As hard as Saturday was for me, I tried to keep my emotions in check (pretty much failed) but continued to walk ahead one step at a time to do things to honor him.
I got up and went for a run... I ran a 5K to celebrate his 5th birthday. I ran by myself and the entire run I thought about his birth, those first moments, the first trip to the NICU and how scary it all was. In the middle of my run, Kristal, the nurse who was by my side through delivery texted me birthday wishes for Noah. It was her strength that helped me try to stay calm as we knew the moments of his birth could be very serious if they weren't able to get him intubated. I was thankful for her reaching out.
When I got back home the family was starting to wake up and I found it hard to keep myself from letting tears stream down my face. At least when I was running it kind of looked like sweat. Jarrett kept the kids as I had to run a few errands to finish up the gifts to take to the hospital. I went and did that while he stayed with the kids. Normally we would have done it as a family but with COVID-19 we are being extremely careful in what we do.
I had made plans to take the gifts to the hospital and included in the gifts were signs the kids made for the NICU staff to thank them for their dedication to save the babies. I thought the kids did a nice job on their signs.
When I drove to Banner Desert, I couldn't believe how different the place was. It definitely took me back and was a clear reminder we are in very different times. I was met by the security guard who gave me a cart to place everything on while maintaining a huge social distance. It felt weird, scary almost, I pray someday we can get back to the times when visitors can go into the hospital freely to show care for loved ones. It was just another reminder for me that we will do everything we can to avoid getting this virus.
I delivered the gifts, left right away and came home, took everything off before showering and scrubbing any part of my exposed skin. It felt good to take gifts but I also felt sad that we couldn't do some of the normal things we always have done each year to honor him. A friend of mine, when I voiced this concern days before said, "perhaps you need to use this as a reminder that you should do what you would do if Noah was here." It was a great way of reminding me that if he was with us, we would have probably stayed home as a family and spent quality time together. So that is what we did.
We went swimming as a family.. the kids really enjoyed it and it as one of the only times when we all got into the pool. Afterwards Jennings, Belle and I sat on the swing and talked, while Jarrett and Madelyn held hands and talked about laying in the shaded sun (as Maddie said). It was sweet. The boys had wrestled enough in the pool and decided to go in to watch their show. Which was okay. I've learned that as much time as we spend together, it is good to give time apart as well.
That evening we ordered pizza from our favorite pizza place which had been shut down since last November which finally reopened. I reminded myself, that was probably something else we would have done if Noah was here and then we watched Brave as a family. We then had rainbow sprinkle cookies to celebrate Noah's birthday, even Madelyn and I sang to him and we let Jennings try his first bite of cookie. He liked it.
It was very low key and as the night approached, I could feel the weight of the grief taking over. I felt sad I just couldn't bring myself to post anything on Facebook or Instagram like I normally do, Jarrett did instead. I decided I was feeling grief like I had felt in those early days and the best way to handle it sometimes was to just try to sleep. So that's what I did. It was before 9 pm and I put myself to bed. I didn't sleep the best but I knew the next day the pain and weight wouldn't feel so heavy. After 5 years I kind of have learned how to manage the hard days... pray for the lighter days that sometimes follow.
So that's what we did. This birthday was hard but we still found many good things during that day. I am so thankful for those who still remembered him and reached out to us. It means so much to me.
Until next time,
Angie
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