10 Months....

Ten months ago today our precious Noah celebrated his birthday.  Oh what a special day (actually night) it was.  He was everything we dreamed he would be and more.

And not a day, nor an hour since his birth has passed that he hasn't been in my mind and in my heart.  As we look forward to the future and what it may bring, the reality will always exist, that my heart feels incomplete and that I will always miss my little boy.

In the 10 months it has been since Noah was born, we (all of us) have become different people.  His life, his presence, his small, but powerful spirit changed us in a way that make us forever different.  I'm okay with that, I am better off because of him.  

Noah and his short life taught me that what we have here is temporary, he reminds me what really matters, and he gives me courage to not be afraid of things I previously would have feared.  Noah also continues to give me something to look forward to.... to the day when I will meet him again.  I dream of that day, long in the future.  As an elderly woman who has done what she was put on this earth to do.  I dream that he will come, take my hand as its time to leave, and hopefully lead me to Heaven.  It might be morbid for others to read about the dream I have, but for me, it gives me peace.  For on that day, I will get to know my son, the son I had to say goodbye to too soon.

Until that time, that day long in the future, I have accepted the reality that I must be patient, that Noah will wait for me, for us and that my focus for my family and children here is my current duty... a role I happily accept and live for each day.  

As much as I wish I could feel his strong presence by my side each and everyday, I know he is with me.  Somedays I feel him more than others.  This past weekend I was reminded that his legacy continues, not just in my heart but in the minds and hearts of others who were shaped by his life too.

Friday night, my dear friend Jane sent me this beautiful picture and the caption...

"I will never ever see a rainbow and not think of Noah and you. :-)"  

Seeing her beautiful picture, I immediately felt happiness in my heart, and then I read her caption.  Understanding that Noah's life had a permanent imprint in her life, makes me find so much peace.  I think in life we all want to make a difference, to matter, to have purpose.  How proud of a mom do I get to be that in a life of only 12 days, my little angel, his life, made a permanent difference.  I feel so honored to be his mother.

And then my cousin Andrea sent this...

"Noah is with us at Country Thunder."  

Isn't that double rainbow beautiful?  Looking at her picture I felt like I was looking up to Heaven with a banner in the sky that says, "I'm always with you Mom."  

The pictures of rainbows from others are like messengers delivering the news Noah knows my heart needs to hear.

Getting those pictures sent to me made me smile and provided me reassurance that while he's gone, he's never fully left us.  And if I needed any more reminders, on Saturday evening, I slipped out of the house to run to Walgreens to pick up my prescription for more contraction medication.  

Walking out of the house, I got into the car, turned to fasten my seat belt when out the window I saw it. 

As small and subtle as it could be, it still stopped me still.  I crawled back out of the car, walked back inside the house and asked Jarrett to come out with me.

I said Jarrett, look, its almost a tiny rainbow reflecting off the sun.  As I looked closer at the clouds it formed on top of, it reminded me of angel wings, and I felt in m heart, it was my tiniest angel saying, "Here I am... Here I am."  

I spoke out loud, "Thank you Noah."  and I proceeded to buckle my seat belt and continued on.  I drove down the street to the end of our block, turned right, went to the stop sign, and looked back again to see the sign from my son.  It was gone and I knew in my heart, what I had just seen was something not intended to last long.  It was him, just saying hi.

Life without my baby in my arms is not the way I would have written our story to play out.  Never would I been able to say goodbye if I wasn't forced to.  And while my heart will forever ache in missing him, in longing for his touch, I've learned to find peace, acceptance in being with my son in other ways.  

Instead of thinking about what he would be doing now at 10 months old, I instead think about how wonderful his life must be in Heaven.  How his presence is with me in other ways and how someday we will hopefully be together again.

Ten months ago today, my son made me a believer that miracles really do happen.  The odds of him making it through all the challenges he faced, and yet he still entered this world with the tiniest of cries and the determination to fight as much as he could, will stay with me forever.

The miracle didn't end when his time here on earth did, the miracle for me continues, as he lives on in me, in my family, in each of us and in so many of you.  

Noah James, Mommy loves you always.  I will miss you forever.  

Until we meet again, part of my heart will be your companion.

Until next time,

Angie

34 Weeks! We made it!

We are officially 34 weeks and 2 days pregnant and still baby girl is swimming around inside of me.   Granted her pool might feel more like a wave pool with the constant contractions I have that she must feel, but hey she's still inside so PRAISE the LORD!

I am so so happy we are here and I think I've finally told myself, okay, let her come now at any time.  Such a paradigm shift from weeks 5-33.  I never thought I'd get here, but the way I feel with constant contractions, to seeing just how big she is, and the reassurance from the doctors that we are in a good place, make me finally ready to say, "Okay little sweetie pie, I'm ready to see your face in real life, other than just the ultrasound." 

As excited as I (and I think Jarrett is too) am to meet her, I go back and forth.  Having just started a new job I would like to have a few more weeks in my new position, before going on leave, as well as to have the full leave over the summer when the other kids will be off of school, would be nice, but I'll take what ever she decides.

As last week wrapped up, I went to my first official Non-Stress Test (NST) appointment where they hooked me up to the monitor and told me to push a button every time I felt her move.  The reality was that I wish I could have pushed a button for each time I had a contraction as that's way more often than she moves.  Luckily, they were already monitoring it and before I was even half way through the NST test the nurse practitioner came in and said, "Do you know you're having consistent contractions?"  I felt like responding, "Um do you know that you're alive?" but since I had just met her and she had no idea about my history, I decided that was really snotty and instead I responded, "Regular contractions."  She said they wanted to monitor me and the baby for a while longer.

After about 10 or so more minutes they came back, disconnected me from the wires and transitioned me to an exam room.  The practitioner returned with the strip of paper that read all the baby's movements along with her heart rate and my contractions.  She reviewed the strip with me and said, "I'd like to check you to make sure with all these contractions you're not going into labor."  She also did another fetal fibernectin test (the one that detects if your body is producing the protein before it goes into labor).  As she checked me she explained that while I wasn't dilating yet, my body was definitely preparing for labor (I'll leave out the specifics).  She also said that my ultrasound earlier in the week showed that I have high levels of amniotic fluid.  Yes, you read that correctly.

After all those weeks of being on Motrin and worrying about the fluid levels being too low (thank God they never were), here we are with the situation of too much fluid.  It's almost comical.  She explained some of the risks associated with too much fluid and mainly said, this probably means you're going to have more contractions.  Just make sure you go to the hospital and get a shot of Terbutaline to slow the contractions if they become stronger and more frequent.  

I left the doctors office with some what mixed emotions... wondering if I should worry about the fluid, if my contractions were going to increase even more than they had been, but mostly I worried about baby.  I just want more than anything to bring home a healthy baby girl.  I don't think I'll ever rest fully until she's in my arms, breathing, alive and healthy.  

Almost as if the nurse practitioner prescribed it, my contractions increased again over the course of the weekend.  I debated going into the ER for the shot, but kept hearing Dr. A's voice in my head... "You're just one of the lucky women who get to have regular contractions."  Each time I questioned what to do, I thought of him and decided to just stick it out.  The contractions are definitely not full on labor contractions, but they aren't the painless braxton hicks ones either.  They are painful, last anywhere from 30 seconds to 2 minutes and shoot pain across my stomach, my lower pelvis and my back.  On Saturday night, I finally decided at 4 a.m. to get up and shower hoping it would  break up the pattern of regularity they were coming in.

Thankfully Nana and Papa stayed with us all weekend, just in case we needed to make a trip to the ER.  We have our crew on-call now, alert to be ready for a middle of the night call at any time.

I've been experiencing the same regularity of contractions since the weekend and therefore I was really excited to return to the doctor today not only for the ultrasound but also to talk to our specialist Dr. E.  Our wonderful friend Marybeth wasn't in the office today as she was moved to another office location to cover a staff member who was out, so we were seen by another ultrasound tech.  She was really nice, but I'd be lying to say we didn't miss our normal weekly conversation with the great Marybeth.  

In today's ultrasound, baby girl was again charged with performing the same activities as last week.  Except last week when she completed them in 4 minutes, this time she wasn't as interested in playing along.  I think she had fallen sleep so we had to force her to wake up.  Eventually she complied with our requests and did her moving, stretching, practice breathing and check of fluid.  When today's fluid was measured I could again see there was an abundance of fluid present.  I prayed that the level had gone down into the normal range.  Instead we learned that the fluid level had increased from last week.  

No wonder I feel so huge!

I recently shared a picture of my belly without a shirt covering it with my sister who responded, "Oh my god!  I can't even believe that. That doesn't even look real."  Now if that isn't a sign your rather large, I don't know what is.  I'd share the same image with all you here, but I'm afraid it would be one of those images you'd have a hard time getting out of your mind... so I'll spare you. 

Back to the story...

I believe they want the levels to be somewhere between 10-20 and currently baby girl is swimming in 27.  Its on the high end but understand it can go even higher (which we don't want).  After the ultrasound Dr. E, (boy do we love this man) came in, greeting us with his normal genuine, caring smile and warm handshake and said, "So nice to see you and I'm so happy to be at this point in the journey with you.  We are at 34 weeks!"  He then went onto explain the causes for the high levels of fluid but was clear in saying he wasn't too worried about them.  He said there are three causes for polyhydramnios (too much fluid)... 1) Gestational diabetes (which you don't have since you passed the test), 2) Baby isn't swallowing (we know she is because we've seen her on several ultrasounds swallowing fluid and she has fluid in her stomach), and 3) We just don't know.... which lucky for you is the best reason and the reason you fall under.  Hearing Dr. E explain it took the worry from my mind.

I then asked him about the contractions and if they hurt the baby.  He said, that they don't hurt her.  He smiled and said, "She's swimming around in all that fluid, she's good."  Hearing that made me feel even better as I was worried throughout the night that all the constant contractions had to be putting her under duress too.

As we finished talking he again said how wonderful it is that we are where we are and that he looks forward to meeting our daughter.  I told him how grateful we are for him and that he helped us get this far.  I fully accredit so much to him, his expertise and the care we were given.  

As we excited the office, which happens to be exactly across the street from Banner Desert where we plan to deliver, I told Jarrett, I'm getting excited to meet her.  He said, "I had a feeling you were feeling that way, since I couldn't convince you to go in for a shot no matter what all weekend."  While our dream is to get to 36 weeks, at this point I feel we've won the lottery and at this point I'm just letting all control go and trusting it will happen when its supposed to.  

I'm feeling like we have everything ready to bring her home.  Her clothes are washed, car seat ready, we've been hauling around my and her hospital bag in the back of our car for weeks now, and now we wait.  What a joyous place to be.

So where ever it is that labor officially starts or my water breaks (speaking of that I'm praying it isn't at work, or church.... well I just hope its at home... I have a feeling its going to be like a tidal wave of fluid.  My optimistic mom said, "Maybe they'll be so much water that she can just slide out with it... isn't that a nice thought").  I will be excited for getting to see our daughter with my own eyes as she takes her first breath.  

What an emotional, healing, life-changing moment that will be.  

Until then, I'm going to cherish each movement in my body I get to feel.  Each jab, slide of her hand, hick-up and kick.  I realize those amazing moments are coming to an end and they are a part of this miracle we've been living as it unfolds.

And until then also, I'm just gonna keep staring at the ultrasound pictures I get each week.  This baby is so loved...

I hope I'm back next week writing about week 35 and the fact that baby is thriving.  Or who knows, maybe I'll be writing sooner to let you know she's arrived.

Stay tuned... exciting things ahead we pray!

Until next time,

Angie

33 Weeks: Showered in blessings

Today I am officially closer to 34 weeks than 33 weeks and boy am I so thankful to be here.  In two days we will turn another page in our planner, write down 34 weeks and celebrate.  We've made it to our goal.

I definitely feel like my body is giving me signs her arrival is drawing near, and for the first time in the past 8 months, I am okay with it.  What a drastic change from the fear and worry that has crippled me through this pregnancy journey.

They say the end of pregnancy isn't for the faint of heart, and I guess I'm starting to see why.  I've officially hit the "I'm uncomfortable" stage, and the "tired of feeling yucky" point.  I remind myself that this is such a special time in my life, something I've always wanted and to be thankful, even for the hard parts.

I've found myself in the past few weeks becoming more like a waddling penguin, than a person.  My back seems to finally reached a point where its not comfortable in sustaining the basketball on the front of my stomach, and my body feels like its swelling in places I didn't realize would swell (i.e. my toes).

Sleep has pretty much become foreign to me, between the trips to the bathroom, the pills I take every 4 hours and the sickness that accompanies the Nifedipine, I've watched A LOT of The Office over the past week... I'm thinking I might actually finish the entire series before she comes.  That's about all I can truly say I've accomplished in the last several months.  At least its something right? ;-)

Yet despite me spending the last 4 paragraphs complaining, I wouldn't change this feeling, aches or pains for anything else.  This is my dream coming true, and I haven't forgotten for a second, just how big of a blessing this is.

This week, week 33 brought the start (or actual continuation) of my twice a week doctors appointments, yet this time we are now having a weekly ultrasound to see how the baby is, followed by another appointment 3 days later where the baby and I get to do a non-stress test to make sure she is well.

While the contractions are no longer 6 minutes a part, they have remained constant, continuous and sometimes really strong.  Yesterday I did not feel well all day and tried to take things extra easy.  Isabelle was home with me and one of the 80 times a day she calls for me to come help her, I got up and walked to her room.   Its common for me that every time I get up to walk, I will have a contraction, so when it happened this time I didn't think much of it. As I got to her room, Isabelle needed help putting on her shoes so I went and sat on her chair, bent over slightly to help her and sat there for a minute afterwards to just let everything relax.  I then went to stand up to go back to my spot on the couch when a really strong contraction came on, it took away my breath, shot pains through my back and stomach and took my breath away.  I bend over her dresser and tried to breath through it.  After a minute or so the pain finally let up and I was able to go back to the couch to rest.  Having those strong contractions reminded me, of the fun labor pains that await.

Earlier this week we got to see baby girl again on the ultrasound and each time I see her I fall farther and farther in love.  My anticipation for her arrival grows and the dreams of what our life together will be like, grow rapidly in my mind.  I've finally allowed myself to think... she will come home with us.  I just pray that my thoughts become my reality.

Baby girl had 30 minutes this week to perform show off some of her skills.  I can't remember everything she was supposed to do in the time allotted... I think show signs of practice breathing, stretch a couple of times and move her arms and legs were a few of them.  Our wonderful friend Marybeth who has been there for us each week for so many months, said sometimes babies take the full 30 minutes and sometimes they finish right away.  As she put the wand on my stomach, it was clear baby girl was awake and active.  About 4 minutes later, after seeing her cute round belly rise and fall, her kick her legs and move her arms, and wiggle around my belly, Marybeth said, "Well, she's basically done everything we need her to do!"  Again she had passed her test with flying colors.  My little overachiever. :-)

Thankfully Marybeth allowed me to watch her for a few more minutes and captured some great photos.  Baby girl has continued to fill out, now sporting a cute little fat roll along her wrist.  Each time I see her I think about Isabelle as a baby and how tiny thin she was.  Seeing "Sweetie Pie" I'm thinking she's going to be the exact opposite.  What fun it will be to see her on the outside.

Here are some pictures from this week's ultrasound...

 This scan type is supposed to reflect the actual texture of skin and what she'd look like on the outside.  Isn't it amazing the detail they can see in these pictures?

 See her little wrist with the start of her crease in her hand.  I think its the cutest thing ever and can't wait to kiss those little hands.

 She was willing to let us see her face for a few great shots...

And then she crossed her hands in front of her face and said, "Enough pictures for today!"  Look at those long fingers. 

Returning home after the ultrasound I realized that my time with her riding along with me inside, is coming to an end and my nesting urges kicked in.  Thankfully I am feeling like we are pretty much ready to meet her.  Her clothes have been washed (thanks Nana and Papa), we have her car seat installed (again thanks Nana and Papa) and we have all the supplies I think we could need to welcome her into our lives (thanks to so many).

And speaking of supplies given by so many, I want to conclude this post by sharing that we were again showered in great love this past weekend as two of my greatest friends hosting a baby shower for us.  Janelle and Sonya, (and their families) have been truly remarkable to me and our family from the very beginning but especially this past year.  They were pillars of strength for me, for our family and extended loved ones as we journeyed with Noah, celebrating with us as we told them we were expecting our son Noah, being oh so supportive and helpful while we were in the hospital with Noah, providing unending support, love and kindness in our grief and now showering us with so much love as we look forward to continuing on with life and our littlest blessing.  I don't know how I was blessed with their amazing friendship, but its been life saving for me to have them in my life.  

Sonya and Janelle hosted a beautiful party and so many wonderful friends were able to come.  I loved getting to see friends I hadn't seen in a long time and to sharing a beautiful morning together.  While their time in being together was gift enough, so many generous and very wonderful gifts were shared with us.  Here are some photos of the fun we shared...

Isn't that the prettiest diaper cake ever?  Thanks Jane for creating such a masterpiece!  I'm afraid to use any of the diapers as I don't want to take apart such a beautiful creation!

Isabelle and her friend Matt, helped me open the gifts.  This big box of diapers was a two man project!

Thank you Janelle, Sonya and so many great friends for celebrating this joyous time.  We are so thankful for the support and love shared with us.  And thank you for helping us get prepared.


And while us girls were having fun being showered in love, Dad and his boys had a busy morning playing too.  They had Gabriel's baseball game, followed by lunch at Panda Express (the boys' favorite) and then got to go bowling.  Here they are "pretending" to be exhausted from their busy morning!

Until next time,
Angie

Dear Mom...

Tonight's post comes from my son Michael.

Everyday after school, I ask the boys to write a journal entry for 20 minutes.  I think there are many benefits to writing in a journal.... not only does it give them practice in writing (a skill I think is so important), but it also allows them learn the process of being able to take their thoughts swimming around in their mind and put them down on paper, and finally, its good practice for them to improve their grammar, spelling, punctuation and proofreading skills.

Most days the boys fight me on writing even though they can write about anything they'd like.  They sloppily put down a few sentences and hope we are too worn down to make them rewrite it or fix it.  Some days they surprise me.  Today was one of those days.

Tonight after school I was given the most beautiful letter (or journal entry) from Michael.  It was completely out of the blue and he said he just wanted me to know how he felt.

I'll let you read for yourself.  As Michael read me his beautiful letter, I couldn't help but think of all the times I've failed him, all the mistakes I've made in being his mother and how I wish I could go back and do them all over again.  But as he read his note, I also realized that he knows I'm not perfect and that I've made mistakes (lots of them), but still he loves me, despite all my flaws.

I told Michael his letter was the best note I've ever received from my children and that I will cherish it forever.  And that is the truth.  I've made a lot of mistakes as a mom, Michael knows he knows how to push my buttons, but at the end of the day he still loves me and I love him.  Isn't that the basic definition of family?

I proudly share with you the beautiful letter from my son Michael...

Dear Mom,

I love your smile you have every time you wake up.  When I see it, I know I am going to have the best day ever. Your smile is so pretty, as pretty as you are.  I never will know how much you love me.  I love you to the stars and even higher and back.  Even though I can cause you stress, I will never stop loving you.  Because you are my mom and more.  Without you I would be on the street because you provide everything for me.  All my moms, my birth-mom, foster mom and you, I know you are the right one and I will, and have known it from the beginning to the end.  You are like the sun because you shine and shine for me.  You've treated me the best I could ever ask for and now I will do the same.

Love, Michael

I'm one honored and deeply touched mom tonight.  Its moments like this that will stay in my heart forever.

Until next time,

Angie

Support...

There have been so many blessings in this pregnancy, I’ve started writing a list of the blessings and find that it is so long, I get interrupted because it is taking me so long to record them all. 

I’ve talked before about how this pregnancy and how baby girl is a saving grace, in how I approached life and the will to keep going, but I don’t feel I’ve given credit where credit is due in why I’m still pregnant today.

The truth is, we have been truly supported in so many ways with this pregnancy.  Early on, when we first learned we were pregnant, Jarrett vowed he would do what ever he could to step up and take on the roles I was carrying, thus allowing me to focus fully on growing the baby.  Before we told anyone about our news, Jarrett took on full responsibility with the kids, taking care of their homework, the drop offs, the pick ups, the breaking-up-of-arguments between them, cooking ( aka ordering out for dad), you name it.  This meant Jarrett’s long list of duties really never ended and while his sleeping hours suffered and stressed waned, he never complained.  Instead he’d tell me to go lay down, ask me what he could bring me and attended to all our needs.  To this moment, he is still shouldering so much of the weight and reminding me, “Keep your eye on the prize.”  This morning on our way into work, I told him I’m ready to come of the DL (Disabled List) in the near future (VERY near future).

When we got to a point past the first trimester we filled in our parents and my aunt and uncle (who live down the street) who have been amazing sources of support.  When we shared the news our family was excited for us but also concerned about us and wanted to do anything and everything they could to help us.  Jarrett and I, while we try most times to be self sufficient and take on our responsibilities fully; this time we willingly and openly accepted all help we could get.  I think we learned through losing Noah, that it was others carrying us through that got us to where we are today. Asking for help doesn’t mean you are weak and unable, it just means you are welcoming the love and support from others to get through lifes’ challenges.

So we welcomed support and boy have we been blessed.  My aunt and uncle and their daughters have helped us watch Isabelle and volunteered to take the boys to activities to give us one less child to care for. Anita has made countless trips to the grocery store, brought us meals when I was “busy” cooking a baby on the couch, and served as our “on-call” point of contact for those middle of the night trips/after work calls when I need to go to the hospital. 

And then there’s Nana and Papa.  Like my placenta is to my baby girl growing inside of me, Nana and Papa have been the life blood of support for our family (how that for a slightly too graphic but totally pregnancy related metaphor- sorry my brain is pretty much gone these days). J  The minute we shared the news with Nana and Papa they vowed to be here with us through every step of this pregnancy and they would do what ever they could to support.  The reality is, they have done everything we could have ever asked for and a million more things.  The list of support they have given us is where I can’t find an ending to.  From cleaning (and I mean better than I have ever done) our house weekly (or sometimes more often), to making us meals--- so many, grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, decorating our house for the holidays, washing our clothes, fixing everything we break, racing across town and back in a single afternoon during rush hour traffic to get a piece for our ice maker so I could have ice water to drink, assembling the crib, the stroller, the pack-n-play, the swing, installing the car seat, putting stuff in our attic, taking Jack on countless walks, racing to our house in the middle of the night, the middle of the day, the crack of dawn, watching the kids, taking Isabelle on millions of Paw Patrol adventures… like I said, I could keep going forever.  Suffice to say, they have taken on more than I could have ever asked for or dreamed and never once hesitated in their commitment to our family and goal of bringing home our daughter. 

I can only hope that someday I am there for our grown children in the way Nana and Papa have been there for us.

And as I specifically list the efforts of Anita, Andy, Nana and Papa, the truth is there have been so many of you that have provided us so much love and support from early on and continue to do so now.  The text messages to check in, the sharing of prayers for us and our children, the gift baskets of support, the meals, the cards in the mail just to say… you were in my thoughts today, so many ways we’ve been lifted up.  And I'm so so grateful for you.  Forgive me for not listing you individually, but please know your care will always be remembered and has kept me, kept us going.  We will be eternally grateful.

 

Until next time,

Angie

The right decision...

Today I started a new job.  I know what you are thinking… who starts a new job when they are 33 weeks pregnant?  Seriously, I know.  Even my high-risk doctor said, “Are you out of your mind?” (he was joking) when he heard I wanted to push back our normal weekly “date” so I could make a good first impression at my new job this week.   

While it may seem odd or against the norm, this is one of those life moments when I really felt God played a part in making this come to fruition.  See almost 4 months ago, I learned about a new part-time opportunity with the College of Nursing and Health Innovation that would allow me to get back into event planning, while also getting to work with alumni and community partners.  After several friends sent me the job posting and said, “you should look into this”, I decided I would.

While I loved working with so many of my colleagues at my previous place of employment, when I read this job description, I felt really connected with what the position entailed. This position would pull me out of my comfort zone, make me learn new things again and also take me to a different location.  Instead of working in Tempe, just 7 short miles from our home, this position is downtown, in the heart of metro Phoenix.  While the thought of fighting traffic for 17 miles both ways was enough to scare me from applying, Jarrett reminded me his work was only 3 blocks away, that we could car pool and that I’d be saving money, A LOT of money on parking (or no parking fees).  Plus he said (again), we can carpool and actually talk to one another (we primarily communicate via text as we race from one thing to the next).  After thinking about it and hearing him tell me over and over I wouldn’t be the one driving in rush hour traffic, I applied. 

This is where I feel God played a part in shaping everything that happened.  Several weeks after I applied, I was called to set up an interview.  It was set for Wednesday, January 20^th, the same day as my 22 week ultrasound…. the ultrasound that showed very clear signs I was going into early labor. The same ultrasound where I left with instructions to keep my phone close, as they gave me instructions if I should go to the hospital or just stay in bed.  The ultrasound that left me on bedrest for 2 weeks.  I walked out of the doctor’s office, with only 45 minutes before I was supposed to be downtown interviewing for this position.  I called my doctor’s nurse, asked if I could go to the interview, to which she said, I would not recommend doing anything other than laying in the bed.  I agreed, this baby was the most important and I couldn’t risk doing anything to have her come early.

So I called the contact I had for the interview and explained how sorry I was but that due to an unforeseen medical situation, I was going to have to cancel.  They were wonderful in telling me they were sorry to hear I was ill but would call me the following week to see about rescheduling.  I thanked them, apologized again, and crawled into bed.

The following week I heard from them, asking to reschedule the interview, and being that I was still on bedrest, I told them how sorry I was but that I was going to have to remove myself from consideration as I needed to focus on my health.  They were extremely understanding and asked me if they ever re-posted the position or had a similar one in the future if I would like to be on a list to be contacted.  I told them absolutely I would be interested and thanked them for the opportunity.

Several weeks went by, I was released from bed and given the chance to go back to work and thought I would be happily at my previous place of employment until well after the baby was born, or longer.  However I always wondered what happened with that position and that it was a bummer I never got the chance to learn more about it.  That’s when, out of the blue, I got a message from the same person who called me about the job earlier.  She reached out to ask me if there was any chance I was still interested in their position.  Reading her email I got very excited as I had honestly thought about that job almost on a daily basis and wondered if I had missed out on a great opportunity.  I responded right away and said I was and that I would love to talk with them if that would be at all possible.

I also told them I needed to be upfront and honest though, that I was 6 months pregnant, with a high risk pregnancy and that I didn’t know if having someone who would want to take leave soon after starting would work with their hiring needs or plans.  I was honest and knew full well, my “situation” may not work for them.  If that was true for their hiring needs, I wasn’t going to feel bad.  It was just the way it was.  Again, I can’t imagine being in charge of a program and hiring someone who would only want to take leave right after starting…  not ideal.  I sent the email detailing everything and hoped it would be received positively.  I then crossed my fingers, and continued to hit refresh on my phone until I saw her message pop up a few minutes later.

They congratulated me on my pregnancy, said they were a very family oriented office and if I was willing they wanted to set up an interview.  The following week, I met the director of the program and the members of her team. From the moment I was greeted in the lobby, throughout the interview and leaving the building, I was treated so kindly, so warmly welcomed, and felt like I had walked into a family. I felt at home and I had just met them. 

In the following couple of weeks I talked with them, they asked me follow up questions, I met with their Dean and each time felt like I was being called to make a change.  I then received an offer and knew in my heart, it was time for me to take my next career step.   While I enjoyed working with so many of my friends at my previous employment…they were the ones that supported me through Noah’s pregnancy, those very difficult days of returning to the office after he passed, and the joyous celebration of anticipation in bringing home our daughter, I just felt I was being called to take this opportunity.

This position, allows me to continue working part time, a flexible schedule to be there for my family and allows me to work on a small team-oriented office.  These are qualities that are so important to me in my career and in my life…. For the title I value most isn’t the one printed on my business cards, it’s the one I hear 100’s of times a day… “Mom”. 

Going to bed last night I wondered how I would sleep.  Most people doesn’t sleep all that great on the night before they begin their new job right?  As the evening rolled around, I kept waiting for my stomach to turn into knots, for the first-day jitters to kick in, and for me to stress about the decision I had made.  Yet, as much as I anticipated them to arrive, they never did.  I went to bed at a decent time, woke up 7 times to go to the bathroom and to take my contraction medication, but each time I crawled (these days it’s more of a roll if I’m being honest) back into bed and fell asleep quickly.  I woke up at 6 to my alarm, and I felt somewhat refreshed.  (Seriously these days sleep is pretty hard to find so the fact I felt refreshed is HUGE!)

I got up for work, reminded the kids we had to leave on time, I had gone through the changes and schedule updates with them last night as explained the importance of being ready.  And I watched in amazement as our normally rushed, crazy, hectic morning seemed to flow smoothly, with only a couple minor snags.  Even Isabelle, who normally throws several fits, complains she doesn’t want to go to school but wants to stay home and have Paw Patrol adventures with Nana and Papa, was doing what we asked without a fight.  I was afraid to say anything. 

At 6:47 am, just two minutes after our goal departure time, we were backing out of the driveway, with only one child upset.  Seriously, this is a HUGE victory.  Jarrett jumped in the driver’s seat, turned on the car and as the radio came on, “Shut Up and Dance” came on.  I smiled, turned it up and we all started singing.  Isabelle shouted “Baby Noah’s song” and I felt in my heart, it was another reminder, I was reassured, I had made the right decision.

We dropped Isabelle off at school, then the boys, told them to have a good day and soon enough it was just Dad and I in the car.  We turned the radio back up so we could hear, having turned it off before to talk with the boys before school, and beginning our first drive together Downtown, Noah’s song came on again.  I turned the radio back up and as I put my hand down on the center console, Dad reached across to grab it.  Our son was there with us this morning.  When I was needing a reminder or a bit of reassurance we were doing the right thing, I felt him.  I realize how strange this may sound or just like a coincidence, but it really does mean something to me… I have to believe they are my signs.

And if I needed any more reassurance, when I got to my new workspace today and sat down, I looked over at the empty desk next to mine.  There it was…

Just a little sign to say, “I’m here Mom, you’ve got this.” 

I fought back tears (happy tears, reassurance tears, tears of missing my son), and told myself there was no crying on the first day at a new job.   I’m proud of myself… I made it to lunch until the tears came as I looked at the picture of the rainbow and thought about how grateful I am for where we are (33 weeks plus) and beginning a new journey.  A happy one, a blessed one.

So I started a new job today and yes I’m 33 weeks pregnant. Some may think I'm crazy or even out of my mind, but I feel in my heart, it was the right decision.

Until next time,

Angie

Sweetie Pie

Before I jump into talking about the baby's name, I thought I'd give a quick update about how the week has transpired.

After our scare on Monday, Jarrett and I made trips to the doctor on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Thankfully, the doctors were wonderful in helping us figure out the best plan of action to try and keep these contractions at bay.  Also in meeting with Dr. A on Wednesday, he pretty clearly laid out that for the remainder of this pregnancy I need to accept the fact that contractions are going to be a part.  While he did it in a nice, supportive way, it was good for me to hear the info put to me pretty straight forward.  I've been so scared about her coming early that I've convinced myself mentally that any day before 37 weeks is too soon. Dr. A said, while we would like her to wait to come until after 36 weeks, let's try to just get you to 34 weeks.  And then I said, "What happens if she comes sooner, like now?"  He looked me in the eye and said, "Angie, she will be in the NICU but she's going to be okay."  Hearing him say that was just what I needed to release one more level of stress I've carried around from the beginning.    He also said, "You're almost to 34 weeks, its only 10 days away... you are going to get there.  I'm confident."  

Hearing him say 10 days I realized we are a lot closer than I was allowing my mind to process.  To me I feel like I'm suppose to still be pregnancy for 52 more days, to get to May 22, but the reality is... we probably have many fewer days.  

Walking out of the office, and processing with Jarrett, our next goal is only 10 days away, I realized I need to get my butt in gear... we actually need to start preparing for her arrival.  Talk about the nesting feeling kicking into high gear... only I've been told to take it very easy or bed rest is the next step.  On the way home, it hit me while we've had my hospital bag packed since week 22, I have never thought of packing anything for the baby.  I don't even know, do you have to pack anything for the baby or does the hospital have all the stuff she would need?  I asked Dad, to which he looked even more at a loss than me.  

Since Wednesday, actually earlier in the week I've been doing my best to take things very easy, growing more accepting with the reality that contractions are just going to be my reality and preparing myself mentally that she could come at any time.  I've also accepted the fact that with the Nifedipine, I'm also going to just feel crappy.  And I'll willingly take that if it isn't hurting her, and keeps her inside for even a few days more.  

As we anticipate her arrival, the question we get more and more is "have you decided upon her name?"  Jarrett and I have talked a few times about names we like and ideas we have and while we've narrowed down the list to our final few, we haven't officially picked one name.  At this point we have our top three names and have decided to wait to meet her before we make our final decision.

That being said, however if you'd ask Isabelle about the baby's name she'll proudly tell you what she thinks her name is going to be.  Yesterday when I picked Isabelle up from school, I walked into her classroom to which Isabelle shouted, "Momma, followed by my baby!" and ran up to touch my belly.  Ms. Samantha walked toward the door and said, "Isabelle talks about her all day long."  As Ms. Samantha and I talked, Isabelle invited all of her little friends to come over to meet her baby sister.  Isabelle said, "Do you want to touch my baby sister, you can touch my momma's tummy."  It makes me smile to see Isabelle's so excited but I do have to admit, I wasn't so sure how I was going to feel about 14-4 year olds, with who knows what kinds of germs or sickness they had, touching my belly.  

After I decided to distract Isabelle and her friends from racing to rub my stomach, I heard Ms. Samantha say, "Isabelle shared with the class today the name of her baby sister."  I turned to look at Ms. Samantha and I said, "Oh?"  She continued,  "Well I asked Isabelle if her baby sister had a name and she said yes."  I continued listening.  "Isabelle tells me the baby's name is going to be Sweetie Pie."  I started laughing and said, "Isabelle asked me if we could call the baby Sweetie Pie and I told her yes, now I think she thinks we are actually going to call the baby that."  To which Ms. Samantha said, "Um yes, I think she thinks that's the baby's name because when she told me the name (several times) she was very serious. "  Samantha continued, "That's why I decided to ask you, because I thought well maybe they are really going to call her that."  I laughed and said, "While we love the name Sweetie Pie for a nickname, I can tell you that isn't one of the actual names we are considering."  Ms. Samantha smiled and said, "I'll be excited to see what 'Sweetie Pie's' actual name is."  

So little Sweetie Pie, we are thankful you are still inside and that we are just two days away from 33 weeks.  While we won't make you go through your whole life with the name Sweetie Pie, we may just nickname you our littlest Sweetie Pie for the next several days (hopefully weeks).  We know your big sister approves of the name, and I think its a pretty cute nickname too.  

Until next time,

Angie