Our final night together... 5 years ago tonight.

Five years ago tonight, I would have done anything, anything to have switched places with you, to save you.  I begged God, pleaded with him, negotiated and tried everything I could think of to get him to let Noah stay.  

We knew the options left to save him were few and that we needed basically a miracle.  I asked God to please give us one and let him be okay.  To reverse the tides.  By this point in the night I hadn't we had realized that our time with him was limited so we tried to make the most of the time we had.  The nurses in the NICU had cleared out the entire pod and moved the other babies and their families to a different location.  I remember feeling guilty that they had to be relocated and wished so much we weren't that family that was being told there was nothing left they could do.  We called in our family and most people were able to come with us.  We asked our parents to stay the night and the staff prepared a family room down the hall so we could stay with him.  It seemed like a whirlwind and a bad dream I was going to wake up from.

Jarrett and I took some time to go into the family room but I felt guilty not being by Noah's side.  What kind of mom was I if I left him in his final hours.  I remember my chest being so full of milk and hurting but knew there was no point to pump, he would never benefit from it.  My heart was breaking... and I wished I could be taking his place.

I'm so thankful for Melanie and Brandi and Becky and the others who helped find a way to let us hold Noah.  It had been 11 days and the most I had been able to do is help change his diaper and hold his finger.  I can still remember his tiny body placed into my arms.  It was incredible.

Throughout the night we went to his bedside, I'd put my head against the bed and I'd sing him "How Great Thou Art"  I couldn't get the song out of my mind.  To this day I still have a window on my cell phone browser that is open to the song lyrics... the same page I had open throughout his stay in the NICU.I don't know if he heard it, or if it made a difference, perhaps it was more for me.

As the hours ticked by on the clock I dreaded the beeps and I knew each round of cares was one more closer to his final one.  Thank goodness Brandi worked that night and I am sure it was a miserable night for her... I don't know how you get used to it as a NICU nurse, maybe someday she can tell me the secret.

As much as I didn't want him to go, I remember looking at him and I could see the toll the 11 days fighting so hard had been on his body.  He was swollen, his poor tiny veins had been poked so many times and his oscillator was hard on his soft skin on his face.  I didn't want him to suffer anymore.  As much as I begged to keep him here, I was tired of making him fight to stay.  He didn't have to do it for me, for us.... I wanted him to be pain free and I guess if that means he had to leave us to get that, well than I will live with the pain of missing him the rest of my life.

As we come up on five years of having been separated from each other in this world and Heaven, I thought maybe it would have gotten easier with time.  Honestly this has been probably one of the most difficult years so far.  I don't know exactly why but my heart just aches in missing him.

Tonight I went for a walk with Jennings and Madelyn and in walking I saw the sky filled with pinks, and purples and blues.... I wonder what the view is looking down from Heaven.  Tonight my heart feels sad and heavy.  Tonight he is thought of and missed more than ever.

Until next time,
Angie

The way we spend our days...

I wanted to posted a couple of videos on here to remember how we have been making it through our COVID quarantine days.  Before I go into telling about how our days have been spent, I wanted to mention that not an hour goes by that I haven't been thinking of Noah and exactly what are lives were like 5 years ago this date....  Honestly I decided after Noah's 5th birthday that I couldn't look recap the feelings thoughts and details like I did the week before his birth because honestly it was too hard.

I hope it doesn't mean I don't think of him as much as that I'm not honoring him the way I should. I think of him and he occupies my mind so much, it was just that I found myself sliding into a deep hole of grief and while I think grief can be like the ocean coming and going in waves, I found myself feeling like I was caught in a tidal wave and couldn't get back to shore.  Jarrett and I talked and honestly his birthday was really hard for both of us.  We spend the majority of his 5th birthday night in tears and in talking we decided, that if it hurts us too much to relieve some details, than maybe we chose not to do that.  Noah' doesn't need us to feel sad to remember him.  In fact I believe he's in the greatest place he could be, if he can't be with us.  He doesn't have pain, or hurt, or have to deal with any of the hard things we are dealing with here... he is good.  He doesn't need us to worry and so in talking I made the decision that I was not going to go back and reread each day that I wrote, I would instead remember the highlights in my head and celebrate his life as they come to me, and they most definitely do.

In two days it will be 5 days since he left us and I know it will be a hard day, but I am determined to try to find ways to make it an okay day.  I will try to live in the present moment with my family here because honestly big things are happening, even as we stay at home and try to keep our family safe.

So in speaking of that I wanted to share some videos of what our family has been up to... We are running out of ideas of things to do so we are having to get creative, as you'll see.  Meanwhile you'll see Jennings has gone from 11 month old to toddler it seems overnight... when did my baby know so many words, having the ability to walk all over and now climbs up on his scooter car and moves like he's 18 months, not even a year.   As fun as it is to watch him, my heart is aching that he's already getting so big.

So here's the videos... how we've been spending our days...

Madelyn surprises me with her magic while I try to work.

The kids do their daily exercise (including the biggest kid), while I try to work.

We added a bounce house to the living room, because it's too hot outside to play in it... while I try to work.

Jennings moves constantly, spending a great deal of time by the door looking and calling out for Daddy, while I try to work

Notice a theme. :-)

And when the day of work is done, we go swimming. Here's the newest activity the kids are trying to stay occupied...

And more of Jennings moving....

And more of him emptying our cupboards....

Not too many dull moments around the house.

So there you have it.  The days are flying by and as hard as some of them are, I crawl into bed each night and give thanks for the time we are getting to spend, and that our family is still safe and healthy.

Until next time,

Angie

Father's Day...

Happy fathers'd day to all the wonderful dad's out there.  Jarrett and I are thankful for the wonderful dad's God blessed our lives with and while we can't be with them today, we are thinking of them and so grateful for all the ways they care for, love us and guide us in life.

Happy Frather's Day Dad and Papa!


I wanted to take some time today to recognize and thank Jarrett for the incredible partner and dad that he is.  When we starting building a "we" all those years ago, I knew you would be the perfect compliment to me and I knew with your patience, integrity and compassion that you would be a wonderful dad.

What I didn't know was  all the million other ways you would show me how incredible you are as a father.  You are our leader, our protector, friend, mentor, and so much more.  You work so hard day in and day out to give us the best life and you selflessly do it over and over no matter how tired you are.

When we were kids (and I do mean kids because that's when we started dating), I knew I had found someone who connected right to my soul and when I dreamed of what I wanted my forever to look like, it was someone God created who I was fortunate to grow up with... you.

When our lives together began all those year's ago, did you ever dream we'd have a whole crew of children both here and above that are the legacy of our love.  Michael jokes with his friends that he has so many siblings because "Well my parents love each other."and as funny as he makes it sound... he's actually right.

These last many years have had lots of ups and down but I can't imagine sharing them with anyone but you.  You have pulled me along on the depths of sorrow and lifted me up on the highest of mountains... when I think of all that life is... I picture you always by my side.

Jarrett, we love you so much.  Thanks for being so wonderful to us.

Happy Father's Day!

Love,

US

Noah's Birthday...

As hard as Saturday was for me, I tried to keep my emotions in check (pretty much failed) but continued to walk ahead one step at a time to do things to honor him.  

I got up and went for a run... I ran a 5K to celebrate his 5th birthday.  I ran by myself and the entire run I thought about his birth, those first moments, the first trip to the NICU and how scary it all was.  In the middle of my run, Kristal, the nurse who was by my side through delivery texted me birthday wishes for Noah.  It was her strength that helped me try to stay calm as we knew the moments of his birth could be very serious if they weren't able to get him intubated.  I was thankful for her reaching out.

When I got back home the family was starting to wake up and I found it hard to keep myself from letting tears stream down my face.  At least when I was running it kind of looked like sweat.  Jarrett kept the kids as I had to run a few errands to finish up the gifts to take to the hospital.  I went and did that while he stayed with the kids.  Normally we would have done it as a family but with COVID-19 we are being extremely careful in what we do.  

I had made plans to take the gifts to the hospital and included in the gifts were signs the kids made for the NICU staff to thank them for their dedication to save the babies.  I thought the kids did a nice job on their signs.

When I drove to Banner Desert, I couldn't believe how different the place was.  It definitely took me back and was a clear reminder we are in very different times.  I was met by the security guard who gave me a cart to place everything on while maintaining a huge social distance.  It felt weird, scary almost, I pray someday we can get back to the times when visitors can go into the hospital freely to show care for loved ones.  It was just another reminder for me that we will do everything we can to avoid getting this virus.  

I delivered the gifts, left right away and came home, took everything off before showering and scrubbing any part of my exposed skin.  It felt good to take gifts but I also felt sad that we couldn't do some of the normal things we always have done each year to honor him.  A friend of mine, when I voiced this concern days before said, "perhaps you need to use this as a reminder that you should do what you would do if Noah was here." It was a great way of reminding me that if he was with us, we would have probably stayed home as a family and spent quality time together.  So that is what we did.

We went swimming as a family.. the kids really enjoyed it and it as one of the only times when we all got into the pool.  Afterwards Jennings, Belle and I sat on the swing and talked, while Jarrett and Madelyn held hands and talked about laying in the shaded sun (as Maddie said).  It was sweet.  The boys had wrestled enough in the pool and decided to go in to watch their show.  Which was okay.  I've learned that as much time as we spend together, it is good to give time apart as well.  

That evening we ordered pizza from our favorite pizza place which had been shut down since last November which finally reopened.  I reminded myself, that was probably something else we would have done if Noah was here and then we watched Brave as a family.  We then had rainbow sprinkle cookies to celebrate Noah's birthday, even Madelyn and I sang to him and we let Jennings try his first bite of cookie.  He liked it. 

  It was very low key and as the night approached, I could feel the weight of the grief taking over.  I felt sad I just couldn't bring myself to post anything on Facebook or Instagram like I normally do, Jarrett did instead.  I decided I was feeling grief like I had felt in those early days and the best way to handle it sometimes was to just try to sleep.  So that's what I did.  It was before 9 pm and I put myself to bed.  I didn't sleep the best but I knew the next day the pain and weight wouldn't feel so heavy.  After 5 years I kind of have learned how to manage the hard days... pray for the lighter days that sometimes follow.

So that's what we did.  This birthday was hard but we still found many good things during that day.  I am so thankful for those who still remembered him and reached out to us.  It means so much to me.

Until next time,

Angie

5th birthday...

Five years ago today you were born. It was a day I felt so happy that you had made it through delivery and were doing okay.  You were the baby I had dreamed about for many years and the one I wished so much I got to bring home. 

You gave me the first experience of knowing what it is like to feel life inside of me.  You showed me that dreams do come true.  I will always remember how amazed I was at how perfect you were... and your movements just like a full term baby, just much smaller. 

Noah, when you were inside of me, and we found out you were a boy I immediately dreamed of what it would be like to be your mom when you were 5 years old.  I smiled as I thought about dropping you off for Kindergarten or how you'd probably play with trucks and run them around the floor of my feet while I worked in the kitchen.  I wondered how you'd play with your big brothers... how they would teach you things I probably wouldn't want you to know yet but how we'd get through it and that someday those big brothers were going to be your best big buddies... how they'd take you around, let you be in their shadow.  You'd never have to worry about anyone bigger than you giving you trouble, because I"m sure Gabriel and Michael would protect you to the end.  Dreams... so many of them.  

And I guess maybe that's why I can't shake the feeling of sadness this day.  In past years I've always found your birthday to be a happy one, it reminded me of the fact that you lived.  Today I can't stop thinking about how badly I want you here.  How those dreams are just that dreams.  

I feel guilty thinking this and feeling sad when I have so many gifts around me.  Seriously I have 5 kids all around me as we watch Brave together.  How can I not feel joyful?  I guess I just miss you, maybe that's it.  

I suppose it's the fact that I kind of feel like the world around us is falling to pieces.  Between this virus and the hate and the divisiveness in our country, it is hard to not feel sad about where things are too.    

When we started Noah's Kindness Project in your honor, we did it to add more kindness to the world.  It seems today now five years later, that we are so extremely short on that.  Last year after we celebrated NKP I was told by people close to me that they chose not to participate in it because they didn't need to publicize the kindness they share.  That we do NKP for attention, for praise.... and honestly this comment has bothered me for the last many months.  It's part of the reason I can't bring myself to post about the date this year and to finalize any of the plans.  It really hurt me their comments because the last reason why we created this project was to gain attention or praise.  We did it to honor you, to give back to the world as we had been given so much too.  And so now I fear when I talk about you that people will think I do it for attention.  I don't do it for that reason.  I do it because I love you.  Because I miss you.  Because I don't want you to be forgotten.  And I think that's another reason why my heart hurts tonight... because I want to celebrate your birth, to shout from the hills... happy birthday in Heaven.  Instead I feel like I can't share you.  

Please know that today I tried to honor you and celebrate you, while being safe.  I ran a 5K to celebrate your 5th birthday. I safely took gifts to the NICU to celebrate the people who worked so hard to keep you and the other babies alive, we gave in your honor and we spent time as a family.  

Noah, I hope you had a wonderful birthday in Heaven.  I hope you had the best birthday party with our loved ones there with you.  I hope you could feel my love, all these miles away.

Happy birthday Noah.  

Love you always, 

Mom

PS: To those who reached out to us today, who shared the kind gifts and remembered this special day for our family.... THANK YOU.  I can't tell you how much it means to me, to us.  From the rainbow flowers the rainbow print fabrics, the gifts made in Noah's memory, to the amazing cookies, the loving text messages and the calls.  Thank you for remembering.  Thank you for still remembering him five years later.  Thank you for letting us talk about and keep his memory alive.  Thank you for loving us and loving him.  You are the rainbow in our cloud.  

This night 5 years ago...

This was the post...Angie has gone into labor as of Friday night late. Please say prayers for her to have a smooth delivery and recovery. Please pray for both her and Jarrett to remain strong and positive through this process. And please, please pray for Noah James to be healthy and strong. God bless their whole family.


So many emotions... you'd think 5 years later it would be so much easier.  Truth is... it isn't.  I wish I knew why..

June 11, 2015

Sigh.... no other words for tonight.  I miss him



Dear family and friends:

Yesterday, the third full day in the hospital, was a good day.  After hearing the great news that Angie remains free of any signs of infection and that the doctors ordered the continued administration of the medicine that keeps contractions at bay, the day was largely uneventful, apart from several nice visits. 

My parents and Angie’s mom and aunt brought the kids in the morning to visit.  We announced the name of our baby, Noah James.  It was something of an emotional conversation as Angie explained, in terms kids can understand, where things stand, where things could go, and the importance of praying for the health, safety, and well-being of Baby Noah.  Gabriel and Michael, being older, seemed to understand and were visibly concerned and affected.  Isabelle, for her part, certainly misses Mommy.  The only way we can keep her from crawling up into bed with Angie is to put on “Frozen” on the room’s TV.  She doesn’t like to see Mommy with the IVs and monitoring equipment all around her, saying “Mommy, no band-band” (bandages) to indicate her wish that Angie be free of such things.  We again try to distract her as she is carried out of the room.  This is the family picture we took while the kids were here:

Thankfully, the kids are staying quite busy this week.  The boys have Kyrene Summer Academy in the morning and VBS and swim team in the evening.  Isabelle has swimming lessons (she’s in the “shrimp” class and is happy to be there – a very enthusiastic swimmer indeed!) just before VBS.  They spend the rest of the day with our family members, who have been keeping our household going – and giving the dog some attention – in our absence.  Some dear friends have also devised some system for sending meals to our house.  Our friends and family have showered us with offers to watch the kids, shuttle them around, bring meals to the house, bring food and items to the room, and so many other things.  I cannot omit to remark, for it is so often on our minds, how very blessed we are to have so much love, support, and kindness around us! 

Finally, here is a short video Angie made this morning from the room:

Angie had an ultrasound and a blood test just a few minutes ago.  We will attempt to provide an update later today. 

Jarrett and Angie

Part 2:

Dear family and friends:

The fourth full day in the hospital is coming to a close.  We are thankful to be at this point.  When we got here, we were under the impression that delivery would be imminent.  We had no idea that a baby could continue to stay in utero after the premature rupture of the membrane, and she was experiencing contractions only a couple of minutes apart at that point.

Angie had some blood work and an ultrasound performed today.  She had previously had a white blood cell count of 24,000, which was in part a reflection of the steroid shots administered one and two days earlier.  (A "normal" range is approximately 4,000 up to 10,000 cells per microliter.)  The white blood cell count may indicate the presence of infection, which is what we hope to avoid.  Thankfully, her white blood cell count dropped to 13,000 in the last couple of days, so it is trending in the right direction.  Apart from having too little iron (she takes a supplement with her prenatal vitamins), her blood work looked good.  The doctor ordered an ultrasound to look at how the baby was doing.  The ultrasound, which didn't take long on account of its limited scope, showed Noah's somewhat cramped circumstances (he is positioned pretty low), but also showed his beating heart, his lungs functioning as he breathed, and the presence of some amniotic fluid in his stomach (meaning that he is still receiving and drinking at least some).  He also wiggled and moved a bit during the short time his picture was being taken.

Angie remains free of signs of infection, and continues tolerating the magnesium sulfate well.  Visits from friends and family are greatly appreciated, particularly when Angie is feeling up for them.  It is great catching up and finding out what is happening in the great wide world.  It also really does help pass the time and has the added benefit of keeping our minds off other matters.  With the gifts we have received from hospital visitors in recent days, we have quite an assortment of food (snacks, fruit, candy, you name it), reading materials, playing cards, personal care items, and so much more.

Our family, recently initiated into our hectic world full of children's activities (they walked into the single busiest week of our summer activity-wise), has completely picked up the slack at home.  It helps that there are now, since Monday night, more of them so that they may split up tasks/shuttling the kids around and have some time to visit us here.  The boys are also being helpful at home.  When my parents arrived at the hospital today, I went home to shower and get some fresh clothes.  When I got there, Gabriel was actually putting Isabelle down to nap.  As I walked in, he was tucking her into bed, putting her favorite blankets on her, and he motioned for me to be quiet so as to not disturb her.  I heard him say "Now get some rest, Isabelle, and you can go swimming later," as he backed out of the room.  Wow.

One final note for tonight: as I type this, we just finished listening to Baby Noah's heartbeat on the monitor.  His heartbeat was strong and exhibited the variability that they wished to see.  We also heard him moving about.  It was wonderful.

We appreciate your continued support and prayers.

Jarrett and Angie