back on this time and know it was a very difficult time for our country and so many lost their lives, but we will also look back and see that there was good times too.  We've never spent more time together and for the most part, it has been a really good thing

.

Until next time,

Angie (aka: Sparklicious) 

Still can't believe he's going to be in high school...

This week Gabe graduated from 8th grade and I can't wrap my mind around the fact that in three short months he will be off to high school.  How can it be?

Wasn't it just yesterday he was dressing up and pretending he was superman and going to rid the world of Lex Luther?

Wasn't it just yesterday he still had those baby-like hands and the cute baby-face?

I promise it feels like just yesterday when I found him praying in the backyard for the plant he and Michael dug up and knew they had ruined it.

Yep it was yesterday when he was so extremely grateful for the smallest of things, like a flashlight or toilet paper... well I guess somethings to be grateful for don't change...

Wasn't it just yesterday when this handsome little boy came into our lives and with his innocent smile and memorizing eyes that melted my heart?

This first ride home after meeting him the day prior will always be etched into my mind as one of the greatest days of my life.  I promise this was not THAT long ago.

But I guess the yesterday has turned into many yesterdays and I simply want time to slow down a bit.  If the last 10 years have gone this fast.... that makes me know the next 4 will fly by.

While it seems like yesterday he was just this age, I know that the memories we've had and those I cherish are more than could fill 1,000,000 days.

We are so proud of this little guy, although he's not so little anymore...

As he begins this exciting next step of his life, I hope he always knows how much he is loved, how we only want the best for him and how we are going to push him to always strive for the skies.  

Congrats Gabe on your graduation from middle school.  Good luck in high school... please listen to our advice...

Always try your best

Be friends with everyone you can

Try as many new things as you can

Don't be afraid to fail, it's how you learn

Know we are here to support you and guide you along the way.

Have fun.

Never doubt how much we love you.

Until next time,

Mom

Schools out... for summer!

It officially happened yesterday but today was the first day of summer...

Flash back to the first day of school...

This year's school year ended in a way I don't think any of us saw coming.... Who would have thought they would spend the last quarter of school doing online assignments, tuning into Zoom meetings like their parents and having to share computers and fight over internet spotty service just to "do school"  It was definitely not how any of us perceived we would spend our spring.

Here are a few things we learned:

• Mom is definitely not cut out out to be a stay-at-home teacher
• Mom is definitely sub-par when it comes to being a "nice teacher"
• Mom's expectations are too high (or maybe their expectations are too low) we differ on how to view this lesson
• The kids will never complain about "going to school" again
• Teachers deserve more money, more resources, and a declaration of "sainthood" in my opinion.  My one room school house of 5 was super chaotic... I can't imagine class sizes of 30 plus!
• Teacher's definitely deserve their summers off!
• School is about learning and so much more... like social time, friends, activities and more.  The kids miss their friends, and simple activities we took for granted... PE, library, art and music.  

And so many more lessons.  

Last day of school.

While we have no idea what school will look like in the fall, we give thanks that our children have access to education based programs, have food at home and are safe.  We recognize that for some children, school was the only place in their life where they had these basic necessities and while I joke that "home school" was hard, truth be told, we all did just fine.

For those kids at home with worries about where their next meal will come, afraid for what their lives look like and a lack of basic things like books... my heart is filled with ache.  My mind spins at night when I should sleep about how to help.  I pray their worries will turn into answered prayers and that normalcy and safety, learning and fun will return to their lives very soon.

Until next time,

Angie