Yesterday was no exception. Actually it was a special day as one of our beloved neighbors is moving back to Chicago to reunite with their family. They were brought out here by their Dad's work and now the time has come for them to go back home. Michael and Gabriel and neighbor Jack have really become great friends and it was a sad day knowing this was the last of the play dates we were going to have (at least for a long while).
I love to listen to the conversations the kids have. Most of the time I sit in the background and pretend I'm doing something else, while always keeping an open ear to whats going on. Lots of times their conversations are typical boy stuff... sports, burping, other bodily gasses, what happened with some other kids at school and what cool video game they are most interested in now. Honestly, not the most interesting stuff; but that isn't always the case.
Yesterday as I sat back at watched them eat the smorgasbord of snacks I'd prepared for them (4 growing boys, its more like a full Thanksgiving meal), I listened to a very interesting conversation.
As they mowed down on watermelon, cheese, meat and crackers, Jack turned to Michael and said, "Michael, was your "real" mom homeless?" Michael and Gabriel looked at Jack and then Michael said, "No," giving pause for a minute. "My "real" mom has never been homeless." Continuing on he said, "My real mom is right there." pointed to me and said, "Right mom?" I sat in the background not interjecting, wanted to know more about how this conversation would continue.
I knew immediately who Jack was referring to when he said "real" mom and it didn't bother me to know he was NOT talking about me. I know he didn't mean any disrespect; he was trying to find the right word to inquire about Michael and Gabriel's birth mother but just didn't know how to categorize her.
I listened carefully as the conversation continued. Jack said, "Well okay, not your real mom then but your (pause)...." Michael interrupted, "My birth mom?" "Yes!" Jack said. Without hesitation Michael picked up where Jack had left off, almost knowing exactly what question he was asking. Michael stated, "My birth mom wasn't able to take care of us like she should of. So we went to live with a foster family until Mom and Dad could buy us." I started laughing, Michael looked at me like, "Isn't that right mom?" And I said, "Well Michael, we didn't buy you but everything else is correct." He laughed then too, "I mean adopted us." to which the four boys around the table all giggled. Jack then asked, "How many times have you been adopted?" "Only one Jack, you only get adopted once. Or at least most people do right mom?" Still sitting back acting like I was busy, I said, "Yes, you will stay with us forever. Only adopted once!"
I was curious how the conversation would continue but in that answer Jack was satisfied with what he had heard and the next topic of conversation was already started, "Look at me!" as Harlan threw a goldfish cracker up in the air and caught it in his mouth. A new competition for the boys was underway.
I couldn't help but replay the "real" mom conversation over and over in my mind. I felt like I was a fly on the wall watching the boys share their story. While Michael did all the talking, I watched Gabriel's reaction to the questions and wondered why he never uttered a word, letting Michael do all the talking. I guess if I think back, Jack was asking Michael the questions so maybe that's why he did all the talking. I was really proud of Michael for his response to Jack's questions (minus the fact he thinks we bought him). :-). Michael's responses were straightforward, honest and I could tell he was almost proud to say I was his "real" mom. I have always said I never want the boys (and Isabelle too) to feel different, embarrassed or ashamed of their story; it is a happy one. Yes, granted they suffered loss of their birth family and that I feel sad for them for that, however, we found each other and if it wasn't for that loss, we all wouldn't have the great life we do. While I've always felt that way, I want to make sure the boys feel that way too.
Gabriel has always been the one more open about their adoption, about his past and about how thankful he is to have our family. He continues to be the more emotional one, still walking up out of the blue to give us hugs, to simply say, "I love you mom!" or "I'm so happy for my family". Michael on the other hand isn't our emotional one. He doesn't really wear his lovey emotions on his sleeve, and while he asks questions sometimes, most of the times he's just your typical kid, more focused on playing, doing things he wants or fighting with his sister, than being open and forthcoming about his feelings on being adopted.
Hearing Michael's response to the question I am sure they are going to receive over and over in their lives, made me realize, while we make a lot of mistakes in parenting, at least I feel were doing okay in making sure the kids are prepared with how to answer that question and that they are not uncomfortable sharing their story.
In the last 7 years I've read a lot about adoption and how to help your kids as they grown with understanding their past. I've also read a lot about what it means to be a "real" mom versus an "adoptive" mom or even a "birth" mom. And while all those text book definitions are okay, if I had to pick one title I'd like to have most, its the title my middle son gave me yesterday as he sat with his friends. "That is my REAL mom!" And without a single word uttered to define what he meant by "real", the simple point of a finger made it clear to everyone in the room.
"Real" mom- probably the best title I've ever held.
Until next time,
angie
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