Don't give up: a bracelet from Noah James

After pouring my heart out on here last night, I was nervous what people would think, if I'd come off sounding ungrateful, and if those who read this would be upset with me at how I'm feeling.  And just as so many of you have been from day 1, the text messages, the emails, the comments on here, came in and supported me.  You helped to pick me back up, when I felt too sad to do it for myself.  I am deeply grateful and appreciative for your support and for being understanding that I feel so destroyed.
Last night before bed, Jarrett and I talked about Noah.  I watched all the videos we had taken in his short life, and shared them with Jarrett.  In the midst of all the chaos, stress, loving on Noah every minute and second we could, Jarrett and I had not had the time to share the pictures and videos we had taken during those 12 days.  Seeing Noah move, seeing him wave his arms, reach up with his hands, breath over the machines that were helping to sustain him... they all reminded us just what a fighter and how strong he was.  We could tell in those movies he wanted to be with us as much as we wanted him to stay.  It was the first time I had watched a movie from his time in probably three weeks, and after watching them, I once again felt a bit closer to him.  It reminded me that while he feels so far away, he was real, as perfect as a newborn baby could be, just so tiny.  But as tiny as he was, the love he shared, the power of kindness he added into this world, massive.

Before I turned off the light for the night, I checked my email one last time.  Yesterday morning, well I guess it was in the middle of the night, I sat in our driveway and wrote an email to our pastor. My email laid out how I was feeling...
  
> On Aug 4, 2015, at 4:23 AM, Angela Haskovec wrote:
> 
> Good morning Pastor Troy,
> I hope you are well. 
> 
> I wanted to reach out to ask you a few questions if you don't mind please. I've struggled the last few weeks to come up with an understanding as to why we've had to endure such a loss and unable to come up with anything, I turn to you for help please. 
> 
> In the days and weeks following Noah's death, I had hope and faith that God was there for us, that he was going to show us the way through. But now, I sadly share that all that hope is gone. I don't know how, nor do I really want to move forward in a world that has moved on without my son. How does one find hope and faith in Him again when it seems all hope is lost?
> 
> Also I'm trying to find understanding for why God took our son and yet he lets babies born into homes exposed to drugs and violence and even worse go home. I myself witnessed babies coming into the Nicu and going home from the Nicu that were drug exposed  We preciously took care of Noah everyday we had him and he was the answer to our greatest and longest prayer. I am 100% confident we would have given Noah a wonderful life and taught him to follow Gods teachings. I struggle with understanding how this makes sense when everyday I think about that baby that lived near Noah for so many days coming off those terrible drugs his mother took. Why would God do this?  What sense does it make?  Can you please help me understand. 
> 
> Finally, I struggle with wondering if God taking Noah is because of something I did in my life to deserve such pain and torture. Have I committed some great level of sin that means I deserve to life like this day after day for the rest of my life?  I feel guilty for what has happened, that it is my fault.  I am far far from perfect, but I feel I have lived a Christian life and tried to always follow Gods will.  Why does God do stuff like this to his followers.?  
> 
> Pastor I understand these are some very difficult questions and I hope you have some answers. I feel very abandoned by God. I am sorry to ask for help when I know you are very busy, but I seek understanding to help me see again that our God is good. 
> 
> Thank you,
> Angie 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone

All day long I wondered how my email came across.  I had basically took the deepest emotions I have felt but kept hidden inside and threw them out into an email and sent them to our pastor, God's leader of our church. It felt risky, but after running alone in the dark at 3 in the morning, I guess I was in a risky mood.  Before bed, I saw his reply email pop into my inbox.  I opened it right away...

Angie,

Sorry to take so long in getting back to you, but I did not want to just fire something quick off during the day.  I can not imagine the pain and hurt that you must be feeling, but I can also say that the emotions you are feeling and the questions that seem to be plaguing you are common for people that have had to endure similar tragedies in their lives.  I know that I don’t have the answers to everything you are struggling with, but I hope that I can be part of a healing and restoring process for you from God.  

First off, please know that God is not punishing you for something.  This is a normal feeling as we try to understand why something bad has happened.  We live in a world of consequences, so when there is tragedy, our natural feeling is that there has to be a cause - sometimes there just isn’t.  The fact is, we live in a fallen and sinful world.  Going all the way back to Genesis, we see God’s perfect creation corrupted by sin.  Because of sin, there is death, sickness, tragedy, etc.  We live under the consequence of sin until Jesus comes again.  The hope we have as Christians helps us to see beyond our temporary suffering to the eternity we have by faith.

A common struggle we have is why do bad things happen to good people and why do good things happen to bad people.  For us, this doesn’t seem to add up.  Your example of the baby who was able to go home, while your Noah never had the opportunity is a perfect example of this common struggle.  I would encourage you to change your way of thinking about it.  It’s not that bad things happen to good or bad people, the reality is simply that bad things happen.  It is a hard reality, but it is the reality that we struggle through in this world.  Our relationship with God does not ensure that bad things won’t happen to us - it changes our perspective on how we can deal with them when they do - and even then it can be extremely trying as I am sure you can attest to.

Please know that I truly hurt for you and for Jarrett.  You have had to endure something that no parent should ever have to and I wish that there was some way that I could take the pain away.  My prayer for you is that you will be able to move forward from this.  You mentioned that you are having a hard time moving forward in a world that has moved on without your son.  I would challenge you to consider moving forward in a world that is moving on with your son.  While he is no longer here in person, even in his short days on earth he left his mark on those blessed to have known him.  I know that my life was impacted by your son and I know that he had an impact on many others.  His time was cut far too short, but he will live on in the lives of those who were impacted by him and by his story.

I hope this email can help in some way.  I am available to talk more if you think it would help and I also know of a great christian counselor who has helped others work through similar hardship.  I will continue to keep you and Jarrett in my prayers and that God would restore and strengthen your hope and faith in the days, weeks and months ahead.

Pastor Troy 
I read Pastor Troy's email and felt my throat growing tight and the tears welling up.  I knew what he had said was right and it was what I guess I needed to hear.  Jarrett was standing at the end of the bed and I read Pastor Troy's message to him.  We both cried.  While Jarrett's faith has never faltered, mine has.  Reading his note made me feel better.  While I'll never be okay with the fact that God gets to hold my son in his arms instead of mine, they were answers I haven't been able to find on my own.  For the time being, they provided me some comfort.  It was another act of kindness shared with me. 

And that's what I felt going to sleep last night, woke up to this morning and continued to feel throughout the day.  The feeling grew with a package that came in the mail.  Jarrett got the mail and brought it to me.  It was addressed to me and came from Ontario, Canada.  I wondered who it was from.  I opened up the package, found a small drawstring bag, a certificate of authenticity and nothing else.  No note, no card of who it was from just the bag and the paper.  I pulled open the drawstring bag and poured out into my hand a beautiful charm bracelet with two pearl beads and a silver charm. I flipped the charm over and read, "Love always, Noah James"  It is beautiful.  Immediately I felt in my heart, it was a message from Noah, but I couldn't help but wonder who was the messenger who helped Noah get it to me.

I looked through the package again, at the return address label, at the certificate of authenticity... nothing.  Not a single clue, I thought, how will I ever get to thank the person who sent this to me for my son.  I do not know any other way, than to say thank you here.  The gift you have shared with me, makes me feel closer to Noah.  I never got to hear Noah tell me he loved me, until this beautiful bracelet arrived in the mail.  Now, when I feel sad, I can simply look down and see the words... Love always, Noah James.  I am so grateful and have felt comfort because of your gift.  Thank you.

I woke up this morning and went through our normal schedule of a run (this time not at 3:20 a.m.), got the kids ready to school, dropped them off and instead of going to work, I got to go to breakfast with my new, dearest friend Melanie.  I hadn't seen her in several weeks but she has reached out to me a couple of times coincidentally on some of my toughest days, and we made a date to get together.  Still feeling pretty weak in spirit, I wondered if she would be able to sense it, or be able to tell in my eyes, I haven't slept well in quite some time.  Within seconds of seeing her, it was like we hadn't been apart at all.  There's just an instant connection, our hearts grew together in that NICU, pod 50 and its only gotten stronger.  We talked and talked and just like friends who have known each other for a lifetime and can't get any secrets passed, Melanie called me out on every one of my attempts to appear like I'm "okay".  Of course she did it in total Melanie fashion, with kindness, sincerity and love.  She opened up her heart to me, shared her advice and told me that I can get through this.  She gave me a beautiful coffee mug to fill with caffeine for those mornings when I don't sleep, and she shared her honest advice about how she is concerned.  During breakfast she turned to her purse, pulled out a small wallet card and said, "Angie, at one point in my life,when I was going through a really hard time, I bought myself this card and kept it in my room so I could see and read it every morning.  It gave me the strength to keep going until I found joy in my life again."  She said, "Angie, I want to give this card to you, and I want you to keep it until you've found joy in life again."  She grabbed my hand and together we read the card...

We read it and I fought back tears, but flow they did.  I wiped them into my napkin.  She held my hand and said, " You will make it through this time."  and it was the first time in weeks, I found hope to believe what I was hearing.

I told Melanie I was going to go home and put it on my bathroom mirror, the mirror I stand in front of each morning.  I told her I will read it, I will listen to it and think of her.  And I'll do that until the day I wake up and feel again the feeling I've lost currently... the feeling of joy.

Three hours after meeting, even though it seemed like it could have only been 15 minutes, I walked out of that restaurant feeling like my heart healed a tiny bit.  The trauma wound had been cleaned out and medicine applied.  I hugged Melanie, told her I would be in touch soon, and with her embrace, I felt that protective bandage applied until the next time.  She has played such an important part in this journey.  Some people come into your lives for a reason... having Melanie come into ours, the impact she's made on me, on my heart, in my life... more than significant.  I texted her before driving away.  I said, "I lost my son, but God gave me the very best angel on this earth, and that my friend is you.  Thank you for making me feel joy and inspiring me to keep trying.  I love you.  Thanks again." 

And I truly felt those words.  Noah brought together Melanie and my lives and he will forever be the bond that connected our two souls.  In those 12 days he never said a word, he didn't purposely do it, but over that bed, two strangers grew to become family.  God did take my son and while I'll never be okay with that, he did give me the gift in a wonderfully beautiful lady named Melanie.

On my drive home, it was the first time since San Diego that I could think of what I wanted to do on October 3 for Noah's Day and I felt energized to start planning again.  In the days prior I couldn't bring myself to think about it. I have many ideas running through my mind and I hope to share early next week so those who have saved the date and would like to join in, can start to figure out how you can be a part to.  I hope many will join us, I hope his memory will leave a lasting impact across this country.  More information coming soon.

I got home just in time for the boys to get off the bus and I told myself I was going to spend quality time with them.  Lately when they see me crying or upset, they seem to find a quiet activity to keep them busy or I disappear into a different room.  We sat and talked in the living room and after they did some of their homework, we went to run errands.  Some of the best conversations the boys and I have are in the car, so I like to take advantage of those moments now.  We talked about what happened at school, they shared what current song or dance action is really cool (personally I don't understand it at all) and they asked if they could get a few of the needed school supplies we hadn't picked up before.  So we did.   Then we got Isabelle and came home so the four of us could go swimming.  I watched the boys swim laps, served as a judge for their cannon ball competition and was in awe of  how great of a swimmer Isabelle has become this summer.  The summer I've been, well, absent.  While I've been so focused on Noah, our time together, our now loss, my other children are growing up in front of me.  I've been here at home the last few weeks, but I really haven't been present.  I told myself to spend more afternoons like this.

Throughout the afternoon several friends checked in on me, told me they were here to listen, some shared feelings they've had when heartache has made its way into their lives, and many reassured me its okay to feel the way I do.  The messages help me so much, like tiny amounts of medication to apply to my grotesque wound. Thank you all for your support.

And tonight, as I sit here typing, my friend Sandy stopped by with a gift bag and inside a book I hope will give me some answers to my constant question of "Why."  The book, "When Bad Things Happen To Good People"  I've never read it, but heard the title many times.  On the back it says, "Provocative and comforting answers to the universal question: Why me?"  I look forward to reading and hopefully finding answers.  As Sandy left and I sat down to keep writing, I realized just how blessed I am.  She had read my blog, thought of her book and took the steps to come and bring it to me.  Sandy, I'm so  thankful. 

 In thinking about all the kind acts so many of you have done, I sit here tonight and relive the thousands of gifts you've shared with me.  From encouraging words, to cards, pictures of rainbows, meals, gift in his honor... I could go on and on.  Actually just sitting here writing, my sister's friend just sent me this beautiful poem...

A poem she sent which arrived a minute after I returned to the house after being called outside to look at the beautiful clouds during tonight's sunset.   

And it in those moments, when you reach out, you share love and comfort with me, that I am reminded, I have to go on.  I have to keep trying, and that I am truly blessed to be cared about by so many.  So thank you.  Thank you for having faith in me, for showing me hope when I feel so hopeless.  

So tonight I feel I can sleep well, that my wound care for the day has taken place and that I can keep walking down this terribly difficult road.  Thank you to my family and friends for giving me the support I asked for last night.  Thank you for picking me up and telling me I can do this.  Thank you for reminding me, I can't give up.  I have to keep trying.

Until next time,

Angie