And as much as I try to push the feelings down, and keep those thoughts in my head, there is a little girl that seems to know what I'm feeling. Maybe she feels the same way too. On Monday morning as I got ready for work, and she got ready for school, she stood next to me in the bathroom watching my every move. I finished up and together we walked from my bedroom toward the kitchen. With a lull in our conversation and no words spoken between us, my mind raced with thoughts of Noah. When out of the blue, almost as if she read my mind, Isabelle said, "Momma, where is baby Noah gonna sleep when he comes here? Are we gonnna build a cradle for him?" I paused and waited for her next question as I could tell she wasn't done. "Mom, when is he going to come to be in our family?"
Her questions went straight to my heart and I kept my composure as I reminded her Baby Noah is in Heaven. I said, "Honey he doesn't need a cradle, as he is with God. And Isabelle, he won't get to come to be in our family like Madelyn, he instead sends us signs." As I answered her questions I wondered if she really understood what I was saying. I mean I can't blame her if she didn't understand, I'm an adult and I still don't understand why he had to leave us so soon. I guess somethings we may never understand.
Isabelle accepted my response and grabbed her backpack to get ready to leave. "Daddy?" she shouted, "I'm ready for you to take me to school." And that was the end of the conversation.
All day long I thought about him, I tried to picture certain features he had in my head and I sadly admit the crisp, clear images of each inch of his skin that I memorized in the NICU are starting to fade, while the love I feel for my boy I'll never get to see grow, increases. It makes me so sad to know what I'll never know. I made it through the day and tried to keep busy with other things to push down the grief.
On Tuesday when I got to work my colleague and friend (I hope she would agree) had brought in a book for me to read and borrow. It was a book we talked about on my first day back to work. She had found the book and the message spoke to her heart as she grieved a lost family member. She shared it with me and thought it might touch my heart in a similar way. She was right. I read the book at the end of the day and couldn't stop thinking about its message and how it relates to Noah. I read it again on the way home from work. I shared it with Jarrett last night. And tonight I read it to Isabelle and Madelyn and tomorrow night I'll share it with the boys.
The book is called...
The Next Place is the story of what happens when our loved ones leave this place we call home and venture to our forever home. The book is beautifully written and the images on the page are just as touching.
It's pages like this that stood out to me...
I'll glide beyond the rainbows. I'll drift above the sky. I'll fly into the wonder, without ever wondering why.
For I will travel empty-handed, there is nothing I need to bring. Except for the love of those who loved me, and the warmth of those who cared. The happiness and memories and the magic that we shared.
Or this page as the book ends...
With the turning of each page in this book, I find myself feeling peace that dulls the ache in my heart. Not gone, but weaker, and that always feels better.
Tonight as the sun began to set, I found myself called to search the sky for a sign from my baby. Madelyn, Isabelle and I made multiple trips outside to see his sign, and each time we found no rainbow but instead beautiful clouds. It was this image that greeted me
As I returned back inside it occurred to me that the picture in the book was an awful lot like the image in our sky. That light that seems to shine on forever in the sky. Maybe, just maybe I thought...
and then my phone rang. I answered it to hear it was Isabelle's pre-school teacher. The teacher we've come to love after she had each of the boys in her class. Not just a teacher, Ms. Stacey is like family. We in fact call her Aunt Stacey and we love her the same.
She was calling me to share a story of what happened at school today. She said, I'm sorry to interrupt your evening but something happened today at school as I just had to share with you." She continued, "At nap today, Isabelle wasn't able to sleep, so I sat down next to her. I started to ask her about her baby sister when she looked at me and said... Do you know I have a baby brother?" Ms. Stacey responded, "I do know your baby brother Noah. Isabelle continued, "My baby Noah lives in Heaven because God needed him more there."
As I listened to Stacey share the story of what happened today, I held my composure until that final sentence. My baby brother lives in Heaven because God needed him more there. Tears rolled down my cheeks. It hit me, there was my sign. There was the reminder from above. My heart that had been aching in missing him so, needed to be reassured that he is where he is needed most. While my sign wasn't in the form of a rainbow, it was sent from above I'm sure.
My heart in this life will always feel a void, but I know where Noah is now there is only happiness and glory. My faith tells me the next place I go after this life, will lead me to him and then my heart will be whole.
Until next time,
Angie
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