Day 11: A Child of God

Today was Noah's baptism and it was even more special that I could have dreamed.  Last night when I went to bed, I felt sad that we weren't able to hold the service at church like most families, but then I realized, Noah's baptism will be a bit extra special.  Not very many babies get to shut down the NICU for their service, but that's what Noah did.

This morning I woke at normal time 4:45 and raced to get out the door before the rest of the house stirred.  Its getting harder to leave in the mornings if the kids are awake.  Isabelle begs me through her tears to stay with her.  She cries, "Mommy, don't go!"  It tears my heart out and I try to reassure her I will be back soon.  There just isn't enough of me to go around.  I feel torn between so many things.  I pray Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle will understand Dad and my absenteeism in the coming months and I pray someday when their baby brother comes home, we can all reunite in our family bonding.

This morning on my way to the hospital, I prayed as I normally do that Noah would remain stable and that his respiratory issues would improve.  During the night, Brandee kept me posted on his progress, telling me he didn't have as good of a night as the evening before but she had made some small progress on weaning him down.  When I arrived at the hospital he seemed stable, still on his tummy with his head to the left.  He loves to turn his head to the left and seems most comfortable on his tummy.  Brandee says most babies like their tummies because it makes it easier for them to breathe, since the lungs are towards the back of their body.

At cares this morning Brandee attempted to turn Noah back to his back.  He was not thrilled with the move and definitely made it known, by dropping all of his vitals and struggling to maintain his oxygen levels.  Jarrett was at the hospital this am in time to watch them do another x-ray to see if his upper right lung that was deflated had rebounded.  Jarrett called me at work to give me the report.  His upper right lung improved but overall they are seeing more fluid in his lungs that they don't like.  They see clearly now that his PDA is causing complications.  But the doctors feel they'd like to hold off on doing something until he gets a bit bigger and gains some strength.  However if they have to do something they will.  We pray that Noah's body can support and sustain the other organs not getting the oxygenated blood (or as much as they need) for a couple of weeks.  Then he will be in a better shape to tolerate the medication they will attempt to give him to close the valve.  The other thing we hope and pray for is that the ductus will automatically close on its own.  It would be like winning the lottery.

The morning progressed and for some reason I felt an unusual amount of anxiety.  I couldn't put my finger on it but around 11 I called Jarrett quickly and said, "I can't shake this feeling... I'm worried."  He reminded me to have faith and I prayed while I gathered Noah's future feedings in my office.

After work I raced to the hospital to find Noah's new nurse Lauren helping Noah's alarms.  She said he had had a rough morning and had been on 100% oxygen since 11.  Maybe its a mother's instinct or just a worrisome moment, but I couldn't help but think of the correlation.

I sat quietly with Noah by myself at his bedside for the next almost 2 hours and prayed.  I sang him "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", it was a song I sand often for Isabelle on our way to school and I thought just maybe he would recognize my voice and the lullaby.   It was very peaceful and his vitals seemed stable. I talked with his nurse about the baptism and she said she talked to the charge nurse and they decided they would close down his pod so that other visitors were limited and wouldn't interrupt his special ceremony.  I thought it was very nice of them to offer to do that for us.

At 3:30 Nana, Papa, Grandma Darlene, Aunt Marjory, Aunt Anita, Uncle Andy, Cousin Alicia, Uncle Jeremy, Aunt Natalie and Pastor Troy arrived for his special event.  We met in the family lounge and shared with everyone that Noah is very sensitive to sound but that the nurses closed the NICU Pod D for him so that everyone could come in.  We all walked to the pod, washed up as normal protocol and gathered around his bed.  Pastor Troy began with a prayer, read bible verses that talked about baptism and then moved to the side of Noah's bed.  I removed the scent cloth covering his eyes and then Pastor baptized him in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.   We then finished with a prayer.  It was a simple but very special ceremony.

Pastor Troy said we can have a re-dedication ceremony after he comes home.  I long for that day.

After his baptism I returned to his bedside and noticed his oxygen levels were decreasing and for the next two hours he fell below the levels we'd like to see him.  For a while again he was at 100% oxygen.  I hate seeing him like that and try to remind myself the staff know what they are doing.  Trust them.

Jarrett and I went home for a bit after he stabilized a bit and talked to the rest of the family.  One of the many wonderful people who have been bringing us dinner tonight, brought us a Baptism cake to celebrate Noah.  It was such a nice treat.

Tonight we returned back to the NICU and found Noah's vitals improved.  It is always such a huge relief.  Tonight at cares I got to change Noah's diaper all by myself, still a scary thing as I don't want to hurt him.  And Jarrett got to weigh Noah.  He weighed 780 grams, which calculates to 1 pound 12 ounces.  We think it might be a bit off, but are still happy he showed some gains- must be all those fluids they are giving him.

Now that Noah has been given the opportunity to be on his tummy he has decided he is no longer interested in being on his back and he tells all his nurses this by dropping his vitals.  Tonight his nurse tried to put him on his side and he wasn't not happy about it.  After about 30 minutes of alarms beeping and stats dropping she put him back on his tummy.  Immediately he rebounded.

One of his nurses earlier today, after having Noah fight to keep his head facing the left side, asked me what side Jarrett and I stand on when we come to see him.  I told her I always go to the left side.  She said, "that makes a lot of sense now, he's looking and listening for you."

Another quick story about Noah telling us what he wants.  This afternoon his nurse moved him from facing on his left side to turning his head on the right side.  Noah wasn't interested and tried several times to pick up his head and turn it back.  The nurses were impressed.  Most babies his age do not have the strength to do that.  And while they were impressed by his strength they really weren't impressed because he has a tube in they don't want to move.  After a few talks and him not being too interested in giving in, he finally settled down and let them have their way.  I told them he might get his stubbornness from his mother.

Finally, my dad flew in tonight and was able to meet his 4th grandson.  It was a special night and even dad said, "I can't believe how tiny he is."

Yep, Dad he's tiny, but he's also a fighter and today, our little miracle was baptized as a child of God. Another good day.

Noah- Sleep well my baby.  Today was a special day, as you were baptized.  I can't wait to see you in the morning.  Until then my precious little one, know that mommy's heart is right with you.

Until next time,
Angie