20-24 Weeks

A post from a LONG time ago.... when I was pregnant with Jennings. 

Its hard to believe I am in the final days of week 24.  As hard as it is to believe, I am filled with double the amount of gratitude to have gotten this far and to still have a healthy, thriving baby growing inside of me.

From day one of this journey, I vowed to approach this gift with full gratitude.  To be grateful for what ever we got... morning sickness, aches, pains but more so grateful for each day.  Each day when I got to experience pregnancy.  I've learned the hard way that every moment of this phase in life is a gift.  A gift I longed for many many years to have.  A gift I naively assumed would always end in a happy way when we found out we were expecting Noah, and a gift I now always fully understand just how lucky I am.

Whether we got 5 days, 6 weeks, 7 months, or 8 years or God willing a lifetime with this child, I was never going to expect or plan for the long haul, but instead live in this exact moment and soak it all up.  I thank my introduction into mindfulness for helping me see the gift in the present moment.  As a planner since I was young, it took me 30 plus years to realize the real gifts in life, aren't in the moment we plan or the moments we dream about, but the main gifts we get we are living right now, in this minute. 

Cute little legs.... Jarrett's been looking for clues of gender. I don't see any, do you? :-)

Maybe that's one of the reasons why the past 4 weeks have gone by so quickly.  For me weeks 20-24 in the past (and this time was no exception) was filled with a lot of anxiety, prayers and hopes to see each day pass with my water still in tact, with the kicking of the baby a gentle reminder that he or she is okay and than all is well.  I will forever fear my water breaking early and when I allow those moments of anxiety to flood my mind, I create a story where my water is sure to break again, because that's what happened with Noah.  And yet, this pregnancy is different.  Yes I still have contractions and I have to be mindful of my activity level, I keep it at a very minimum level and I take my medication religiously because I just know that's what I need to do.  But overall this pregnancy has been a dream.  

Honestly for the most part I feel really great.  This baby doesn't seem to mind or dislike very much food, I eat a lot, maybe its just that this baby is like me and likes food!  Overall I fell pretty good, I don't have the constant nausea I've had in the past.  Other than the normal aches and feeling already pretty darn big, I am feeling great. Again I think practicing mindfulness and knowing this is the last time I think I will experience this, has allowed me to find joy in the journey... all of it.

The kids are fully in the know now (finally Isabelle realized last weekend) and they are taking joy in the anticipation and hope we all have.  The boys have know for many weeks, and they have been helpful at helping me do things I'm not supposed to do.  

And then there's been Madelyn who seem to notice very early on that something was different and one night when we were saying our prayers, as we listed our family members, she said, "And God bless the baby in mommy's tummy."  She has prayed for the baby every night since. 

And then there is Isabelle.  She's so funny.  Often times she's in the bathroom combing her hair or brushing her teeth as I'm showering and you'd think she'd become aware of my changing body but she hasn't noticed at all.  That is until last Sunday when I put on a dress for church.  Getting more and more difficult to not look like I have a basketball under my shirt, Isabelle looked at me with a wildly excited grin and then said, "MOM- you have a baby in your tummy!"  I smiled back and laughingly said, "I do Isabelle."  I commented to Jarrett, well the secret is definitely going to be out not, thinking she'd start telling everyone she would see.  To my surprise she hasn't said one thing since and seemingly either forgot about it or doesn't really think it's that big of a deal.  God willing we get to bring the baby home, maybe she's just saving all her excitement for then.   

I go in weekly now for ultrasounds to make sure the baby's fluid levels are good and that the valve in the heart remains open, since I'm taking Motrin for the contractions.  So far things have been good.  I love getting to see the baby each week.  As much as I love seeing the cute legs, arms or even side shots of the baby, the first thing I always look for is that beating heart.  I will never take that gift for granted.  

 This beating heart rate is what I long to see each week.  

While overall things have been going really well, we did have one scare at the point of being 22 weeks and 6 days.  That night, it just happened to also be Michael's birthday and I guess I over did it with too much activity that day, but for some reason I kept getting contractions and they wouldn't subside.  I chugged water, I laid down, I tried showering which sometimes helps and no matter what they wouldn't stop.  After more than 2 hours of constant contractions I told Jarrett we needed to go in.  So many memories of the night we drove to the hospital with my water broken and Noah's impending arrival racing through my mind, I tried to remind myself not to compare.  These pregnancies are not the same.  

We arrived at the hospital and they got me check in.  They hooked me up to the monitor and asked me about my history.  As the nurse listened attentively she said, "Wow momma you could lead so many different support groups with what you've been through."  I laughed, "I guess I have my share of which ones to pick from huh?"  She then talked me through the options of what they would do, although I honestly knew the options already.  She said, "let's pray we can get them to stop so you can go home."  I told her that with Madelyn I had to get a shot of Terbutaline to stop contractions around the same time of pregnancy and that I hoped maybe this time around it could do the same thing. 

I stayed on the monitor for contractions while she hooked me up to check on the baby too.  The baby looked good thankfully.  The doctor on duty that night happened to be the same doctor I had gone to when I was expecting Noah.  I hadn't seen her since and I tried hard not to do any comparisons.  I know what happened wasn't her fault, but it was just too hard to go to her again after we lost Noah.  I hoped I wouldn't have to see her, and that she could just tell the nurse what I needed to hear. I'm sure she felt the same way about wanting to see me.  She ordered an ultrasound to see if my cervix had changed with the constant contractions and as the clocked ticked away they finally came to get me as I crossed another major milestone, I was now officially 23 weeks and 0 days, the same gestation when the waters broke with Noah.  Only this time I was thankfully in a quiet ultrasound room with a kind professional who took extra time with me and did her magic to get some good pictures of the baby.  I truly appreciated her kindness. 

After the ultrasound they confirmed the cervix looked good and ordered the shot of Terbutaline.  I felt the rush flowing into my body as she injected it but it didn't hurt.  So different than the weekly shots of progesterone I get in my hinny, yikes those shots feel like they are injecting honey in my veins.  Within 30 minutes I could feel my uterus calm down and my nerves at the same time.  A few hours later they released us and while it was the middle of the night, I couldn't wait to get home and back into our bed.  I prayed on the way home for many more weeks with this pumpkin inside.

Thankfully since then things have stayed quiet and boy am I happy about that.

Here are the pictures of the little nugget...

He or she (I'm leaning toward she) really loves to have their hands up in front of their face.

One moment when they put their hands down.

but not for long because it was only a moment later they brought their hands back up to start sucking on their fingers.  

I'm in love.

So grateful to be at 24 weeks and praying for many more.  But cherishing this present moment for it truly is a precious moment.  

Until next time,

Angie