I sit here today filled with emotions that we have reached
28 weeks. This was the first milestone our doctors talked with us about
reaching way back when we began this pregnancy. Of course it isn’t the
end goal, or even the goal we are really shooting for, but still it is a big
milestone in our minds. Our baby has that much more chance of coming home
with us, because I sit here today with her still moving around inside of
me. I am so so thankful.
Thinking back just 6 weeks ago, as I laid in a bed praying
for God to keep her inside, I honestly worried, we would never get this
far. So thankful today.
Today we have our weekly ultrasound where we will get to
see how big little miss is. I’m hoping she’s almost 3 pounds and that
she’s filling out even more. I know just about 4 weeks ago she was almost
2 pounds so I hope she’s added another pound. I look so forward to the
weekly ultrasounds, not only to see her, but the reassurance that the fluid
level is okay, that my body isn’t dilating or indicating early labor and that
baby girl is perfectly fine is just what I need to hear as we experience the
mental challenge of being pregnant.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The
physical part of this pregnancy isn’t the hard part. The most difficult
aspect for me, is the mental part. I only know what I’ve experienced, and
sadly the “fear” character in my brain has been working overtime since day 1 of
knowing about baby girl. I try to keep her in check with the tools Laurie
has imprinted into my mind…. At this exact moment, what is my truth? With
that mind frame I’m able to refocus, bring myself back to the reality I am in,
and wipe clean the scary story fear has created in my mind.
Speaking of Laurie, this past week, week 27 was an
exhausting and emotional week. It seemed many things were jammed into a
few short days. On a day where I had to keep a post-it next to me with the
schedule, I knew I was pushing myself more than I usually do. Thankfully
the following day, allowed me to lay around, exactly what my body dictates to
me it needs.
Last Wednesday, Jarrett and I went together to visit Laurie
for the first time since the end of November. We had been skyping with
her over the phone while I laid in bed or on the couch. For some reason,
this past week, I felt it was time, I was okay enough, to venture up to see her
in person. Jarrett and I rode together. On the way there, we talked
about how we were so thankful baby girl was thriving at 27 weeks and how we
felt maybe we could start spacing out our visits with Laurie. We usually
have one topic of conversation we focus on each time we talk with her and I
asked him what we wanted to talk about this time. He turned the question
back around to me and I said, “You know I’m not really sure.” We left the
conversation at that, nothing decided.
When we arrived to visit with Laurie, we exchanged hugs and
she welcomed us there, like we were her favorite old friends. Maybe it’s
just she’s that good at her job. I believe it’s we have a connection, a
bond among grief in losing children, that connects our souls together. We
started by talking about the baby and rejoiced in the fact we had made it this
far. She as she self-describes, as close to an OB as you can get without
actually getting an OB medical licensed, asked me all my appointments, the
status of several things related to the pregnancy and what the plan is for the
next 4 weeks.
After getting through those details, Laurie asked us how we
are doing. I don’t know if it is the couch, the warm, calming environment
or just that she is THAT good at her job, but as soon as she asked, our
emotions float right to the surface. Jarrett started by telling her about
a project we are working on as a part of Noah’s Kindness Project with our
church. Our church is in the process of building a new sanctuary as the
congregation has outgrown our current one. Jarrett came up with the idea
of having a Noah’s Ark stained glass window made for the new nursery.
While we may never get to enjoy Noah with us here in person, we thought
donating a colorful, stained glass Noah’s ark would be something beautiful the
children could enjoy as they learn about that Bible story. As Jarrett started
talking about our plan, his eyes began to water and he had a hard time
finishing what he was saying.
Like we seem to do for one another, I tried to pick up where
he left off, so he could gather his emotions again. I said, “Laurie, we
feel such a deep desire to honor Noah and to continue to do work that creates
his legacy since he’s not here to do it for himself.” Then my emotions
took over and Jarrett continued. "We will always love Noah and just like
we do things for Gabriel, Michael, Isabelle, and hopefully our new baby girl,
we both feel we want to do stuff for him" Jarrett spoke. Laurie paused to let him
continue to share his feelings and how we still struggle with the grief in
losing him and how we feel so strongly in our hearts to do everything and anything
we can to make sure he is never forgotten.
Several sobs later, lots of crumpled up tissues in hand and
eyes puffy from tears, we both stopped talking. Laurie said, “I
completely understand your desire to honor him. You do know though that
he doesn’t need it?” Her words were
direct, not cold but truth. Just how she
has taught us to live. Hearing her say
it, I knew instantly she was right. Noah
doesn’t need a stained glass picture with his namesake on it. He has everything he needs and more in
Heaven. Knowing the point she really was
saying, I looked at Jarrett, he looked at me, and he said, “I guess we feel the
need to do it for ourselves.” She
smiled, without a word spoken and nodded.
After a quiet pause she said, “Just like I”ve said from the beginning,
this process is about being kind to yourself and doing what makes you feel
good. If it makes you feel good and
closer to Noah to have a beautiful picture made for your church, than I say you
do it."
I stayed quiet and Laurie looked over at Jarrett who
obviously had other thoughts running through his mind. He said, “Speaking of doing things that feel
good, I want to talk about maybe taking down some of the large poster pictures
we have of Noah in our house.”
Truthfully speaking, we have many reminders of Noah in our home. We have so many wonderful gifts people shared
with us and I have as many of them on display as we can. After Noah was born and then passed, I needed
to see his picture, memorials of his presence, every where I turned. It was comforting to me when I couldn’t physically
hold him, I could at least see him or be reminded he was (is) real. And for several months those pictures filled a
need, a great need I had, we had.
Through this process we’ve learned that grief changes and our needs in
having Noah be a part of our lives continue to change too. Hearing Jarrett talk about how the some of
the specific photos from those last few hours of Noah's life, were now causing him to feel
pain and sadness, made me hurt that I hadn’t recognized his feelings in
needing to put them away. Jarrett said,
there are some great memories we have of Noah and our time together, but some of
those pictures from the end are too hard for me to look at. I sat quietly, reliving all 12 days of his
life over in my mind. As tears flowed
down Jarrett’s face, he looked at me and I couldn’t help but return the look
with a caring smile. I said, “I was just
thinking about the good memories…. Remember father’s day? I could feel my eyes widening with
happiness. That was such a good day, we
got to kiss him for the first time and got to take pictures with his ocelet
open.
Jarrett smiled back at me as we both sobbed further into our crumpled up
Kleenex. I reached for his hand and
said, “We can take down any of the pictures or reminders that are too hard for
you to see.”
I looked back at Laurie and asked her, “We have so many
beautiful things to honor and remember Noah, and as we prepare to bring this
baby home, some of the places where we’ve kept Noah’s stuff is in the same
place we would have to use for the baby girl.
What do we do? I just can’t get rid of it, I still want it.” In that moment, I could tell my question hit
Laurie not as a therapist, but as a mother, who too had lost her babies. I saw the feeling of heartache go into her
chest and appear on her face. She paused
and said, “Angie I will tell you, as a mother, what I did.” Hearing Laurie share openly about what she
did to save and preserve her babies gifts, memorials and treasures was so
helpful as it gave me the permission I felt I didn’t have to be able to
organize some of Noah’s things the same way.
The way she phrased it was, “You’re not getting rid of or tossing out,
your simply reorganizing your life to find more peace. It was what I, what Jarrett needed to
hear. She is really THAT good at her
job.
Leaving Laurie’s office Jarrett and I felt yet another piece
of the burden of grief lifted off our shoulders and we halfheartedly joked how
we thought we didn’t have anything to talk about, when it turns out, there was
so much.
This past weekend, Jarrett and I attempted to reorganize our
life and found the courage to take one more step forward in preparing for baby
girl. After Noah passed away, one of the hardest
things for me was seeing his clothes, all the supplies and the blanekts that he
would never get to wear. As quickly as
Jarrett could, he boxed up all of Noah’s belongings and put them in a container
on a shelf in our bathroom. For the past
8 months those boxes have been sitting there covered in a blanket above a
saying on the wall that reads, "Everyday holds the possibility of a miracle."
For 8 months a blanket covered the reminders that were too
hard for me to face. This past weekend, I asked Jarrett if he would bring the
boxes down so I could go through them.
Sunday morning before church I found the courage to open the first
box. Inside that box was a treasure
chest of adorable little boy clothes that Noah never got to wear. So many cute outfits, “Mommy’s little helper” or “Daddy’s #1 draft pick” and “Handsome like Daddy.” I pulled out each outfit, carefully examined
the size of the outfit, the pictures or sayings on the chest and allowed myself
to feel every bit of emotion in dreaming what Noah would have looked like in
them. Some outfits made me smile as I
know he would have been so adorably handsome in them, and others the tears
flowed freely…. I pressed the outfits up against my chest, wishing so much his
little body would have miraculously filled in the empty space. Jarrett was showering while I went through
the first box, as I found some unisex onesis that we can use for baby
girl. I sorted the clothes and the ones
that were definitely boyish, I placed back into the box.
Jarrett got out of the shower and dressed for church. He came to me on the side of the bed and I
showed him some cute outfits I felt particularly drawn to. Right away Jarrett’s eyes welled with
tears. He said, “Its so hard for me to
look at these.” I remembered our
conversation from Laurie and decided to stop showing him anymore. He had been so considerate before to hide them
from me when it was too difficult, I didn’t want to put him through any other
pain. I let him return to getting ready
for church while I tried to quickly sort through the rest of the items we could
use for baby girl. Soon there after, I asked
him to take the box, now sealed shut again, and he replaced it back up on the ledge
it has been resting upon.
As much progress we had made in reorganizing, I think we
both felt we had done enough for the next few weeks.
As we give such great thanks for making it to 28 weeks, week
27 was a week that had us focusing on the grief that is still so present in our
hearts and minds. Baby girl is such a light for us when the dark days of grief
appear and we are so thankful for the blessings we have in Gabriel, Michael and
Isabelle; that keep us focused on the day to day in front of us.
For most women or couples experiencing pregnancy, the
majority of the time it is such a joyous occasion. While we have so much joy, we also have fear,
sadness and the reality that so many things have to go perfectly right, to
bring home a healthy baby. As difficult
as it is to carry that truth, I’m in a way thankful for the ever presence
understanding that God’s perfection is so often displayed. I just pray this baby girl and us getting to
bring her home, is one of those examples of perfection God gives to us this
time.
Until next time,
Angie
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