The way I feel...

I'm honestly having a hard time accepting the fact that Michael isn't little anymore. I think I accepted the fact that Gabriel is growing up and I'm so proud of all he's learned and how he strives to learn more.  I guess I was okay with Gabriel growing up because it felt like Michael was small and would still need a lot of help.  That isn't the case anymore.  It wasn't like the boys came to us as infants, in fact pretty much the opposite of infants but to me Michael was always smaller, needed more help and I guess you could say, to us the baby, we never had. 

When he turned 4 I remember him saying how he was a big boy and although I told him I agreed, I think secretly in my mind I was saying I didn't want him to grow up so quickly.  Maybe it is me being selfish, but in someways I attribute him being small to needing me and wanting my help.  With every passing day I see him accomplish new things, recite new lessons learned and I guess, grow right in front of my eyes.  I suppose I had better start dealing with it because it isn't going to change, in fact he and his brother Gabriel, well, they are just gonna  keep on growing. 

I tell myself that they will continue to need me even as they get big.  And even though their needs may differ, I hope they always know I will need them just as much as I did when they were 3 and 4.  And don't get me wrong, my name is still called about 75 times every hour we are together...
"Mommy, where's my shoes?"  "Mom, can I have some candy?" "Mom, will you play with me?" "Mommy, Gabriel won't let me play Batman"  and so on and on. 

Perhaps it is because being their mom has become the main manner in which I define my worth.  Maybe I worry that I might not have value as they grow up.  Maybe I'm just over analyizing everything and Jarrett reminds me daily that they are only 4 and 5 not 18 and 19 and leaving the house.  I guess he's right. 

Maybe it is just that the days now seem like minutes, weeks like a day, months like a week and the year, I don't even know where it has gone.  I continue to remind myself to cherish each moment but some days that is hard, when life just won't slow down.

I'm so thankful to have them in our lives.  I wonder if I'll look back in 15 years and think I was foolish for feeling this way, or if I'll still have the same feelings.  I guess the main difference then will be that they will actually be 18 and 19 and starting their own lives.  Wow, that is scary to think about.  So instead, I'll just bury my head in the sand tonight and cherish that they truly are only 4 and 5.

Until next time,
angie