Day 3: The hardest steps I've ever taken.

Just a quick update tonight as I'm sitting here in my bed (the first time in 8 nights) barely able to stay awake.  I think its finally being home but also the fact that today was one of the most difficult days of my life.

First off Noah... this morning started off as one of "those" days we don't like to think about.  Noah seemed irritated when I went up to visit him this morning and could see the stress signals they talked with us about as soon as I stepped up near him.  His nurse was working on his oxygen levels which seemed to keep dropping.  She would turn up his ocelator (high performance respirator) a little bit by little bit and he'd be okay for a while and then it would drop again.  Melanie, his nurse would go back to the machine and turn it up again.  With each adjustment of the knob, my heart rate increased, I think trying to help compensate for his slower one.

Soon a developmental specialist came to evaluate him and while she said she saw many great things that he is doing, the reality is he is just so tiny.  She set goals for him and gave us some additional reading resources to use as guides.... when I'm going to find the time to read them, I'm not sure.

The other update that caused us/me worry tonight is his weight.  We knew and know he will loose weight in the first few days.  Stress causes his body to burn more calories and needless to say, he's starting to show the stress of being outside the womb.  As of tonight he has lost 7 ounces since his birth. That isn't much to a full term baby, but to him that means he now weighs 1 pound 4 ounces.  I can't help but worry.

But lets talk about the good things that happened today too.... After this morning, the nurse gave him some medicine to calm down and his entire afternoon and evening seemed very relaxing to him.  He seemed to be resting very peacefully when I went back to the hospital at 4 and again at 7:30 tonight.

Tonight I was able to participate in his hands on care which not only included taking his temperature, and changing his diaper but also getting to feed him for the first time.  By feeding I mean, I got to hold the tiny syringe as my milk was poured into it and slowly dripped down into his feeding tube.  While not how most mom's get to feed their child for the first time, it was still very special.

Tonight when I left Noah was sleeping peacefully and in a slightly new position.  While they have to keep his head very straight for the current breathing tube, they were able to shift his body a bit to the right, and I have to say he seemed very comfortable with his new lying position.  I pray he sleeps peacefully through the night, or at least until I get back there at 2 this morning to help with the next first.... his bath.

I close tonight with my thoughts about leaving the hospital and having to be okay with the idea of leaving part of your heart behind.  I walked out of the hospital today, hand in hand with Jarrett, as the tears flowed uncontrollably.  Ahead of us and behind us were couples like us, only in their hand was a baby car seat filled with their most prized possession.  Our hands only held each others.

It was the first time I had been outside since June 7th and I wanted nothing more than to back up 3 days, and crawl back into that bed with my baby still inside my body.  One of the nurses talked with me about it and said, you have to almost mourn what you were robbed off.  Its okay to feel this way she said.  While there is nothing I can do about it, in some ways I feel like its my fault that my body didn't do what it was suppose to and Noah has to suffer the consequences.  I know that its probably an irrational thought and its not really my fault, but yet its the way I feel.

Leaving that hospital today took all my might just to put one step in front of the other and a purposeful effort to just keep walking away.  On our way home, I reviewed the messages of support, all the prayers and the messages of hope you all shared with me.  Once again, its because of you all, we keep moving forward.  After reading a few, I turned to Jarrett, grabbed his hand and doing my best to hold back the tears I said, "Dad, I have to believe God has big plans for Noah.  Just the number of people alone who are thinking of him, praying for him and cheering him on... is remarkable.  If he's made this much of an impact in the lives of so many and he's only three days old, God has to have even bigger plans for his future right?"

And that's what I hold onto tonight.  The future....  Today was a hard day but God willing we get tomorrow.  And I look forward to the promise that tomorrow's gonna be a good day.

Goodnight my precious baby Noah. Mommy loves you and while I'm no longer just three floors away, my heart sleeps next to yours tonight and every night.

Until next time,
Angie