Last Wednesday we celebrated Michael's 9th birthday. In lieu of a celebration Michael decided he instead wanted to spend the money on a new bicycle and a dinner out. Wednesday afternoon, Dad and I picked up Michael early from school and went together to help him pick out his new big kid bike. Its crazy how a very quick trip to Target, one where I found a spot on the end cap to sit the whole time is a huge outing for me these days. Gone are the days when I "run" to the store to grab groceries, or to to the library to pick up books and movies for the kids. Literally, the last several months have consisted primarily of me driving to work, getting a ride to my office, sitting at my desk, getting a ride back to the car, driving home and resting. What will it feel like to be able to be more active again? I'm not sure. Wow, quite the tangent... back to Michael's birthday.
He was so excited he got to pick out a new bicycle and helmet, and Dad and I agreed to pay a certain amount, Michael also put forth some of his money to help pay too. We've found the boys have a whole new appreciation for how much things cost and are wiling to take better care of things when their money is invested in their new possession. Dad and I are fans of this new appreciation.
On Friday, Good Friday, we honored the meaning of the day by remembering the sacrifice our God has made by dying for our sins. We went to church at noon and just like it is every month on the 25th I walked around feeling more emotional and sad for knowing we have made it through another month without our precious Noah in our arms. Walking into church that afternoon, the memories of his funeral hit me instantly. For some reason the church smelled exactly like it had on the day of his service. The church was dimly lit to honor the mourning we feel in Jesus' sacrifice and all of it, every aspect reminded me that while we were remembering the son that died for our sins, my heart was feeling the son that died in my arms. There were several times throughout the service I had to stop and try to gather my composure. Several songs reminded me of the great loss I feel in missing Noah. As the service began and the lights in the sanctuary were dimmed, I happened to look up a few minutes into the service and noticed to the left of the cross, appearing along the wall was a rainbow. It had to be coming from the stained glass windows and the sun light shining through them up onto the wall. I reached over, tapped Jarrett on the shoulder, and when he looked at me, tears had already welled in his eyes. He had seen it too. No words needed to be spoken. While I didn't know the time exactly, I am confident it was about 10 minutes into the noon service... about the exact same time our son's heart became still exactly 9 months earlier.
I cannot imagine what Mary must have gone through watching her son die such a horrific death, but if there is one thing I do feel I can relate to, is knowing the emptiness in her heart she had to have felt in losing her precious child.
After church Jarrett and I walked out with the kids. Once in the car the kids asked for the radio to be turned on and as they were singing away, I reached across the console for Jarrett's hand. Emotional and fighting back tears I said, "I couldn't help but think of Noah through that entire service." Jarrett said, "You know, the moment we walked into the church today, everything reminded me of Noah's funeral. The smell, the lighting, everything about it, make me feel like we were back there reliving that day." I turned to him, and said, "Jarrett I thought the exact same thing. It was exactly like we were reliving it." And then I said, "Wasn't it crazy that rainbow appeared?" He said, "Yes I saw it and thought of him right away." I then asked, "Did you realize about what time it appeared?" Jarrett squeezed my hand, I knew he couldn't get the words out, so I said it for him... Dad it had to be about 12:10. We both sat in silence the rest of the drive home, yet the messages from our hearts spilled out and through one another through the embrace of our hands. It was Good Friday... a day of reflection, a day of honoring the sacrifices made for us, and a day to remember our sons... the son of God and our son Noah.
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| The sunset on the day of Noah's funeral. |
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| Isabelle is very excited to meet her baby sister. |
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| We played a game where everyone had to cut a string as long as they thought my belly is around. Here's Alicia measuring her string around my growing belly. |
And of course we had to have more yummy cake!
On Saturday afternoon, we decided it was time to color eggs for the Easter bunny. While I will forever remember Easter as the holiday when we first shared with the world we were expecting Noah, we try to still carry on with the traditions that make us smile and bring us together to celebrate. Dying Easter eggs is one of those traditions.
On Easter morning the kids got up extra early, way too early, as they were excited to see what treats were awaiting them. It actually turned out to be a blessing they got up so early as we were still racing to get to church on time. After church I told the family I wanted to take a family picture as I'm not sure how many more pictures we'll get to take with the basketball in my stomach, before baby girl makes her debut. So we attempted to take a family portrait. Many many bad photos later, several attempts to tell each kid to smile and to open their eyes, we finally got a couple that will pass.
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| Hard to believe they can be getting so big! |
Easter was a beautiful day not only in that we got to celebrate Jesus's rising from the tomb, but we got to spend time with family and the fact that we had reached yet another goal... 32 weeks.
This was the milestone Dr. A told me over a month ago that if we got to this point we would celebrate. And we did. All day long I thought to myself, I never thought we'd get to this point. Thank you God for watching over us and helping us to get here.
32 weeks not only signified yet another milestone that we had reached but it also meant that my contraction medication that has been a saving grace since week 17 was coming to and end. Due to risks to the baby, Motrin has to be stopped. In its place, the doctor prescribed a blood pressure medication called Nifedipine. This medication works differently than the pain killer of Motrin, in that it relaxes the smooth muscles in one's body. Often used to bring down blood pressure in people who suffer from high blood pressure, they've found it also had a helpful effect on treating contractions in the uterus. I'll be honest, I was nervous about giving up the Motrin, it had worked so well for all those weeks, I prayed this new medication would be just as effective.
Yesterday morning I woke up and took the first dose of the Nifedipine and then I went to work. Sitting at my desk, I felt one contraction after another after another. I told myself to relax, that it might take a few doses to get enough of the drug in my system to calm everything down. While the contractions continued, I decided I had better start writing down the times they were happening so I could track how far a part they were. And as each contraction came and went and came again, I started to feel worse. My head started to ache, my stomach felt sick and in a strange way I felt hungover and drunk at the same time (which is pretty hard to experience when you haven't had an adult drink in almost 9 months). I knew Jarrett had an extremely busy day and was facing a major deadline in getting something filed for work. I didn't want to bother him or add any stress to him about how terrible I was feeling.
Midway through the morning, I sent him a text that just said, "Hope your having a productive day. Love you." I did my best to keep myself occupied, keeping my bladder empty as much as I could, even though getting up to walk to the bathroom caused another contraction each time. As the hours slowly ticked away, it was clear there was a pattern in the contractions... first they were 9 minutes a part and eventually increasing in frequency to every six minutes. I had also noticed baby girl seemed much less active than she normally is.
Thankfully the time to take my second dose came and I went home. I stopped and picked up the kids, getting Isabelle first, followed by the boys. By this time my ache in my head had turned into a full blown terrible headache and I felt like I had been hit with the flu. I got the boys and as they crawled into the car I begged them to be on their best behavior, telling them that I felt terrible, that noise was excruciating to tolerate and that I needed their help to stay quiet and busy when we got home. It was an hour before my home health care nurse was suppose to come to give me my weekly injection of progesterone. As the contractions continued, I told myself to relax, to lay down as soon as I could and that her shot would soon help. Before then though I had to take Gabriel to baseball practice and as things most regularly they are at our house, we raced to get him there, so we could race to get back to meet her.
We got back and just minutes later she was here. We caught up briefly and she asked me how I was. I told her what I had been feeling all day and that baby girl had been much less active. She put the Doppler on my stomach and after some moving around she was finally able to hear her heartbeat. I knew immediately it was different. I laid quietly while I heard her counting in her mind and I knew, something wasn't right. I said, "Doesn't her heartbeat sound really slow today?" She said, "It does seem slower than normal." She rechecked it a couple of times and each time baby girl's heart rate sounded the same... different and slower. In talking with her she said, "I think you should go to OB triage at the hospital, but let's call your doctor to see what they think. Bethany called and spoke to the on-call physician who agreed immediately, "Tell her to go right away." Bethany gave me the shot as I heard Jarrett walking through the door (completely unaware of anything that had been going on during the day). I got myself put back together and Bethany and I walked out of the bedroom together. Jarrett said hello and asked how things are to which Bethany said, "We are sending her to the hospital." I saw the expression on Jarrett's face immediately change to concern. Bethany quickly left, I called my aunt Anita and a few minutes later we were on our way to Banner OB triage.
Driving to the hospital was surreal as it was the first time we were headed back there for this pregnancy but the memories of driving there on that scary morning when my water broke with Noah was all we were both thinking of. Jarrett was nervous I could clearly tell as he accelerated faster and faster, until I looked over and reminded him to not get a ticket. He'd slow back down but a few miles later would be back to accelerating again I texted Kristal, my wonderful friend who was there with us through Noah's delivery and I said, "You working tonight? I'm on my way to OB triage." She texted back right away, "I'm in LanD, you okay?" It took me a minute to realize she wasn't at Disneyland (what I thought she meant) but instead Labor and Delivery. I felt reassurance immediately that I knew a friendly, reassuring face would be there to provide support. As we got closer to the hospital, Jarrett was quiet, I was quiet I think both processing what unknown we were about to face. I tried to remind myself, "We are at 32 weeks, that's much different than 23 weeks."
Arriving at the hospital and walking in, it was the start of the movie in my mind, our minds of reliving the journey we had with Noah. Every smell, every sign, all the same... in fact the exact same nurse, Amy was the one who checked us in back on that early June morning and she was the same one there last night. In some ways, I thought, "really God?" but maybe just maybe this is the way the story is suppose to be rewritten. Amy asked me why I was there and I repeated everything that had been happening throughout the day. I said, I"m here for a NST (Non-stress test) to see how the baby was. Right away she hooked me up to the monitor and right away it was clear... my contractions hadn't decreased by any means, in fact they had increased... and baby's heart rate was reflecting the stress she had been put under all day. Amy asked me to rate my contractions and if I had noticed any fluid leaking or if they were increasing in intensity. I told her I had had several strong ones and that I needed to empty my bladder as I knew that would help. She let me use the restroom and when I came back I was hooked up again. She monitored them and slipped out of the room for a few minutes to talk with the doctor. Just a couple of minutes later, the beautiful smiling, reassuring Kristal appeared near my bed. She reached out to offer support and asked me to catch her up on what was going on. She as always was a great support, while watching the monitors closely. She's so good at providing reassurance while also tracking all the medical readings being recorded. She grabbed the paper recording all of baby's heartbeats and my contractions and she said, "You're contractions are coming every minute or so." Just then Amy reappeared back in the room with a shot of Terbutaline, a shot to stop the contractions. She asked me if I had had this before and I said, "Yes that's what they gave me when I came in with Noah after my water broke. She reminded me that the shot would make me feel flush, that my heart was racing and that I would be jittery. I didn't care, at that point, I wanted them to do what ever they could to slow them down or get them to stop. I knew that if they didn't, I'd be moving to L and D too. Meanwhile Jarrett monitored the monitors like he did before, closely watching every beep, every decent and the heartbeat continuously.
Thankfully after 20 or so minutes my uterus started to quiet down and Amy brought me some juice and some food (our old standby graham crackers and peanut butter) as I hadn't really eaten anything since lunch at 11:30. It was now close to 8:30 p.m. The juice and snacks really hit the spot and baby girl must have liked them too, because with my uterus quieting down she must have finally felt like she could move again. As it has been for many weeks, every single movement I feel, is like a gift of reassurance I never take for granted. After another almost 30 minutes of monitoring, Amy came back through the door and asked me if I wanted to go home. I smiled and immediately said, "Yes"
Amy went through a list of several things to watch for, reminded me to pack our hospital bag if we haven't already and gave us a list of reasons we should come back to the hospital Amy said we should follow up right away with our doctors in the morning, but I had already texted my friend who works with Dr. E and filled her in. She had talked to Dr. E who said he'd see me first thing today. I just had to make it through the night. Seeing Marybeth and Dr. E always provides us with such reassurance, I told myself to relax, we'd know more in the morning. I was thankful to be leaving with baby girl still inside me... we had made it to 32 weeks and 1 day.
This morning, well pretty much all night long I laid awake, feeling terrible as I attribute it all to the Nifedipine. I tried not to worry but was scared the medication I had taken was hurting the baby. I spent several hours awake praying, staring at article after article on my phone about Nifedipine and pregnancy and watching the office. I told Jarrett I felt worse on this medication than I did on the magnesium sulfate they had me on in the hospital with Noah (and that medication seems to have a bad rap). I felt shortness of breath, a headache like no other, like I had the flu, a hangover and drunk all at the same time... It was not fun, but what I worried about most was that some how the baby was suffering more.
This morning when my eyes opened again I gave thanks immediately that the sun was rising, that baby was still inside and I prayed okay. I laid in bed trying to get her to move and nudge me to say, "I'm okay mom." I ate some toast, drank more juice and finally felt a slight roll on my right side. I got up, showered, which made me feel a lot better and then I sat by my phone waiting for the clock to tick 8:00. I called and asked how soon I could come in. As wonderful as Valley Perinatal has been to me from the beginning, their great care continued and I was told to come in at 9 for my ultrasound and that Dr. E would see me as soon as he finished rounds at the hospital.
We first got to see baby girl during the ultrasound and it was SO wonderful to see her today. She was laying on her tummy with her head WAY down so at first it was hard to get any pictures of her face. Today's ultrasound was previously scheduled to measure her so I was happy to hear we'd still be able to find out how much she weighs. Marybeth measured her legs, her arms and her Buddha belly. Still measuring big, she's in the 90th percentile for how big her arms, legs and stomach is. Then we got to hear how much she weighs. Baby girl was 3 lbs 2 ounces at 28 weeks so I was hoping she was well over 4 pounds by now. Turns out baby girl is really packing on the weight as she now weighs 5 pounds 4 ounces!
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| See that cute double chin, even though her face is blurry, it's clear... she definitely takes after her mom! |
As much as we love to see her filling out, we also got to see her moving quite a bit. This video shows her moving her hands in front of her face and making expressions with her mouth.
Hearing that baby girl has been growing like a weed and is at a really good weight (some may even say BIG). We are so thankful.
After the ultrasound we were able to meet with Dr. E. Last night I was hoping to hear that they'd be willing to put me back on the Motrin as I have come to know that it works really well. When we met with Dr. E. he carefully went through all the risks and possible complications we face with where we are at. He laid everything out clearly and told us at this point we are trying to buy time and that means we often take a risk with one thing, in the hopes it means we can keep her inside longer. It seems to be that the benefits of staying inside the womb far outweigh risks in facing contractions. I asked about Motrin and learned the reason why they take women off it at 32 week is because the risk of that important value in the baby's heart closing increases after this point in pregnancy. I had thought the risk of it closing only meant that they'd take me back off of it so it could open again. I learned I was wrong, very wrong. The risk of that valve closing is that the baby could die. Dr. E was very clear about that however the odds of that happening are very small. Hearing him say that the baby could die was like an alarm going off. It was all I could think of after wards.
Dr. E evaluated my situation, clarified lots of questions we had and decided he wants me to go back on the Motrin, albeit a much small dosage, with the hopes we can buy one more week. We agreed that I would say on the Nipedipine and alternate that with the Motrin. We'd be back in one week for a follow up ultrasound and that if anything changes we should keep him posted. As scary as it is for me to think about the risks we are facing, I completely trust Dr. E.
And trust and faith is all we've really ever had this entire pregnancy. From day one, of finding out about Noah and now baby girl, I've realized I really have no control over how things are going to play out. I have to put my complete faith into the hands of experts who have successfully guided us in this pregnancy for the last many months, and in God, who ultimately is in control of my life and hers. I pray with all my might, the medicine will do what its supposed to and that the contractions will stay at bay and that baby will remain health and the valve open. I ask, if you believe in prayer to please say a prayer for our baby and that my body cooperates as we try to buy a few more days and God willing a few more weeks.
This past 7 days has been filled with many highs and some emotional lows. We celebrate each day we get, we pray for many more and we give thanks for the blessings we have.
Until next time,
Angie
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