Day 5: Mixed news...and back to work I go

Today was a very hectic day, as I prepare to return to work tomorrow, I felt like I needed to jam everything I could into the 24 hours I had left.

I'm trying to face this new reality of balancing a new world in the hospital, along with the busy life we already had at home, and now tomorrow, a third component returning to work.  I am very fortunate to work part time at a great place, where I am supported.  That alone is a huge blessing I am thankful for.  I know tomorrow when I walk though those doors, and step foot back in my office, I will have friends welcoming me back and supporting me along the way.

Will it be easy?  I already know it will be another test for me.  The reason why I am returning to work less than a week after giving birth to Noah is based on the recommendation of the team of doctors, nurses and social workers at the hospital.  They have told me that since I'm physically feeling so great, that I should consider going back to work to save my time for later, then Noah hopefully moves to the secondary NICU and we move back into the hospital to care for him.  I pray and dream about those days.  Hope that those days will be in our future, are what will give me strength tomorrow to add yet another responsibility to a schedule that seems overfilled already.

Today I went to my OB's office to get a clearance to go back to work, and it was another one of those realities that my life is so different than I thought it would be a short 10 days ago.  I sat in the waiting room less than 2 weeks ago, meeting with Dr. Holler to discuss my lack of amniotic fluid.  Little did I know less than 3 days later, I'd be meeting her again, in the labor and delivery room.  Sitting in the waiting room today, I sat across from a couple who were expecting.  It reminded me of Jarrett and I excited for our first ultrasound, and for subsequent appointments to learn about the baby and how he was growing.  Sadly there would be no more OB appointments for us.  I mourn again for something I will not have.

The doctor I met with today was exceptional.  The minute he came into the exam room, the first thing he did was introduce himself and reached out an arm not to shake my hand but to wrap his arm around my shoulders and ask, "How are you doing?"  It must be apparent on my face.  I feel almost like a walking shell, trying to stay focused on the next to do task, keeping my mind occupied to avoid the flood of emotions.

Dr. L sat down and said, "Tell me everything from the beginning."  For the next 20 minutes I shared with him my history of infertility, of all the failed treatments, how life with the gift of adoption three time over, and then our miracle pregnancy... our precious baby Noah.   I walked him through the pregnancy, all the complications and then the detail by detail account of what happened beginning the weekend of June 6th.  He reviewed all of my medical documentation, highlights of things they had found on the ultrasound, all my lab work, everything.

Then he stood up right in front of me, looked me in the eyes and said, "I need you to know you didn't do anything to cause your son's early arrival.  I need you to know that for the rest of your life."  As if he could read the thoughts that have been passing through my mind for the past 9 days.  It was what I needed to hear.

After my exam, I was given the approval to return to work.  He joked saying I get the record for the earliest authorization they've ever given someone to return to work.  While I'm okay with returning to work, there are other records I'd rather hold... like giving birth to a healthy baby boy at 40 weeks gestational age.

Now about Noah:  This morning at our visit, we learned that Noah's doctors decided to stop breast milk today as they noticed his tummy was a bit distended and had some grey ashy color on his belly.  They did an x-ray to see if there was anything and determined it best to just give him a break on the food.  Of course it made Jarrett and I nervous, he's already so little, if you don't feed him won't he lose more?  The doctor was very reassuring, saying it is common and that sometimes their guts are so immature, that they just need a break every once and a while.  One of the good updates she shared was that Noah has been doing so well holding his blood pressure within the range that they felt comfortable removing his blood pressure line.  So that was removed from his umbilical cord area.

This afternoon I returned  to visit Noah and along with me came my aunt Anita.  Additionally her former priest, Father Gary came to the hospital to pray together over Noah.  While Jarrett and I are not Catholic, we attended the Parish where Father Gary was for the first 5 plus years of our living in Arizona.  We found great comfort, support and help in Father Gary.  When Jarrett was going through cancer treatments Father Gary presided over a Mass of the Anointing and when I reached out to Father to see if Jarrett could become a part of the mass, he welcomed us with open arms, and no questions about if we were of the faith or not.    We felt something powerful at that Mass and truly believe Jarrett's health today is in great part to the faith and the medicine.

My aunt Anita reached out to Father Gary when I was in the hospital and asked him to pray for us.  His email response was extremely touching saying that he would gladly pray, offer support and "storm the heaven's" in honor of our little boy.  Father also offered to come to the hospital to pray with us for Noah.  When he heard of his offer, I wasn't about to turn it down.

The pastor at our current church has been wonderful as well and came not only to visit me in the hospital a few times, but has been up to pray over Noah as well.  I find these visits so powerful and strengthening, especially when the dark moments seem to slide in.

Today as Father Gary, Anita and I prayed, I felt God's hands over top telling me to trust his plan.  As we prayed I couldn't help but notice Noah's monitor beeping at us.  After Father and Anita left, Noah's nurse came up to me and said, "I'm not sure if you noticed but when you started praying Noah's vitals improved.  In fact his O2 level got so high, his alarm started going off.  Usually when we see those counts go up, its a sign that baby is relaxed.  I think he liked what you were praying.  - Yes another reason to give thanks today.

Tonight when Jarrett and I returned to the hospital, we found Noah to be resting comfortably.  He was all tucked in  and seemed to be very cozy.  Dad and I stood at the side of his bed, held hands and together prayed for our son.  As we prayed I again heard Noah's alarm's beeping.  After a few seconds of the alarm his nurse came back over and said, "Noah- are you showing off for Mommy and Daddy?  and then "he seems to really know you are here and likes what you are doing."  It is moments like these that make me feel so happy.

For the past 5 nights, I've made it a point to go into the hospital or up to Noah's room for his 2 am for Noah's care hours.  Tonight I told his nurse that while I wanted to come back, I would instead call just to make sure.  I would really love to go in and help tonight, but I've realized I need to get rest.  Jarrett reminds me we have to take care of ourselves too, because we are no good for him if we are sick.  And so I decided tonight, I'll just stay and call.

Speaking of that, I think its time I call it a night.  I'm falling asleep while I'm typing.

Day 5 was a day filled with some good news and some other news.  We pray tomorrow Noah's belly is feeling better and that the discoloration is gone.  We pray that he continues to gain some ounces and that he doesn't develop any complications.

Jarrett and I, along with our families are completely smitten with our precious little peanut.  We pray tonight and ask God to watch over him, protect him, keep his safe, healthy and moving in the right direction.

Thank you for all the blessings you've given to us in our lives God.  And as Isabelle likes to say, "God Bless Noah"

Until next time,
Good night,
Angie