Rainbows and Smiles

Today has been a really tough day, it followed another very tough night.  Probably the worst night and morning so far..  I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but I have a feeling I'm going to.  Today was so tough that Jarrett decided it was best if he didn't go into work, but stayed home to be with me.  I am a wreck and I just realized it was two months ago today my water broke, sending me into this hard reality we live in.

I sat home most of the day just thinking.  Searching for a way to move forward, to pick up myself.  I struggled.

Throughout the day I wondered, will I ever feel happiness again.

And then I got this...

It was from Melanie and I recognized the view immediately.  I had stared out that window many days and even in the middle of the night.  The view from Pod D at my favorite hospital.  Melanie said, "Saw this on my way to work this morning, thought of you and knew you'd appreciate it.  It was raining on my drive in.  Thinking of you.  Love you.  

Then this afternoon, I felt the storm moving in and wanted to feel it turn into a good powerful desert monsoon.  It meant the hope for possible rainbows.  I sat outside and waited.  I've been sitting outside for the past hour plus and so far I haven't seen a single rainbow with my own eyes.  

And then, all of a sudden my phone started beeping over and over and over.  Text message after message flowed in from friends across this valley...

From Lauren, my friend and Noah's nurse... No caption needed.

And then from my friend Kourtney...

She said, "If Arizona breaks rainfall records, I will attribute it to Noah.  Rainbows and blessings!"

I smiled.  And another message came through...

 It turned into a fun one shortly after I sent it.  I've never seen a full one out here before.  So special.

I smiled.

And then, Trudi... "Driving to the baseball game and look what is joining us on our ride.  Thinking of Noah"

 and then this... after I sent her a note to say thank you.  She replied, "I will forever think of precious Noah when I see a rainbow."

I smiled, again.

My friend Amy, who is having a baby in a few weeks.  She said, "On my way home from the doctor and I got to see Noah!  A beautiful perfect rainbow!"

followed by this...

Pulling into my driveway and he showed up again.  Another rainbow completely different part of the valley.  So crazy... that sneaky little Noah is everywhere today!

And I smiled.  He's making sure she got home safely I thought.

And my friend Margaret, seconds later, "I just saw this driving in Phoenix and it made me think of you and Noah"

The smile remained.

And then from my friend Jane who lives just down the street...

 "Look outside, Noah's saying hello!"

Isn't this beautiful?  

I ran from my backyard through the house as my phone beeped again.,.

My aunt Anita..."Love from little Noah."

I ran out the front door, screaming to everyone in the house as I ran by.

I raced outside and searched the sky... I reached my front driveway and there it was....

Finally, the rainbow seen with my own eyes.  And the tears flowed...and a smile returned.

I couldn't take my eyes off of it.  The kids and Jarrett followed behind me and all five of us stood outside and watched it until the rainbow faded away.  For the first time in a long time, I felt Noah.  I felt it was him telling me it was okay.  

I had been sitting outside for more than an hour and the signs from my son came from so many others before I saw it with my own eyes.  As my phone beeped over and over again, I smiled because I read into it a deeper meaning.  

I've felt so alone lately in this journey.  I feel it is just Jarrett and I traveling alone and some days, the grief feels just too much. With message after message rolling in, I read it as a sign from above telling me, we are not alone.  Almost as if Noah was saying, "Mom, I'm okay.  I know you feel alone but you are not.  I'm okay.  Mom, look at how many people care about you.  Look at how many people are thinking of us."  I smiled and thought, You're right Noah.

And the messages with the beautiful pictures continue.  I feel like I'm being embraced with hug after hug.  I feel love.  I haven't felt love in this way, for weeks,  I thought I forgot what it feels like.  

The moments of deep deep sadness are so abundant in this journey, that I sometimes fear I'll never find the strength, courage or hope to try and save myself from the crater I reside.  But today, in these moments, I feel like you've helped me to start the climb up the side.

Thank you for sending me rainbows of hope from my son.  Thank you for sharing with me that you care, that you think of him when you see a rainbow.  Today you've made me smile.  It was the first time all day, and I'm so thankful.  So so thankful.

I miss you Noah and I'll love you forever.

Until next time,

Angie