6 Months... Merry Christmas in Heaven.

Noah, the minute I woke up my first thought was that today you would have been six months.  Maybe that's why I didn't sleep well last night, that my mind wouldn't turn off, that I couldn't seem to settle.  Not having you in my arms is still a daily heartache I face, from sunrise (or before) until well after sunset.  Maybe that's just the way life will be from now on, I don't know.

I wonder so much what you would be like, if we'd be home from the hospital for our first Christmas, if your light hair would have turned darker and how much you would have grown. Christmas seems to have lost some of its magic for me, I guess that's because part of my heart (this heart that loves Christmas so much) is no longer here with me, but up in Heaven with you.  I miss you so much and my eyes well with tears just at the thought of you.

But I've tried to keep going, to try and put our lives back together since you left us, I've tried so hard to wake up and find a reason to put one foot in front of the other.  It has been the hardest thing I've ever done, and I suppose will continue to do.

I've been terrible at recording it here, there has been so much that has happened these last six months.  Even though I wanted time to stop and forever relive those 12 days we had with you here, life goes on, time passes and we've continued to live.

Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle seem to have grown literally in front of my eyes overnight.  I feel guilty I haven't shared much about them lately on here, so much to celebrate and highlight in their lives, as yet each time I logged onto here, all I could do was pour my heart out about how I feel about you.  I guess its maybe because I can talk to them anytime I want, and somehow when I log onto this computer, its like its my time to talk directly to you.

Your big brothers have grown so much.  Just a few weeks ago we went to the doctor and learned Gabriel has grown three inches this past year and Michael isn't far behind with almost 2 3/4 inches.  Its no wonder their pants seem like high-waters on them.  Must be all those double lunches (literally) they've been eating.

This fall we decided to take a break in all our activities to just be a family and regroup.  It has been the best thing and its another blessing in the midst of sadness I am thankful for.  We probably would have never stopped the hectic schedule to just live.  It has been so good, and I don't think any of us miss the racing around with practices and games multiple times a week.  It has been nice to have regular family dinners around our dinner table, although I'd be lying to say I don't think about you every time we eat and how we are missing a chair (or highchair) for you.  Adding one more chair to our already too small family dinner table was suppose to be another fun part of welcoming you into our lives.

Gabriel has been thriving at school, taking on leadership positions and thriving in his studies.  We are thankful that he makes friends so easily, adapts to situations without too much difficulty and continues to be our big helper around the house... helping Isabelle in the mornings and caring for Jack.

Someday Gabriel will be a wonderful dad, he's caring and selfless (unless it comes to cereal- the kid eats a TON of cereal) and Noah, I know he would have loved to help take care of you.

You already know this as I talk to you most nights and ask you to ask God for help, but Michael has been struggling for reasons we can't be 100% sure, but fear its grief in missing you, and struggles from his life before us rearing their challenging heads.  While this year has been hard for all of us, Michael seems to have struggled the most.  Emotions running wild, behaviors not typical of him and sadness we see coming out in ways never seen before.  Grief counselors, families who've been in our same shoes, and even his pediatrician warned us we'd all get through this differently and in our own way, but some days, Jarrett and I feel helpless in how to best support him.  I guess that when we have to rely upon the experts to guide us.  We pray for him, that he finds comfort in how to get through these difficult days.  Between losing you, having his best friend move away two weeks later and going back to school a couple weeks after that, he's struggled and I want him to find happiness and peace again.

As much as this fall has been hard on Michael, the impact he makes in our family is wonderfully irreplaceable.  He reminds me its okay to be late, life doesn't always have to go the way I want it to go, and that smile and those eyes... those are just a few of the things that's going to take him many places.  

And then there's Isabelle.  Our endless bundle of bossiness, we can't imagine our lives without.  She's almost 4 going on 15 and she still runs our house.  From the first moment she wakes in the morning and slams her bedroom door on her way to ours, or the way she screams out for Mom or Dad to come to her in her bed, on those days it too cold to get out of hers.  Either way, she makes her presence known and no one in our house needs an alarm clock; maybe that's Isabelle trying to do her part for the family.

While the boys are growing so quickly and the ways of the world becoming clearer and clearer to them, Isabelle still lives in a world of wonder, amazement and the belief that anything is possible.  She talks about you daily and asks where you are a few times a week.

Christmas through the eyes of a child who lives in this reality, is really the best way to view the season and I'm so thankful she has reminded me of the joy Christmas can bring.  A few weeks ago, Nana, and Papa helped us to put up our Christmas decorations and I think they enjoyed the day as much as I did, thanks in part to Isabelle.  Faster than we could unpack the boxes of decorations, Isabelle had ripped through them, pulling out her favorites and placing them in various places around the house.  She'd put her decoration where she felt is most appropriate, step back to admire her work and with her hands on her hips say "That's perfect" or "Isn't that cute?"  I was dreading decorating for the holidays when my heart feels so many conflicting emotions, but having Isabelle around reminds me, its okay to be happy and miss you, all at the same time.

When I feel so sad Noah about missing you, I try to remind myself that these three beautiful children need me here now and I need to do my best to care for them.  Thinking back through the journey we went on to become their parents, I realize there must have been a greater plan at work, for us to get chosen to be their forever mom and dad, and when I realize all the pieces that had to play out perfectly for us to be together... I smile at the marvel this life has brought.

And then there's this guy...

No, not Gabriel or Michael, but the one in the middle holding up those two, now huge boys.  This has been a picture Dad has taken with the boys since our very first family picture 5 years ago.  We joke about how many more years he'll be able to pick both of them up, before they try holding up their dad.  As much as we laugh at Dad's grunting (he wouldn't tell you that) attempt to hold up two 75lb plus boys, this picture is an accurate reflection of exactly what your daddy has done for all of us these last six months.

Noah, as delicately as Daddy held you in your final hours here on earth, your daddy has been delicately holding all 5 of us still here these last difficult months too.  It's a weight I am not sure how he manages, but he does without complaint, no shared sign of the stress it must be.  Dad has been holding our family together for many years, but especially these last 6 months.  On days like today, when tears flow more than the rest, when the sadness of missing you becomes to hurtful to bear, he quietly embraces me, tells me he understands, and reminds me of all the blessings and reasons we must press ahead... he knows its what you would want to.

Its on days like today that I do not know how I'd ever be able to face this burden without him.  I'm thankful each and every moment that he's my partner in this life.  

So Noah, that's how we've been getting along.  Some days the road is easier than others, but all days you're constantly on my mind and in my heart.  This Christmas will be one of many emotions and I know not all of them will be joyous.  We've tried to honor and celebrate you as if you were here with us.  As you know, your momma loves Christmas trees, I think Daddy thinks it an addiction, and so when I asked him if we could add yet another Christmas tree this year, for you, he didn't hesitate in saying yes.  Everyone in our family gets a Christmas tree, and we of course couldn't leave out you.  When a friend and I were talking about how to decorate the tree for you, she suggested a rainbow tree and I couldn't have agreed on a more perfect theme.  So together, the family went to Michael's favorite store (Michael's) and together we picked out the decorations we wanted to adorn it.  I added twinkle lights (as you are the twinkle in the sky when we look up at night) and the colors of the rainbow, and complete with an angel on top made especially for us from Nana and Papa.  This tree has become my favorite in our house.  

Noah, your presents this year will not be wrapped in boxes with pretty bows, but we hope you know our gifts to you cannot be wrapped.  Our gifts this year to you, and every year in the future, will be sent to Heaven through prayers, wishes and love.  Your family loves you so very much, we miss you more and more each day, and we want you to know while you're not physically here, your part in our family will always be great and never forgotten.

All of us love you, all of us miss you and I hope you feel the love we send your way.  This year for Christmas, you want to know what your biggest brother asked Santa to bring him?  Besides the clothes and socks he really does need, he asked for a rainbow on Christmas Day.  Yes, straight from his heart, that's what he wants.  Noah, the impact you've had on our lives is ever-lasting, just like our love for you.

Merry Christmas in Heaven darling.  I hope you have a wonderful time spending your first Christmas with Jesus.  I can't imagine just how wonderful its going to be.

I love you forever, Mommy.