You gave me the first experience of knowing what it is like to feel life inside of me. You showed me that dreams do come true. I will always remember how amazed I was at how perfect you were... and your movements just like a full term baby, just much smaller.
Noah, when you were inside of me, and we found out you were a boy I immediately dreamed of what it would be like to be your mom when you were 5 years old. I smiled as I thought about dropping you off for Kindergarten or how you'd probably play with trucks and run them around the floor of my feet while I worked in the kitchen. I wondered how you'd play with your big brothers... how they would teach you things I probably wouldn't want you to know yet but how we'd get through it and that someday those big brothers were going to be your best big buddies... how they'd take you around, let you be in their shadow. You'd never have to worry about anyone bigger than you giving you trouble, because I"m sure Gabriel and Michael would protect you to the end. Dreams... so many of them.
And I guess maybe that's why I can't shake the feeling of sadness this day. In past years I've always found your birthday to be a happy one, it reminded me of the fact that you lived. Today I can't stop thinking about how badly I want you here. How those dreams are just that dreams.
I feel guilty thinking this and feeling sad when I have so many gifts around me. Seriously I have 5 kids all around me as we watch Brave together. How can I not feel joyful? I guess I just miss you, maybe that's it.
I suppose it's the fact that I kind of feel like the world around us is falling to pieces. Between this virus and the hate and the divisiveness in our country, it is hard to not feel sad about where things are too.
When we started Noah's Kindness Project in your honor, we did it to add more kindness to the world. It seems today now five years later, that we are so extremely short on that. Last year after we celebrated NKP I was told by people close to me that they chose not to participate in it because they didn't need to publicize the kindness they share. That we do NKP for attention, for praise.... and honestly this comment has bothered me for the last many months. It's part of the reason I can't bring myself to post about the date this year and to finalize any of the plans. It really hurt me their comments because the last reason why we created this project was to gain attention or praise. We did it to honor you, to give back to the world as we had been given so much too. And so now I fear when I talk about you that people will think I do it for attention. I don't do it for that reason. I do it because I love you. Because I miss you. Because I don't want you to be forgotten. And I think that's another reason why my heart hurts tonight... because I want to celebrate your birth, to shout from the hills... happy birthday in Heaven. Instead I feel like I can't share you.
Please know that today I tried to honor you and celebrate you, while being safe. I ran a 5K to celebrate your 5th birthday. I safely took gifts to the NICU to celebrate the people who worked so hard to keep you and the other babies alive, we gave in your honor and we spent time as a family.
Noah, I hope you had a wonderful birthday in Heaven. I hope you had the best birthday party with our loved ones there with you. I hope you could feel my love, all these miles away.
Happy birthday Noah.
Love you always,
Mom
PS: To those who reached out to us today, who shared the kind gifts and remembered this special day for our family.... THANK YOU. I can't tell you how much it means to me, to us. From the rainbow flowers the rainbow print fabrics, the gifts made in Noah's memory, to the amazing cookies, the loving text messages and the calls. Thank you for remembering. Thank you for still remembering him five years later. Thank you for letting us talk about and keep his memory alive. Thank you for loving us and loving him. You are the rainbow in our cloud.
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