Surprise of our life time...

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Three years ago when we received a phone call from our case worker telling us we had been selected to become Isabelle's parents, it was a big surprise.  I remember thinking that was probably the biggest surprise I'd ever have in my life.  And it was... until today.

This morning Isabelle woke up around 4:15 and called my name.  I crawled out of bed, still in a daze and praying it was still the middle of the night.  I walked to her room, snuggled her back into bed covering her with her four blankets, one at a time, in the order they need to go in.  I kissed my hand, placed it gently on her forehead and whispered "good night I love you" before tip toeing out of her room.  As I walked back into ours, I made the split second decision, I was going to do it.

Three weeks ago tonight, I had just finished my first half marathon meeting my goal of doing it in less than 2 hours.  I remember lying in bed, feeling completely exhausted when I finally pulled up the sheets and turned over.  That day I wrote it off to having just completed 13.1 miles.

Last Friday I sat on the back of the tour bus as we made our way to the employer site visit.  I know riding in the back of the bus isn't the greatest place to be when it comes to car sickness, but I figured it wasn't that long of a ride.  As we pulled onto the freeway, I started playing with the air vents, I couldn't get enough air.  Light headed, foggy and crossing between the feeling of fainting or throwing up tousled in my mind and in my stomach.  I told myself to take deep breaths and to just calm down.  I texted Jarrett, "I don't feel well, I think I'm either going to throw up, or pass out."

Since the race three weeks ago, I've been determined to keep up my exercise routine, I've put in too many miles to just let it all go by the wayside.  And yet, I feel like since I crossed the finish line, my legs, my lungs, my brain forgot how to run.  Never have I felt so exhausted simply by walking out the front door.  I blame it on not following a good diet.  I have slipped back into my pre-running diet-  Pizza on Friday, a soda here or there.  And sugar, well I have a love-love relationship with it and lately its been getting the best of me.  But still I press on and try to figure out what's causing this not-feeling-like-myself self.

Sitting in the bathroom I pull out the test.  I secretly had pulled it out from under the bathroom counter the night before.  While the expiration date was November of 2011, I thought, maybe it will still work.  In the early dark morning, I followed the instructions, finished up, went out to wash my hands and then went back to check.

For well over 10 years of my adult married life, I prayed, begged and promised God I'd do anything if only he'd give me that positive test.  And yet, with the rounds of fertility treatments, the pills that made me constantly sick, and the thousands of dollars thrown in the Sharp container of used fertility filled needles, my test was always negative.  In the cabinet under my sink, I have a collection of tests... from ovulation tests, to pregnancy tests, instructions for when to give drug x and when to test for ovulation.  An all of it for not.  Never a positive, never the news one wanted to hear.  And for years, it was heartache, after monthly heartache.

And then my sister got pregnant and secretly, I worried I'd feel jealousy.  Instead, I honestly felt happiness for her and nothing for myself.  And at once, I was fine with it.  In the years of struggling with trying to grow a family and not being able to, I always worried, I'd never get over the pain of seeing others pregnant and wishing oh so much that it was me instead of them.  I've written about it in the past and kept in a journal only for my eyes to see.  Then, I was seeing first hand my sister with a tiny baby belly and getting to touch my hand to her stomach to feel the baby move, and again completely and honestly happy.

I can't say for sure what the exact moment was when I finally let it go.  But I'm oh so thankful I did.  As we left Iowa this past December headed back to Arizona, I remember for the first time in my life, being 100% okay with never experiencing pregnancy, never giving birth to someone of my own blood.  I have three wonderful children that are more mine than the blood in my body.  I believe God put Jarrett and I in this world, in this place to become their parents.  It was his calling not ours.  And that's how I thought our story would be written.

I dried my hands off on the towel outside the bathroom and peeked back inside the door to the test sitting on the pack of toilet paper.  I looked down and saw one line going up and down (the comparison line) and the test result line showed a plus.  I couldn't remember what it meant so I grabbed the box with my heart paused mid-beat.  I looked at the box with the pictures and the results, looked at the test and found the matching picture... pregnant.

I couldn't believe my eyes and my heart was up in the back of my throat.  Without even realizing what I was doing I raced back to the bed, jumped in and woke Jarrett instantly... Jarrett wake up, you have to see this NOW!  I always dreamed of finding some creative, exciting way to show him we were pregnant, especially all those years when I dreamed it would happen.  And now, with my brain wiped clean like a new chalkboard, I couldn't even process what I was doing, I was still processing the picture the read "pregnant"  Still in a complete daze he made his way to the bathroom and I handed him the test.  Like me, he was instantly awake.  "Wow" was his first word followed by "really?"  We both stood in the dark bathroom with a dim light staring at the test and staring at each other.  Our dream had come true, 12 years later, in God's time, not ours. Jarrett was instantly thrilled.

Five tests later (seriously the shock didn't decrease with each positive result), 9 hours of a day filled with many thoughts, and distracted actions, trying to keep the train on the tracks, when I felt like we had just his a major stopping station.

I'm still processing how this all feels. I go from feeling nauseous (literally), to overwhelmingly excited, to nervous, to blessed, to worried (what will everyone say when we tell them we are having a 4th child?).  Jarrett reassures me it will all work out.  He jokes, "we have 9 months to figure this out, we've never had this much time before."  I guess he's right.  And if there's one thing that gives me a calming sense that this was God's plan, it's this...

For 12 years Jarrett and I have tried to grow our family by becoming pregnant. After turning to adoption and being blessed with three amazing children, I finally closed the door of having a biological child, and felt thankful for the gift of being a mom.  With my sister's wedding just under 9 months away, I was excited for that... to get in shape, to fit into a tight, sassy mermaid style dress.  Isn't that a joke... now I'll just be excited if I get to be there.  And who knows by then we'll almost be a family of six.

That's the surprise of a lifetime.

Until next time,
Angie