Isabelle was fascinated with the precious baby boy. He was maybe 3 months old at most and darling with a tiny amount of hair on the top of his head and a cute button nose. I couldn't help it, the entire church service I watched his every move, I studied his eyes, his forehead and the way he tried to balance his heavy head on his little shoulders... I thought of Noah the entire time.
Today Noah would have been 9 months old. This morning I woke up early, around 4:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I hadn't realized yet that it was the 13th but couldn't shake an uneasy feeling. I went to the bathroom, for the 8th time during the night, and as I washed my hands in the dimly lit bathroom, I asked myself..."What is bothering you?" I couldn't put my finger on it. I crawled back into bed, turned on the TV to distract myself and hoped I'd fall back asleep. At 5:30, I was still awake watching the news when Isabelle came into our room and crawled in between Jarrett and me. She immediately started talking, I wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep, so I turned on her show, "My Little Pony" turned on my side to keep my stomach away from her some times kicking legs and closed my eyes.
A few minutes later I had fallen back asleep. In my dream I was preparing breakfast for my family. All 7 of us. It was a about a year from today and our baby girl was almost a year old. Gabriel and Michael were arguing about what they wanted me to make for breakfast and Isabelle was tagging on my shirt begging to play the I-Pad. I held our precious daughter and as went around the counter to pull out the pans to start cooking, Noah came toddling around the counter and greeted me with a smile and a "Hi Momma." Life seemed very chaotic but I remember feeling pure joy in the craziness.
With the jab of an elbow in my back, Isabelle woke me up from my sleep. I couldn't have even been dreaming for 10 minutes but the vividness of the dream seemed like it had been hours. I got up and started to get ready for church. Soon enough the feeling that had been bothering me in those early morning hours was back.
I got out of the shower, got dressed, quickly ate some Cheerios so I could take my morning pills and sat on the couch. Jarrett asked me what was wrong and I told him I just felt sad. By this point I new today was the 13th and why that nagging feeling of being unsettled was going to be my companion.
As much as I felt distracted today at church the message was totally applicable to how I was feeling. The message was about pressing on, despite the challenges we face in this life. I felt like Pastor Jerry was almost talking directly to us as he spoke about some of the greatest challenges one can face in this life, but he encouraged us to remember the greatest reward at the end of this life, is pure joy in Heaven when we leave this world behind. I thought of Noah and gave thanks he never has to endure the pains and challenges of this world.
I tried for most of the day to keep myself occupied and to keep myself distracted. Dad took Michael to the Renaissance Festival so it was just Gabriel, Isabelle and I at home. Gabriel played with Harlen, our neighbor friend, and Isabelle was my shadow. I decided to start working on a small thank you gift to share with the nurses and doctors who help us deliver our daughter in the coming weeks. Going through the experience we did with Noah, I am truly grateful for the care, love and concern the doctors and nurses share with their patients. Isabelle seemed to enjoy getting to have craft time with me as she made me several pictures with stickers and letters. It was truly nice to have her company and made me so thankful I get to have this time with her before her youngest baby sibling joins our family.
Also this afternoon I received a text from my wonderfully supportive friend Sonya who also shared with me about the message she heard at church. She shared that their church had had a guest speaker who had lost a child in a car accident within the past year. This person talked about how some wounds are SO big that they can't be fixed, but rather carried. She shared further that we are recognized by God with our wounds and the he's not interested in us being perfect, but accept us for who we are. The guest speaker said that it is okay for us to be known by others through our wounds, our grief. I found great comfort in her text message and I replied back to thank her for the encouraging words and for sharing with me. I also said that the timing of her message was so perfect as today was one of those "harder" days. While I hope my life is not fully defined by the grief that I carry or the wound that I fear will never fully heal, I do believe it is a VERY important part of me, one that I will forever be recognized by and one that I proudly carry, because it eternally connects me to my precious son.
Gabriel, Isabelle and I spent a great amount of time today outside in the sun. I searched the sky for a sign from my son, I begged Noah, please let me know you are here with us. I didn't see a rainbow, and I'm getting good at reminding myself, signs from Heaven don't come on my timeline.
As raw as the pain in missing Noah feels, it also seems like the days since he's passed have been long. I will never get over the sadness I feel in losing him, I long to feel his touch one more time, to watch his chest rise and fall with each breath and to kiss his forehead, if only for one more time.
The reality I live in tells me that in this life, I will never get to do that. So I push down those feelings that create tears streaming down my face, and I try to smile at the feelings I'm experiencing inside my stomach at this moment.
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| Baby girl resting comfortably against her arm |
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| She wasn't much for pictures of her face this week, but we did get a cute shot of her ear. |
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| Oh and that heartburn I've been getting to experience, is in part due to the fact she's got a good amount of hair. Who knew you could see hair on an ultrasound. That white stuff in the center, yep that's her hair!- Dad's very excited about that! |
At 30 weeks pregnant and 9 months in mourning, I press on.... with open wounds but countless blessings and the promise of hope in what's to come.
Until next time
angie
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