2015 a year in review...

As you know 2015 was a year filled with the greatest of blessings and the biggest of heartaches, and yet as I reflect back upon the last 364 days, I can't help but think that the blessings were bountiful.

So I take some time today to reflect back on the past 12 months, of all they brought us and the reminders of so many good I've been blessed to have in my, in our lives.

January

After spending the holidays in Iowa for Christmas we returned back to the desert just in time for the boys to begin their first experience at flag football.  They loved it and look forward to playing again in the future.

Just a couple of weeks into the new year Mom ran her first half marathon since becoming a mom.  What a nice reminder that my love of running didn't have to go away after becoming a mom.  I was very thankful for the support of my family cheering me on.

The big highlight in the month of January was getting to go to Disneyland as a family for the first time.  Nana and Papa went along and it was a trip we will always remember.  So much fun, so many smiles and memories to last forever...

Waiting to meet Anna and Elsa

February

Gabriel prepared for his big presentation at school, dressing up as President Bill Clinton. 

 Looking at him with silver hair makes me feel like I'm looking into the future.

 We also moved Isabelle out of her crib and into a big bed.  She loved her crib so we never even thought about moving her until Nana and Papa shared one of their twin beds with us.  Seeing her in her big bed and how much she loved it even more than the crib, made me soon realize our baby had grown into such a big girl.

 We also celebrated Isabelle turning 3 and of course she insisted on having Frozen cupcakes.

Hard to believe our baby grew up so quickly. 

Oh and speaking of babies, February also brought us the biggest surprise of our lives...

We were expecting a baby...

March

Papa and Dad started building a castle for the boys (both big and small) to play with.

Isabelle, being her silly old self insisted on eating cereal with her baby dolls bowl and spoon.  It was the 30 minute breakfast... only because 3 rice krispies would fit on a spoon each time.

 Oh and baseball season was in full swing...

April 

Easter blessings!

 We shared the news with the kids and it wasn't long before everyone and anyone knew our news... Three pretty excited kiddos that they were going to have a baby sibling.

 And a couple complications gave us another chance to see our precious miracle.  What a pretty side profile... 

May

Brought Mom's trip back to Iowa for Uncle Jonas and Kacee's wedding, as well as MaeLyn's bridal shower and a surprise baby shower for us.  At the shower we also did a cupcake gender reveal to share the news, we were having a...

BOY!

Mom loved getting the opportunity to meet her new niece Willa and to play with nephew Mason.

Meanwhile back at home, Queen Elsa (aka Isabelle) helped with chores...

 Enjoyed playdates with her friend Frankie...

And enjoyed being treated like the queen she fully believes she is.

June

The month of June was whirlwind for many reasons, but a month I'll forever replay and relive over and over in my mind.  The month of June brought the unexpected news that our son was going to join us earlier than we ever planned.  

My water broke early on the morning of June 8th at 23 weeks pregnant.  Thankfully we stayed in the hospital for a week before our third son, Noah James Haskovec entered into this world.

Our last ultrasound pictures before his debut.  To say he was squished inside was an understatement.  Yes those are his arms and his legs crunched up infront of his face.

The first picture we got to take of Noah after he was born.

Mom's first trip to the NICU  to see her son.  Noah was just an hour old here.

As Dad and I stood at the top of his bed, Noah raised his hand up above his head as if to say, "Mommy and Daddy, I see you... want to hold my hand?"

At this time, we didn't think we could touch him, it would be the following day when we got to touch his beautiful hand for the first time.  

Such tiny toes...

 and long beautiful fingers...

every single ounce of Noah we love and cherished.  While God had a different plan than what we wanted, he allowed us to spend 12 wonderful days with our miracle baby.

Before we had to say goodbye..

 Our greatest joy and biggest heartache all in one short month.

July

The days after Noah's passing were quite the blur as I tried my best just to get out of bed each day.  Thankfully family stayed around for some time after and we went through the routine of trying to find a new way of living.  We went to As You Wish Pottery and chose a piece to paint in Noah's memory...

 The cousins enjoyed playing together.

Gabriel finished playing on the All Star baseball team

 And the kids did their best to play as kids do.  Being kind to one another and trying to find a way to make their mom smile again.

 The boys also participated in swim team...

 And Mom and Dad decided to take a vacation away, just the two of us.  It was the first time we had ever taken a vacation, without the kids.

My every thought always seemed to drift back to my baby, that I'd never get to hold in my arms again.

But we did our best to smile and enjoy the moments we still had..

 We went sailing...

 And watched for signs of rainbows from our littlest angel.

August

We tried to rebuild moments of family happiness as we together mourned our brother and son no longer with us.  

 We rejoiced in the reminders from Heaven that Noah will always be with us, in a different way than how we dreamed.

 Dad and Mom celebrated 12 years of wedding bliss and were reminded just how strong we are together... for we had just lived through the worst experience and come through together stronger and more in love than ever.

 We gave thanks for visitors who came to offer support and love and to remind us that we can smile in the midst of so much sadness.

 And even if we weren't ready to say goodbye to summer, it was time for school to start once again.

First day of school... Isabelle wasn't too thrilled with the idea of going back to school!

September

Family moments...

 We celebrated Dad being honored at the 40 under 40 awards...

 And the big event for the month of September that we all celebrated at was the wedding of MaeLyn and Aaron...

 Pretty great looking kids if I do say so myself... 

So fun to celebrate MaeLyn & Aaron

 While  you can't see it here, we took this picture with the rainbow that appeared on a beautifully sunny day.  It made me so happy to feel Noah close to us on such a special day.

I love this picture of Isabelle.

And while it is hard to tell, the boys didn't have any fun.  Nope, no fun at all.

October

October brought the month we expected Noah to arrive, and to honor him we instead participated in Noah's Kindness Project.  We were so deeply touched by the outpouring of support we received from so many who performed acts of kindness in honor of our son.  It was a day that brought so much goodness into the world but also healed us in ways we never expected.  We are so grateful for the support from so many.

From a very successful food drive...

 to the mountains of diapers collected from the boys' school in honor of Noah...

 From our reactions you can see... we were simply blown away!

To the love and unwavering support from our parents.  We shared rainbows of kindness with others...

 and smiled as a family with genuine happiness...

 We raced in honor of Noah to help prevent child and human trafficking...

So thankful for family and friends who joined us that day to make it so special.

 And we took gifts back to our friends in the NICU for other families.

 Such a meaningful day... a healing day, that reminded us of so much love and kindness we have been given this year... all because of our littlest angel.

Dad and Mom enjoyed seeing Garth Brooks in concert.

 And we celebrated Halloween, with a Ninja, a Ghostbuster and Minnie Mouse.

November

We relished in the signs sent from Heaven from Noah.  

And we prepared for the holidays with anticipation and wonder...

Celebrating at Zoo Lights, a tradition we've had for the last several years.

 And while we will now always feel a member of our family is missing, we still capture the memories of being a family... a family separated by two worlds, but with love in our hearts that will never be  distanced. 

 December

While our hearts are heavy in not celebrating this Christmas with Noah, we still found many reasons to smile.  Grandma and Grandpa came to visit for a few days... and made Xmas cookies

Isabelle and Grandpa bonded over some zzzzzzz's.

Thanks to Nana and Papa, our house was decorated as it has been in years past.

 With even a new Christmas tree.... its obvious who its for.

And we celebrated the reason for the season.  We give thanks to God for all the gifts we've been given this year...

Sunset on Christmas... outside of Noah's final resting place.

With a handmade angel of love to watch over him.  

We will always love, always miss, and always cherish the times we had.

What a year 2015 was.  So many blessings, so many good times.  

So much to be thankful for, because of so many of you.

As we anticipate 2016, we pray for abundant blessings, for the health of all and for true happiness.

Until next time,

Angie

Dear Santa...

 I'm writing this letter as I'm feeling a little blue.  

I  hope you don't think I'm asking too much of you.

You visit every year and leave us such wonderful things,

but I'm wondering if you visit all the children who have wings?

I know you are very busy, so much to do in one night

but could you please make an extra trip to the starts that shine so bright?

You see my baby lives up there.  Just too perfect for life on earth.

No presents I could send to truly show their worth.

Please leave them as a gift and put a stocking on their cloud.

Filled with precious presents from their family on the ground.

Please stroke his sleepy head and tel my baby I love him so,

that my heart aches with sadness and my tears just seem to flow.

If you could do this for me Santa, I may even be able to smile,

even if its just for a little while.

So thank you very much Santa for all that you do,

after all its Christmas in Heaven too.

Yours sincerely,

A Mother to an Angel

So many emotions...

With Christmas literally around the corner, I feel so many emotions running through my mind and my heart.  I sit here and look at the beautiful Christmas tree decorated in Noah's honor and can't help but think, I'd give every decoration in the world back if it meant I could be holding him in my arms instead.

I didn't know how I'd feel going into the holidays this year although I openly admit, when I thought of it, it made me sad to think of all the firsts we were not going to be able to celebrate. And yet, my true love of Christmas made me look forward to the holidays with the same awe and wonder I feel each season.

In going with the theme of this year, this Christmas is going to be different than what I would have planned.  Not only is Noah not here with us but this year we will be celebrating as a family... apart.  Yes, you read that correctly.

To basically make a long story short, this year has been difficult for all of us, not just Jarrett and I.  Our children have struggled as they each work through the grief of losing their longed for brother in ways each their own and some with more success than the others.

Of Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle, Michael has struggled the most, and while we don't know fully what has caused his actions as of late, we (along with the help of professionals) believe losing his brother has not only caused grief for him, but also a resurgence of many emotions, feelings and insecurities from his life before us.  Without going into specifics, the last few months in our home hasn't been easy or pretty, as we struggle to find out why Michael's feeling the way he does, why his actions come out the way they do, and how we can get through to him to help... as that is what we want more than anything.

Of the many different outlets we've tried, one thing we've found, that seems to be a light in a dark cave, is that Michael connects with and has attached to his grandfather.  Many children who have been in foster care or suffered significant losses like our children have, suffer from attachment disorder.  Many times it is because they didn't receive the care they needed as infants, many times it is from situations I don't even like to think about.

When Michael gets to spend time with Grandma and Grandpa, but especially my dad, I see him light up and connect/engage in a way we often don't see.  A couple of weeks ago, my parents came out for a short visit and as the time for them to say goodbye again came, it was clear, Michael's heart was very heavy.  My parents suggested that we surprise our boys and for Christmas give them a trip to Iowa.  Our kids love Iowa and what awaits them back there, more than they like Disneyland.  Okay it might be a close second, but still, to them Iowa is a vast open wonderland of fun.

At my parents first suggestion, I scoffed, no way I thought.  What kind of mother would send her children away on Christmas?  And then I walked into say goodnight to them to find both boys tears in their eyes that their time with Grandma and Grandpa was so short... again.  And then Jarrett and I started to talk about it...  What would be the worst that could come from it... yes we'd have to pay outrageous airline price at such late notice and yes I'd feel sad to not hug and kiss my kids on Christmas morning, but what about their happiness?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized, maybe Jarrett, my mom and dad were right.  Wouldn't giving them a trip to Iowa, a trip where they didn't have their mom over their every shoulder telling them what they could and couldn't do, be the best gift ever?  Thinking of their reaction and each time we've told them we were going to Iowa, I knew immediately how they would react.

And then we talked to others, our counselors in part to get their input.  Their response, echoed the tiny tiny voice in my head that was allowing me to consider it.  For Michael and Gabriel, maybe it would be a nice break they have needed from the stress, the sadness and grief that has consumed our house these last six months.   Maybe, just maybe knowing that this will be an emotional holiday in our home, giving them this trip would spare them from added sadness we feel but remains voiceless.

And so that tiny voice in my head, turned into an accepting okay as long as we can Skype, I can talk to them anytime I need and that they know, it wasn't I didn't want to spend Christmas with them, it was that I want their happiness more than I want my heart to feel satisfied.  So we said yes.

Last Tuesday we held our family Christmas and fighting back tears, I watched the boys open the box under the three that held the sign I had made for them announcing their Christmas gift from us this year.  You should have seen the light in their eyes as the read the message they were going to get to spend Christmas in Iowa.  Their reaction priceless, I don't know why I didn't think to record it, but in those minutes of celebration I was confident we had made the right choice.

Does that mean my heart won't be sad on Christmas morning as I wake up to all of my boys not with me, no, I know my heart will feel all of their absences fully, but the truth is my heart was going to feel an absence anyway.  I will still smile knowing they will wake up on Christmas morning happy and in a home that won't be burdened down with the grief we still so strongly feeling in missing Noah.

So Christmas apart... its the theme of 2015.  I just pray 2016 bring us a Christmas that feels the opposite.

If I had any doubts just how much fun the boys would have had, their phone calls and updates remind me, of the joy they are living.  Gabriel and Michael have become entrepreneurs, setting up their own cleaning business, with hopes of raking in the dough.  Michael told me his goal is to make $10,000 over break.  If nothing else he sets high goals right?  Gabriel is the worker I understand while Michael will manage the business.  In hearing the boys talk, I feel like I can hear that spunk, that spark, that "I'm gonna keep you guessing" spirit that has always been our Michael... up until late.

The boys are having fun and that makes my heart happy for them.

And while they are having fun back in Iowa, Isabelle, Dad and I are enjoying time together.  Isabelle has never known what's its like to have all of mom AND dad's attention all at the same time.  While she always demands lots of attention I think she's enjoying the extra one-on-one time.

Last night Isabelle, Dad and I build a gingerbread house and we laughed and smiled all while doing it.  As we worked to assemble it, Isabelle turned to me, as I was seated next to her and said, "Mom, is Baby Noah done at the hospital yet?  We need his help here."  I looked at her, fought with my internal might to hold back the tears welling in my eyes, and looked to Jarrett as if to say, "help."

Isabelle continues to ask and talk about her brother more frequently than anyone else.  Most mornings as she brushes her teeth she'll sing a song about loving her baby brother that is to her own beat and with words she puts together.  And then there's the questions in the car, in her room, at night when I tuck her in, or at dinner, breakfast and lunch... "Mommy, where is Heaven?"  "Why is Baby Noah in Heaven?"  "Why can't we see Heaven?" "I want to see Baby Noah, can we go now?"  More days than not, I have no idea how to answer them in terms an adult would understand, let alone a three year old.  But at the same time, I long to hear her questions, I hope she never stops asking them and I pray that she will always remember her baby brother Noah.

The other day I came across an article from a mother who had lost her baby in utero, and she struggled to find the words to explain to others how she felt, or what she had lost.  As she went through her feelings and explaining how she looks at death differently, I couldn't help but relate.  She stated that she looks forward to Heaven someday as it means she will get to meet and be with the child she never got to know, to raise, to love in person.  I feel wholly the same.  But she also said she views the death of her child, with an understanding that her baby was never really hers anyway.  She said, "I believe we are all children of God and that our mighty spirit allowed me to carry this child for so many days before calling home his own.  As his mother, I was allowed to be with him for a set, short amount of time, but in the end, he wasn't really mine."  At first reading, I stopped and thought, NO WAY.  I do not agree with her perspective at all.  Noah was and will always be a creation of love from Jarrett and I.  But then I sat and thought some more.  Isabelle asks me frequently, "Why is Baby Noah in Heaven?"  and then I realized how I answer her every single time, "Honey, Baby Noah in his Heaven because Jesus needed him there."  It hit me, I guess this grieving mother who I so fully disagreed with was right... I believe we are all called home at the time God decides and for Noah his time to go home was at 12 days old.  As much as it breaks my heart, its the truth,  I should be grateful for the 24 weeks and 12 days the Lord let me have him.

On Christmas day Noah would have been 6 months and as millions of children across this world wake up to gifts, I know my heart will be wondering what Christmas morning in Heaven looks like.  I pray to feel Noah close to us that day, I pray that happiness finds its way through the heartache and I smile looking forward to Isabelle's reaction as she rips open her gifts.... for pure happiness on Christmas morning can surely be found in a three-year-old eyes right?

So many emotions this Christmas... so many feelings to feel.

Until next time,
angie

6 Months... Merry Christmas in Heaven.

Noah, the minute I woke up my first thought was that today you would have been six months.  Maybe that's why I didn't sleep well last night, that my mind wouldn't turn off, that I couldn't seem to settle.  Not having you in my arms is still a daily heartache I face, from sunrise (or before) until well after sunset.  Maybe that's just the way life will be from now on, I don't know.

I wonder so much what you would be like, if we'd be home from the hospital for our first Christmas, if your light hair would have turned darker and how much you would have grown. Christmas seems to have lost some of its magic for me, I guess that's because part of my heart (this heart that loves Christmas so much) is no longer here with me, but up in Heaven with you.  I miss you so much and my eyes well with tears just at the thought of you.

But I've tried to keep going, to try and put our lives back together since you left us, I've tried so hard to wake up and find a reason to put one foot in front of the other.  It has been the hardest thing I've ever done, and I suppose will continue to do.

I've been terrible at recording it here, there has been so much that has happened these last six months.  Even though I wanted time to stop and forever relive those 12 days we had with you here, life goes on, time passes and we've continued to live.

Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle seem to have grown literally in front of my eyes overnight.  I feel guilty I haven't shared much about them lately on here, so much to celebrate and highlight in their lives, as yet each time I logged onto here, all I could do was pour my heart out about how I feel about you.  I guess its maybe because I can talk to them anytime I want, and somehow when I log onto this computer, its like its my time to talk directly to you.

Your big brothers have grown so much.  Just a few weeks ago we went to the doctor and learned Gabriel has grown three inches this past year and Michael isn't far behind with almost 2 3/4 inches.  Its no wonder their pants seem like high-waters on them.  Must be all those double lunches (literally) they've been eating.

This fall we decided to take a break in all our activities to just be a family and regroup.  It has been the best thing and its another blessing in the midst of sadness I am thankful for.  We probably would have never stopped the hectic schedule to just live.  It has been so good, and I don't think any of us miss the racing around with practices and games multiple times a week.  It has been nice to have regular family dinners around our dinner table, although I'd be lying to say I don't think about you every time we eat and how we are missing a chair (or highchair) for you.  Adding one more chair to our already too small family dinner table was suppose to be another fun part of welcoming you into our lives.

Gabriel has been thriving at school, taking on leadership positions and thriving in his studies.  We are thankful that he makes friends so easily, adapts to situations without too much difficulty and continues to be our big helper around the house... helping Isabelle in the mornings and caring for Jack.

Someday Gabriel will be a wonderful dad, he's caring and selfless (unless it comes to cereal- the kid eats a TON of cereal) and Noah, I know he would have loved to help take care of you.

You already know this as I talk to you most nights and ask you to ask God for help, but Michael has been struggling for reasons we can't be 100% sure, but fear its grief in missing you, and struggles from his life before us rearing their challenging heads.  While this year has been hard for all of us, Michael seems to have struggled the most.  Emotions running wild, behaviors not typical of him and sadness we see coming out in ways never seen before.  Grief counselors, families who've been in our same shoes, and even his pediatrician warned us we'd all get through this differently and in our own way, but some days, Jarrett and I feel helpless in how to best support him.  I guess that when we have to rely upon the experts to guide us.  We pray for him, that he finds comfort in how to get through these difficult days.  Between losing you, having his best friend move away two weeks later and going back to school a couple weeks after that, he's struggled and I want him to find happiness and peace again.

As much as this fall has been hard on Michael, the impact he makes in our family is wonderfully irreplaceable.  He reminds me its okay to be late, life doesn't always have to go the way I want it to go, and that smile and those eyes... those are just a few of the things that's going to take him many places.  

And then there's Isabelle.  Our endless bundle of bossiness, we can't imagine our lives without.  She's almost 4 going on 15 and she still runs our house.  From the first moment she wakes in the morning and slams her bedroom door on her way to ours, or the way she screams out for Mom or Dad to come to her in her bed, on those days it too cold to get out of hers.  Either way, she makes her presence known and no one in our house needs an alarm clock; maybe that's Isabelle trying to do her part for the family.

While the boys are growing so quickly and the ways of the world becoming clearer and clearer to them, Isabelle still lives in a world of wonder, amazement and the belief that anything is possible.  She talks about you daily and asks where you are a few times a week.

Christmas through the eyes of a child who lives in this reality, is really the best way to view the season and I'm so thankful she has reminded me of the joy Christmas can bring.  A few weeks ago, Nana, and Papa helped us to put up our Christmas decorations and I think they enjoyed the day as much as I did, thanks in part to Isabelle.  Faster than we could unpack the boxes of decorations, Isabelle had ripped through them, pulling out her favorites and placing them in various places around the house.  She'd put her decoration where she felt is most appropriate, step back to admire her work and with her hands on her hips say "That's perfect" or "Isn't that cute?"  I was dreading decorating for the holidays when my heart feels so many conflicting emotions, but having Isabelle around reminds me, its okay to be happy and miss you, all at the same time.

When I feel so sad Noah about missing you, I try to remind myself that these three beautiful children need me here now and I need to do my best to care for them.  Thinking back through the journey we went on to become their parents, I realize there must have been a greater plan at work, for us to get chosen to be their forever mom and dad, and when I realize all the pieces that had to play out perfectly for us to be together... I smile at the marvel this life has brought.

And then there's this guy...

No, not Gabriel or Michael, but the one in the middle holding up those two, now huge boys.  This has been a picture Dad has taken with the boys since our very first family picture 5 years ago.  We joke about how many more years he'll be able to pick both of them up, before they try holding up their dad.  As much as we laugh at Dad's grunting (he wouldn't tell you that) attempt to hold up two 75lb plus boys, this picture is an accurate reflection of exactly what your daddy has done for all of us these last six months.

Noah, as delicately as Daddy held you in your final hours here on earth, your daddy has been delicately holding all 5 of us still here these last difficult months too.  It's a weight I am not sure how he manages, but he does without complaint, no shared sign of the stress it must be.  Dad has been holding our family together for many years, but especially these last 6 months.  On days like today, when tears flow more than the rest, when the sadness of missing you becomes to hurtful to bear, he quietly embraces me, tells me he understands, and reminds me of all the blessings and reasons we must press ahead... he knows its what you would want to.

Its on days like today that I do not know how I'd ever be able to face this burden without him.  I'm thankful each and every moment that he's my partner in this life.  

So Noah, that's how we've been getting along.  Some days the road is easier than others, but all days you're constantly on my mind and in my heart.  This Christmas will be one of many emotions and I know not all of them will be joyous.  We've tried to honor and celebrate you as if you were here with us.  As you know, your momma loves Christmas trees, I think Daddy thinks it an addiction, and so when I asked him if we could add yet another Christmas tree this year, for you, he didn't hesitate in saying yes.  Everyone in our family gets a Christmas tree, and we of course couldn't leave out you.  When a friend and I were talking about how to decorate the tree for you, she suggested a rainbow tree and I couldn't have agreed on a more perfect theme.  So together, the family went to Michael's favorite store (Michael's) and together we picked out the decorations we wanted to adorn it.  I added twinkle lights (as you are the twinkle in the sky when we look up at night) and the colors of the rainbow, and complete with an angel on top made especially for us from Nana and Papa.  This tree has become my favorite in our house.  

Noah, your presents this year will not be wrapped in boxes with pretty bows, but we hope you know our gifts to you cannot be wrapped.  Our gifts this year to you, and every year in the future, will be sent to Heaven through prayers, wishes and love.  Your family loves you so very much, we miss you more and more each day, and we want you to know while you're not physically here, your part in our family will always be great and never forgotten.

All of us love you, all of us miss you and I hope you feel the love we send your way.  This year for Christmas, you want to know what your biggest brother asked Santa to bring him?  Besides the clothes and socks he really does need, he asked for a rainbow on Christmas Day.  Yes, straight from his heart, that's what he wants.  Noah, the impact you've had on our lives is ever-lasting, just like our love for you.

Merry Christmas in Heaven darling.  I hope you have a wonderful time spending your first Christmas with Jesus.  I can't imagine just how wonderful its going to be.

I love you forever, Mommy.

5 Months today... and counting our blessings.

Five months ago today we said goodbye.  My heart longs so badly for you, the tears in my eyes flow and I wish so badly that you were here with us, on the eve of Thanksgiving in my arms.  Oh what a wonderful reality that would be.  How I imagined our life to have been just a few 6 months ago.

Today I know that those dreams will never become a reality and my heart aches so much... oh just to feel you again.

While I long so badly to feel you close, to soak up your beautiful innocent, perfect smell, I find blessings all around me and so I must give thanks.

I give thanks for the health of my three living children, that they can run, can play, can laugh and can share in all the world has to offer.  I realize now just what a gift that is.

I give thanks for the most wonderful partner to share this life with, to help carry this burden with me.  I give thanks for his health, for his strength, for the love he continues to give, and for constantly being there for me on days like yesterday, when the sadness becomes too great.

I give thanks for family and friends.  Those who reach out, who call and text to check in.  Simple messages to say you continue to hold us in prayers, who share their love and kindness.  For new friends, Noah brought into our lives and to established friendships that have weathered the test of time.

So many blessings among such sadness.  Never did I imaging this life back in February when we learned Noah was coming into our lives and never did I imagine 5 months ago today, being able to crawl out of bed so many days since.

Life doesn't get easier, instead I think one finds a way to live with the pain, to function in a way that seems "normal" to society, to push down the hurt and heart ache until in the comforts of home when its okay to feel all that this reality brings.

Noah, I miss you.  We all miss you.  On this Thanksgiving eve, I want you to know my number one blessing this year is you.  You surprised us, showed us miracles can happen, The happiness, the joy and the love that we feel because of you, is such a gift.  Noah while I only carried you for 24 weeks, and touched you for 12 days, the impact you've left on my heart, in my soul is permanent.

I love you my precious Noah.  Life is full of more blessings because of you.

Happy Thanksgiving my baby.  I love you forever....
Mom

5 Months...

Five months ago today Noah was born and changed our lives forever.  We miss him greatly and not an hour goes past in every single day that I don't think about him, that I don't miss him.

The grief these days is different than it was a few months ago.  Where the tears just a few months seemed to never stop, now they come at times when I least expect it, or when I think I'm doing okay.

Last Saturday morning I sat in the chair and reflected on life with the front door opened to let in the morning's cool breeze.  I listened as Jarrett and the boys played catch outside, as Isabelle sang songs to her dollies in her room and with all the noise happening around me, I still felt like something was missing.  Then I realized, it was Noah's voice... a tiny baby cry, or a giggle.  I wonder what noises he would be making if he were still with us.  I looked to my left, saw the picture of his precious face in the picture in our stand and the tears came again.

I miss him so dearly, I long to hold him in my arms, to be able to smell him again, to kiss his silky soft skin. Its moments like that when I really stop to think what life was suppose to be like, that the grief is overwhelming again.

These last 5 months have been the hardest days of my entire life, of all our lives.  Yes, they are easier than the days from the end of June and July, but they more difficult than any of my hardest days before Noah came to us.

The truth is, I'm finding more peace with living here and having Noah as an angel above.  I look for his signs, he sends them regularly for which I'm so thankful and I talk to him as if he were able to hear what I say.  I don't like the reality that we live in but with no choice to change it, I'm trying to find ways to accept it and remain connected to him.

People always ask me about how the kids are and for the most part they are okay.  I've seen us all struggle this fall and don't know if I can attribute it all to the great loss we suffered.  Jarrett and I try to parent to the best of our ability, but find many days we struggle just ourselves to get through the day.  As parents, our patience is tested, our will weakened, and some days the struggle too real.  The boys have acted in ways that we don't support. quite regularly these last several months.. more lying, deceitful behavior and arguing tendencies like we have never seen.  I suppose its because all of us are more stressed than we have ever been.  Its days when they seem to demonstrate all those negative behaviors at once that I look to the sky and ask "why?"

I don't get a response.   So we keep on keeping on.  I've come to grow so reliant upon Jarrett, it scares me sometimes as I use to think of myself as a strong independent woman, I realize now I need him more than ever.  He willingly takes on more and more as I try to get through the day without raising my stress levels too high.  I'm so thankful for him, I try to be there for him although I know its nothing like what he gives to us.

This is the first month since this journey began that I woke up and with the feeling of acceptance in our reality.  I say again, I WILL NEVER like it, NEVER be okay with what happened, but I accept it today.

Jarrett and I continue to give thanks for all that we have for we know our lives are so blessed.  So many continue to check in on us, send messages of hope, of support, of love.  So many continue to keep us in their thoughts and prayers and feel the strength from those actions.  I'm starting to find glimpses of joy in thinking about things in the future.  I haven't gotten to trust that the future is going to be what I hope or plan, but I try to find things within my control that can give me glimpses of joy. I live very much in the moment, for I've learned that's really all we have. Like this afternoon, Michael was recognized at school for demonstrating the quality of hope.  Jarrett came home early to go the awards assembly and Isabelle and I joined him.  Afterwards Jarrett, whose been wanting to see the new Peanuts movie, suggested we go to it.  We spontaneously decided to go and as I sat in the theater with our family, enjoying a movie together and eating popcorn, I realized how lucky and thankful I should be for all that I have.

I also realize that today was a very joyous day for many people and through their happiness I feel excitement for them.  A friend who has been a foster mother to a beautiful boy for quite some time emailed me today to share the news they get to adopt him.  She thanked me for being a role model and for sharing our journey.  While I definitely don't feel like a role model, I am so excited for her and what the future holds ahead for them as they finalize the adoption and become a forever family.

Another friend, who was a high school classmate of Jarrett and mine, celebrated her birthday today and also the great victory of taking home her beloved baby today.  Her daughter was also born prematurely, after 162 days in the NICU, she finally is going home. I can't imagine how sweet tonight must feel for them.  She and I reconnected over many messages, texts and picture exchanges these last few months.  I am overjoyed that their NICU journey has ended with such a fantastic result.

And then there's my sister, her husband and their children Mason and Willa.  Today, after more than a year and 2 months of fostering their son,today they adopted him and became a forever family.  I remember the first day Megan and Adam welcomed Mason into their home, he was so tiny, barely over 5 pounds.  I prayed that they that they would get to keep him forever, and today their dreams came true.  Mason is such a wonderful thriving toddler, so happy and in love with Megan, Adam and his baby sister Willa.  As much as Mason is a gift to them, Mason won the lottery in finding his perfect family.  It's a match made in Heaven.

So that is where we are.  Some days life feels tolerable, others overwhelming, but I'm learning I think that's the life we live in the midst of grief.  I continue to count my blessings for so many of you, you've held me up so many times when I didn't feel strong enough to do it myself.  You've given me hope, encouragement, love and kindness and reminded me in so many ways that I am so blessed, we are blessed.

I miss Noah, we miss Noah, and while he isn't physically here, I still feel him everywhere.  I found this quote the other day and it kind of reminds me of where we are right now.  Of course I love it because it talks about rainbows but it honestly explains most days how I feel...

Noah, I miss you.  I love you forever my precious angel.  Until we see each other again... love, Mommy

Until next time...