28 Weeks: Live for today... dream of tomorrow.

The last time my mom was here, she took me to go maternity clothes shopping.  I really just wanted to get one more pair of work pants, but upon getting to the store I think Mom was excited to pick out a few more things.

When we first walked into Motherhood Maternity, up on the wall was a shirt that mom first saw.  It was a casual shirt with a pretty design and it read, "Live for today, dream of tomorrow."  Mom pointed it out to me and said, "that's a really neat shirt."  Upon my eyes seeing it and reading the saying, I was pretty determined that it was going to be coming home with me.  It turns out it was the last shirt in the store and I did end up bringing it home.

The saying on that shirt struck me the first time I saw it and every time since.  If there is a theme in this pregnancy, a tag line I could steal, that would be it.

For the last 200 days (give or take a few), my life has been focused on exactly that... Live for today... dream of tomorrow.

Living for today is the only way in those first months after Noah's death that we (I) could function.  There was no trying to plan for the future, look forward to what could be, or dream of what might come.  No, it was simply, live in this moment, focus on the reality in front of me, and do my best to get through each moment as it hit me.

The moment I learned we were pregnant again, I wanted to dream of tomorrow, of what it could feel like to watch a baby grow inside of me, to bring home a full-term baby into our lives and to feel more happiness than sadness.  So while only a tiny bit at first, I did dream of tomorrow with great reservation and concern.

As the days turned into weeks, the weeks into months and the first trimester, to the second and now the third, I find the message on that maternity shirt to speak louder and louder.  I still live for today, cherishing each moment I get with her squirming, tossing, kicking and punching inside of me.  For I'm even starting to feel like the days of getting to experience this are coming to a close, and not in a bad way of her coming too early.  I am actually starting to allow myself to believe that just maybe, in a world of answered prayers, that just maybe she will make her debut at full term.  As I allow myself to dream of that, I remind myself that what I experience now, will soon be over and that the dream I've always wanted of getting to experience pregnancy, will be coming to a close.  With that thought, I remind myself to cherish each and every moment.

I've also started to allow myself to celebrate in the dream of getting to bring baby girl home into our lives.  The survival rates increase each and everyday she stays inside, and while I know we are no where near out of the woods with complications related to premature birth, I allow myself to celebrate the victory of each passing day.

Tomorrow we will turn another page in this pregnancy journey and begin week 29.  Now officially into the third trimester, I am SO happy to be here.  Week 28 has been filled with blessings in so many ways, I think Jarrett and I honestly allowed ourselves to release a sigh of relief as we met this first milestone.   Not that we are ready to meet baby girl in person yet, we feel such great joy in just getting this far.

This week brought us another ultrasound, where our wonderful friend Marybeth, (she's been with us for several weeks now celebrating each milestone), measured baby girl, checked to make sure all her parts are still there and gave us an update on the amniotic fluid.  Marybeth (and the entire team at Valley Perinatal) has been so supportive, treating us like family from day one.  We truly feel cared about, and there's no price tag too great for how that has helped us.  We got to see baby girl in sections as she's now way to big to fit on the whole screen.  Where last week she was pretty cooperative in showing us her pretty face, this week she wasn't in the mood.  Thankfully Marybeth's an expert and was still able to get an adorable side profile shot and some other super cute photos for us to cherish.

 We knew this week would allow us to see just how big baby girl has grown.  She weighed 1lb, 13 oz at 23.5 weeks so we were hoping she was well over 2 lbs by this milestone.  Turns out baby girl is really enjoying all the food I've been consuming as we learned she's now 3 pounds, 2 ounces.  Jarrett and I were so glad to hear she's growing so well.  I might even admit, I had a moment in the middle of the night where I panicked thinking if we do make it to full term and she keeps growing at this rate, she could be over 9 pounds.  YIKES!

The other change that I've noticed this week is that my contractions have picked up again.  I'm not sure if it is normal at this point or if its just me and my hyperactive uterus.  When we talked with Dr. E. on Tuesday, he asked me about it and I told him that I was keeping track of how often they came one night and I had at least 4 strong ones in an hour. And last Saturday, I was having so many we almost went to the OB triage at the hospital as it was getting to the point where I was really worried.

She LOVES her hands in front of her face!  Look at those long fingers.

 While Dr. E was confident that I was not going into early labor he suggested we take a fetal fibronectin test to gain some reassurance.  I guess, prior to going into labor, a women's body releases a protein that acts as a glue during pregnancy to keep everything where it needs to be.  Towards the end of pregnancy, the fetal fibronectin starts breaking down and can be detected.  There is a test that can be performed to see if your body is releasing this protein, this an indication labor could be near.  If the test results come back negative, it means 99% chance that your body is NOT indicating you will go into labor within the next two weeks.  And even if the test comes back positive, it doesn't mean you will for sure deliver.  Dr. E. suggested we take it and Jarrett and I were completely on board.  We welcome all signs of reassurance throughout this pregnancy.  So Thursday I had the test done and got the call yesterday that my test came back negative!  Such great news!

In wrapping up week 28 and getting ready to begin week 29, I've found myself spending time reflecting and thinking about life and one's legacy.  As of late, I guess my bump has become more prevalent and people who didn't notice we are expecting, now can't miss it.  Just the other day, I picked up Isabelle from school and two of her preschool teachers, each at different points, said, "I didn't know you were expecting?"  And immediately after asking me that question asked, "Will this be your last child?" I smile, and simply respond... "We haven't looked that far ahead, right now we are focused on bringing home a healthy baby, that's our goal." That's honestly the truth. It isn't that Jarrett and I haven't talked about it, it isn't that we've said yes or no, its that we don't want to get ahead of ourselves.  Last time I was pregnant with Noah, I worried about what others thought... the fact that we would have 4 children and these days, people don't have 4 kids.  Last time when I told people we were pregnant, I was the one who immediately followed it up with, "this will be our last child."  See where those words got me.   Now we technically will have five children with our greatest hope getting to bring home baby girl.  When Jarrett and I first found out we were pregnant this time around, one of the first things he begged me was to not worry about what people would say or think... Lord knows there is enough judgement in this world alone in just our presidential political campaign mess, last thing I needed to think about is what others would think when we shared our newest news.  I'm glad Jarrett voiced his concern and normally I would have allowed other's opinions to influence or shape my response, but not this time.

This baby was like a gift directly from God when I, when we, needed it most. Last summer were my darkest days on this earth and I found myself pulling away from everything.  Life just didn't hold much appeal to me anymore, even with so many blessings all around.  I felt shattered, broken, too bad to be repaired.  The harder Jarrett tried to hold on, the weaker my will became.  And then, we found out we were pregnant again.  The moment I saw that positive line on the pregnancy test, I felt differently.  I knew in that moment, it wasn't just about me.  See in my mind, I had justified exactly how life could go if I wasn't actively around.  I figured out a plan so Dad would be okay, Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle would be fine and they wouldn't need some terribly depressed mother hindering their happiness.  But looking down at that stick and seeing a plus sign I realized, there was no one other than me who could care for this baby, who could take care of every need this tiny human inside of me needed, and if God put her inside of me, than there must be a reason I was still around here.  So day by day, minute by minute, I lived for her.  I lived to see her grow, to hear her heartbeat, to feel her move.  And slowly, very slowly, I started to feel myself come back to life.

I started to feel the will in my heart return, the joy in life slowly seep back in, and I started to see that Jarrett, my kids (all of them) still need me here.  When I say this baby has brought the life back to me, I mean it with every ounce of my body and hers.

The news of Joey Feeks passing this week at the young age of 40 has really struck me.  I've thought about how bravely she faced death, how she found comfort in going to be home with God and complete peace that she will not get to physically see her beautiful daughter grow up.  As sad as it is to see her pass, I can't help but think of the legacy she has left in this world and with her family.  I am sad for her family and what they have and will go through in the coming months and years.  And I sit her today, realizing just what a different place I am in today.  I want to live today.  I want to be there to watch my children grow and I want to celebrate all that this life brings us.

And with that I realize also what I want my legacy to be.  I want my legacy to be something I live and create each and everyday.  I don't need or want the nicest of things.  I don't have to see the ends of the earth or the great wonders of the world.  Because, if I look at my life, I truly feel like I've already got them.  I have the most amazing partner to share this life with, and I have the 5 most beautiful wonders in all of my world.  I may never be able to give my children a huge inheritance, a room of their own (my boy's beef as of late) or the latest and greatest expensive toys, but there is one thing I will always be proud to have given them.  I believe in the deepest part of my heart, that we've given them love, we've taught them to care for others, and we've shown them that to us, they are our world.

Here's to celebrating 28 weeks, to living for today, dreaming of tomorrow, and leaving a legacy along the way.

Until next time,
Angie