Today as I write this my heart feels heavy. In a strange way, I kind of feel guilty for saying that but the truth is, I feel that way and so I'll say it... My heart aches when I think about them.
Last week, we learned that Gabriel will begin a new unit at school this coming week, a unit called "All about Me" The purpose of the unit is to teach the kids to like themselves, to have confidence and to be proud of who they are and where they come from. On Friday, Gabriel came home with a note from his teacher stating that in the next couple of days, the kids should work together with their parents to find some baby pictures that he can bring into the classroom to share with this class.
As you can imagine, this brings up a lot of emotion for all of us in the family. It is a subject we discussed in length at our adoption classes and we brainstormed many different ways to handle the situation. I think as adults we can sometimes over think and stress about things and I guess I'll admit, I'm probably guilty of this in this situation also.
When we talk with Gabriel about this, it doesn't seem to phase him one bit and although he remembers his life with his foster family, it almost seems to him that his life started when he came to be with us. I, on the other hand, am fully aware of the fact that for the first 4 years of his life, he was not with us and for that, my heart aches that I did not know him, that I was not there with him and didn't get to help him when he may have needed it.
We knew going into the adoption process that it was a strong reality we probably wouldn't have pictures, mementos or really anything to show the boys from their life before us. To our surprise, when we learned about Gabriel and Michael we also found out that we would have a few small things to show them. Thankfully and luckily we feel blessed that their birth mother had taken several pictures and posted them online. We were given access to some of those photos which I had copied right away and have been saving for the right time to show them (when that day will come, I have no idea).
As we get ready this weekend for Gabriel to go back to school tomorrow, I decided to browse through those photos to see which baby pictures I could send with him. I am thankful, very thankful to have several pictures of the boys when they were babies and I have pictures of them with their birth mom who obviously loves them very much. In looking through the pictures, I am saddened by the fact that I didn't get to hold them in my arms when they were just days old, that I didn't get to see them take their first step or hear their first word. I am sad that I can't identify how many months they were in certain pictures, because I wasn't there when it was taken. I feel like I/we've missed a large part of their life and someday when they have questions about what their first word was, or when they started walking, I'll only be able to stare back at them with a blank look on my face... I'm sorry honey but I do not know.
Maybe this won't be a big deal to them, Jarrett kindly reassures me and says it probably won't be to them. "They are boys and boys don't really think about all of those things." I can't decide if he is telling me the truth or if he's just trying to calm my fears. What ever the case, I guess it still doesn't change the fact for how my heart hurts today. It is almost like a grieving process we have to go through and maybe it is better I get over this now so someday I can help them, when they start to understand all the emotions that go along with with the simple question, "Who are you?"
I feel like the assignment of taking baby photos to class, for most families is not that big of a deal. For us, I feel it opens up a chapter in our lives (both theirs and ours) that bring emotions and questionsto the surface that can be hard to think of answers to. I want the boys to be proud of the fact that they were adopted, and to understand they have two sets of parents that love them very much.
As I sift through the poor quality baby photos we do have, I stare into Gabriel and Michael's innocent faces and wonder what it would have been like, if it was me who had given birth to them, had experienced all of their firsts with them. But then I stop and remember the whole purpose of this new unit at school. It isn't a unit about me, it is a unit for Gabriel to learn about and to love all that makes him who he is. His past is a part of that and that is just one of the many reasons why we love who he is. I try to push aside my selfish emotions and give thanks that his birth mother cared enough to give him life and to bring this kind, gentle and mature little person into the world. For if she hadn't, he would have never come to be with us and for that my heart would truly ache.
Until next time,
angie
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