Week 8- still sick

Week 8. February 21, 2015

This week feels in some way the same as last week.  I kind of feel like groundhogs day only instead of the script of that movie, my movies goes something like this…

I feel sick all day and night.  I feel like I have the flu 24 hours a day every single day.  I can’t sleep.  I have to watch what I eat because it is a constant game of eating enough to not throw up due to an empty stomach and eating too much but too few fiber and having problems the other way.  It is a delicate game of balance in which I can’t seem to find my grip.  I keep falling off the damn balance beam.  I can’t imagine that is helping the way I feel either. 

I am worn out.  Between not sleeping, feeling like I’ve had the flu for 3 weeks and taking care of the kids, the only way I manage is by counting down the hours, then the minutes until I can find my favorite spot on the couch.  Seriously, I don’t even know who I am anymore.  Jarrett reassures me that it should end by the beginning of the second trimester.  While I appreciate his positivity, I can’t even imagine how I’m going to get through at least 5 more weeks of this.

And that’s part of the reason I feel so emotional.  For so many years, I longed, prayed, wanted nothing more, than to experience the feeling of a little person growing inside of me.  And here I sit today, never having imagined just how difficult, how unpleasant (yes I did just say that), how hard this whole “wonderful experience” would be.  I can’t even believe I’m saying that.  As an infertility expert, ( think I can consider myself an expert after the years of fertility drugs, the 5 rounds of insemination and the multiple fertility doctors that confirmed… “You are infertile.” ), I honestly struggle with how I’m feeling.  I feel so disappointed in myself that I can’t feel overwhelming happiness.  That I’m not crying tears of pure joy of the true magnitude of this miracle.  I just can’t get there.  No, not yet.  I’m too bothered by how horrible I feel. 

One of the hardest things is trying to hide it, to pretend everything is perfectly normal.  The truth is, just getting out of bed is a huge challenge.  And yet, I have to “pretend” I’m my happy, cheery self at work, with family and friends.  I have to pretend to hide the fact that I am about to be sick all over the place as I stand to talk to our neighbors.  I’ve found myself becoming more and more withdrawn.  I was always the mom to stand outside each day after school to greet the boys as they got off the bus.  I haven’t done that in weeks now.  It just seems like too much energy to walk outside.  The nauseousness I feel  is so overwhelming I don’t want to talk to anyone, not even my family. I want to lie on the couch, zone out to TV and pretend, just for a second, I don’t feel worse than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. 

The kids, specifically the boys, know something is up, but don’t ask any questions.  The boys see me lying on the couch day after day and they hear me talk about how my stomach feels so crappy.  And then there’s Isabelle, it seems to affect her more than the others.  She’s always been my shadow and she is definitely not use to seeing me lay around like a bump on a log.  Every morning she comes to me and asks, “Mommy don’t feel good?”  I tell her the same thing every morning, “NO, honey I don’t feel well.”  To which she always hugs me.  She’s also been more clingy lately.  She insists on being right next to me every second of every day.  While I lay on the couch, she has to lay with me.  Yes I know, the girl who never stops moving, stops to lay with me.  And she insists on being either on top of me or as close to me as possible.  Normally I’d love her cuddling, I know that time is dwindling, and yet, it is so hard to let her be on top.  Everything from my mouth to the bottom of my stomach hurts and while I’m not “showing” my stomach is definitely bloated and hurts. I try to be as patient and cuddly as possible, just sometimes I don’t feel like I want anyone near me.  And by near I mean anyone within a 500 foot radius.  Again, who am I?

Earlier this week, I went to the doctor for my next appointment.  Where my last appointment was more of an information gathering meeting, along with a blood draw, and ultrasound; this appointment was the real deal… full exam and all.  Due to my ‘advanced maternal age’ (if that doesn’t make you feel old), the doctor went over every possible genetic screening she would recommend we do.  I didn’t think Jarrett needed to be at this appointment.  I was caught off guard when she wanted me to tell her which genetic tests we’d like to do.  Yeah, I read the packet of information she gave me last time, but I didn’t know I’d have to make decisions so soon.  I said, “To be honest, I’m still processing that this is really happening, I’m sorry I didn’t know I needed to decide this now.”  She was understanding and said we should discuss and give them a call with our decision.  After the “inspection” that my insides are all good, the doctor wanted to do another ultrasound to make sure everything was okay.  Being that I am like a fish out of water when it comes to pregnancy, I have no idea what is normal, what is something to be concerned about, and what is because, here’s my favorite word again, my ‘advanced maternal age.’  I agreed, why would I not want to receive confirmation that everything is okay.  Gosh darn if, for how terrible I’m feeling, I sure hope this little person is loving every minute of their all-inclusive, free resort stay.  The doctor said now that I’m 8 weeks they should be able to see everything without using the long wand- my term not hers, and that by rubbing the sensor on my stomach they’d be able to see it everything was okay.  At this point, I honestly could care less what way they use to check the fetus, I feel so terrible, it isn’t like its going to make me feel worse, and I know I’ll have my business exposed in more revealing ways in the future, so what’s the difference?  I guess a tiny bit of me appreciated her thoughtfulness though, the pre-pregnancy Angie definitely would have preferred that preference. 

So she slapped a bunch of goo up on my bloated stomach and started rubbing the wand (for lack of knowing what the real thing is actually called) all around.  In addition to the doctor, her nurse was in the room and while they watched the screen carefully, I watched them.  Unlike last time, when the minute the wand was "applied", and up popped the embro (don’t even know if I’m using the right term), this time there was nothing.  Seriously, this time it was nothing but a bunch of cloudy nothing.  I looked from the screen to Dr. B and then to her nurse.  They were exchanging glances, and I felt for the first time, something was wrong.  Dr. B continued to move things around and started sharing reassuring comments…  “I’m not very good with these ultrasounds, thank goodness I’m not an ultrasound tech.”  For the second time that visit, I wished I would have told Jarrett to come with me.  I felt my heart slow and the anxiety start to fill my insides.  My mind started to race… and immediately it went to blaming myself… “Something bad happened because you couldn’t get happy about this.  While you focused on yourself feeling so sick, meanwhile something bad happened to the baby.”  Thankfully Dr. B interrupted the internal fight I was having with myself and said, “this is really common for me not to be able to see anything this way.  She then decided to do the ultrasound the other way and up on the screen popped the baby, embro, fetus (whatever it technically is at this point).  Right away I was surprised by how flipping big it had gotten from the last time.  And while I starred at “it’s” size, Dr. B and her nurse smiled and said, “Look at that strong heartbeat. Everything looks great!”  This ultrasound was a lot blurrier than the one last time and I’m not sure if it was because it wasn’t as good of machine, the operator wasn’t as experienced or it is was because the little acrobat was moving constantly.  I had read in the one of the many books I’ve checked out from the library that by this week the little monster is moving, but I never thought I’d see them doing flips.  Immediately I thought of Isabelle and wondered if all goes well with this pregnancy, if I’m going to have two runners on my hands. 

After the wave of anxiety left my body, Dr. B told me to make an appointment for 4 weeks from now and to call with any questions or concerns.  I got myself put back together and checked out.  Just like last time, everyone in the office expressed congratulations and I said “thank you” not fully absorbing the weight of their well-wishes.  It still feels like a dream… minus the dry-heaving, never ending nauseousnes sand exhaustion.

The other side of this emotional roller coaster is trying to figure out when to tell anyone or everyone.  Jarrett received a lot of confidence from Dr. Balk at our last appointment when she said, “After seeing a heartbeat the chance of carrying the baby full term is around 95%.”  Now that I’m at 8 weeks and a heartbeat has been confirmed, I understand the percentage increases to 98% but I’m still leery to  shout the news from the rooftops.  Right now the only people that know, other than Jarrett and I, is my sister MaeLyn and soon-to-be brother in law Aaron.  See, our wonderful, miraculous timing is so great in that, I will no longer be able to be in or even attend their wedding, as I’m not allowed to travel… read.. I could do into labor at any time.  We decided we needed to tell them right away for many reasons… a)I’m the matron of honor in their wedding, b) I’ve been helping to plan a lot of the details, c), kind of an important thing to share, if I can’t be there for the actual day.  We decided the risk to share wasn’t as great as the need to pass along information.  Therefore, we told them after our first ultrasound.  They were extremely supportive, never even questioning why this happened when it did.  They remind me, it is a miracle. 

And now we struggle with who to tell next and when to share the details… Jarrett wants to tell his parents soon.  Actually tomorrow.  His parents have decided to sell their house, now that they are “retired” and want to move into a retirement community.  With our surprising news, we’d like to encourage them to “move” closer to us to help with the village of kids we will soon be parenting.  It takes a village to raise a village right?   So the plan is to share the news with them tomorrow.  I made up a valentine’s day card to give them, even though we are a few weeks “late.”  Get it, it goes along with the whole theme.  Here’s a picture of the card and what it says…

So they will be the next one’s to know.  And from there, we plan to wait a while to say anything else.  We hope to share the news with the kids and our other family members at the beginning of the second trimester.  I look forward to that day and pray the weeks between now and then, go quickly, bring me a relief from the sickness and that the baby continues to grow healthily.

Until next time,
Angie

It's the small things....

that sometimes mean the most!

This week Jarrett is on the East coast for work.  He's been gone since last Friday and while its normally a challenge to handle everything while he's gone, this time I was even more nervous about it.  

Maybe its the hormones, maybe its just me. So when Jarrett's mom and dad offered to help me while he was going to be gone, I was so thankful.

The past 5 days that he's been gone have actually been manageable only because of them.  This past weekend we had 3 baseball games (in less than 20 hours) and not only were they at all three of them to help me with the kids, but they took the boys all night Saturday evening and on Sunday, they took all three kids!  Honestly, they took them from right after church until that night.  They treated the kids to all the fun things Nana and Papa's do with their grandchildren including a movie and popcorn at the theater.  

It was SO relaxing on Sunday to have the entire day to myself, and while I'm going to admit it felt very weird not to have three younger people to keep track of, I continued to remind myself, this was a day I could use for anything I wanted to do.  I spent the day by going to the grocery store and by working on my sister's wedding invitations.  It was amazing how many things I got done.  And even though I was lonely, I enjoyed the day tremendously.  

I'm so thankful for their help.  

And if it couldn't have gotten any better, it actually did.

This morning when the kids and I got up and went to grab a clean bowl from the dishwasher we started the night before, all we found was stinky dirty dishes.  I didn't have time to investigate it too much, I wrote it off to, well this is the one thing that had to break while dad was gone (seriously anytime he goes away there is always something that breaks).  I tried to reset the system, it wouldn't work, so we resorted to hand washing a few bowls, leaving all the rest, just to get us by.  As typical mornings go, we raced out the door 10 minutes late and left the house like a twister had blown through.

My father-in-law can fix anything so once I got to work, I texted him and asked him if he might have time to stop over to the house and look at our dishwasher.   He of course said he'd be happy to.  At work he called me to say he figured out it was a bad computer board and that we'd have to have it replaced.   

After our conversation I thought, we'll that will probably be another couple hundred dollars to get that fixed and the darn thing isn't even 3 years old.  Oh well, that's just how life goes.

And then I got home and found this....

You see that?!  It may just look like a pile of dishes to you, but to me, it has been the highlight of my day.  Those dishes that you see there are clean dishes.  Not only did my father-in-law stop over and spend many hours trying to fix our dishwasher,  he then spent even more hours researching how he can find the part to help save us some money.  And on top of that he then washed our dirty dishes so we didn't have to come home to find dirty dishes!!!!!

Is that not the nicest thing ever?  Seriously I got all teary-eyed when I put the pieces together that they were cleaned and that he had done it for me.

There are many things in life that mean a lot.  These past 5 days, which I normally would have faced knowing they would be stressful and sometimes overwhelming have been so manageable because of the great help of Nana and Papa.

From the quiet and peaceful afternoon to the clean dishes sitting upon my counter, I'm oh so thankful for their help.  While it may seem to them like what they did was small, to me it seemed oh so big and it really means the most.

Thanks so much for all of your help!

Until next time,
Angie

What was that you said?

This afternoon as I was preparing dinner, Gabriel was talking to me about his day.  As I reached over the stove to ground up some hamburger I noticed him taking a look at my belly.

The boys have been VERY curious about this whole pregnancy idea, asking me daily if the baby in my stomach is growing, if "she" (they think or want it to be a girl- just so Isabelle has someone to play with and stops playing with their toys) can hear me or them talking, and just how big my stomach is going to get.

Gabriel was in mid sentence talking about his school day when he said, "Mom, Dad says you're putting on a bit of weight."  Upon the words hitting my ears and the seconds it took for me to comprehend what he said, I turned to Gabriel and must have given him a look of "WHAT, DID YOU JUST SAY?"  Gabriel while completely innocent in sharing his comment, immediately realized what he said must have been not-the-right-thing-to-say because he immediately started backtracking.... "Um, well I mean, um, I mean, um it kind of, just a little bit, not really actually, looks like you might, um, are kind of going to have a baby, maybe."  

I couldn't help but laugh.  Poor kid was digging out of that hole he jumped in as quickly as he could and I don't think he ever meant any insult.  

I think Gabriel made an immediate mental note to never ever say anything about weight to a girl again.  

It was only a few seconds later when I texted Jarrett to say... Guess what Gabriel just told me you said....  

Needless to say, I got a phone call a second after the text was delivered letting me know, Gabriel's translation was nowhere near what Dad actually said.  

I'll mark today's comments down in the file... "Things Women NEVER want to hear!"  

Until next time,

Angie

It's real... Week 7

Monday, February 16, 2015
Week 7

Last Friday afternoon, I sat in the lobby of my new OBGYN's office nervous.  For years I've been going to my "lady doctor" with hope that just maybe I could get pregnant.  Now I was sitting there, with five positive pregnancy tests at home, a week of feeling like I've had the flu every single minute of every single day and night, and I was waiting for a confirmation.... a confirmation from a doctor telling me the tests were right.

Jarrett joined me at the appointment and maybe it's common for pregnant ladies to feel like this, but while I have a million and one emotions about this news, Jarrett's nothing but elated/excited/over the moon happy.  Having him sit next to me, I could feel his happiness and pride in our news. I watched the minutes tick by on my watch and couldn't wait to get back there to meet with the doctor.  For I had three kids back home with a baby sitter I told I'd be back to in less than an hour  (they told me it would only be a 30 minute appointment).

I had already peed in a cup and didn't know how long it would take to get the results.  Seriously, at home, the results came back instantly, no need to wait the three minutes... all of them read "pregnant" immediately. After three other women were called back, the door finally opened and the nurse called my name.

Jarrett and I stood up and followed her behind the frosty glass door.  We immediately went to the scale.  Now let me take a moment to pause.... I do not own a scale, I never have.  The only time I'm ever weighed is when I go to the doctors office for my annual exam.  I try not to let numbers guide me in life, instead I try to go by how I feel, how my clothes fit, how I look in the mirror.  Getting on the scale within 5 steps of walking behind the frosted glass, it was like a red light hitting me in the head.  I realize I'm going to have to change my way of thinking and the purchase of a scale is soon in my future.  I need to get use to seeing the scale climb higher and higher, and I think maybe seeing baby increments of increase at home might be easier than larger ones between appointments.  Ahhhh, I digress.

I stood on the scale and she recorded my weight.  Knowing I was already 6 weeks pregnant, I wondered how much, if any weight, I had already gained.  After writing down my lovely number, we followed her to an exam room where she instructed me to sit up on the exam table.  No matter how I sat, I made the paper sheet crinkle and crackle in every single way.  I was vividly aware, I was the patient.  As a mom of three and a wife of a cancer survivor, I'm usually the one sitting in the comfy chair taking in all the information from the doctor, not the patient.  Today I was the one all the attention was focused on.  The nurse took my blood pressure, 126 over 74.  She said it was good, but I could tell my nerves were making my heart race.  She recorded the numbers and said, "Dr. B will be in to see you shortly."  The door closed and it was just Jarrett and me again.

While it was only a few minutes, it felt like hours, and finally a knock followed by the opening of the door.  A beautiful, young lady, with curly long hair walked in carrying a laptop.  I smiled and wondered if she was another nurse.  I reached out my hand to shake hers and she introduced herself.  "I'm Dr. B, nice to meet you Angela."  And there was another reminder, I was in a new place... I'm only Angela to people I'm meeting for the first time or when I'm in trouble by my mom or dad.

With the gentle but kind grip of her handshake, and the smile on her face, some of my nerves disappeared.  Before she said anything else she said, "Congratulations, you're pregnant."  Even with five positive tests at home, hearing her say those words, were still just as shocking.  Jarrett and I looked at each other, smiled and as he said, "thanks!", I said, "I'm still surprised."  As we started talking, it soon became clear to her why we were so surprised, why this pregnancy is a miracle and nothing short of that.

I explained... We have been married for more than 11 years and haven't been  birth control since we got married.  We tried for many years to have a family and could never get pregnant.  We went through rounds of fertility treatments, fertility drugs for years, 5 rounds of insemination, and not a single positive test.  I have PCOS and in addition to cysts, I have endometiosis.  In 2013, there was a large cyst/tumor that was removed from my right ovary and then they went into do the surgery they found endometriotris in several places that had to be removed. Additionally my husband is a cancer survivor and went through chemo which had long term effects for him.  Our fertility doctor told us that the chances of us conceiving on our own were slim to none and that the only chances of us possibly conceiving were if we did IVF.  We were eventually led down the road of adoption to which we have three beautiful children.  We thought our family was complete and then, we learned we were wrong.

As I shared the details of our story, it was almost as if I could see my doctors heart warm to us.  She smiled as we talked about what a surprise it was, and then she said, "Your guy's story makes me love my job.  You're some of my favorite patients."  She went through several additional questions and boy was I thankful Jarrett was there.  I know the role of the patient support, I've played that position many times.  This time Jarrett was there for me, and I couldn't have been happier.  I knew I had a hundred or so questions to ask and yet sitting on that uncomfortable exam table, I couldn't think of one.  Maybe its the crinkly paper that makes one's mind go blank.

The doctor told us about prenatal vitamins and the importance of drinking water.  She said to drink 3 liters of water a day!  Holy water Batman!  I already have to pee every 2 hours, and I'm not drinking nearly enough water.  I think I might just move into the bathroom for the next 8 months.  She then asked us if we had any questions and Jarrett started right in.

• What foods should she avoid?
• A:  A whole list of things, she gave us a packet of paper to read.
• How can she find a way to get more sleep?  Right now she doesn't sleep more than 4 hours a night.
• A:  There's nothing really that can be done. That's the mother's body preparing for when the baby arrives and the baby is up every couple of hours (Side note:  What the h$^%:  Seriously, I remember with Isabelle the first year of her life, we didn't get any sleep.  No one told me it would be almost a whole year of no sleep BEFORE the baby even comes, followed by a whole another year of no sleep again.  I was reminded of yet another perk of adoption).
• Angie will be 35 when the baby is born.  Given her age and our past struggle with infertility, is she at a higher risk or considered a high-risk pregnancy?
• A: Yes, because she will be at 35 years of age upon delivery, she is considered in advanced maternal age (I so dislike that term).  Given that factor, plus your infertility background you would be considered a high risk pregnancy.  (I thought to myself, great, as if I don't have enough emotions running through my mind, then here's another thing to add to the list.  And then I tried to reassure myself, more regular monitoring could be a good thing, it will provide me with more reassurance right?
• Angie is a runner... I jumped in.  I love to run and less than a month ago I ran a half marathon.  Is it okay if I still run or would you advise against it.  
• A; She said, running short distances and making sure your heart rate stays below X amount (sadly I don't remember what she said), I think it would be okay.  That being said, if something would happen as a result of running, how would you feel?  If that is something you wouldn't want to face, I would advise you to do other exercise activities, like walking or swimming.  So basically, I don't advise you to run until after you have the baby.
• She has O negative blood type and I understand some time's a woman's body with this blood type will start to reject the fetus... do we need to worry?
• A; There are certain things you want to watch for and call us immediately... any bleeding or severe cramping.  If you haven't had any of those things happen, that's a good sign.  But we will monitor you, so make you let us know if anything like that happens.
• Finally, the question, I was most dreading and praying for an answer I wanted to hear really badly... Angie's sister is getting married in September, specifically September 19 and it is back in Iowa.  Will she be able to go?
• A:  Looking down at her computer and calculating how many weeks along I will be she said, You will be 38 weeks at that time, and that is considered full term.  We do NOT advise any travel after 36 weeks for risk of going into labor.  If you would travel to the wedding and go into labor you would deliver back there and then you'd have to find a way to get a newborn back here.  They wouldn't have any of your medical history or be familiar with your pregnancy, therefore I'm sorry but I don't see anyway that you will be able to go.  (Hearing her say the words I feared, but secretly knew deep down was the real only answer to our question, made me sad.  I've looked so forward to MaeLyn and Aaron's wedding and thought, even if it was just one month later.  But as I think of that, I'm reminded again, just how much my life is not in my own plan, but in God's plan.  This was suppose to happen, and happen now.  Who am I to question or feel sad about, so I try to to push those feelings down and give thanks to God that he's showing us, he's watching out and hearing our prayers.

I think Dr. B could see the disappointment in hearing the words, "You can't go to your baby sisters wedding... the one you are the Matron of Honor in" and so she said, The next step in this process is for you to to have an ultrasound so we can check the embro and make sure everything is okay.  Now that you are past 6 weeks, we should be able to see the heartbeat.  Usually we do the ultrasound in a week or so followed by blood work,  would it give you some peace if we tried to do everything today to make sure everything is going okay?  Doing my best to hold back the tears forming in my eyes, I said, "Yes please."  Now keep in mind my appointment was at 2:30 p.m., we weren't taken back until almost three and as she was saying this, it was well after 3:25 on Friday, the 13th (of February).  She said, "excuse me one minute, I'll go see if I can make anything happen for today."  She left the room, I looked at Jarrett, didn't say one word, but he knew what I was thinking..  He said, "I know MaeLyn and Aaron will understand.  They will be so happy for us, you don't have to feel sad."  After all this time, he knows what I'm thinking and I don't have to verbalize a word.  

It seemed Dr. B returned right away and said, "We are going to fit you in.  Jennifer will be in shortly to take you to get an ultrasound and we are going to draw some blood now."  The nurse was right behind her.  As the nurse prepped my arm, Dr. B said, "Here is a packet of information we usually give you at your next meeting.  I can tell you like information so I'm going to give you this now and you can bring it back the next time we meet and review any questions you have.  She smiled again, told us congratulations and that she'd see us soon.  By the time she left the room, I looked over at the nurse working on my arm and she had already filled one vile and had 4 more left to do.  Thankfully she made the whole thing pain free and I told myself I better get use to having blood drawn too.  

Before she finished drawing my blood, Jennifer the ultrasound tech was standing at our door.  She came in, introduced herself and led us down the hall to her room.  I thanked her over and over for getting us in the same day and told her how much it meant to us that they made things happen.  She led us into the tiny room, Jarrett took his seat in the corner.  She let me use the bathroom again (seriously it had been almost an hour and a half and it was time to go). I got ready for the ultrasound and then a knock at the door.  I said, "come in" and the door opened. To our surprise it wasn't Jennifer, but instead Dr. B.  She said, "I wanted to come watch if that's okay.  I'm so excited for you guys!"  Behind her was Jennifer who came and she started the ultrasound.

As an infertile woman, I use to think I had had more ultrasounds than some second and three time moms, and yet it was never for the exciting news of having a baby.  It was usually because of some pesky cyst causing trouble.  In the many times of having an ultrasound, I've come to know what the screen looks like, not that I necessarily know what I'm looking at but I've come to recognize what seems normal and wasn't isn't.

With Dr. B standing next to me, Jarrett at my other side and Jennifer by my knees, the ultrasound began and immediately I saw it, him or her, I don't know.  Right there, like a perfect balloon sack with a tiny tiny baby was in the middle of the screen, and within a second I noticed the beating heartbeat.  It was beating rapidly.  It was like the world had stopped.  Everything paused for a single minute and I tried to process, to take everything in and to capture every single detail of what was happening.  Like the world had gone silent and I was in the moment... I knew just how special it was.  Dr. B chimed in, breaking the silence, and my stare at the baby growing inside me with a live beating heart.  She said, "Congratulations, everything looks perfect!  The baby has a very strong heartbeat and the implantation is just like we want to see.  Now that we've seen a heartbeat, the risk of miscarriage is less than 5%.  I cried.  It is real.  This is really happening.

Dr. B said congratulations again and said, now I'll see you in a week or so.  She left the room and Jennifer continued checking everything else to make sure all the bits and pieces looked good.  As she did her thing, I felt the need to tell her how surprised we were by the news.  I said, we already have three children we adopted and never expected a 4th.  Jennifer said, "Well I think you were meant to adopt your two boys and little girl first.  There was a plan it sounds like and you were meant to have this little one too."  Hearing her words were like music to my ears.

I'll be honest, telling people we are having a 4th child is another thing I'm worried about.  I know its silly and Jarrett tells me not to give it half a thought.  Yet, I do.  I know how many people thought we were crazy to grow our family with the third child.  And now we are going to have a fourth.  I already get strange looks at the grocery store, what will they think when I have all four of them.  So maybe it's me being extra sensitive, or maybe its me caring too much what others will think, but hearing one of the first people that know we are pregnant be so supportive, was just what I needed to hear.  And yes, I do understand it is her job to be supportive, but I'm just going to ignore that and pretend she was honestly happy for us too (that's what it felt like at least). 

Within a minute or so the ultrasound was done and she was up cutting pictures apart from the ultrasound machine.  She handed me a stack of 15 or so pictures and told us congratulations again.  She left the room, I handed them to Jarrett, got myself together and we walked out to the waiting room.

As nervous as I was sitting in the waiting room praying to go back and quickly as possible, I left that doctors appointment feeling like it couldn't have gone any better.  Not only did we get a confirmation that a little teeny tiny baby is growing inside me but we also saw it first hand with our own eyes.  We saw a heartbeat and received reassurance that everything is progressing just as it should.

My next appointment is in just over a week, and I have a feeling I'm going to be praying this first trimester is over as quickly as possible.  We are very excited to tell people but want to wait until at least 13 weeks to make sure everything goes as planned.  So for now, we will keep our secret and pretend nothing big is happening.  But we know it is.  Here are some pictures of our teeny tiny baby and our biggest surprise!

 Yep, that's my name on that ultrasound picture... its okay, I had to take a double take too.

It's real.
It's definitely real.

Until next time,

Angie

This is no joke... hold on while I puke.

Post from: February 14, Valentines Day.

I'm officially 7 weeks pregnant and while it is way too early to tell anyone or fill them in on our secret, the truth is, I'm afraid there's no way someone isn't going to figure it out.

How can they not?

Clue #1: At work (really it is the entire day and night), it seems I have to pee every 15 minutes.  Actually it is more like every hour and 15 minutes, but still, I've never peed this much in my entire life.  And the crazy thing is, once I get there, I really didn't have to pee that badly,  it just felt like I was going to pee my pants.   I've come up with a story I hope is convincing when I'm asking about my visits to the girls room.... I'm really trying to focus on staying hydrated so with all the water I drink, it has to go some where right?  Does that sound like a good story? I hope so.

Clue #2:  I'm sick.  In the books they call in "green in the gills".  Just reading that reference makes me think of fish and the thought of fish makes me dry heave.  Speaking of dry heaving, yesterday was a particularly "fun" day.  I decided to count how many times my gag reflex kicked in causing me to almost be sick.  In three hours after getting out of bed, I reach 60 times of dry heaving and decided that was enough counting for one day.  Seriously, I understand it could be worse, but I feel like I have the flu 24 hours a day, everyday.  And that does not include how wiped out I feel.

And that leads me to clue #3:  Do you know how hard it is to hold down puke while you are meeting with a student about their career future?  I discretely cover my hand over my mouth and begin praying I don't get sick right in front of them.  Sadly I have no idea what they have just spent the last few minutes telling me, I can only concentrate on talking myself off the puking ledge.  This is my biggest fear and I hope it never becomes a reality. I can only wonder that the students I meet with wonder why I keep my mouth completely covered and barely utter any words throughout our appointments.  I do try my best to give them advice and insight into their questions, but I also give myself a little bit of a break when I realize they would probably rather have me be quiet than share my breakfast with them on the table where we are working on.

Clue #4:  I feel and look like I've been hit by a bus.  Maybe a truck.  I'm not sure which, but the one thing I am sure of is this... I have NEVER felt this worn out.  The dark circles under my eyes have stretched all the around and have fully encircled my eyes.  I know this is partially due to the growing embryo inside of me, but also in part to what I've come to learn is another side effect of pregnancy... insomnia.  Seriously, can I get one break?  At night my head hits the pillow and I'm usually able to fall asleep pretty quickly (as long as the "morning" sickness that seems to last all day and night isn't raging at that moment).  And I'm thankful for being able to fall asleep quickly.  What drives me crazy is the fact that I wake up anywhere between 45 minute to an hour and a half later (because I have to pee) and no mater what, I can't get back to sleep.  I think I'm averaging about 3 hours of sleep a night.  In the week and a half since I learned I am pregnant, I think I've watched every single infomercial on TV and I thought it would help me get back to sleep, but no. Finally around 5:20 am I fall back to sleep only to hear Gabriel get up at 5:45 a.m.  We asked the doctor about this and she said it is my body getting ready to care for a newborn baby who wakes up throughout the night.  I'd love to tell my body I don't need 8 flipping months to prepare for no sleep---- let me SLEEP NOW PLEASE!

Clue #5: Raging hormones.  I feel bad for my family.  I hope they still love me after all of this.  Seriously some days I ask myself... where did the real Angie go?  Oh my goodness, certain things (tiny things) make my blood boil and there's nothing I can do (or at least I feel like I can't do anything) to control it.  It could be as simple as "WHO DIDN'T SHUT THE BATHROOM DOOR?" to "WHY IS THERE ONLY A DROP OF MILK LEFT IN THE GALLON?"  I told you it was small stuff.  For some crazy reason, silly things seem like the Mount Everest of problems to me and it is always someone else's fault.  I realize I'm being irrational and that I'm a raging lunatic and yet telling myself to calm down, only leaves me feeling even more crazy.  So I've come up with a solution.  When I feel myself start to become "crazy hormone lady", I try to remove myself from them.  I either go to our bedroom or I send the boys to play in their room.  The boys have spent more time in their rooms the last two weeks than they've spent in a long time, and while they may wonder why they are constantly asked to go to their room, the truth is they've found a new found love for many of their toys they forgot they had.  So I consider it is a win-win right?

Clue #6:  I already feel like I've been more open and raw in this post, than I've ever been before, but I have to share one more thing.  My expanding body parts... and I'm not talking about my growing stomach.  I'll try to share this as delicately as possible, as I know family members read this and I don't want to make anyone completely uncomfortable... slightly uncomfortable, sure that's fine.  So back to the growing body parts... I've never been voluptuous.  Actually I am the complete opposite of that. And while I'm definitely still not Pamela Anderson, the truth is I've never had this much to ever deal with.  Holy moly, that was one of the first signs I knew something was different this time around.  Not only do I feel like I'm growing melons on my chest (okay maybe not melons yet), but I'm not sure what to do with them.  Like a great husband, Jarrett reassures me its definitely one of the positives of pregnancy.  Glad he is so supportive.  I'm not yet convinced.  If they didn't feel like I've every nerve in my body has been punched every time Isabelle jumps on me, maybe I'd feel differently.  Okay, enough about that.

Clue #7:  I'm not good at this whole secret thing.  So what's the first thing I did after getting 5 positive pregnancy tests?  Well, after calling a doctor, I went straight to the library to check out as many pregnancy books as I could find and downloaded every pregnancy app I could find oh and I started on pre-natal vitamins my OBGYN prescribed.  And here's where I forget about important details in keeping a secret.  You can't leave all the pregnancy crap out when you have people over or a babysitter.  Yep, I've made that mistake on numerous occasions already.  I didn't even think about it.  Last Friday when I went to the doctor for the first time, I had a sitter come watch the kids.  Isabelle wanted to play on the I-pad so I gave in and told the sitter it was okay.  It wasn't until the middle of the night that following evening that I realized just how stupid I was... All of Isabelle's apps are on the same page as my pregnancy apps.  Yep, pretty sure, actually completely confident she saw all the pregnancy apps and my pre-natal vitamins sitting on my night stand.  My only hope is that she writes it off.  For Pete's sake, I thought I was as infertile as infertile could be.  Maybe other people view me the same way.  I tell myself that, but I'm pretty sure she knows.

So here's why I think our secret will slip before we want to share the news.  Here's hoping with each week it gets better. I'm already counting down the weeks til the second trimester.  The books tell me its going to get better, and I can't wait. There's a miracle growing inside of me and while it is amazing, wonderful and truly a blessing from God, I can't wait till I feel a little bit better.

Until next time,  I have to wrap this up as my bladder is going to explode,
Angie

Surprise of our life time...

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Three years ago when we received a phone call from our case worker telling us we had been selected to become Isabelle's parents, it was a big surprise.  I remember thinking that was probably the biggest surprise I'd ever have in my life.  And it was... until today.

This morning Isabelle woke up around 4:15 and called my name.  I crawled out of bed, still in a daze and praying it was still the middle of the night.  I walked to her room, snuggled her back into bed covering her with her four blankets, one at a time, in the order they need to go in.  I kissed my hand, placed it gently on her forehead and whispered "good night I love you" before tip toeing out of her room.  As I walked back into ours, I made the split second decision, I was going to do it.

Three weeks ago tonight, I had just finished my first half marathon meeting my goal of doing it in less than 2 hours.  I remember lying in bed, feeling completely exhausted when I finally pulled up the sheets and turned over.  That day I wrote it off to having just completed 13.1 miles.

Last Friday I sat on the back of the tour bus as we made our way to the employer site visit.  I know riding in the back of the bus isn't the greatest place to be when it comes to car sickness, but I figured it wasn't that long of a ride.  As we pulled onto the freeway, I started playing with the air vents, I couldn't get enough air.  Light headed, foggy and crossing between the feeling of fainting or throwing up tousled in my mind and in my stomach.  I told myself to take deep breaths and to just calm down.  I texted Jarrett, "I don't feel well, I think I'm either going to throw up, or pass out."

Since the race three weeks ago, I've been determined to keep up my exercise routine, I've put in too many miles to just let it all go by the wayside.  And yet, I feel like since I crossed the finish line, my legs, my lungs, my brain forgot how to run.  Never have I felt so exhausted simply by walking out the front door.  I blame it on not following a good diet.  I have slipped back into my pre-running diet-  Pizza on Friday, a soda here or there.  And sugar, well I have a love-love relationship with it and lately its been getting the best of me.  But still I press on and try to figure out what's causing this not-feeling-like-myself self.

Sitting in the bathroom I pull out the test.  I secretly had pulled it out from under the bathroom counter the night before.  While the expiration date was November of 2011, I thought, maybe it will still work.  In the early dark morning, I followed the instructions, finished up, went out to wash my hands and then went back to check.

For well over 10 years of my adult married life, I prayed, begged and promised God I'd do anything if only he'd give me that positive test.  And yet, with the rounds of fertility treatments, the pills that made me constantly sick, and the thousands of dollars thrown in the Sharp container of used fertility filled needles, my test was always negative.  In the cabinet under my sink, I have a collection of tests... from ovulation tests, to pregnancy tests, instructions for when to give drug x and when to test for ovulation.  An all of it for not.  Never a positive, never the news one wanted to hear.  And for years, it was heartache, after monthly heartache.

And then my sister got pregnant and secretly, I worried I'd feel jealousy.  Instead, I honestly felt happiness for her and nothing for myself.  And at once, I was fine with it.  In the years of struggling with trying to grow a family and not being able to, I always worried, I'd never get over the pain of seeing others pregnant and wishing oh so much that it was me instead of them.  I've written about it in the past and kept in a journal only for my eyes to see.  Then, I was seeing first hand my sister with a tiny baby belly and getting to touch my hand to her stomach to feel the baby move, and again completely and honestly happy.

I can't say for sure what the exact moment was when I finally let it go.  But I'm oh so thankful I did.  As we left Iowa this past December headed back to Arizona, I remember for the first time in my life, being 100% okay with never experiencing pregnancy, never giving birth to someone of my own blood.  I have three wonderful children that are more mine than the blood in my body.  I believe God put Jarrett and I in this world, in this place to become their parents.  It was his calling not ours.  And that's how I thought our story would be written.

I dried my hands off on the towel outside the bathroom and peeked back inside the door to the test sitting on the pack of toilet paper.  I looked down and saw one line going up and down (the comparison line) and the test result line showed a plus.  I couldn't remember what it meant so I grabbed the box with my heart paused mid-beat.  I looked at the box with the pictures and the results, looked at the test and found the matching picture... pregnant.

I couldn't believe my eyes and my heart was up in the back of my throat.  Without even realizing what I was doing I raced back to the bed, jumped in and woke Jarrett instantly... Jarrett wake up, you have to see this NOW!  I always dreamed of finding some creative, exciting way to show him we were pregnant, especially all those years when I dreamed it would happen.  And now, with my brain wiped clean like a new chalkboard, I couldn't even process what I was doing, I was still processing the picture the read "pregnant"  Still in a complete daze he made his way to the bathroom and I handed him the test.  Like me, he was instantly awake.  "Wow" was his first word followed by "really?"  We both stood in the dark bathroom with a dim light staring at the test and staring at each other.  Our dream had come true, 12 years later, in God's time, not ours. Jarrett was instantly thrilled.

Five tests later (seriously the shock didn't decrease with each positive result), 9 hours of a day filled with many thoughts, and distracted actions, trying to keep the train on the tracks, when I felt like we had just his a major stopping station.

I'm still processing how this all feels. I go from feeling nauseous (literally), to overwhelmingly excited, to nervous, to blessed, to worried (what will everyone say when we tell them we are having a 4th child?).  Jarrett reassures me it will all work out.  He jokes, "we have 9 months to figure this out, we've never had this much time before."  I guess he's right.  And if there's one thing that gives me a calming sense that this was God's plan, it's this...

For 12 years Jarrett and I have tried to grow our family by becoming pregnant. After turning to adoption and being blessed with three amazing children, I finally closed the door of having a biological child, and felt thankful for the gift of being a mom.  With my sister's wedding just under 9 months away, I was excited for that... to get in shape, to fit into a tight, sassy mermaid style dress.  Isn't that a joke... now I'll just be excited if I get to be there.  And who knows by then we'll almost be a family of six.

That's the surprise of a lifetime.

Until next time,
Angie

The Great Big Easter surprise....

This Easter will go down in history (well, at least in the history of our family) as one never to be forgotten.

This year, Jarrett and I broke tradition and we gave the kids an Easter gift of our own.  This year, the kids got to open a present on the eve of the holiday and it was a gift, they never expected, but will never forget they got.

Here is the video of the gift we gave the kids... warning, you may want to sit down as you watch this....

Surprise!  We are having a baby!

Yep, that's right.  Jarrett and I surprised the kids with the news that we are again growing our family.

Yes, come October we will become the Haskovec party of six!  Yes, we were surprised too.  No, we didn't plan this.  Yes, its okay to feel shocked, we felt that way too.  Yes, we are pregnant!  Yes, we can hardly believe it too!

The last several weeks have been filled with so many emotions, and if we are being honest, several of them were spent processing the reality that this is really happening.  Now that we are officially in the second trimester and everything is looking great, we wanted to share our surprise with you.

In the coming days, I'll post blog posts written several weeks ago, as I recounted what we (I) were (was) going through and how the journey has been thus far.  We hope you'll follow along with us as we celebrate this surprise, find joy in the wonder of letting go of "our" plan and following a greater one and the excitement of what it means to be Haskovec Party of Six.

I guess it might be time too, to change the title of this blog.  Haskovec's Two Little Angels, is a bit outdated at this point.

If you couldn't tell from the video, the kids are pretty excited.  

In fact the boys said, "This is the best Easter ever!"  

Until next time,
Angie