Our final night together... 5 years ago tonight.

Five years ago tonight, I would have done anything, anything to have switched places with you, to save you.  I begged God, pleaded with him, negotiated and tried everything I could think of to get him to let Noah stay.  

We knew the options left to save him were few and that we needed basically a miracle.  I asked God to please give us one and let him be okay.  To reverse the tides.  By this point in the night I hadn't we had realized that our time with him was limited so we tried to make the most of the time we had.  The nurses in the NICU had cleared out the entire pod and moved the other babies and their families to a different location.  I remember feeling guilty that they had to be relocated and wished so much we weren't that family that was being told there was nothing left they could do.  We called in our family and most people were able to come with us.  We asked our parents to stay the night and the staff prepared a family room down the hall so we could stay with him.  It seemed like a whirlwind and a bad dream I was going to wake up from.

Jarrett and I took some time to go into the family room but I felt guilty not being by Noah's side.  What kind of mom was I if I left him in his final hours.  I remember my chest being so full of milk and hurting but knew there was no point to pump, he would never benefit from it.  My heart was breaking... and I wished I could be taking his place.

I'm so thankful for Melanie and Brandi and Becky and the others who helped find a way to let us hold Noah.  It had been 11 days and the most I had been able to do is help change his diaper and hold his finger.  I can still remember his tiny body placed into my arms.  It was incredible.

Throughout the night we went to his bedside, I'd put my head against the bed and I'd sing him "How Great Thou Art"  I couldn't get the song out of my mind.  To this day I still have a window on my cell phone browser that is open to the song lyrics... the same page I had open throughout his stay in the NICU.I don't know if he heard it, or if it made a difference, perhaps it was more for me.

As the hours ticked by on the clock I dreaded the beeps and I knew each round of cares was one more closer to his final one.  Thank goodness Brandi worked that night and I am sure it was a miserable night for her... I don't know how you get used to it as a NICU nurse, maybe someday she can tell me the secret.

As much as I didn't want him to go, I remember looking at him and I could see the toll the 11 days fighting so hard had been on his body.  He was swollen, his poor tiny veins had been poked so many times and his oscillator was hard on his soft skin on his face.  I didn't want him to suffer anymore.  As much as I begged to keep him here, I was tired of making him fight to stay.  He didn't have to do it for me, for us.... I wanted him to be pain free and I guess if that means he had to leave us to get that, well than I will live with the pain of missing him the rest of my life.

As we come up on five years of having been separated from each other in this world and Heaven, I thought maybe it would have gotten easier with time.  Honestly this has been probably one of the most difficult years so far.  I don't know exactly why but my heart just aches in missing him.

Tonight I went for a walk with Jennings and Madelyn and in walking I saw the sky filled with pinks, and purples and blues.... I wonder what the view is looking down from Heaven.  Tonight my heart feels sad and heavy.  Tonight he is thought of and missed more than ever.

Until next time,
Angie