Reflections of my 30's as I turn 40

In just two and a half days I will turn 40.  I can't believe I'm typing that 40.  As much as I type it, tell myself it and try to convince myself I've reached middle age, I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around it. 

A few weeks ago in between my final prerequisite and the official start of my nursing program, I went through my closet and cleaned out my clothes... some of them had been in my wardrobe since I was in college, literally 20 years ago.  Most of them however I pulled out because they simply don't fit.  Yes, I've gained weight and haven't lost the baby weight.  That's the truth... I can't make up any excuses because they would just be that.  As I pulled out more than half of my work attire and my daily clothes, I started to shame myself to tell myself what a failure I was because I hadn't lost the weight, that I have a belly that could possibly pass for being pregnant still (I'm not) and from there it was a slippery slope, one that left me feeling pretty darn defeated and disappointed in myself. 

Turns out my sweet tooth is often peaked when I'm stressed and when I don't get enough sleep, I turn to sugar to fuel my body.  Let me tell you, I've been buying M&M's by the party size and we all know there haven't been any parties with this COVID-19 happening around us.  I know it isn't healthy and isn't the best for me.  The kids even say, "Mom you're having more chocolate?"  Let me tell you, I average about 4-5 (if I'm lucky) hours of sleep a night and truthfully I'm tired. 

Anyway, as I put box after box full of nice clothes away I told myself how I had failed me.  And that isn't really how I wanted to enter my 40's. 

And I felt that way for the last few weeks... until this morning.  I have been taking time for myself these last few weeks, I have been exercising not to really lose the weight, but honestly just to have a few minutes to myself. Today after I went for a run I came back home and as I was showering I started to let those negative feelings come to me and then it hit me. 

Why am I feeling bad for the clothes that don't fit me that I got 10 years ago, or 15 years ago and were hand-me-downs to begin with?  Am I the same person I was 10 year ago, or even 2 years ago?  Honestly, I'm not even the same person I was 10 months ago before Jennings arrived, and while being unhealthy isn't an excuse for why I'm okay looking like I am, I am okay looking like I am for what my life has given me.

Let me explain... in 2010 when I wanted nothing more than to be a mom, I made a promise to God that if he would just answer my prayer and let one or two or even better, 5 little people call me mom, than I would never complain about the pouches of fat I had, the dark bags under my eyes, the gray hair or even the wrinkles.  Because to me, these are all signs that I've lived.  These grey hairs wouldn't have come (SO SOON) without teenagers stressing me out.  And these dark circles wouldn't be so pronounced if it wasn't for the many years of sleepless nights we've had with our babies and by all goodness, this dough boy looking pouch I have around my stomach it is mainly to thank from the babies who have been inside of me and brought me the great joy and love.

See, according to the magazines, the fashion experts and many others... my body is an example of what you don't want to look like.  While I look in the mirror and wish my pants fit better and my old clothes would fit (mainly because I'm too cheap to spend money for me on clothes), I am oh so so so happy I have a "mom body" 

Because without these amazing kids and this guy in the picture below my life wouldn't be nearly as incredible as I feel it is.  Yes we drive each other crazy, we are far from perfect, we get in arguments and sometimes wish we could go on a vacation alone for several weeks... but my truth is... as I turn 40 I can't think of anything I haven't been blessed with. 

So I'll take my extra "baggage" as I roll into another decade.  A time I hope for personal growth, for reflection and for confidence to just be who I am. 

I don't think I would have ever posted this picture a few years ago.  I look at it and feel insecure in how I look.  Then I look at the people who are around me and I think... I want them to have pictures with ME in them too.  I usually take the photos so I'm not in a lot.  And truthfully they don't love me because I look a certain way or not, I think they love me for who I am.   

This was us yesterday the whole family spending time at the memorial garden where we feel like our family is truly complete. 

Until next time,
Angie