And I can't sleep. I'm not sure if it is because I've finally hit the point where I'm so over tired that my body won't relax enough to sleep or if it is because I have so much love in my heart that it is overflowing with emotion that keeps me awake. In all honesty, it is probably a little bit of both of these reasons. Here are a few of the things that run through my mind at 3:24 a.m....
*I forgot to cut up some deli ham to leave for Jack (our very spoiled 4lb Yorkie) with our friend who agreed to dog/house sit while we left on vacation.
*I forgot to plug in the video camera so that we can record tomorrow's adventures.
*Where in the world did I put that Go Fish music CD that the boys were given at Vacation Bible School? At this point, I know where the CD is NOT at, but where I put it, I have no idea.
* Did I remember to give the boys all of their medicine, brush their teeth and comb their hair (this thought occurs it seems every hour and the answer every time is yes)?
* I hope Jack is okay and that he is behaving/sleeping right now for our friend? He is so spoiled; if it isn't Gabriel and Michael were attending to, it is our puppy and somehow he has me wondering about him as I'm 1700 miles away.
* Why did I not think to bring a pair of sandals or old shoes for the boys to wear? After growing up in Iowa and spending 23 years of my life living here, you think I'd remember that Iowa has a lot of soil and rain and together those things make mud. Someone just told me that mud and little boys are magnets. We've learned that in the first 24 hours of being in Iowa. Maybe Gabriel and Michael were in on helping me forget to bring their old shoes, they seemed to benefit as they are now each sporting a brand new pair of Buz Lightyear light-up sneakers. Thanks Grandma and Grandpa.
Those are just a few of the quick thoughts that race through that head of mine at 3:00 a.m.. But tonight, it isn't those off-the-top-of-my-head thoughts that keep me staring at the ceiling counting the number of times the fan blades circle in one minute. It is those other thoughts, the thoughts that make me question, wonder and give thanks for all that I have, and all that I've been given.
Do the boys know that I love them? I mean really love them. I've found that in order to get done all of the tasks, chores and duties that have to be accomplished in a day, my time for silliness and children's play is limited. Granted, we sill have lots and lots of play time, laughs and silliness together but sometimes, I wonder if they only see me as the person who makes them take a bath, brush their teeth, clean their plate, wash their hands... well, you get the point. Do they see me as the rule enforcer who always tells them they need to be quiet when we go here or there? And no, for the twentieth time, you cannot have that piece of candy. Am I too strict, am I not strict enough? I tell them I love them, I show them by giving hugs and kisses. I play with them and tell them how proud I am to be their mom. I give them praise when they make good choices, but do they really know how much they mean to me/us? And since I didn't give birth to them and carry them inside of me for 9 months, do I have to do even more to show them how much they are loved and cared for. No one told me that along with becoming a parent, I'd have to question every move and decision I make.
I wonder what exciting thing will happen tomorrow that will make me fall in love with each one of them over and over. Today, it was Gabriel being the sweet and wonderful little boy that he is and listening to me right away as I asked him to get off of his brand-new, shiny, red bike Grandma and Grandpa got him to go inside and wash his hands. I know that doesn't sound like that monumental or exciting of an event, but if only you could have been there to see it. We went to Grandpa Ray's house this afternoon to take the boys fishing for the very first time. As you can imagine there were so many things for the boys to touch. I'm sure we hit a new record with the number of germs on each of their little hands. So, before leaving to go to dinner I had to ask them to stop playing to go inside and clean up. Gabriel was thoroughly enjoying the wide-open spaces of the Iowa countryside and riding his bike up and down the long lane at Grandpa Ray's house. He was riding with pride as he showed off how quickly he can peddle, how to turn a corner with only one hand on the handlebars and how to look so studly in his bike helmet and shiny red bike. He was beaming with happiness. Now me, the crusher of all things fun, had to ask him "Please stop all the fun you are having. Get off of that shiny new bike and go inside and wash your hands with hot water and lots of soap. Please make sure you scrub extra hard to get the fishy-smell and worm guts off okay Gabriel?" Expecting a quick and firm "Not yet mom" I was surprised to see him pull right up in front of me, look at me with his beautiful green and blue eyes and say, "Okay mom." Then, he pulled his bike right over to Grandpa's fence, parked it proudly, climbed off, slid his helmet off and carefully placed it on the handlebar of his prized possession. Then he walked straight inside to do what I asked. It was just as simple as that. What a wonderful little boy.
And then there is Michael, who today and it seems everyday, amazes me with his funny, class-clown personality. One of today's highlights was going fishing with Michael. I've always thought the point of going fishing is to catch fish. I've learned that for Michael, it isn't about the fish, it is about the worms. From the moment Michael saw the bait box he was all about it. He had to carry it down the hill to the pond, even though it was way too heavy for him and he almost dumped the worms out as he walked down the hill. Then, as Grandpa Chip opened the box and pulled out the slimy and wiggly snake-like creatures, Michael realized he found his entertainment for the afternoon. As the rest of us baited our poles and went to the dock to cast, Michael was perfectly fine holding, caressing and watching his little pet worms do everything in their power to try and escape his presence. Poor worms. I not sure if worms have a brain to form thoughts as people, but I'm pretty sure those worms were thinking they'd rather jump on the next hook that came their way, than spend 2 more minutes with our 3-year old little boy. So, even though it was a tough day to be a worm, our little Michael was in Heaven.
And finally, after those memories are relived over and over in my mind, the largest and most prevalent thought that keeps me awake tonight is the following...
How did I get so lucky? Do I deserve this amazing life? I have an amazing husband who I've been blessed to have shared pretty much my entire life with. He is so understanding and accommodating of my craziness, that he allows me to keep him awake as I type this post just 3 feet from his head. Even after getting just 2 hours of sleep the night before, because he was trying to fulfill my wishes and leave the house extra clean for our friend, Jack's dog sitter, he is letting me keep him awake now too. And then, on top of having a wonderful partner to spend my life with, God had blessed us with these two little boys. I feel like I have won the biggest lottery in all of history. All of those years I spent dreaming of becoming a mom and picturing what our perfect children would look like, and what their personalities be; I had no idea that my dreams in no way prepared me for how even more amazing, wonderful, and perfect Gabriel and Michael are.
Thank you God for giving me so many blessings. For the perfect partner who just gets me, for the two perfect Angels you sent to be my sons, for our loving family and friends who have been so generous in sharing their love and excitement with us as we start this journey as a family, for our health and for all that you have planned for me when I "wake up" and begin a new day in just a few minutes.
Until next time,
Angie
No comments:
Post a Comment