30 weeks and 9 months...

This morning at church we sat behind a couple who had just recently welcomed their first child into the world, a son specifically.  It happened that the mother held her baby boy throughout the entire service and I sat right behind her.

Isabelle was fascinated with the precious baby boy.  He was maybe 3 months old at most and darling with a tiny amount of hair on the top of his head and a cute button nose.  I couldn't help it, the entire church service I watched his every move, I studied his eyes, his forehead and the way he tried to balance his heavy head on his little shoulders... I thought of Noah the entire time.

Today Noah would have been 9 months old.  This morning I woke up early, around 4:30 and couldn't go back to sleep.  I hadn't realized yet that it was the 13th but couldn't shake an uneasy feeling. I went to the bathroom, for the 8th time during the night, and as I washed my hands in the dimly lit bathroom, I asked myself..."What is bothering you?"  I couldn't put my finger on it.  I crawled back into bed, turned on the TV to distract myself and hoped I'd fall back asleep.  At 5:30, I was still awake watching the news when Isabelle came into our room and crawled in between Jarrett and me.  She immediately started talking, I wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep, so I turned on her show, "My Little Pony" turned on my side to keep my stomach away from her some times kicking legs and closed my eyes.

A few minutes later I had fallen back asleep.  In my dream I was preparing breakfast for my family.  All 7 of us.  It was a about a year from today and our baby girl was almost a year old.  Gabriel and Michael were arguing about what they wanted me to make for breakfast and Isabelle was tagging on my shirt begging to play the I-Pad.  I held our precious daughter and as went around the counter to pull out the pans to start cooking, Noah came toddling around the counter and greeted me with a smile and a "Hi Momma."  Life seemed very chaotic but I remember feeling pure joy in the craziness.
With the jab of an elbow in my back, Isabelle woke me up from my sleep.  I couldn't have even been dreaming for 10 minutes but the vividness of the dream seemed like it had been hours.  I got up and started to get ready for church.  Soon enough the feeling that had been bothering me in those early morning hours was back.

I got out of the shower, got dressed, quickly ate some Cheerios so I could take my morning pills and sat on the couch.  Jarrett asked me what was wrong and I told him I just felt sad.  By this point I new today was the 13th and why that nagging feeling of being unsettled was going to be my companion.

As much as I felt distracted today at church the message was totally applicable to how I was feeling.  The message was about pressing on, despite the challenges we face in this life.  I felt like Pastor Jerry was almost talking directly to us as he spoke about some of the greatest challenges one can face in this life, but he encouraged us to remember the greatest reward at the end of this life, is pure joy in Heaven when we leave this world behind.  I thought of Noah and gave thanks he never has to endure the pains and challenges of this world.

I tried for most of the day to keep myself occupied and to keep myself distracted.  Dad took Michael to the Renaissance Festival so it was just Gabriel, Isabelle and I at home.  Gabriel played with Harlen, our neighbor friend, and Isabelle was my shadow.  I decided to start working on a small thank you gift to share with the nurses and doctors who help us deliver our daughter in the coming weeks.  Going through the experience we did with Noah, I am truly grateful for the care, love and concern the doctors and nurses share with their patients.  Isabelle seemed to enjoy getting to have craft time with me as she made me several pictures with stickers and letters.  It was truly nice to have her company and made me so thankful I get to have this time with her before her youngest baby sibling joins our family.

Also this afternoon I received a text from my wonderfully supportive friend Sonya who also shared with me about the message she heard at church.  She shared that their church had had a guest speaker who had lost a child in a car accident within the past year.  This person talked about how some wounds are SO big that they can't be fixed, but rather carried.  She shared further that we are recognized by God with our wounds and the he's not interested in us being perfect, but accept us for who we are.  The guest speaker said that it is okay for us to be known by others through our wounds, our grief.  I found great comfort in her text message and I replied back to thank her for the encouraging words and for sharing with me.  I also said that the timing of her message was so perfect as today was one of those "harder" days.  While I hope my life is not fully defined by the grief that I carry or the wound that I fear will never fully heal, I do believe it is a VERY important part of me, one that I will forever be recognized by and one that I proudly carry, because it eternally connects me to my precious son.

Gabriel, Isabelle and I spent a great amount of time today outside in the sun.  I searched the sky for a sign from my son, I begged Noah, please let me know you are here with us.  I didn't see a rainbow, and I'm getting good at reminding myself, signs from Heaven don't come on my timeline.

As raw as the pain in missing Noah feels, it also seems like the days since he's passed have been long. I will never get over the sadness I feel in losing him, I long to feel his touch one more time, to watch his chest rise and fall with each breath and to kiss his forehead, if only for one more time.

The reality I live in tells me that in this life, I will never get to do that.  So I push down those feelings that create tears streaming down my face, and I try to smile at the feelings I'm experiencing inside my stomach at this moment.

Baby girl resting comfortably against her arm

Today marks the beginning of week 30.  Such a huge milestone, I feared I never would reach.  Baby girl seems to be growing and thriving and I continue to give great thanks for each moment we share.  She's starting to run out of room and some nights I feel like my stomach can't stretch any further, and yet, I pray it does.  I love to watch my stomach move on its own as she moves her hand across my belly, kicks her legs to one side and has the hick-ups.  It is in those moments that I feel such a rush of love, of joy, of gratitude that I get to experience this again.   I can't imagine loving her anymore and yet I know the minute my eyes see hers as she takes her first breath, my heart will grow again as my love for her multiplies.

She wasn't much for pictures of her face this week, but we did get a cute shot of her ear.

Oh and that heartburn I've been getting to experience, is in part due to the fact she's got a good amount of hair.  Who knew you could see hair on an ultrasound.  That white stuff in the center, yep that's her hair!- Dad's very excited about that!

The journey we are on is filled with so many opposite emotions.  How can I feel so much joy and love for this baby girl we pray we meet in 10 weeks, while at the same time mourning the time we are not getting to have with our son?  Never could I have dreamed my life story would be what it is today.  I guess I wouldn't have wanted to know, even if given the chance.  Each challenge, every celebration and every blessing I've gotten has shaped me into the person I am today.

At 30 weeks pregnant and 9 months in mourning, I press on.... with open wounds but countless blessings and the promise of hope in what's to come.

Until next time
angie

Following my dream...

This is a post I wrote back last September.  Afraid to share at the time, it serves now as a reminder to me of just how far we've come... and just how much farther we have to go.

September 10, 2015….

Another date etched into my memory and filed away as one of those “life changing moments.”  Today was the day we not only celebrated Dad’s accomplishment of being selected at one of the Phoenix Business Journal’s 40 Under 40, but I also found out,  life continues to give us blessings even amongst the deepest sorrow.

Today I learned we are expecting again. Unlike when I was pregnant with Noah and didn’t suspect, expect to add to our family, this time my body gave me signs right away.  Getting pregnant with Noah is probably one of the top five events that have happened in my life.  Up there with getting married and becoming a mom to Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle.  Losing Noah was the most difficult thing I have had to endure in this life and I will never be okay with what happened.  I am learning to live without him in my arms.  I am learning to live with him in my life in a different way.  I’m learning to love the sun rises, anticipate the sunsets and to search the sky daily for a sign of my precious baby.

Understanding what happened with Noah will never make full sense to me.  I have to learn instead how to search for the truths in what happened with having and losing him.  Jarrett and I have been seeing a grief counselor who is helping us to work through the loss of him.  I’m finding grief presents itself in so many different forms.  Our counselor, who sits across from us weekly, gives me inspiration and answers in how to go forward.  She herself has traveled down this path of losing a child… not once, not twice, not even three times.  Sadly, she is an expert at something no person should have to be an expert at.  She has lost 4 children, two twin girls at 24 weeks when her water broke, and her 18 month old son and 5 year old daughter from an accident.  The pain, grief and burden she must carry is beyond comprehensible, and yet she has found a way to live a good life (her exact words) without her children physically in her life.   Jarrett and I connected immediately with her, our life stories similar in many ways.  She too is a mother to an angel (4 of them), and is a Hodgkin’s Lymphoma survivor.  The first time we met with her, I sat there and explained to her that the only way I had found to be able to get up each morning and protect myself from getting hurt so badly again, was to never let myself have hope.  I had resigned myself to walking through this life, not anticipating the future, not hoping for certain things, but just dealing with the life I had in front of me.  I shared with her that getting pregnant with Noah, was the answer to the prayer I held the longest time in my whole life.  That I wanted nothing more than to be a mother and when I finally let that hope go, for my dream of being a mother came true from Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle, then God answered my prayers.  I continued, “After learning we were pregnant with Noah, I held my breath for many weeks, worried something would happen.  But then we made it through the first trimester and I finally exhaled.  I let everything fear go and jumped in, two feet, into the pool of hope, my full heart and let myself believe our fairytale was coming true. 

When our best dream turned into the worst nightmare on June 25^th I learned hope is only that… a dream of something you want, not always what you get.  So I protect myself… by not allowing myself to hope.  I stopped talking and waited for her to respond.  While I had only known her for less than 20 minutes, it was like I could see her life replaying in her eyes.  She too had lived the same feelings I currently have.  She too walked the same path I’m currently on, but somehow she found a way to live a life of hope and happiness again… and to be okay with the fact that living that life, means we risk losing it all.

Laurie explained to me that currently Jarrett and I sit in the waiting room of life.  Our life before that instant when Noah left us, is our life before.  Who we were then is no longer who we are now.  Our minds work in a way that what we learn from past experiences.  Our brain trains us how to make decisions going forward based on the past.  The people we were prior to June 25^th, believed it was okay to have hope, that even despite the greatest of odds, Noah was going to make it, that we were going to have a happy ending.  And then… he died. 

In that moment we changed.  Just as Noah’s presence in our life changed.  She shared with us, that while we are not okay with his death, we don’t have to like it, (actually I HATE it), we have to learn how to live with it as the truth.  She is showing me, showing us, how to do that.  She said, right now we are in the waiting room of life.  We have been traumatized by the experience of losing our miracle baby and we are unsure how to move forward in life, to find meaning, to find hope, to live a happy life again.  She used the analogy, pretend our entire family was swimming in the ocean and all of a sudden a shark attacked.  Each of you were attacked and everyone made it to the shore, except Noah.  You are all now sitting on the beach trying to recover and figure out what happened.  As we sit on the beach, she said, if I were to ask you the last place you’d want to go, where would that place be?  The answer was easy… obviously the ocean I said.  She walked over to me as I sat on the other couch, reached out her arm and said, “Angie, this is why you feel the way you do.  You don’t want to go out and live again the way you did prior to June 25.  No one would want to go through that shark attack again.  Its okay to not want to go into the ocean”  I cried.  She was exactly right.

And then she went back to her chair, sat down and said.  Does everyone who goes into the ocean get attacked by a shark, every time they go in?  I said no.  She then said, “Why do people love the beach and the ocean if there is a risk they could be attacked by a shark?”  I said because it’s beautiful and fun.  She paused and said, “Angie, the world around you is beautiful and fun, even now.  I’m gonna help you both to see it and to be able to take those steps back into the ocean.  I’ve done it myself and I can help you get there.  

And sitting next to the sink looking down at the pregnancy test near me, I realize, what Laurie said is right. Am I ready to wade back into the ocean and risk getting attacked by another shark?  Somedays yes, most days still no.  And ask scary as it is for me to think about letting myself have hope and risking it all to live life, I do know this.  I want to live a life full of happiness and fun.  I want a beautiful life again.  And part of that beautiful life will always involve my son Noah… in a very different way than I want, but still there he will be.  He has shown me beauty in things I never noticed before.  His beauty comes through the pictures of rainbows shared with me, through the acts of kindness so many of you participated in with us, through the hope of what our future now brings.

On the day of Noah’s funeral, one of my great friends waited to be the last one to come through the receiving line and she embraced me with her hug.  As we released, tears in our eyes, she looked at me and said, “I was talking to my mom the other night about Noah and why this had to happen.  She said, I keep asking God, why he would have given him to you only to take him away.” My weary eyes and forced smile replied, “Yahaira, I have asked myself that over and over.”  She grabbed my hand, and then she said, “Angie, my mom shared with me something I never thought of… what if Noah was sent to you to heal your body for future babies you may have?”  With my lips pressed together, I smiled holding back tears.  I too had never thought about that.

In the days, weeks and now months that have passed since Noah heart stopped beating, I’ve found my mind drifting back to what Yahaira shared.  What if? 

On Thursday afternoon I had debated if I should take the test.  Without going into too many personal details, I knew my sister's wedding was coming up in a week or so, and as silly as it sounds, I was curious... could I drink or not.  And I didn't know if my cycle would regularly return this close to having just been pregnant, but for some reason a voice in my head kept telling me to find out.  

It was that voice in my head that kept prodding me as I arrived home on Thursday afternoon.  I knew I had 30 minutes before the kids would get off the bus.  And I can’t explain it, but I almost felt like the voice was speaking out loud… take the test, its time to know.  In my mind, I felt it was Noah telling me to find out the answer.  I looked under the bathroom counter and the old tests reading positive still from Noah.  I can’t seem to throw them out.  To me, it’s evidence he was real.  I scavenged through the many supplies and realized we didn’t have any tests left.  Maybe I should wait, but then again I heard the voice telling me to take the test.  I jumped in the car and drove to the Wallgreens on the corner near our house.  I purchased a test, a wedding card for my sister’s wedding I was leaving for in 2 days, and some candy.  Still at 35 years old and married, I felt nervous buying a pregnancy test.  Ridiculous, I agree.

I got home and walking in the door I remembered I had just got peed before I jumped in the car.  Good thinking Ang… not really.  I found a small disposable container and sat down.  I put the test in and covered the tip.  It was dejavu going through this again.  I thought, I’m still supposed to be pregnant, how can I be taking another pregnancy test? I looked down as the urine filled the test window… right away I saw the line appear that indicates negative, and thought why did I let myself do this.  I stepped outside the toilet and started washing my hands.  That’s when I looked at the box that said, “Results in 2 minutes.”  Silly me, I hadn’t even waiting 15 seconds.  I finished washing my hands and peered back inside the restroom.  There it was… a positive.  I started shaking, I started crying… I looked up to praise God and him for giving me another chance at this.  I then, still starting up at the ceiling, said, “Thank you Noah… thank you for healing my body.” 

It was a miracle to get pregnant after 10 years of infertility, of many unsuccessful efforts, and when we conceived you, I thought my dreams were coming true.  While you left my arms at almost 26 weeks, I realize how, you still made my dream come true. 

Seeing the news that we are expecting again took me back to the beach conversation we had with Laurie.  I guess in a way we are wading back into the ocean with great fear, but also hope that we don't experience another shark attack. Our minds have taught us to be very learly of what is on the horizon.   That is normal, I think.  We both have agreed to take this pregnancy as a blessing each day by day.  We will be extremely cautious as we go through the next days, and weeks.  We won’t look forward to months ahead but to small victories each day brings.  And we have a team of medical professionals that support us as well.

They don’t know why my water broke at 23 weeks and why I went into labor so early.  There is no concrete evidence to say x happened which caused y.  We just don’t know.  And that makes things a little bit scarier, but also it means we have a team of doctors who will be extra vigilant in watching this baby and me. 

While I’m writing this on September 12, 2015, most of you will not read this until the end of 2015 or the beginning of 2016.  Where last time we thought we were safe sharing the news after the first trimester, this time we’ve decided to keep this news to ourselves, for as long as we possibly can. 

I pray that this story ends with a healthy baby in our arms to take home.

 I pray our fifth (can hardly believe I’m saying that) child will come home with us next May, but I prepare myself for each day ahead.  I do not know how this story will end.  We took a big risk and that means it could end as tragic as it did with Noah.  But I have to trust there is a plan for us, for this baby and that God will direct us through.

One day at a time… one step at a time.

That’s how I live my life now… but at least we’ve taken a step back into the ocean. 

Until next time,

Angie

28 Weeks: Live for today... dream of tomorrow.

The last time my mom was here, she took me to go maternity clothes shopping.  I really just wanted to get one more pair of work pants, but upon getting to the store I think Mom was excited to pick out a few more things.

When we first walked into Motherhood Maternity, up on the wall was a shirt that mom first saw.  It was a casual shirt with a pretty design and it read, "Live for today, dream of tomorrow."  Mom pointed it out to me and said, "that's a really neat shirt."  Upon my eyes seeing it and reading the saying, I was pretty determined that it was going to be coming home with me.  It turns out it was the last shirt in the store and I did end up bringing it home.

The saying on that shirt struck me the first time I saw it and every time since.  If there is a theme in this pregnancy, a tag line I could steal, that would be it.

For the last 200 days (give or take a few), my life has been focused on exactly that... Live for today... dream of tomorrow.

Living for today is the only way in those first months after Noah's death that we (I) could function.  There was no trying to plan for the future, look forward to what could be, or dream of what might come.  No, it was simply, live in this moment, focus on the reality in front of me, and do my best to get through each moment as it hit me.

The moment I learned we were pregnant again, I wanted to dream of tomorrow, of what it could feel like to watch a baby grow inside of me, to bring home a full-term baby into our lives and to feel more happiness than sadness.  So while only a tiny bit at first, I did dream of tomorrow with great reservation and concern.

As the days turned into weeks, the weeks into months and the first trimester, to the second and now the third, I find the message on that maternity shirt to speak louder and louder.  I still live for today, cherishing each moment I get with her squirming, tossing, kicking and punching inside of me.  For I'm even starting to feel like the days of getting to experience this are coming to a close, and not in a bad way of her coming too early.  I am actually starting to allow myself to believe that just maybe, in a world of answered prayers, that just maybe she will make her debut at full term.  As I allow myself to dream of that, I remind myself that what I experience now, will soon be over and that the dream I've always wanted of getting to experience pregnancy, will be coming to a close.  With that thought, I remind myself to cherish each and every moment.

I've also started to allow myself to celebrate in the dream of getting to bring baby girl home into our lives.  The survival rates increase each and everyday she stays inside, and while I know we are no where near out of the woods with complications related to premature birth, I allow myself to celebrate the victory of each passing day.

Tomorrow we will turn another page in this pregnancy journey and begin week 29.  Now officially into the third trimester, I am SO happy to be here.  Week 28 has been filled with blessings in so many ways, I think Jarrett and I honestly allowed ourselves to release a sigh of relief as we met this first milestone.   Not that we are ready to meet baby girl in person yet, we feel such great joy in just getting this far.

This week brought us another ultrasound, where our wonderful friend Marybeth, (she's been with us for several weeks now celebrating each milestone), measured baby girl, checked to make sure all her parts are still there and gave us an update on the amniotic fluid.  Marybeth (and the entire team at Valley Perinatal) has been so supportive, treating us like family from day one.  We truly feel cared about, and there's no price tag too great for how that has helped us.  We got to see baby girl in sections as she's now way to big to fit on the whole screen.  Where last week she was pretty cooperative in showing us her pretty face, this week she wasn't in the mood.  Thankfully Marybeth's an expert and was still able to get an adorable side profile shot and some other super cute photos for us to cherish.

 We knew this week would allow us to see just how big baby girl has grown.  She weighed 1lb, 13 oz at 23.5 weeks so we were hoping she was well over 2 lbs by this milestone.  Turns out baby girl is really enjoying all the food I've been consuming as we learned she's now 3 pounds, 2 ounces.  Jarrett and I were so glad to hear she's growing so well.  I might even admit, I had a moment in the middle of the night where I panicked thinking if we do make it to full term and she keeps growing at this rate, she could be over 9 pounds.  YIKES!

The other change that I've noticed this week is that my contractions have picked up again.  I'm not sure if it is normal at this point or if its just me and my hyperactive uterus.  When we talked with Dr. E. on Tuesday, he asked me about it and I told him that I was keeping track of how often they came one night and I had at least 4 strong ones in an hour. And last Saturday, I was having so many we almost went to the OB triage at the hospital as it was getting to the point where I was really worried.

She LOVES her hands in front of her face!  Look at those long fingers.

 While Dr. E was confident that I was not going into early labor he suggested we take a fetal fibronectin test to gain some reassurance.  I guess, prior to going into labor, a women's body releases a protein that acts as a glue during pregnancy to keep everything where it needs to be.  Towards the end of pregnancy, the fetal fibronectin starts breaking down and can be detected.  There is a test that can be performed to see if your body is releasing this protein, this an indication labor could be near.  If the test results come back negative, it means 99% chance that your body is NOT indicating you will go into labor within the next two weeks.  And even if the test comes back positive, it doesn't mean you will for sure deliver.  Dr. E. suggested we take it and Jarrett and I were completely on board.  We welcome all signs of reassurance throughout this pregnancy.  So Thursday I had the test done and got the call yesterday that my test came back negative!  Such great news!

In wrapping up week 28 and getting ready to begin week 29, I've found myself spending time reflecting and thinking about life and one's legacy.  As of late, I guess my bump has become more prevalent and people who didn't notice we are expecting, now can't miss it.  Just the other day, I picked up Isabelle from school and two of her preschool teachers, each at different points, said, "I didn't know you were expecting?"  And immediately after asking me that question asked, "Will this be your last child?" I smile, and simply respond... "We haven't looked that far ahead, right now we are focused on bringing home a healthy baby, that's our goal." That's honestly the truth. It isn't that Jarrett and I haven't talked about it, it isn't that we've said yes or no, its that we don't want to get ahead of ourselves.  Last time I was pregnant with Noah, I worried about what others thought... the fact that we would have 4 children and these days, people don't have 4 kids.  Last time when I told people we were pregnant, I was the one who immediately followed it up with, "this will be our last child."  See where those words got me.   Now we technically will have five children with our greatest hope getting to bring home baby girl.  When Jarrett and I first found out we were pregnant this time around, one of the first things he begged me was to not worry about what people would say or think... Lord knows there is enough judgement in this world alone in just our presidential political campaign mess, last thing I needed to think about is what others would think when we shared our newest news.  I'm glad Jarrett voiced his concern and normally I would have allowed other's opinions to influence or shape my response, but not this time.

This baby was like a gift directly from God when I, when we, needed it most. Last summer were my darkest days on this earth and I found myself pulling away from everything.  Life just didn't hold much appeal to me anymore, even with so many blessings all around.  I felt shattered, broken, too bad to be repaired.  The harder Jarrett tried to hold on, the weaker my will became.  And then, we found out we were pregnant again.  The moment I saw that positive line on the pregnancy test, I felt differently.  I knew in that moment, it wasn't just about me.  See in my mind, I had justified exactly how life could go if I wasn't actively around.  I figured out a plan so Dad would be okay, Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle would be fine and they wouldn't need some terribly depressed mother hindering their happiness.  But looking down at that stick and seeing a plus sign I realized, there was no one other than me who could care for this baby, who could take care of every need this tiny human inside of me needed, and if God put her inside of me, than there must be a reason I was still around here.  So day by day, minute by minute, I lived for her.  I lived to see her grow, to hear her heartbeat, to feel her move.  And slowly, very slowly, I started to feel myself come back to life.

I started to feel the will in my heart return, the joy in life slowly seep back in, and I started to see that Jarrett, my kids (all of them) still need me here.  When I say this baby has brought the life back to me, I mean it with every ounce of my body and hers.

The news of Joey Feeks passing this week at the young age of 40 has really struck me.  I've thought about how bravely she faced death, how she found comfort in going to be home with God and complete peace that she will not get to physically see her beautiful daughter grow up.  As sad as it is to see her pass, I can't help but think of the legacy she has left in this world and with her family.  I am sad for her family and what they have and will go through in the coming months and years.  And I sit her today, realizing just what a different place I am in today.  I want to live today.  I want to be there to watch my children grow and I want to celebrate all that this life brings us.

And with that I realize also what I want my legacy to be.  I want my legacy to be something I live and create each and everyday.  I don't need or want the nicest of things.  I don't have to see the ends of the earth or the great wonders of the world.  Because, if I look at my life, I truly feel like I've already got them.  I have the most amazing partner to share this life with, and I have the 5 most beautiful wonders in all of my world.  I may never be able to give my children a huge inheritance, a room of their own (my boy's beef as of late) or the latest and greatest expensive toys, but there is one thing I will always be proud to have given them.  I believe in the deepest part of my heart, that we've given them love, we've taught them to care for others, and we've shown them that to us, they are our world.

Here's to celebrating 28 weeks, to living for today, dreaming of tomorrow, and leaving a legacy along the way.

Until next time,
Angie  

He's 10!

This post comes way too many months late and with guilt that I didn’t’ get it posted back on November 5^th like I should have.  But I try to justify to myself he’s just as much 10 today as he was back then and in fact even more of a 10 year old today, now that he’s had a few months to adjust to his double digits.

 I’m talking about Gabriel and his birthday which was a few months ago. The reality is, I never posted about his birthday for a few reasons, mainly because I was super sick and didn’t feel much like writing.  Just like we tell the kids though, those are just excuses and no one really likes excuses so might as well just take responsibility and admit what you feel bad about.  So here is it. I am sorry Gabriel I didn’t post a birthday message to you back on November 5^th.  But here it is in March and I’m making up for lost time… or in this case, late posts.

Last November when you turned 10 I had to admit, I was a tiny bit in denial that you could be turning 10.  I mean seriously, in my mind you should be, 6, okay maybe 7 at the oldest.  But 10, my goodness, it’s just kind of hard for me to believe that you are closer to moving out and being an adult than you are that little 4 year old boy that stole my heart back in May of 2010.

  Maybe it’s because we didn’t get to spend the first 4 years of your life together that I always feel like I’m trying to catch up for lost time.  Or maybe it’s just the reality that I really don’t want you to grow up so quickly.  It’s probably all those things and many more.

But in front of my eyes you have grown up- both physically, emotionally and well in every way one can grow.  The truth is I feel like I’m looking at a future adult male when I look at you and as happy as I am to see the young pre-teen you are in front of me, it scares me to let you journey ahead into this next phase.  Maybe someday, when you have kids you’ll feel the same way.  But I feel like I want to keep you safe from all the dangers, the scares and the hard things that life brings as you get older, and yet it is my job to help you be as prepared as possible for what lies ahead.

I know you think I’m a hard mom.  I demand a lot, set high expectations and I’m always on you about something I want you to work on.  I do it only because I know what your potential is, I see all that you can and will achieve and I don’t want you to settle for anything less.  Gabriel, I’ve seen it in you from day one and I’ve gotten to watch as you’ve achieved already so many great things because Dad and I help push you, to challenge you in things we know you could do, even when you weren’t so sure.  What has been fun for Dad and I to see is the confidence in yourself grow where you are willing to take the risk, to put yourself out there, and to try to do things you don’t have to do.  Running for student council, volunteering to be a tour guide for your school and putting your entry into the competition for the Earth Day energy contest.  You decided to do all those things, we didn’t push you or tell you to try… you did it on your own.  It’s in those moments, Dad and I sit at night and talk about how proud we are of you pushing yourself to achieve something you want.

What also makes us proud is the wonderful helper you are to your sister.  Isabelle looks to you for guidance and support as well as her source of breakfast in the morning.  You willingly (okay sometimes with Dad and my push) to take on many helping roles as you get Isabelle breakfast, help her when she needs and with taking responsibility for Jack.  Dad and I come to trust that you will complete those tasks without extra reminders or any push back and for that we are very thankful. 

Gabriel, as you celebrate your double digit age, and look forward to adding on additional digits in the coming years, I ask you to remember this.  Always know in my eyes, I’ll forever see you as that little boy with the beautiful smile and those innocent melt-your-heart eyes.  No matter how big you grow, how many feet taller than me you are and how big your muscles get, I’ll see you as the little boy with the high-pitched voice who asked me daily “Can I stay with you forever?” and who told me on the very first day of meeting me, that I was your Mom.

  I’ll always see you as my first little boy.  With your brother, the greatest gift God gave me as he answered my prayer and made me a mom, even better… your mom. 

I feel like I'm looking at your future senior picture here.  While Mom "made" you smile for most of these, you wanted this pose. 

 No matter how big you get, always remember, I’ll love you forever.

  I’ll always push you to be better, but always be your cheerleader celebrating your victories and relishing in your completed goals. 

No matter how big you get, my baby you’ll always be.  

Happy 10^th birthday Gabriel. 

We love you forever,

Mom and Dad

27 weeks in the rearview mirror... what an emotional week

I sit here today filled with emotions that we have reached 28 weeks.  This was the first milestone our doctors talked with us about reaching way back when we began this pregnancy.  Of course it isn’t the end goal, or even the goal we are really shooting for, but still it is a big milestone in our minds.  Our baby has that much more chance of coming home with us, because I sit here today with her still moving around inside of me.  I am so so thankful.

Thinking back just 6 weeks ago, as I laid in a bed praying for God to keep her inside, I honestly worried, we would never get this far.  So thankful today. 

Today we have our weekly ultrasound where we will get to see how big little miss is.  I’m hoping she’s almost 3 pounds and that she’s filling out even more.  I know just about 4 weeks ago she was almost 2 pounds so I hope she’s added another pound.  I look so forward to the weekly ultrasounds, not only to see her, but the reassurance that the fluid level is okay, that my body isn’t dilating or indicating early labor and that baby girl is perfectly fine is just what I need to hear as we experience the mental challenge of being pregnant.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  The physical part of this pregnancy isn’t the hard part.  The most difficult aspect for me, is the mental part.  I only know what I’ve experienced, and sadly the “fear” character in my brain has been working overtime since day 1 of knowing about baby girl.  I try to keep her in check with the tools Laurie has imprinted into my mind…. At this exact moment, what is my truth?  With that mind frame I’m able to refocus, bring myself back to the reality I am in, and wipe clean the scary story fear has created in my mind. 

Speaking of Laurie, this past week, week 27 was an exhausting and emotional week.  It seemed many things were jammed into a few short days. On a day where I had to keep a post-it next to me with the schedule, I knew I was pushing myself more than I usually do.  Thankfully the following day, allowed me to lay around, exactly what my body dictates to me it needs. 

Last Wednesday, Jarrett and I went together to visit Laurie for the first time since the end of November.  We had been skyping with her over the phone while I laid in bed or on the couch.  For some reason, this past week, I felt it was time, I was okay enough, to venture up to see her in person.  Jarrett and I rode together.  On the way there, we talked about how we were so thankful baby girl was thriving at 27 weeks and how we felt maybe we could start spacing out our visits with Laurie.  We usually have one topic of conversation we focus on each time we talk with her and I asked him what we wanted to talk about this time.  He turned the question back around to me and I said, “You know I’m not really sure.”  We left the conversation at that, nothing decided.

When we arrived to visit with Laurie, we exchanged hugs and she welcomed us there, like we were her favorite old friends.  Maybe it’s just she’s that good at her job.  I believe it’s we have a connection, a bond among grief in losing children, that connects our souls together.  We started by talking about the baby and rejoiced in the fact we had made it this far.  She as she self-describes, as close to an OB as you can get without actually getting an OB medical licensed, asked me all my appointments, the status of several things related to the pregnancy and what the plan is for the next 4 weeks. 

After getting through those details, Laurie asked us how we are doing.  I don’t know if it is the couch, the warm, calming environment or just that she is THAT good at her job, but as soon as she asked, our emotions float right to the surface.  Jarrett started by telling her about a project we are working on as a part of Noah’s Kindness Project with our church.  Our church is in the process of building a new sanctuary as the congregation has outgrown our current one.  Jarrett came up with the idea of having a Noah’s Ark stained glass window made for the new nursery.  While we may never get to enjoy Noah with us here in person, we thought donating a colorful, stained glass Noah’s ark would be something beautiful the children could enjoy as they learn about that Bible story. As Jarrett started talking about our plan, his eyes began to water and he had a hard time finishing what he was saying. 

Like we seem to do for one another, I tried to pick up where he left off, so he could gather his emotions again.  I said, “Laurie, we feel such a deep desire to honor Noah and to continue to do work that creates his legacy since he’s not here to do it for himself.”  Then my emotions took over and Jarrett continued.  "We will always love Noah and just like we do things for Gabriel, Michael, Isabelle, and hopefully our new baby girl, we both feel we want to do stuff for him" Jarrett spoke.  Laurie paused to let him continue to share his feelings and how we still struggle with the grief in losing him and how we feel so strongly in our hearts to do everything and anything we can to make sure he is never forgotten. 

Several sobs later, lots of crumpled up tissues in hand and eyes puffy from tears, we both stopped talking.   Laurie said, “I completely understand your desire to honor him.  You do know though that he doesn’t need it?”  Her words were direct, not cold but truth.  Just how she has taught us to live.  Hearing her say it, I knew instantly she was right.  Noah doesn’t need a stained glass picture with his namesake on it.  He has everything he needs and more in Heaven.  Knowing the point she really was saying, I looked at Jarrett, he looked at me, and he said, “I guess we feel the need to do it for ourselves.”  She smiled, without a word spoken and nodded.  After a quiet pause she said, “Just like I”ve said from the beginning, this process is about being kind to yourself and doing what makes you feel good.  If it makes you feel good and closer to Noah to have a beautiful picture made for your church, than I say you do it."

I stayed quiet and Laurie looked over at Jarrett who obviously had other thoughts running through his mind.  He said, “Speaking of doing things that feel good, I want to talk about maybe taking down some of the large poster pictures we have of Noah in our house.”  Truthfully speaking, we have many reminders of Noah in our home.  We have so many wonderful gifts people shared with us and I have as many of them on display as we can.  After Noah was born and then passed, I needed to see his picture, memorials of his presence, every where I turned.  It was comforting to me when I couldn’t physically hold him, I could at least see him or be reminded he was (is) real.  And for several months those pictures filled a need, a great need I had, we had.  Through this process we’ve learned that grief changes and our needs in having Noah be a part of our lives continue to change too.  Hearing Jarrett talk about how the some of the specific photos from those last few hours of Noah's life, were now causing him to feel pain and sadness, made me hurt that I hadn’t recognized his feelings in needing to put them away.  Jarrett said, there are some great memories we have of Noah and our time together, but some of those pictures from the end are too hard for me to look at.  I sat quietly, reliving all 12 days of his life over in my mind.  As tears flowed down Jarrett’s face, he looked at me and I couldn’t help but return the look with a caring smile.  I said, “I was just thinking about the good memories…. Remember father’s day?  I could feel my eyes widening with happiness.  That was such a good day, we got to kiss him for the first time and got to take pictures with his ocelet open.

 Jarrett smiled back at me as we both sobbed further into our crumpled up Kleenex.  I reached for his hand and said, “We can take down any of the pictures or reminders that are too hard for you to see.” 

I looked back at Laurie and asked her, “We have so many beautiful things to honor and remember Noah, and as we prepare to bring this baby home, some of the places where we’ve kept Noah’s stuff is in the same place we would have to use for the baby girl.  What do we do? I just can’t get rid of it, I still want it.”  In that moment, I could tell my question hit Laurie not as a therapist, but as a mother, who too had lost her babies.  I saw the feeling of heartache go into her chest and appear on her face.  She paused and said, “Angie I will tell you, as a mother, what I did.”  Hearing Laurie share openly about what she did to save and preserve her babies gifts, memorials and treasures was so helpful as it gave me the permission I felt I didn’t have to be able to organize some of Noah’s things the same way.  The way she phrased it was, “You’re not getting rid of or tossing out, your simply reorganizing your life to find more peace.  It was what I, what Jarrett needed to hear.  She is really THAT good at her job.

Leaving Laurie’s office Jarrett and I felt yet another piece of the burden of grief lifted off our shoulders and we halfheartedly joked how we thought we didn’t have anything to talk about, when it turns out, there was so much. 

This past weekend, Jarrett and I attempted to reorganize our life and found the courage to take one more step forward in preparing for baby girl.   After Noah passed away, one of the hardest things for me was seeing his clothes, all the supplies and the blanekts that he would never get to wear.  As quickly as Jarrett could, he boxed up all of Noah’s belongings and put them in a container on a shelf in our bathroom.  For the past 8 months those boxes have been sitting there covered in a blanket above a saying on the wall that reads, "Everyday holds the possibility of a miracle."

For 8 months a blanket covered the reminders that were too hard for me to face. This past weekend, I asked Jarrett if he would bring the boxes down so I could go through them.  Sunday morning before church I found the courage to open the first box.  Inside that box was a treasure chest of adorable little boy clothes that Noah never got to wear.  So many cute outfits, “Mommy’s little helper”  or “Daddy’s #1 draft pick”  and “Handsome like Daddy.”  I pulled out each outfit, carefully examined the size of the outfit, the pictures or sayings on the chest and allowed myself to feel every bit of emotion in dreaming what Noah would have looked like in them.  Some outfits made me smile as I know he would have been so adorably handsome in them, and others the tears flowed freely…. I pressed the outfits up against my chest, wishing so much his little body would have miraculously filled in the empty space.  Jarrett was showering while I went through the first box, as I found some unisex onesis that we can use for baby girl.  I sorted the clothes and the ones that were definitely boyish, I placed back into the box. 

Jarrett got out of the shower and dressed for church.  He came to me on the side of the bed and I showed him some cute outfits I felt particularly drawn to.  Right away Jarrett’s eyes welled with tears.  He said, “Its so hard for me to look at these.”  I remembered our conversation from Laurie and decided to stop showing him anymore.  He had been so considerate before to hide them from me when it was too difficult, I didn’t want to put him through any other pain.  I let him return to getting ready for church while I tried to quickly sort through the rest of the items we could use for baby girl.  Soon there after, I asked him to take the box, now sealed shut again, and he replaced it back up on the ledge it has been resting upon. 

As much progress we had made in reorganizing, I think we both felt we had done enough for the next few weeks.

As we give such great thanks for making it to 28 weeks, week 27 was a week that had us focusing on the grief that is still so present in our hearts and minds. Baby girl is such a light for us when the dark days of grief appear and we are so thankful for the blessings we have in Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle; that keep us focused on the day to day in front of us.

For most women or couples experiencing pregnancy, the majority of the time it is such a joyous occasion.  While we have so much joy, we also have fear, sadness and the reality that so many things have to go perfectly right, to bring home a healthy baby.  As difficult as it is to carry that truth, I’m in a way thankful for the ever presence understanding that God’s perfection is so often displayed.  I just pray this baby girl and us getting to bring her home, is one of those examples of perfection God gives to us this time.

Until next time,

Angie

8 months... Do they look alike?

Last Thursday night, I laid in bed, unable to sleep.  While most nights, these days, I'm up for a couple of hours, this night it was worse.  My mind felt occupied, so many thoughts racing through my mind and no matter what I tried I couldn't quiet my thoughts.  And then it hit me why my I felt so unsettled.

All day long I knew it was the 25th but that night, like most around our house, life got crazy and then it was time for bed.  I fell asleep quickly but awoke an hour and 15 minutes, (bathroom break number 1 of many each night) and couldn't get back to sleep.

Fast forward several hours later, 6 episodes into The Office binge watch I'm on each night, I still couldn't fall back asleep.  I kept thinking about Noah and about this baby girl.  As always I wondered what Noah would have been doing if he were still with us, if my up-all-night routine would be because I'd be feeding him, or if he'd be a good sleeper like his daddy.  I wondered how he would have grown and changed looks and what his baby babble would sound like.  It is in those moments I find such happiness in day (or night) dreaming... the what if's, the I wish so much.

And soon thereafter, the reality sits in that I'll never know, never experience or get to find out what it was supposed to be like according to my life plan. It’s the heartache that floods my insides.  Oh how I miss him so much.

Laying there in the dim lite room, as The Office played on mute in the background, images of Noah, played actively in my mind.  At the same time baby girl awoke, and made her presence inside my belly known.  She rolled around and stretched, pushing her hand and foot out each side of my stomach.  I love feeling her move.  With each movement I’m reminded of the miracle happening inside of me and can't help but smile as I know, in this moment, she's okay.  Such peace I find through this still scary experience.

I started rubbing my stomach as if to say, "I feel you baby girl, Mommy loves you and hopes you are safe in there."  She'd respond back by stretching a bit farther, moving her hand across my belly.

I reached across the bed to my phone on the nightstand.  I started flipping through my pictures from the most recent ultrasound.  I wanted to see her face again. I stared at the picture, mesmerized with her features. Dad and I have been guessing whose features of whose she has.  In the middle of staring at her, I thought of Noah.  I flipped to my pictures of him, of those great times we had in the NICU and of how peaceful he looked in some of the pictures.  It reminded me of baby girl in her ultrasound photo... peaceful.

I went to the app on my phone that allowed me to compare pictures side by side.  Big brother and little sister next to one another...

Looking at both of them I realized they looked so much alike.  And looking at them I realized how much my heart loves both of them.  While I'll never get to hold Noah in this life and I haven't yet gotten to hold baby girl, my heart knows love for them in ways I've never felt before. Loving Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle came the moment I met them and has grown leaps and bounds in the time we've been a family.  With Noah and baby girl, my love came from the moment I learned of them, when they were just forming, before I "met" them.  The love I have for my children is both different and all the same.  I’ve realized that love spans beyond genetics, it can start at any moment, it grows beyond this world and it’s a feeling that grows for all of them with each passing day.

Losing Noah has been the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced and I’ve learned whether it’s been 1 hour since he left us or 8 months, the hurt doesn’t go away.  It changes, it morphs and adapts, just like we have in these past 8 months.  We are learning how to live in a life with sadness is missing him, gratefulness for what we have and hope for what’s to come.

Until next time,
Angie

Why this picture means so much...

A few months ago I changed the home picture on this blog to be this.

It was taken by Ashley who has not only become a friend but also our go to family photographer.  She is WONDERFUL and I tell everyone who asks me about pictures to contact her.  She is great!  When she first sent me this picture I loved it for many reasons.

1.       I think it captures our family in a natural state… Isabelle is usually the center of attention and it captures the boy’s interest in life.  Jarrett’s positioned in a way that shows his natural role… our greatest supporter.  Often in the background keeping the engine going, not getting credit where his credit is due. 

2.       And then there’s the rainbow in the upper right hand corner of the picture.  A constant reminder that while Noah isn’t physically with us, he is always there.  In a subtle but constant way, we are reminded that a bond doesn’t end when our time here on Earth does.

3.       The third reason why I like this picture so much is that while it looks like we are a family of five, the reality is, in this picture we are actually a family of 7.  At the time Ashley captured this picture, no one other than Jarrett and I knew that we were expecting our baby girl.  Notice now the long, loose fitting shirt-  that was purposeful.   When I look at this picture I am reminded of the heartache I feel in losing Noah who I love so much, but the joy the tiny life growing inside me brings… Like the saying about a rainbow baby… there is a rainbow of hope at the end of every storm.  In so many ways Noah and this baby girl represent hope.   I realize going forward there will always be a member of our family we will not be able to visually capture.  His sprit lives on in each of us, so I know he will be there.  And while this picture was taken a few months after his death, I can’t help but feel it is one of the few (if only) picture that captures a time in our life when we were caught in the crossroads of life as Noah’s was ending and baby girl’s just beginning.

To many it may look like a family of five with a faint rainbow in the background.  To me it is a picture of a family whose endured a lot, loves more and clings to hope for the greatness the future can hold.

Until next time,

Angie