Waiting is the hardest...

Remember when you were a child and waiting was the worst?
You know, when your parents told you about something exciting to look forward to:


• we’re going on vacation next weekend
• your friend can stay overnight on Friday
• Schools out in 3 months


It took forever. Whenever it seemed there was something exciting to look forward to, it never could arrive soon enough.


As an adult, I now like the idea of planning something far enough in advance, where I can build it up, plan it out in my head and relive it over and over and over. Vacations for example, I tell Jarrett as soon as we get back from a trip, I need to know what we are going to do next. It doesn’t have to be anything big, but I need to know, because I need to look forward to it, to plan it and to count down the days until it arrives.


I thought as an adult I would feel this way about all things planned in the future. It turns out though there is one thing that I can’t wait any longer for. And that thing is waiting to adopt our daughter. It is the hardest. Every morning I wake up and count down the days until our next court hearing, the one where severance should finally be granted and spend multiple times a day, thinking/praying that God allows her to be ours forever. Every night as I lay in bed saying my prayers and looking at her beautiful sleeping face in the bassinet next to me, I say thank you for one more day. She’s in my heart and she’s in our future as we plan for things 6 months, 1 year, 5 years and 30 years down the road. She’s in our lives forever, and we can’t imagine anything without her. The truth is though, that until that special day when the judge confirms my thoughts and issues that new birth certificate listing Jarrett and I as her parents, I have to wait. Waiting is the hardest.


I try to keep the faith and trust that God called us to be there for her when she was born and for the rest of her life. God willing we will be her parents and Gabriel and Michael her brothers forever. Deep in my heart I believe it will all work out, but there are moments of doubt, anxiety and worry that seep in like a water running through a crack in the sidewalk. Those are the hardest moments. Being a person who likes to have control and feel comfortable in a situation, this experience gives me nothing of that. Instead I feel like a leaf in a flooded river being tossed from bank to bank and sucked under by the current. Some days it is hard to mask my feelings, to continue to believe. I turn to Jarrett, who as a man, I don’t think is weighted down by such worries. He believes it will all work out and so there is no need to waste any more time worrying about things that could possibly happen. Many times I have to turn to him, divulge my insecurities and it is him who reminds me of the beautiful face we have with us and to celebrate the moment.


He is right, and celebrate each moment we have. So that is what we do each day. Wake up giving thanks to God that Isabelle (our special Isabellie bellie) is waking us up with her baby coos and smiles and celebrating the blessings each day brings… from rolling over to giving baby kisses. She (and our boys) bring us so many blessings and so much love, I give thanks today for them.


But that still doesn’t mean I’m not counting down the days until she is forever ours. Waiting is the hardest…


Until next time,


Angie