I stated then that kids are kids and for the most part our kids seem to be functioning pretty well. It wasn't until this week that I started to notice, that they are struggling too... in their own way.
I admit, I thought Isabelle would be the least affected by the loss of her little brother. She's only three and I thought, she won't even remember him. Just give her a few weeks and she might not even remember this whole heart breaking experience. But I learned I was far from right. I was terribly wrong. Of all the kids, Isabelle mentions Noah the most. He continues to be the first name she asks for in the morning and talks about him many times a day. This morning she woke up and asked, "Where's my baby Noah?" I simply say, "Honey, he's in Heaven." To which she usually replies, "I want my baby Noah?" It breaks my heart over and over hearing her say it. I find myself responding, "Honey, I want him too."
Recently Isabelle returned to school for the first time in about 6 weeks. She was excited for school, I think she longed for a routine even though she didn't know it, and I think she wanted some sense of normalcy. When I picked her up from school each day she has asked me the same question, "Mommy, where's Noah?" He must be on her mind as often as he's on mine. I repeat the same answers I say in the morning. The last two days when we get home, Isabelle starts crying. Usually it is Michael that has caused her to cry... they are like oil and water. But when I go to the room that she has been in, I find her by herself. What's wrong I ask. "I want Baby Noah." Today I picked her up, held her in my arms, she put her head on my shoulder and repeated over and over, "I want my Baby Noah." It took everything I had in me not to cry along side her. I rubbed her back and said, "Honey, I'm sorry, I do too." After a few minutes she asks me to play Baby Noah's song.
Silly enough, the song Isabelle has renamed baby Noah's song is that current popular song by Walk the Moon. We've renamed it "Stand up and Dance" because we don't like the other words. Isabelle loves that song and when it plays she said, "Mommy, come dance with Noah." She shakes her booty and sings along shouting, "STAND UP AND DANCE WITH ME" While not the typical song I'd pick to think of her brother, as I watch her dance and sing along, its hard not to smile. And smiling makes me think of Noah... I think he'd be happy if we smile more.
And then there's Michael. He's our 1000 questions kid. He thinks of the most random question and asks it out of the blue. Mom, did Noah die because he was born too early? Mom, did Noah look like Grandpa Chip? Mom, do you think Noah had one blue eye and one brown eye, like he had one of your ears and one of dad's? Yes, the most random questions, but I can tell he's been processing everything that has happened.
The other aspect I see more in Michael than I've seen in a long time is how affectionate he is. He comes up to me the first thing in the morning, hugs me and says, "I love you mom" It's followed by several more times during the day.. "I love you." Yesterday after we had ran some errands and were walking into the house from the garage he said, "Mom, thanks for choosing me." I looked at him, not quite sure what he said, and he continued, "Mom, I'm thankful to be in our family. Thanks for picking me." I'm not sure if its him putting together this whole difference now between adoption and pregnancy, or what it was. I told him we are thankful he is in our family. Its true he's hurting too and seeking out more hugs or sharing more "I love you's" hopefully helps him to feel comfort during this horrible time.
And then there's Gabriel. My always active, constant athlete and the responsible one of the kids. He's taken on a new quality as well... quiet. Gabriel, while never has asked questions like Michael or felt the need to talk non-stop, has basically stopped talking. He spends so much of his time just quiet. I notice it in the car a lot. I look back at him in the rear view mirror and seem to always find his head tilted against the window, looking out into the sky and in deep thought. I'm not sure what he's thinking, but I try to ask. "Gabriel, what are you doing?" "I don't know." he responds. I pry a bit more, "Gabriel what are you thinking about?" "Nothing Mom" I know he's lying but I try to go about it a different way. ""Boys, what do you think we should do in October to honor Noah?" "Michael immediately starts asking 100 questions about October, what I mean, and all the ways he thinks we can honor him. Gabriel continues to stare out the window not deterred from his deep thoughts. So, after Michael stops, I ask Gabriel what he thinks. "I don't know mom." So I throw out a few ideas of my own, what do you guys think? Michael responds and says, "I think its a good idea and Gabriel says, "Sure mom."
Its those three, or four, sometimes two word answers with no follow up that make me worry about him. In Gabriel's life he has been the protector, the care provider... its what he was forced to do when he was a little boy in having to take care of his brother. In seeing his mother and father fall apart, I've seen Gabriel step back into that role. My friend Stacey said she could see it just by looking at the picture of us when I was first in the hospital. The way he stood, the caring arm over me, the holding of my hand... to protect me from any harm.
And so I worry about them. I want them to be able to live a happy childhood without the burden that grief bears. I know they see me devastated, they see Dad hurting and beyond words when his eyes well up and they see just how hard this is for everyone of us.
The kids struggle in their own way and while they are able to go off and play, to have fun and to still find the joy in life (one of the joys of being a kid right), they too are hurting. We all are.
Its a hard hard road we are on. The kids trying to understand what it means when I say their brother is in Heaven (Isabelle), trying to find an answer to why he had to be born so early and if he would be alive if he were to be born today (Michael), or not asking a single question, not talking at all (Gabriel). In the midst of the horrible anguish Jarrett and I feel, we try to be mindful of how they are and how we need to be there to support them.
On Monday, the kids started school and while I felt the least prepared in all the years of taking them, I think we all welcomed a fresh start and a new year. It brought with it hard questions from friends we hadn't seen since the end of school when we were still expecting. Michael addressed the question from the bus driver when he got off the bus and was asked when his baby brother or sister was going to arrive. I stood right inside the house and listened (again a prisoner in my own home). Michael said, "My brother was born this summer, but he died and my mom doesn't want to come outside to talk about it. She's really sad." I could tell Mrs. Matt felt sad and didn't know what else to say. I tried to race out of the house to address what Michael had shared but only got out the door in time to force a smile and wave as he drove away.
I think the kids see Noah's loss in black and white, especially Michael and Isabelle. Gabriel more aware of the harshness life can bring and the depth of the loss we've experienced. But they see it as a thing that happened and we can't change it so accept it and move on to the next thing in front of them.
The loss of their brother is going to be a part of our lives forever. I know their grief will probably change over time, just as I hope Jarrett's and mine does too. Until then we try to do the best we can each day. To tell each other how much we love and are thankful for them.
Its a hard road. Its a very difficult journey. Not only for dad and I but also for the kids.
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| First day of school 2015. I seriously took 12 pictures and every time I told Isabelle to smile pretty and NOT stick out her tongue, she'd do exactly what I told her not to. So this is what we went with. |
Angie
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