And not a day, nor an hour since his birth has passed that he hasn't been in my mind and in my heart. As we look forward to the future and what it may bring, the reality will always exist, that my heart feels incomplete and that I will always miss my little boy.
In the 10 months it has been since Noah was born, we (all of us) have become different people. His life, his presence, his small, but powerful spirit changed us in a way that make us forever different. I'm okay with that, I am better off because of him.
Noah and his short life taught me that what we have here is temporary, he reminds me what really matters, and he gives me courage to not be afraid of things I previously would have feared. Noah also continues to give me something to look forward to.... to the day when I will meet him again. I dream of that day, long in the future. As an elderly woman who has done what she was put on this earth to do. I dream that he will come, take my hand as its time to leave, and hopefully lead me to Heaven. It might be morbid for others to read about the dream I have, but for me, it gives me peace. For on that day, I will get to know my son, the son I had to say goodbye to too soon.
Until that time, that day long in the future, I have accepted the reality that I must be patient, that Noah will wait for me, for us and that my focus for my family and children here is my current duty... a role I happily accept and live for each day.
As much as I wish I could feel his strong presence by my side each and everyday, I know he is with me. Somedays I feel him more than others. This past weekend I was reminded that his legacy continues, not just in my heart but in the minds and hearts of others who were shaped by his life too.
Friday night, my dear friend Jane sent me this beautiful picture and the caption...
"I will never ever see a rainbow and not think of Noah and you. :-)"
Seeing her beautiful picture, I immediately felt happiness in my heart, and then I read her caption. Understanding that Noah's life had a permanent imprint in her life, makes me find so much peace. I think in life we all want to make a difference, to matter, to have purpose. How proud of a mom do I get to be that in a life of only 12 days, my little angel, his life, made a permanent difference. I feel so honored to be his mother.
And then my cousin Andrea sent this...
"Noah is with us at Country Thunder."
Isn't that double rainbow beautiful? Looking at her picture I felt like I was looking up to Heaven with a banner in the sky that says, "I'm always with you Mom."
The pictures of rainbows from others are like messengers delivering the news Noah knows my heart needs to hear.
Getting those pictures sent to me made me smile and provided me reassurance that while he's gone, he's never fully left us. And if I needed any more reminders, on Saturday evening, I slipped out of the house to run to Walgreens to pick up my prescription for more contraction medication.
Walking out of the house, I got into the car, turned to fasten my seat belt when out the window I saw it.
As small and subtle as it could be, it still stopped me still. I crawled back out of the car, walked back inside the house and asked Jarrett to come out with me.
I said Jarrett, look, its almost a tiny rainbow reflecting off the sun. As I looked closer at the clouds it formed on top of, it reminded me of angel wings, and I felt in m heart, it was my tiniest angel saying, "Here I am... Here I am."
I spoke out loud, "Thank you Noah." and I proceeded to buckle my seat belt and continued on. I drove down the street to the end of our block, turned right, went to the stop sign, and looked back again to see the sign from my son. It was gone and I knew in my heart, what I had just seen was something not intended to last long. It was him, just saying hi.
Life without my baby in my arms is not the way I would have written our story to play out. Never would I been able to say goodbye if I wasn't forced to. And while my heart will forever ache in missing him, in longing for his touch, I've learned to find peace, acceptance in being with my son in other ways.
Instead of thinking about what he would be doing now at 10 months old, I instead think about how wonderful his life must be in Heaven. How his presence is with me in other ways and how someday we will hopefully be together again.
Ten months ago today, my son made me a believer that miracles really do happen. The odds of him making it through all the challenges he faced, and yet he still entered this world with the tiniest of cries and the determination to fight as much as he could, will stay with me forever.
The miracle didn't end when his time here on earth did, the miracle for me continues, as he lives on in me, in my family, in each of us and in so many of you.
Noah James, Mommy loves you always. I will miss you forever.
Until we meet again, part of my heart will be your companion.
Until next time,
Angie
No comments:
Post a Comment