Prayers for a friend...

Things happen in this world that often make no sense.  I've lived through several things in my life that I'll never understand why they had to happen.  The most painful times in my life, no justified answers or understanding of why.

Tonight I sit in my bed and read the blog of my friend and ask myself why?

Amy and I have been childhood friends from the beginning.  Literally she was born one year to the day after I was.  Our parents friends, we grew up together.  From birthday parties to high school teammates on state winning track teams.  Amy and I grew up together.  She was my personal attendant for my wedding and I was in her wedding.

A great person through and through.  She went to school to become a teacher, a math teacher and even though life took us in different directions... us to Arizona, she and her family in Maine, then back to Iowa, each year on May 29th, no matter how long it had been since we talked, we'd text each other, sending birthday greetings and well wishes.  Just like that, it was as if we had just talked the day before.

And that's just one reason why this news is so hard to take.  Amy is not only a great teacher, but she is a wife, a daughter, a sister and a mother... to three beautiful children, her oldest about Gabriel's age and her youngest not even a year old.  Its just not fair.  Its just not right, I said in my text to her tonight.  And while I'm sure the question in her mind is "Why?" I tried delicately to say, we will never find an acceptable reason for why.  Instead we must find a way to accept it, and to seek hope, find faith and unwavering determination to put one foot in front of the other and walk the journey no one should have to take.

My friend Amy was diagnosed, at the young age of 35, today with stage four breast cancer.  The words that it had spread to the bone in three places... words no one ever wants to hear.  Amy has been documenting her journey via her blog and is asking for prayers as she begins the fight of her life.  She believes in prayer and I do too.

That is why friends, I ask for your help.  Please join me in sending thoughts, prayers and well wishes to her.  She could use every and all prayers as she begins the scariest and hardest journey of her life.  No one deserves this.  No one can be prepared to hear those words... its cancer.  It isn't fair, is isn't the way her life should have to unfold.  But this is the reality she, her family and those that love her face today. So please join me in holding them in your thoughts, your prayers and your wishes for health and healing.

I told her tonight that prayers are more powerful than any diagnosis or prognosis.  I've witnessed the power of prayer first handed as well.  And I know that prayer can move mountains and make miracles a reality.  Amy can use all the love and prayers she can get.

Thank you for thinking of her and for cheering her on with the rest of us.

Until next time,
Angie

The Next Place

These last few days, the ache in my heart of missing Noah has been greater than normal.  I'm not sure why, I guess that's just how grief is.  Sometimes it sneaks up on you and these last couple of days, its been eating away at me.  

And as much as I try to push the feelings down, and keep those thoughts in my head, there is a little girl that seems to know what I'm feeling. Maybe she feels the same way too.  On Monday morning as I got ready for work, and she got ready for school, she stood next to me in the bathroom watching my every move. I finished up and together we walked from my bedroom toward the kitchen.  With a lull in our conversation and no words spoken between us, my mind raced with thoughts of Noah.  When out of the blue, almost as if she read my mind, Isabelle said, "Momma, where is baby Noah gonna sleep when he comes here?  Are we gonnna build a cradle for him?"  I paused and waited for her next question as I could tell she wasn't done.  "Mom, when is he going to come to be in our family?"  

Her questions went straight to my heart and I kept my composure as I reminded her Baby Noah is in Heaven.  I said, "Honey he doesn't need a cradle, as he is with God. And Isabelle, he won't get to come to be in our family like Madelyn, he instead sends us signs."  As I answered her questions I wondered if she really understood what I was saying.  I mean I can't blame her if she didn't understand, I'm an adult and I still don't understand why he had to leave us so soon.  I guess somethings we may never understand.  

Isabelle accepted my response and grabbed her backpack to get ready to leave.  "Daddy?" she shouted, "I'm ready for you to take me to school."  And that was the end of the conversation.  

All day long I thought about him, I tried to picture certain features he had in my head and I sadly admit the crisp, clear images of each inch of his skin that I memorized in the NICU are starting to fade, while the love I feel for my boy I'll never get to see grow, increases.  It makes me so sad to know what I'll never know. I made it through the day and tried to keep busy with other things to push down the grief.

On Tuesday when I got to work my colleague and friend (I hope she would agree) had brought in a book for me to read and borrow.  It was a book we talked about on my first day back to work.  She had found the book and the message spoke to her heart as she grieved a lost family member.  She shared it with me and thought it might touch my heart in a similar way.  She was right.  I read the book at the end of the day and couldn't stop thinking about its message and how it relates to Noah. I read it again on the way home from work.  I shared it with Jarrett last night.  And tonight I read it to Isabelle and Madelyn and tomorrow night I'll share it with the boys.  

The book is called...

The Next Place is the story of what happens when our loved ones leave this place we call home and venture to our forever home.  The book is beautifully written and the images on the page are just as touching.  

It's pages like this that stood out to me...

I'll glide beyond the rainbows.  I'll drift above the sky.  I'll fly into the wonder, without ever wondering why.

 Or this page.... No tubes to help him breath, no scans, no medicine, no wires.  Yes my precious little baby born too soon, top little for this world.  No broken body to weak to keep fighting.  No, in the next place my baby went, he will be how I always viewed him... perfect.

 For I will travel empty-handed, there is nothing I need to bring.  Except for the love of those who loved me, and the warmth of those who cared.  The happiness and memories and the magic that we shared.  

Or this page as the book ends...

With the turning of each page in this book, I find myself feeling peace that dulls the ache in my heart.  Not gone, but weaker, and that always feels better.

Tonight as the sun began to set, I found myself called to search the sky for a sign from my baby.  Madelyn, Isabelle and I made multiple trips outside to see his sign, and each time we found no rainbow but instead beautiful clouds.  It was this image that greeted me 

As I returned back inside it occurred to me that the picture in the book was an awful lot like the image in our sky.  That light that seems to shine on forever in the sky.  Maybe, just maybe I thought...

and then my phone rang.  I answered it to hear it was Isabelle's pre-school teacher. The teacher we've come to love after she had each of the boys in her class.  Not just a teacher, Ms. Stacey is like family.  We in fact call her Aunt Stacey and we love her the same.   

She was calling me to share a story of what happened at school today.  She said, I'm sorry to interrupt your evening but something happened today at school as I just had to share with you."  She continued, "At nap today, Isabelle wasn't able to sleep, so I sat down next to her.  I started to ask her about her baby sister when she looked at me and said... Do you know I have a baby brother?"  Ms. Stacey responded, "I do know your baby brother Noah. Isabelle continued, "My baby Noah lives in Heaven because God needed him more there."  

As I listened to Stacey share the story of what happened today, I held my composure until that final sentence.  My baby brother lives in Heaven because God needed him more there.  Tears rolled down my cheeks.  It hit me, there was my sign. There was the reminder from above.  My heart that had been aching in missing him so, needed to be reassured that he is where he is needed most.  While my sign wasn't in the form of a rainbow, it was sent from above I'm sure.  

My heart in this life will always feel a void, but I know where Noah is now there is only happiness and glory.  My faith tells me the next place I go after this life, will lead me to him and then my heart will be whole.  

Until next time,

Angie

13 years ago...

Thirteen years ago we stood at the alter of the church where your parents, grandparents and great-grandparents said their vows and we began a new life together as we exchanged our "I do's" 

While our lives a husband and wife started on that day, the journey of us had started many years ago.  Looking back now I see that we were babies.  Fifteen and sixteen year olds with a dream in our eyes, not a fear of what was ahead and the love in each other that could move mountains.

And as I look back on the years we've shared together, I'd say we have moved a few mountains.  We've been through some amazing highs (getting married, becoming parents, seeing the world and our dreams come true).  And while the highs have far out numbered the lows, we've seen some lows too.  We've faced them together, arm in arm together and carried each other through when one was too weak to walk for ourselves. Through challenges of cancer diagnosis and treatments, infertility and crushed hopes, and most devastating the loss of our precious son... the lows have been very difficult, but we've made it through and they have taught me that no matter what we are stronger together and can overcome anything as long as we have each other.

This year our anniversary is special not only because of the love we feel for each other, but because of the life we've built together.  Looking back as those babies in high school, so innocent and wet-behind-the-ears, I always dreamed of forever with you, but never realized just how great my happily-ever-after would be.

Jarrett, on our 13th anniversary, I am so thankful for the life that we lead.  Its a crazy one, busier than I expected or planned, hectic more days than not, and some (me) may say stressful.  But its a life I love and wouldn't trade anything for.  Thirteen years ago tomorrow night we danced our first dance to the song, "What a wonderful world".

On that night I felt that Loius Armstrong's song perfectly described the way I viewed our life together.  But now tonight as I think of the lyrics of that song, I can't help but think it still applies perfectly today.

Thirteen years ago I held your hand and said "I do".  I give thanks for each day we have together and I pray that many years down the road, when the kids are grown and gone and we've become grandparents or even great-grandparents, that we can still hold hands and feel the same amount of love.

When I was pregnant with Madelyn and went to one of my doctors appointments, I saw this couple walking together hand-in-hand and all I could think of was you and how someday, that could be us.

  I love you and look forward to growing old together, until then we'll celebrate each day we get.

Happy Anniversary.

Love always,
Angie

Salmon with a side of a fire...extinguisher.

Eight years ago when Jarrett and I were getting certified to become adoptive parents, one of the items we needed for the home was a fire extinguisher... not just one but two.  I never thought we'd use them.  Seriously, I figured they would just collect dust (like the picture below).  Tonight I learned why families should have a fire extinguisher near by.

Last Thursday I went to the doctor and from my blood test the doctor could tell I haven't been taking the best care of myself.  Seriously laying around for 9 months was great for baby, not too good for mom's health.  Not to mention all the medication I was taking... my liver is not happy about it.  The doctor told me to start eating better (no surprise) and to get back into an exercise routine.

So I thought I'd get started this weekend by making salmon.  Our dear friends make an amazing salmon on the grill so I texted Sonya to ask her for the recipe.  I was so proud of myself as I'm not the most experienced (nor qualified) at making fish... other than fish sticks.  But things were going well.  Madelyn was sleeping in her bouncer next to me, while the other three kiddos were playing Legos and Dad was working in the office.  I had the rice cooking, the spinach sauteing, the fish was on the grill and I was cutting up fruit for a fruit salad.  All was well until I walked to the back door to go and check on the fish.  I looked out back to see our grill on fire.  ON FIRE!  And I'm not exaggerating  Literally the flames were shooting out above the grill to the top of our 6 foot fence separating our house from the neighbor's house.  

I ran outside and without really thinking what I was doing I turned all the burners off.  I then tried to walk (more like run) around the grill, while dodging the flames to turn off the LP gas tank.  My hope was that it would not only to kill the fire but also keep the tank from exploding.  I thought the fire would go out right away but it didn't and the flames continued to shoot up higher and higher.

I ran back to the house and shouted for Jarrett inside "THE GRILL IS ON FIRE!" and ran back outside to try and get it out.  Thankfully Jarrett came running out and shut the lid to the grill thinking cutting the oxygen would kill the fire.  It didn't.  

I saw that our salmon (expensive might I add) was still on the grill and while black and charred like a log on a campfire, I wanted to save what we could and asked Jarrett to save it.  He opened the grill, reached in with our metal spatula and pulled it off the fire.  We set it on the paver block and as Jarrett noticed the thermometer on the grill read 800 degrees (and possibly more- as 800 is as high as it goes).

Jarrett then shouted for me to run and get the fire extinguisher.  He ran and go the one in the garage while I got the one in the kitchen.  I was so scared that the tank was going to explode and I wasn't sure if we should even use that type of extinguisher on this type of fire.  At work we are required to go through Fire Safety Training which outlines what type of extinguisher you need for each type of fire.  As the flames continued to shoot up and smoke billow toward our neighbor's house I replayed what I had learned in training over in my mind.  I asked Jarrett if we should call the firemen.  Seriously I was afraid our house (less than 4 feet away) was going to catch on fire.  

At the same time, Jarrett pulled the plug on the extinguisher, stood about 8 feet away and fired.  A huge powder fog filled the air and shot toward the grill.  Immediately the flames disappeared and was instead replaced with rolling smoke.  It smelled like a huge camp fire mixed with the smell that fills the air after a huge building fire.  While I was thankful the flames were out, the smoke was so much that I'm sure it filled the backyards of those houses on our side of the street.  

By this point I was shaking, overcome with fear and my nerves shot.  Jarrett, thankfully stayed calm, went back in the house and got water to pour on the smoke.  I guess those years as a boy scout really did come to pay off.  He poured water on it and the smoke disappeared.  With each passing second the emotions and fears changed from emergency response mode, to reflective mode... what in the world had I almost done?  I could have started my house on fire?  OR even worse hurt my family (or others) very badly if the LP tank would have exploded.  As the reality set in and those fears crept into my mind, I felt worse and worse.  

Jarrett noticed my shaking and told me to calm down, that everything was okay (well not the grill) but that it wasn't worth getting so worked up over. 

I walked into our house with our blackened salmon (don't some restaurants charge a lot of money for that?) and put it on the counter to see if I could salvage it.  I cut off the outer layers and determined it was gonna work.  

Twenty minutes later we sat down for dinner and everyone decided our grilled (somewhat charred) salmon was good.  Meanwhile my heart, mind and worries were still racing through the images of what could have happened.

  Tonight, as I get ready for bed, I'm thanking God above for watching out for us and for not letting anything worse happen.  It really was a good reminder to me of just how quickly things can go from being good to very very scary.  

Thank you God for protecting us and watching out for us and for keeping my family safe.  

And from now on, I think I'll let Jarrett do the grilling... and I'll save the blackened salmon for when I eat out at a restaurant... or at our good friend's house. 

Until next time,

Angie

PS:  To end on a happier, lighter note... Madelyn turned 11 weeks yesterday.  How can she be so old already?

She continues to grow... smile continuously... and melt our hearts... 

If Noah were still here...

This summer I had the boys write in a journal daily.  They could write about any topic they liked.  My goal was to help them improve their writing skills, as well as grammatical proficiency.  There were several journals the boys shared with me this summer that made my heart feel so happy.  This is one of them.

I know it isn't just Dad and I that miss Noah, but all of us.  It makes me so happy and sad at the same time that our children have had to experience such loss, and at the same time, so happy in that Noah meant and still does mean so much to them as well as us.  I know each of the kids grieve the relationship and memories they never got to have with their little brother.  It is journal messages like the one Gabriel shared with me that remind me that we continue to be in this together.  As just like I have days when I miss him and grieve his physical absence in our family very openly and with great emotions, I am not the only one who is on this path.  We all are.

We all miss you little buddy.  We all long to have had things end differently.  And we want you to know that you are and will forever be loved... by all of us.

Until next time,

Angie

Belle of the Ball Soccer Star...

This summer we signed Isabelle up for her first sport activity... soccer.  She was very excited at first and loved going. It was an introductory soccer program and definitely not competitive, which was perfect. Dad took her to all the practices and I got to go to the last one with her big brothers and little sister.  They had a scrimmage and Isabelle did really well.  I was impressed with her coordination and ability to get the ball to go in the direction she wanted.  Here are a few of the highlights from the scrimmage...

Here she is moving the ball down the court.  

Isabelle and her coach.  She was super excited about the ribbon she got for participating.

And here she is at the end of the practice, waiting for coach to introduce all the kids who participated.  Holding her breath I guess, until coach could introduce her. 

The other activity we enrolled Isabelle in this year was a Prince and Princess Ball.  It was a morning program that Isabelle was excited to attend.  I thought it was a program where they could dress up and play pretend.  Turns out instead it was a dance program, where a dance instructor taught them different dance moves.  Guess that's a lesson for mom to actually read the class description prior to enrolling her in activities.  While I told her she'd get to play dress up and have fun at a ball, she instead learned a new dance.  She LOVED it and thankfully didn't hold anything against me that I had no idea what she actually was going to do.  

For their final performance we were invited to come and watch and I thought it was super cute.  While most of the other kids in the class had obviously been in dance for years, I was proud of Isabelle for how excited and into her performance she was... 

My little girl is growing up so quickly.  So often we accidentally call Madelyn, Isabelle as it still seems like she should be that small,  But I look at her and realize she's become a big girl right infront of my eyes.

She truly is the Belle of our Ball.

Until next time,

Angie

Back to school... back to work.

Today was a big day in our house.  Not only did we send off a 5th grader, a 4th grader, a pre-k(er- just feels like I should end it with "er") but today was my first day back at work and Madelyn's first day with Nana and Papa.

We were up super early and thankfully everyone got out the door and on their way in time.   I call that a success.

Tonight we all made it home and heard overall everyone had a great day.  I'm not gonna lie though, all of us are pretty wiped out... in fact, I'm gonna cut this short because I want to crawl in my bed as fast as possible.

But I couldn't not post pictures from our back to school morning...

The one (of many) things I didn't get done before school, was giving the boys' a haircut.  But they weren't complaining, they hate that I make them keep their hair short.

Michael is only 9 years old.  He "forgot" how old he was when he filled in his form.

Yep, it was a great day.  

I think it was hardest on me to leave Maddy but Nana and Papa were so wonderful and sent me pictures throughout the day of all the fun they were having.  It made the stress of missing her go away and I was able to enjoy my first day back.  

So here's to tomorrow... let's hope it goes as well as today went.  

And now... I'm off to bed.... SO TIRED!

Until next time,

Angie