I needed to just sit still....

With all the hurt that is happening in the world, I find myself having racing mind for most of the day and night.  I feel terribly sad for the realities of inequality in our country.  I don't know where to begin to fix it, but I can commit to trying to help do what I can to learn, to listen, to act and to teach my children to be better, to do better and to not settle in a way I feel we have in letting our black community down.  

I turn on the news and I read the stories and some strike me so directly I can't hold back the tears... the signs of the little boy holding a sign, "Am I next?"  The mother in the car with her infant baby in tears because she worries what his future will be like.  How privileged am I that I have never had to think about that for my child.  How wrong is it that I have naively not realized other mothers have.

I feel sad because I have lived in such a cloud and not recognized that some of my dearest friends have had to teach their children ways to live that I have never even thought for a second about sharing with mine.  This is not right.  This must change.  

Today I felt myself feeling the weight of the sadness taking over me and I knew I needed to just sit.  Between work, school, lack of sleep, the kids getting very tired of still being at home and the pressures of what to do and when to do it... I gave myself grace first.  

Probably selfish, probably not the best move but I did and here's why. Because when my tank is empty it is very hard to fill up anyone else's.  Jarrett had to go into work and it just so happened the big kids were off doing their thing, not fighting, playing happily and staying quiet.  I had just gotten Jennings to sleep and instead of taking him to put him in his crib, I decided just to hold him. I'm already sad about the fact that he will soon be 1 and racing away from me, so I decided I wasn't going to use another one of his naps to try to get done as much as I could.  I was going to hold my baby, I was going to watch the peace in each one of his breaths, and admire every single one of his features so imprint it in my mind.... our last baby.  I'm so sad it is already coming to an end.

I sat there and could feel my heart racing in my chest, still so upset about our country, the great divide and searching for hope from our leadership that things will get better.  I find that hope smaller and smaller when I see actions taken on those peaceful protesters.  I thought about turning on the news and then I decided no.

I reached for a book, a light-hearted one that I've been reading on and off for the last several months but never got to finish and I just read for fun.  No nursing text book, or work related article... just something for me for fun.  

As I read I settled into Jennings breathing rhythm and soon found my eyes getting heavy.  I leaned my head back into a pillow and I'm sure I fell asleep for a few minutes.  It wasn't long but I haven't felt that relaxed in many many months.  Probably since before COVID started.  

These last few months haven't been easy, honestly probably some of the hardest in trying to balance it all.  But even as I complain about the challenges of being at home with my family, safe in our home, I am reminded about just how privileged I am.  I go to bed tonight and pray for a better tomorrow.  A tomorrow where our black community members are treated with equal respect, honor, kindness and love.  Everyone deserves it and we have failed to ensure everyone gets it.

Until next time,

Angie