33 Weeks: Showered in blessings

Today I am officially closer to 34 weeks than 33 weeks and boy am I so thankful to be here.  In two days we will turn another page in our planner, write down 34 weeks and celebrate.  We've made it to our goal.

I definitely feel like my body is giving me signs her arrival is drawing near, and for the first time in the past 8 months, I am okay with it.  What a drastic change from the fear and worry that has crippled me through this pregnancy journey.

They say the end of pregnancy isn't for the faint of heart, and I guess I'm starting to see why.  I've officially hit the "I'm uncomfortable" stage, and the "tired of feeling yucky" point.  I remind myself that this is such a special time in my life, something I've always wanted and to be thankful, even for the hard parts.

I've found myself in the past few weeks becoming more like a waddling penguin, than a person.  My back seems to finally reached a point where its not comfortable in sustaining the basketball on the front of my stomach, and my body feels like its swelling in places I didn't realize would swell (i.e. my toes).

Sleep has pretty much become foreign to me, between the trips to the bathroom, the pills I take every 4 hours and the sickness that accompanies the Nifedipine, I've watched A LOT of The Office over the past week... I'm thinking I might actually finish the entire series before she comes.  That's about all I can truly say I've accomplished in the last several months.  At least its something right? ;-)

Yet despite me spending the last 4 paragraphs complaining, I wouldn't change this feeling, aches or pains for anything else.  This is my dream coming true, and I haven't forgotten for a second, just how big of a blessing this is.

This week, week 33 brought the start (or actual continuation) of my twice a week doctors appointments, yet this time we are now having a weekly ultrasound to see how the baby is, followed by another appointment 3 days later where the baby and I get to do a non-stress test to make sure she is well.

While the contractions are no longer 6 minutes a part, they have remained constant, continuous and sometimes really strong.  Yesterday I did not feel well all day and tried to take things extra easy.  Isabelle was home with me and one of the 80 times a day she calls for me to come help her, I got up and walked to her room.   Its common for me that every time I get up to walk, I will have a contraction, so when it happened this time I didn't think much of it. As I got to her room, Isabelle needed help putting on her shoes so I went and sat on her chair, bent over slightly to help her and sat there for a minute afterwards to just let everything relax.  I then went to stand up to go back to my spot on the couch when a really strong contraction came on, it took away my breath, shot pains through my back and stomach and took my breath away.  I bend over her dresser and tried to breath through it.  After a minute or so the pain finally let up and I was able to go back to the couch to rest.  Having those strong contractions reminded me, of the fun labor pains that await.

Earlier this week we got to see baby girl again on the ultrasound and each time I see her I fall farther and farther in love.  My anticipation for her arrival grows and the dreams of what our life together will be like, grow rapidly in my mind.  I've finally allowed myself to think... she will come home with us.  I just pray that my thoughts become my reality.

Baby girl had 30 minutes this week to perform show off some of her skills.  I can't remember everything she was supposed to do in the time allotted... I think show signs of practice breathing, stretch a couple of times and move her arms and legs were a few of them.  Our wonderful friend Marybeth who has been there for us each week for so many months, said sometimes babies take the full 30 minutes and sometimes they finish right away.  As she put the wand on my stomach, it was clear baby girl was awake and active.  About 4 minutes later, after seeing her cute round belly rise and fall, her kick her legs and move her arms, and wiggle around my belly, Marybeth said, "Well, she's basically done everything we need her to do!"  Again she had passed her test with flying colors.  My little overachiever. :-)

Thankfully Marybeth allowed me to watch her for a few more minutes and captured some great photos.  Baby girl has continued to fill out, now sporting a cute little fat roll along her wrist.  Each time I see her I think about Isabelle as a baby and how tiny thin she was.  Seeing "Sweetie Pie" I'm thinking she's going to be the exact opposite.  What fun it will be to see her on the outside.

Here are some pictures from this week's ultrasound...

 This scan type is supposed to reflect the actual texture of skin and what she'd look like on the outside.  Isn't it amazing the detail they can see in these pictures?

 See her little wrist with the start of her crease in her hand.  I think its the cutest thing ever and can't wait to kiss those little hands.

 She was willing to let us see her face for a few great shots...

And then she crossed her hands in front of her face and said, "Enough pictures for today!"  Look at those long fingers. 

Returning home after the ultrasound I realized that my time with her riding along with me inside, is coming to an end and my nesting urges kicked in.  Thankfully I am feeling like we are pretty much ready to meet her.  Her clothes have been washed (thanks Nana and Papa), we have her car seat installed (again thanks Nana and Papa) and we have all the supplies I think we could need to welcome her into our lives (thanks to so many).

And speaking of supplies given by so many, I want to conclude this post by sharing that we were again showered in great love this past weekend as two of my greatest friends hosting a baby shower for us.  Janelle and Sonya, (and their families) have been truly remarkable to me and our family from the very beginning but especially this past year.  They were pillars of strength for me, for our family and extended loved ones as we journeyed with Noah, celebrating with us as we told them we were expecting our son Noah, being oh so supportive and helpful while we were in the hospital with Noah, providing unending support, love and kindness in our grief and now showering us with so much love as we look forward to continuing on with life and our littlest blessing.  I don't know how I was blessed with their amazing friendship, but its been life saving for me to have them in my life.  

Sonya and Janelle hosted a beautiful party and so many wonderful friends were able to come.  I loved getting to see friends I hadn't seen in a long time and to sharing a beautiful morning together.  While their time in being together was gift enough, so many generous and very wonderful gifts were shared with us.  Here are some photos of the fun we shared...

Isn't that the prettiest diaper cake ever?  Thanks Jane for creating such a masterpiece!  I'm afraid to use any of the diapers as I don't want to take apart such a beautiful creation!

Isabelle and her friend Matt, helped me open the gifts.  This big box of diapers was a two man project!

Thank you Janelle, Sonya and so many great friends for celebrating this joyous time.  We are so thankful for the support and love shared with us.  And thank you for helping us get prepared.


And while us girls were having fun being showered in love, Dad and his boys had a busy morning playing too.  They had Gabriel's baseball game, followed by lunch at Panda Express (the boys' favorite) and then got to go bowling.  Here they are "pretending" to be exhausted from their busy morning!

Until next time,
Angie

Dear Mom...

Tonight's post comes from my son Michael.

Everyday after school, I ask the boys to write a journal entry for 20 minutes.  I think there are many benefits to writing in a journal.... not only does it give them practice in writing (a skill I think is so important), but it also allows them learn the process of being able to take their thoughts swimming around in their mind and put them down on paper, and finally, its good practice for them to improve their grammar, spelling, punctuation and proofreading skills.

Most days the boys fight me on writing even though they can write about anything they'd like.  They sloppily put down a few sentences and hope we are too worn down to make them rewrite it or fix it.  Some days they surprise me.  Today was one of those days.

Tonight after school I was given the most beautiful letter (or journal entry) from Michael.  It was completely out of the blue and he said he just wanted me to know how he felt.

I'll let you read for yourself.  As Michael read me his beautiful letter, I couldn't help but think of all the times I've failed him, all the mistakes I've made in being his mother and how I wish I could go back and do them all over again.  But as he read his note, I also realized that he knows I'm not perfect and that I've made mistakes (lots of them), but still he loves me, despite all my flaws.

I told Michael his letter was the best note I've ever received from my children and that I will cherish it forever.  And that is the truth.  I've made a lot of mistakes as a mom, Michael knows he knows how to push my buttons, but at the end of the day he still loves me and I love him.  Isn't that the basic definition of family?

I proudly share with you the beautiful letter from my son Michael...

Dear Mom,

I love your smile you have every time you wake up.  When I see it, I know I am going to have the best day ever. Your smile is so pretty, as pretty as you are.  I never will know how much you love me.  I love you to the stars and even higher and back.  Even though I can cause you stress, I will never stop loving you.  Because you are my mom and more.  Without you I would be on the street because you provide everything for me.  All my moms, my birth-mom, foster mom and you, I know you are the right one and I will, and have known it from the beginning to the end.  You are like the sun because you shine and shine for me.  You've treated me the best I could ever ask for and now I will do the same.

Love, Michael

I'm one honored and deeply touched mom tonight.  Its moments like this that will stay in my heart forever.

Until next time,

Angie

Support...

There have been so many blessings in this pregnancy, I’ve started writing a list of the blessings and find that it is so long, I get interrupted because it is taking me so long to record them all. 

I’ve talked before about how this pregnancy and how baby girl is a saving grace, in how I approached life and the will to keep going, but I don’t feel I’ve given credit where credit is due in why I’m still pregnant today.

The truth is, we have been truly supported in so many ways with this pregnancy.  Early on, when we first learned we were pregnant, Jarrett vowed he would do what ever he could to step up and take on the roles I was carrying, thus allowing me to focus fully on growing the baby.  Before we told anyone about our news, Jarrett took on full responsibility with the kids, taking care of their homework, the drop offs, the pick ups, the breaking-up-of-arguments between them, cooking ( aka ordering out for dad), you name it.  This meant Jarrett’s long list of duties really never ended and while his sleeping hours suffered and stressed waned, he never complained.  Instead he’d tell me to go lay down, ask me what he could bring me and attended to all our needs.  To this moment, he is still shouldering so much of the weight and reminding me, “Keep your eye on the prize.”  This morning on our way into work, I told him I’m ready to come of the DL (Disabled List) in the near future (VERY near future).

When we got to a point past the first trimester we filled in our parents and my aunt and uncle (who live down the street) who have been amazing sources of support.  When we shared the news our family was excited for us but also concerned about us and wanted to do anything and everything they could to help us.  Jarrett and I, while we try most times to be self sufficient and take on our responsibilities fully; this time we willingly and openly accepted all help we could get.  I think we learned through losing Noah, that it was others carrying us through that got us to where we are today. Asking for help doesn’t mean you are weak and unable, it just means you are welcoming the love and support from others to get through lifes’ challenges.

So we welcomed support and boy have we been blessed.  My aunt and uncle and their daughters have helped us watch Isabelle and volunteered to take the boys to activities to give us one less child to care for. Anita has made countless trips to the grocery store, brought us meals when I was “busy” cooking a baby on the couch, and served as our “on-call” point of contact for those middle of the night trips/after work calls when I need to go to the hospital. 

And then there’s Nana and Papa.  Like my placenta is to my baby girl growing inside of me, Nana and Papa have been the life blood of support for our family (how that for a slightly too graphic but totally pregnancy related metaphor- sorry my brain is pretty much gone these days). J  The minute we shared the news with Nana and Papa they vowed to be here with us through every step of this pregnancy and they would do what ever they could to support.  The reality is, they have done everything we could have ever asked for and a million more things.  The list of support they have given us is where I can’t find an ending to.  From cleaning (and I mean better than I have ever done) our house weekly (or sometimes more often), to making us meals--- so many, grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, decorating our house for the holidays, washing our clothes, fixing everything we break, racing across town and back in a single afternoon during rush hour traffic to get a piece for our ice maker so I could have ice water to drink, assembling the crib, the stroller, the pack-n-play, the swing, installing the car seat, putting stuff in our attic, taking Jack on countless walks, racing to our house in the middle of the night, the middle of the day, the crack of dawn, watching the kids, taking Isabelle on millions of Paw Patrol adventures… like I said, I could keep going forever.  Suffice to say, they have taken on more than I could have ever asked for or dreamed and never once hesitated in their commitment to our family and goal of bringing home our daughter. 

I can only hope that someday I am there for our grown children in the way Nana and Papa have been there for us.

And as I specifically list the efforts of Anita, Andy, Nana and Papa, the truth is there have been so many of you that have provided us so much love and support from early on and continue to do so now.  The text messages to check in, the sharing of prayers for us and our children, the gift baskets of support, the meals, the cards in the mail just to say… you were in my thoughts today, so many ways we’ve been lifted up.  And I'm so so grateful for you.  Forgive me for not listing you individually, but please know your care will always be remembered and has kept me, kept us going.  We will be eternally grateful.

 

Until next time,

Angie

The right decision...

Today I started a new job.  I know what you are thinking… who starts a new job when they are 33 weeks pregnant?  Seriously, I know.  Even my high-risk doctor said, “Are you out of your mind?” (he was joking) when he heard I wanted to push back our normal weekly “date” so I could make a good first impression at my new job this week.   

While it may seem odd or against the norm, this is one of those life moments when I really felt God played a part in making this come to fruition.  See almost 4 months ago, I learned about a new part-time opportunity with the College of Nursing and Health Innovation that would allow me to get back into event planning, while also getting to work with alumni and community partners.  After several friends sent me the job posting and said, “you should look into this”, I decided I would.

While I loved working with so many of my colleagues at my previous place of employment, when I read this job description, I felt really connected with what the position entailed. This position would pull me out of my comfort zone, make me learn new things again and also take me to a different location.  Instead of working in Tempe, just 7 short miles from our home, this position is downtown, in the heart of metro Phoenix.  While the thought of fighting traffic for 17 miles both ways was enough to scare me from applying, Jarrett reminded me his work was only 3 blocks away, that we could car pool and that I’d be saving money, A LOT of money on parking (or no parking fees).  Plus he said (again), we can carpool and actually talk to one another (we primarily communicate via text as we race from one thing to the next).  After thinking about it and hearing him tell me over and over I wouldn’t be the one driving in rush hour traffic, I applied. 

This is where I feel God played a part in shaping everything that happened.  Several weeks after I applied, I was called to set up an interview.  It was set for Wednesday, January 20^th, the same day as my 22 week ultrasound…. the ultrasound that showed very clear signs I was going into early labor. The same ultrasound where I left with instructions to keep my phone close, as they gave me instructions if I should go to the hospital or just stay in bed.  The ultrasound that left me on bedrest for 2 weeks.  I walked out of the doctor’s office, with only 45 minutes before I was supposed to be downtown interviewing for this position.  I called my doctor’s nurse, asked if I could go to the interview, to which she said, I would not recommend doing anything other than laying in the bed.  I agreed, this baby was the most important and I couldn’t risk doing anything to have her come early.

So I called the contact I had for the interview and explained how sorry I was but that due to an unforeseen medical situation, I was going to have to cancel.  They were wonderful in telling me they were sorry to hear I was ill but would call me the following week to see about rescheduling.  I thanked them, apologized again, and crawled into bed.

The following week I heard from them, asking to reschedule the interview, and being that I was still on bedrest, I told them how sorry I was but that I was going to have to remove myself from consideration as I needed to focus on my health.  They were extremely understanding and asked me if they ever re-posted the position or had a similar one in the future if I would like to be on a list to be contacted.  I told them absolutely I would be interested and thanked them for the opportunity.

Several weeks went by, I was released from bed and given the chance to go back to work and thought I would be happily at my previous place of employment until well after the baby was born, or longer.  However I always wondered what happened with that position and that it was a bummer I never got the chance to learn more about it.  That’s when, out of the blue, I got a message from the same person who called me about the job earlier.  She reached out to ask me if there was any chance I was still interested in their position.  Reading her email I got very excited as I had honestly thought about that job almost on a daily basis and wondered if I had missed out on a great opportunity.  I responded right away and said I was and that I would love to talk with them if that would be at all possible.

I also told them I needed to be upfront and honest though, that I was 6 months pregnant, with a high risk pregnancy and that I didn’t know if having someone who would want to take leave soon after starting would work with their hiring needs or plans.  I was honest and knew full well, my “situation” may not work for them.  If that was true for their hiring needs, I wasn’t going to feel bad.  It was just the way it was.  Again, I can’t imagine being in charge of a program and hiring someone who would only want to take leave right after starting…  not ideal.  I sent the email detailing everything and hoped it would be received positively.  I then crossed my fingers, and continued to hit refresh on my phone until I saw her message pop up a few minutes later.

They congratulated me on my pregnancy, said they were a very family oriented office and if I was willing they wanted to set up an interview.  The following week, I met the director of the program and the members of her team. From the moment I was greeted in the lobby, throughout the interview and leaving the building, I was treated so kindly, so warmly welcomed, and felt like I had walked into a family. I felt at home and I had just met them. 

In the following couple of weeks I talked with them, they asked me follow up questions, I met with their Dean and each time felt like I was being called to make a change.  I then received an offer and knew in my heart, it was time for me to take my next career step.   While I enjoyed working with so many of my friends at my previous employment…they were the ones that supported me through Noah’s pregnancy, those very difficult days of returning to the office after he passed, and the joyous celebration of anticipation in bringing home our daughter, I just felt I was being called to take this opportunity.

This position, allows me to continue working part time, a flexible schedule to be there for my family and allows me to work on a small team-oriented office.  These are qualities that are so important to me in my career and in my life…. For the title I value most isn’t the one printed on my business cards, it’s the one I hear 100’s of times a day… “Mom”. 

Going to bed last night I wondered how I would sleep.  Most people doesn’t sleep all that great on the night before they begin their new job right?  As the evening rolled around, I kept waiting for my stomach to turn into knots, for the first-day jitters to kick in, and for me to stress about the decision I had made.  Yet, as much as I anticipated them to arrive, they never did.  I went to bed at a decent time, woke up 7 times to go to the bathroom and to take my contraction medication, but each time I crawled (these days it’s more of a roll if I’m being honest) back into bed and fell asleep quickly.  I woke up at 6 to my alarm, and I felt somewhat refreshed.  (Seriously these days sleep is pretty hard to find so the fact I felt refreshed is HUGE!)

I got up for work, reminded the kids we had to leave on time, I had gone through the changes and schedule updates with them last night as explained the importance of being ready.  And I watched in amazement as our normally rushed, crazy, hectic morning seemed to flow smoothly, with only a couple minor snags.  Even Isabelle, who normally throws several fits, complains she doesn’t want to go to school but wants to stay home and have Paw Patrol adventures with Nana and Papa, was doing what we asked without a fight.  I was afraid to say anything. 

At 6:47 am, just two minutes after our goal departure time, we were backing out of the driveway, with only one child upset.  Seriously, this is a HUGE victory.  Jarrett jumped in the driver’s seat, turned on the car and as the radio came on, “Shut Up and Dance” came on.  I smiled, turned it up and we all started singing.  Isabelle shouted “Baby Noah’s song” and I felt in my heart, it was another reminder, I was reassured, I had made the right decision.

We dropped Isabelle off at school, then the boys, told them to have a good day and soon enough it was just Dad and I in the car.  We turned the radio back up so we could hear, having turned it off before to talk with the boys before school, and beginning our first drive together Downtown, Noah’s song came on again.  I turned the radio back up and as I put my hand down on the center console, Dad reached across to grab it.  Our son was there with us this morning.  When I was needing a reminder or a bit of reassurance we were doing the right thing, I felt him.  I realize how strange this may sound or just like a coincidence, but it really does mean something to me… I have to believe they are my signs.

And if I needed any more reassurance, when I got to my new workspace today and sat down, I looked over at the empty desk next to mine.  There it was…

Just a little sign to say, “I’m here Mom, you’ve got this.” 

I fought back tears (happy tears, reassurance tears, tears of missing my son), and told myself there was no crying on the first day at a new job.   I’m proud of myself… I made it to lunch until the tears came as I looked at the picture of the rainbow and thought about how grateful I am for where we are (33 weeks plus) and beginning a new journey.  A happy one, a blessed one.

So I started a new job today and yes I’m 33 weeks pregnant. Some may think I'm crazy or even out of my mind, but I feel in my heart, it was the right decision.

Until next time,

Angie

Sweetie Pie

Before I jump into talking about the baby's name, I thought I'd give a quick update about how the week has transpired.

After our scare on Monday, Jarrett and I made trips to the doctor on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Thankfully, the doctors were wonderful in helping us figure out the best plan of action to try and keep these contractions at bay.  Also in meeting with Dr. A on Wednesday, he pretty clearly laid out that for the remainder of this pregnancy I need to accept the fact that contractions are going to be a part.  While he did it in a nice, supportive way, it was good for me to hear the info put to me pretty straight forward.  I've been so scared about her coming early that I've convinced myself mentally that any day before 37 weeks is too soon. Dr. A said, while we would like her to wait to come until after 36 weeks, let's try to just get you to 34 weeks.  And then I said, "What happens if she comes sooner, like now?"  He looked me in the eye and said, "Angie, she will be in the NICU but she's going to be okay."  Hearing him say that was just what I needed to release one more level of stress I've carried around from the beginning.    He also said, "You're almost to 34 weeks, its only 10 days away... you are going to get there.  I'm confident."  

Hearing him say 10 days I realized we are a lot closer than I was allowing my mind to process.  To me I feel like I'm suppose to still be pregnancy for 52 more days, to get to May 22, but the reality is... we probably have many fewer days.  

Walking out of the office, and processing with Jarrett, our next goal is only 10 days away, I realized I need to get my butt in gear... we actually need to start preparing for her arrival.  Talk about the nesting feeling kicking into high gear... only I've been told to take it very easy or bed rest is the next step.  On the way home, it hit me while we've had my hospital bag packed since week 22, I have never thought of packing anything for the baby.  I don't even know, do you have to pack anything for the baby or does the hospital have all the stuff she would need?  I asked Dad, to which he looked even more at a loss than me.  

Since Wednesday, actually earlier in the week I've been doing my best to take things very easy, growing more accepting with the reality that contractions are just going to be my reality and preparing myself mentally that she could come at any time.  I've also accepted the fact that with the Nifedipine, I'm also going to just feel crappy.  And I'll willingly take that if it isn't hurting her, and keeps her inside for even a few days more.  

As we anticipate her arrival, the question we get more and more is "have you decided upon her name?"  Jarrett and I have talked a few times about names we like and ideas we have and while we've narrowed down the list to our final few, we haven't officially picked one name.  At this point we have our top three names and have decided to wait to meet her before we make our final decision.

That being said, however if you'd ask Isabelle about the baby's name she'll proudly tell you what she thinks her name is going to be.  Yesterday when I picked Isabelle up from school, I walked into her classroom to which Isabelle shouted, "Momma, followed by my baby!" and ran up to touch my belly.  Ms. Samantha walked toward the door and said, "Isabelle talks about her all day long."  As Ms. Samantha and I talked, Isabelle invited all of her little friends to come over to meet her baby sister.  Isabelle said, "Do you want to touch my baby sister, you can touch my momma's tummy."  It makes me smile to see Isabelle's so excited but I do have to admit, I wasn't so sure how I was going to feel about 14-4 year olds, with who knows what kinds of germs or sickness they had, touching my belly.  

After I decided to distract Isabelle and her friends from racing to rub my stomach, I heard Ms. Samantha say, "Isabelle shared with the class today the name of her baby sister."  I turned to look at Ms. Samantha and I said, "Oh?"  She continued,  "Well I asked Isabelle if her baby sister had a name and she said yes."  I continued listening.  "Isabelle tells me the baby's name is going to be Sweetie Pie."  I started laughing and said, "Isabelle asked me if we could call the baby Sweetie Pie and I told her yes, now I think she thinks we are actually going to call the baby that."  To which Ms. Samantha said, "Um yes, I think she thinks that's the baby's name because when she told me the name (several times) she was very serious. "  Samantha continued, "That's why I decided to ask you, because I thought well maybe they are really going to call her that."  I laughed and said, "While we love the name Sweetie Pie for a nickname, I can tell you that isn't one of the actual names we are considering."  Ms. Samantha smiled and said, "I'll be excited to see what 'Sweetie Pie's' actual name is."  

So little Sweetie Pie, we are thankful you are still inside and that we are just two days away from 33 weeks.  While we won't make you go through your whole life with the name Sweetie Pie, we may just nickname you our littlest Sweetie Pie for the next several days (hopefully weeks).  We know your big sister approves of the name, and I think its a pretty cute nickname too.  

Until next time,

Angie

What a week.... highs and lows

Thinking back to the last 7 days, I have no other way to fully describe it than to say, "What a week."

Last Wednesday we celebrated Michael's 9th birthday.  In lieu of a celebration Michael decided he instead wanted to spend the money on a new bicycle and a dinner out.  Wednesday afternoon, Dad and I picked up Michael early from school and went together to help him pick out his new big kid bike.  Its crazy how a very quick trip to Target, one where I found a spot on the end cap to sit the whole time is a huge outing for me these days.  Gone are the days when I "run" to the store to grab groceries, or to to the library to pick up books and movies for the kids.  Literally, the last several months have consisted primarily of me driving to work, getting a ride to my office, sitting at my desk, getting a ride back to the car, driving home and resting.  What will it feel like to be able to be more active again?  I'm not sure.  Wow, quite the tangent... back to Michael's birthday.

He was so excited he got to pick out a new bicycle and helmet, and Dad and I agreed to pay a certain amount, Michael also put forth some of his money to help pay too.  We've found the boys have a whole new appreciation for how much things cost and are wiling to take better care of things when their money is invested in their new possession. Dad and I are fans of this new appreciation.

While we didn't have a celebration, we did buy a huge A&* cake.  Sadly I think I've eaten well over a 1/3 of it myself!  The night of Michael's birthday as we said goodnight he said he felt like his 9th birthday was one of his best.  It made me happy to hear that despite keeping things very low key this year (primarily for the restrictions I'm under) that he still found his day to be special.  Happy birthday Michael, we all love you!

On Friday, Good Friday, we honored the meaning of the day by remembering the sacrifice our God has made by dying for our sins.  We went to church at noon and just like it is every month on the 25th I walked around feeling more emotional and sad for knowing we have made it through another month without our precious Noah in our arms.  Walking into church that afternoon, the memories of his funeral hit me instantly.  For some reason the church smelled exactly like it had on the day of his service.  The church was dimly lit to honor the mourning we feel in Jesus' sacrifice and all of it, every aspect reminded me that while we were remembering the son that died for our sins, my heart was feeling the son that died in my arms.  There were several times throughout the service I had to stop and try to gather my composure.  Several songs reminded me of the great loss I feel in missing Noah.  As the service began and the lights in the sanctuary were dimmed, I happened to look up a few minutes into the service and noticed to the left of the cross, appearing along the wall was a rainbow.  It had to be coming from the stained glass windows and the sun light shining through them up onto the wall.  I reached over, tapped Jarrett on the shoulder, and when he looked at me, tears had already welled in his eyes.  He had seen it too.  No words needed to be spoken.  While I didn't know the time exactly, I am confident it was about 10 minutes into the noon service... about the exact same time our son's heart became still exactly 9 months earlier.

I cannot imagine what Mary must have gone through watching her son die such a horrific death, but if there is one thing I do feel I can relate to, is knowing the emptiness in her heart she had to have felt in losing her precious child.

After church Jarrett and I walked out with the kids.  Once in the car the kids asked for the radio to be turned on and as they were singing away, I reached across the console for Jarrett's hand.  Emotional and fighting back tears I said, "I couldn't help but think of Noah through that entire service."  Jarrett said, "You know, the moment we walked into the church today, everything reminded me of Noah's funeral.  The smell, the lighting, everything about it, make me feel like we were back there reliving that day."  I turned to him, and said, "Jarrett I thought the exact same thing.  It was exactly like we were reliving it."  And then I said, "Wasn't it crazy that rainbow appeared?"  He said, "Yes I saw it and thought of him right away."  I then asked, "Did you realize about what time it appeared?" Jarrett squeezed my hand, I knew he couldn't get the words out, so I said it for him... Dad it had to be about 12:10.  We both sat in silence the rest of the drive home, yet the messages from our hearts spilled out and through one another through the embrace of our hands.  It was Good Friday... a day of reflection, a day of honoring the sacrifices made for us, and a day to remember our sons... the son of God and our son Noah.

The sunset on the day of Noah's funeral. 

 As emotional as Friday was, we looked forward to Saturday as it gave us a chance to celebrate our newest princess and the joy we feel as we anticipate her arrival.  We were so blessed and thankful to be showered in love by some family and close friends.  Jarrett's parents and my aunt Anita and her girls (all people who have been so wonderfully supportive and carried us through the last several months) hosted a shower at our house.  We felt so loved and cared for and it was nice to see everyone I haven't seen in a long time.  We are so thankful for the support and love shared with us.

Isabelle is very excited to meet her baby sister.

We played a game where everyone had to cut a string as long as they thought my belly is around.  Here's Alicia measuring her string around my growing belly.

And of course we had to have more yummy cake!

On Saturday afternoon, we decided it was time to color eggs for the Easter bunny.  While I will forever remember Easter as the holiday when we first shared with the world we were expecting Noah, we try to still carry on with the traditions that make us smile and bring us together to celebrate.  Dying Easter eggs is one of those traditions.

On Easter morning the kids got up extra early, way too early, as they were excited to see what treats were awaiting them.  It actually turned out to be a blessing they got up so early as we were still racing to get to church on time.  After church I told the family I wanted to take a family picture as I'm not sure how many more pictures we'll get to take with the basketball in my stomach, before baby girl makes her debut.  So we attempted to take a family portrait.  Many many bad photos later, several attempts to tell each kid to smile and to open their eyes, we finally got a couple that will pass.

Hard to believe they can be getting so big!

Easter was a beautiful day not only in that we got to celebrate Jesus's rising from the tomb, but we got to spend time with family and the fact that we had reached yet another goal... 32 weeks.

This was the milestone Dr. A told me over a month ago that if we got to this point we would celebrate.  And we did.  All day long I thought to myself, I never thought we'd get to this point.  Thank you God for watching over us and helping us to get here.  

32 weeks not only signified yet another milestone that we had reached but it also meant that my contraction medication that has been a saving grace since week 17 was coming  to and end.  Due to risks to the baby, Motrin has to be stopped.  In its place, the doctor prescribed a blood pressure medication called Nifedipine.  This medication works differently than the pain killer of Motrin, in that it relaxes the smooth muscles in one's body.  Often used to bring down blood pressure in people who suffer from high blood pressure, they've found it also had a helpful effect on treating contractions in the uterus.  I'll be honest, I was nervous about giving up the Motrin, it had worked so well for all those weeks, I prayed this new medication would be just as effective.  

Yesterday morning I woke up and took the first dose of the Nifedipine and then I went to work.  Sitting at my desk, I felt one contraction after another after another.  I told myself to relax, that it might take a few doses to get enough of the drug in my system to calm everything down.  While the contractions continued, I decided I had better start writing down the times they were happening so I could track how far a part they were.  And as each contraction came and went and came again, I started to feel worse.  My head started to ache, my stomach felt sick and in a strange way I felt hungover and drunk at the same time (which is pretty hard to experience when you haven't had an adult drink in almost 9 months).  I knew Jarrett had an extremely busy day and was facing a major deadline in getting something filed for work.  I didn't want to bother him or add any stress to him about how terrible I was feeling.  

Midway through the morning, I sent him a text that just said, "Hope your having a productive day. Love you."  I did my best to keep myself occupied, keeping my bladder empty as much as I could, even though getting up to walk to the bathroom caused another contraction each time.  As the hours slowly ticked away, it was clear there was a pattern in the contractions... first they were 9 minutes a part and eventually increasing in frequency to every six minutes.  I had also noticed baby girl seemed much less active than she normally is.

Thankfully the time to take my second dose came and I went home.  I stopped and picked up the kids, getting Isabelle first, followed by the boys.  By this time my ache in my head had turned into a full blown terrible headache and I felt like I had been hit with the flu.  I got the boys and as they crawled into the car I begged them to be on their best behavior, telling them that I felt terrible, that noise was excruciating to tolerate and that I needed their help to stay quiet and busy when we got home.  It was an hour before my home health care nurse was suppose to come to give me my weekly injection of progesterone.  As the contractions continued, I told myself to relax, to lay down as soon as I could and that her shot would soon help.  Before then though I had to take Gabriel to baseball practice and as things most regularly they are at our house, we raced to get him there, so we could race to get back to meet her.

We got back and just minutes later she was here.  We caught up briefly and she asked me how I was.  I told her what I had been feeling all day and that baby girl had been much less active.  She put the Doppler on my stomach and after some moving around she was finally able to hear her heartbeat.  I knew immediately it was different.  I laid quietly while I heard her counting in her mind and I knew, something wasn't right.  I said, "Doesn't her heartbeat sound really slow today?"  She said, "It does seem slower than normal."  She rechecked it a couple of times and each time baby girl's heart rate sounded the same... different and slower.  In talking with her she said, "I think you should go to OB triage at the hospital, but let's call your doctor to see what they think.  Bethany called and spoke to the on-call physician who agreed immediately, "Tell her to go right away."  Bethany gave me the shot as I heard Jarrett walking through the door (completely unaware of anything that had been going on during the day).  I got myself put back together and Bethany and I walked out of the bedroom together.  Jarrett said hello and asked how things are to which Bethany said, "We are sending her to the hospital."  I saw the expression on Jarrett's face immediately change to concern.  Bethany quickly left, I called my aunt Anita and a few minutes later we were on our way to Banner OB triage.  

Driving to the hospital was surreal as it was the first time we were headed back there for this pregnancy but the memories of driving there on that scary morning when my water broke with Noah was all we were both thinking of.  Jarrett was nervous I could clearly tell as he accelerated faster and faster, until I looked over and reminded him to not get a ticket.  He'd slow back down but a few miles later would be back to accelerating again  I texted Kristal, my wonderful friend who was there with us through Noah's delivery and I said, "You working tonight? I'm on my way to OB triage."  She texted back right away, "I'm in LanD, you okay?"  It took me a minute to realize she wasn't at Disneyland (what I thought she meant) but instead Labor and Delivery.  I felt reassurance immediately that I knew a friendly, reassuring face would be there to provide support.  As we got closer to the hospital, Jarrett was quiet, I was quiet I think both processing what unknown we were about to face.  I tried to remind myself, "We are at 32 weeks, that's much different than 23 weeks."  

Arriving at the hospital and walking in, it was the start of the movie in my mind, our minds of reliving the journey we had with Noah.  Every smell, every sign, all the same... in fact the exact same nurse, Amy was the one who checked us in back on that early June morning and she was the same one there last night.  In some ways, I thought, "really God?"  but maybe just maybe this is the way the story is suppose to be rewritten. Amy asked me why I was there and I repeated everything that had been happening throughout the day.  I said, I"m here for a NST (Non-stress test) to see how the baby was.  Right away she hooked me up to the monitor and right away it was clear... my contractions hadn't decreased by any means, in fact they had increased... and baby's heart rate was reflecting the stress she had been put under all day.  Amy asked me to rate my contractions and if I had noticed any fluid leaking or if they were increasing in intensity.  I told her I had had several strong ones and that I needed to empty my bladder as I knew that would help.  She let me use the restroom and when I came back I was hooked up again.  She monitored them and slipped out of the room for a few minutes to talk with the doctor.  Just a couple of minutes later, the beautiful smiling, reassuring Kristal appeared near my bed.  She reached out to offer support and asked me to catch her up on what was going on.  She as always was a great support, while watching the monitors closely.  She's so good at providing reassurance while also tracking all the medical readings being recorded.  She grabbed the paper recording all of baby's heartbeats and my contractions and she said, "You're contractions are coming every minute or so."  Just then Amy reappeared back in the room with a shot of Terbutaline, a shot to stop the contractions.  She asked me if I had had this before and I said, "Yes that's what they gave me when I came in with Noah after my water broke.  She reminded me that the shot would make me feel flush, that my heart was racing and that I would be jittery.  I didn't care, at that point, I wanted them to do what ever they could to slow them down or get them to stop.  I knew that if they didn't, I'd be moving to L and D too.  Meanwhile Jarrett monitored the monitors like he did before, closely watching every beep, every decent and the heartbeat continuously.

Thankfully after 20 or so minutes my uterus started to quiet down and Amy brought me some juice and some food (our old standby graham crackers and peanut butter) as I hadn't really eaten anything since lunch at 11:30.  It was now close to 8:30 p.m.  The juice and snacks really hit the spot and baby girl must have liked them too, because with my uterus quieting down she must have finally felt like she could move again.  As it has been for many weeks, every single movement I feel, is like a gift of reassurance I never take for granted.  After another almost 30 minutes of monitoring, Amy came back through the door and asked me if I wanted to go home.  I smiled and immediately said, "Yes"  

Amy went through a list of several things to watch for, reminded me to pack our hospital bag if we haven't already and gave us a list of reasons we should come back to the hospital  Amy said we should follow up right away with our doctors in the morning, but I had already texted my friend who works with Dr. E and filled her in.  She had talked to Dr. E who said he'd see me first thing today.  I just had to make it through the night.  Seeing Marybeth and Dr. E always provides us with such reassurance, I told myself to relax, we'd know more in the morning. I was thankful to be leaving with baby girl still inside me... we had made it to 32 weeks and 1 day. 

This morning, well pretty much all night long I laid awake, feeling terrible as I attribute it all to the Nifedipine.  I tried not to worry but was scared the medication I had taken was hurting the baby.  I spent several hours awake praying, staring at article after article on my phone about Nifedipine and pregnancy and watching the office.  I told Jarrett I felt worse on this medication than I did on the magnesium sulfate they had me on in the hospital with Noah (and that medication seems to have a bad rap).  I felt shortness of breath, a headache like no other, like I had the flu, a hangover and drunk all at the same time... It was not fun, but what I worried about most was that some how the baby was suffering more.

This morning when my eyes opened again I gave thanks immediately that the sun was rising, that baby was still inside and I prayed okay.  I laid in bed trying to get her to move and nudge me to say, "I'm okay mom."  I ate some toast, drank more juice and finally felt a slight roll on my right side.  I got up, showered, which made me feel a lot better and then I sat by my phone waiting for the clock to tick 8:00.  I called and asked how soon I could come in.  As wonderful as Valley Perinatal has been to me from the beginning, their great care continued and I was told to come in at 9 for my ultrasound and that Dr. E would see me as soon as he finished rounds at the hospital.  

We first got to see baby girl during the ultrasound and it was SO wonderful to see her today. She was laying on her tummy with her head WAY down so at first it was hard to get any pictures of her face.  Today's ultrasound was previously scheduled to measure her so I was happy to hear we'd still be able to find out how much she weighs.  Marybeth measured her legs, her arms and her Buddha belly.  Still measuring big, she's in the 90th percentile for how big her arms, legs and stomach is.  Then we got to hear how much she weighs.  Baby girl was 3 lbs 2 ounces at 28 weeks so I was hoping she was well over 4 pounds by now.  Turns out baby girl is really packing on the weight as she now weighs 5 pounds 4 ounces!   

 Yes that as much as some babies born at 36 weeks.  In fact baby girl has packed on the fat so much she has a double chin... I'm not joking, we have a picture to prove it. 

See that cute double chin, even though her face is blurry, it's clear... she definitely takes after her mom!

As much as we love to see her filling out, we also got to see her moving quite a bit.  This video shows her moving her hands in front of her face and making expressions with her mouth.

Hearing that baby girl has been growing like a weed and is at a really good weight (some may even say BIG).  We are so thankful.  

After the ultrasound we were able to meet with Dr. E.  Last night I was hoping to hear that they'd be willing to put me back on the Motrin as I have come to know that it works really well.  When we met with Dr. E. he carefully went through all the risks and possible complications we face with where we are at.  He laid everything out clearly and told us at this point we are trying to buy time and that means we often take a risk with one thing, in the hopes it means we can keep her inside longer.  It seems to be that the benefits of staying inside the womb far outweigh risks in facing contractions.  I asked about Motrin and learned the reason why they take women off it at 32 week is because the risk of that important value in the baby's heart closing increases after this point in pregnancy.  I had thought the risk of it closing only meant that they'd take me back off of it so it could open again.  I learned I was wrong, very wrong.  The risk of that valve closing is that the baby could die.  Dr. E was very clear about that however the odds of that happening are very small.  Hearing him say that the baby could die was like an alarm going off.  It was all I could think of after wards.  

Dr. E evaluated my situation, clarified lots of questions we had and decided he wants me to go back on the Motrin, albeit a much small dosage, with the hopes we can buy one more week.  We agreed that I would say on the Nipedipine and alternate that with the Motrin.  We'd be back in one week for a follow up ultrasound and that if anything changes we should keep him posted.  As scary as it is for me to think about the risks we are facing, I completely trust Dr. E.  

And trust and faith is all we've really ever had this entire pregnancy.  From day one, of finding out about Noah and now baby girl, I've realized I really have no control over how things are going to play out.  I have to put my complete faith into the hands of experts who have successfully guided us in this pregnancy for the last many months, and in God, who ultimately is in control of my life and hers.  I pray with all my might, the medicine will do what its supposed to and that the contractions will stay at bay and that baby will remain health and the valve open.  I ask, if you believe in prayer to please say a prayer for our baby and that my body cooperates as we try to buy a few more days and God willing a few more weeks.

This past 7 days has been filled with many highs and some emotional lows.  We celebrate each day we get, we pray for many more and we give thanks for the blessings we have.

Until next time,

Angie 

Michael’s 9th year of adventure…

Today Michael celebrates turning 9.  So hard to believe when I look back at this picture of my first image of my second son. 

He was just three and still had the toddler fat in his hands and the cute indentions where his knuckles eventually would fill.  I love those precious little paddies (my grandma’s word for precious baby hands).  I remember rubbing my fingers over his soft smooth hands in those first weeks and months as we grew together as a family, and as a mother and son.

Michael was so little to me back then and now I look at him and think he’s grown up in the blink of a moment.  Michael continues to be our full of energy, funny, keeps-ya-constantly-guessing kid.  He’s always been our one to push boundaries, question why things are the way are, and challenge why they can’t be a different way.  I think it is this personality that is going to take him very far in life.  Not one to just accept the answer at face value, he needs to understand the why and to question if there is a “this can be better” solution waiting to be discovered.

I tell Michael one day he’ll either be a great politician, lawyer, or professional debater because he can find an a particular view point that hasn’t been thought of and discuss it to the end of time.  As a stubborn mother who likes things done her way (I fully admit), this sometimes means Michael and I go round after round on multiple topics a day. As much as he can test my patience, make me want to shout, “because I said so, isn’t that a good enough reason?”, I know someday this trait is going to be the difference between him giving up  or persevering through…. And we all know life sometimes tests us in ways we want to give up, but can’t. I will never worry about Michael giving up on something he feels strongly about. 

This past year we’ve seen Michael grow and change, struggle and thrive as he grows from a kid into an older child.  He’s excited about the next stage that awaits, asking me if he can start puberty this summer (like you start a class or an exercise program).  I told him it doesn’t work that way and his body gets to decide when the next “phase” of life for him will start. He’s convinced he can make his body start that process this summer.

As much as Michael pushes boundaries which sometimes lands him on the wrong side of the rules, he can be just as much a sweet helper and a kind loving brother, son and friend.  After sharing the news that we were expecting again, Michael asks me countless days, how I am feeling, how the baby is and if he can feel her.  It is clear he’s just as emotionally connected to our goal of bringing home a healthy baby as we are.  And while Isabelle irritates him to no end when she touches his stuff, he still cares about her and tries to do whatever he can to help her. 

One of the ways I’ve seen Michael grow this year is in his desire to work hard and earn money.  Back in Iowa over Christmas he helped Grandpa and Grandma, and his aunts and uncles with projects or chores, to which he was rewarded with some money.  He winningly accepted new jobs and saw the value in earning dollars in exchange for hard work.  He saved his money and this spring used it to buy himself a flying drone.  He carefully budgeted his money, making sure to save some for his next “must have” item, and was surprised to learn just how much things cost.  This has been such a good lesson for him, he know is meticulously aware of where not only his money goes, but also ours.  Last night, Gabriel had a baseball game and of course we were racing to grab dinner before the start… so it was dinner on the run, or through the drive through I should say.  Michael asked for a “dad-sized” largest burger they made costing a whopping $6.59.  After studying the menu and pulling up to the window he realized that he could have just ordered 2 regular cheeseburgers and saved almost $4.00.  As I handed back his monster burger he said, “Mom, I’m sorry I got the expensive burger, next time I’ll just get two cheeseburgers and we can save the rest of the money.”  While not necessary, I told him I appreciated him being mindful of ways to save money.  I’m thankful for his interest in working hard and valuing just how much things cost. 

Sometimes out of the blue, Michael will surprise me with doing and saying the nicest things.  Just this past Sunday on our way to church we were listening to music when Michael said, “I miss my favorite teacher Ms. Thomas.  She was so nice to me and taught me so much.  I hope she is having fun teaching English in China.”    We haven’t seen Ms. Thomas, his first grade teacher since last summer, but it’s clear, the impression she left on his heart and in his mind are permanent.  When Michael cares about something, there’s no letting go. 

And that’s what makes me love him so much.  He feels passionately about all the loves in his life.  And I can’t think about any better way to love than to give all you are and more.  As we look forward to celebrating our middle son and all that makes him special, I give thanks to God for him.  Michael has taught me to look at life very differently, he challenges me in ways I’ve never been challenged and makes me see the value in appreciating just how different we can all be and still want the same basic aspects of life…. To be loved, to be cared for and to know we are important.

Michael you are loved more than you’ll ever truly understand (I know you’ll probably disagree with me and say you do know how much we love you).  I mean what I say when I tell you, that getting picked to be your and Gabriel’s mom was the answer to my prayers, and one of the happiest days of my entire life.  Getting to be your mom is a gift, because as you tell me, you had three mom’s (your birth mom, your foster mom and me), but Michael, I’m the lucky one because I get to be with you every day.  We wish you the very best birthday as you turn 9 years old.  We pray for you, that happiness always lights your path, that blessings flow abundantly into your life and that you always remember we are here to hold your hand (as big as it is now) and to cheer you along every step of your way.

We love always Michael William…

Mom and Dad