Well, it actually isn’t a jar, more of an old cool whip
container. But slap some duct tape on it, write a name, paste some stickers,
cut a slit in the top of the plastic lid and you’ve got yourself a compliment
jar. It isn’t the prettiest but it works.
The brainchild of the compliment jar came from me spending many a nights fretting over how not being the best mom i can be and how some days, scratch that most days, I feel like all I spend my time doing is correcting behaviors and providing discipline. Don’t get me wrong, Gabriel and Michael are not terrible, in fact, most of the time they can be great. However, in my duty to try and make them be the best children and future adults they can be, I feel like most of the words coming out of my mouth are “Don’t do that, NO, I said what I meant, Why did you think that (fill in the blank) was okay to do” and so on.
The other day, at dawn, I was out at walking before anyone else in the house stirred (and from my previous posts you know it has to be early), taking my 45 minutes of the day for myself (which by the way will be another post as I didn’t realize just how important that time is and what I was missing). While I looked up at the sky as the sun started to meet the horizon, I reflected back on the night before when the boys decided to have a “challenging” day. I pondered what I could do to turn the consequence train around and replace it with something chugging in a positive direction. That’s when I came up with the duct tape compliment jar.
Before I go any further, let me share with you that we’ve tried many things to encourage positive choices. We’ve used bribery, sticker charts, bribery, trips/vacations, bribery, rewards systems; did I say bribery? I feel like we’ve run the gamut of options and although intentions start out great, often 2 or 3 days into it, the boys loose interest, we lack the follow through and soon the boys are back to their old tricks.
Returning from my walk, the boys were up and playing. I told them to come to the kitchen as I had a surprise for them. I explained that I/we wanted them to work on trying to do make as many good choices as they could to get as many compliments as possible. For example, if you listen and do what is asked on the first time and you receive a compliment, you get a penny. If you do something on your own without asking (for example, help change a load of laundry or set the table), you will get 3 pennies. I said, “ You keep track of how many compliments you think you get, and at the end of each day, over dinner, we’ll talk about it. Before bed you get to add your pennies to your compliment jar” Jarrett immediately expressed concern thinking we were going to go bankrupt in the first week, but I assured him we wouldn’t, for there is a second part of my plan. I then went onto explain, that for each compliment you get, you will have at least one penny added to your jar, however, if you decide to make a bad choice, you will lose one penny. Hearing that second part, the relief was clear for Jarrett, indeed, we would not go bankrupt on my new plan.
Unlike the sticker chart, our excellent efforts at bribery, and the reward systems, this was also a plan that involved mom and dad’s active participation as well. See I’ve become really good at giving consequences. It seems sometimes the timer on the microwave (what we use for timeouts) resets itself to the exact time I need for how long the boys spend in the time out chair or their room. That just gives you an idea of how often it is used sometimes. So giving consequences, I’ve mastered. Giving positive reinforcement and compliments, I have NOT. It isn’t that I never do it, it is just that I expect the boys to behave in a certain way and when they do it, I guess I just take it for granted and don’t verbally give them the praise they need. Or I look at a period of a day and instead of complimenting them on the 50 things they did well, I focus on the 2 choices that weren’t so great. It is one of my many bad habits and one I need to break. I need to be more aware of and encouraging of the positive behavior.
The other benefit is that the boys are interested in saving their pennies so they can go to “Toys for Me” as Michael calls it also know as, “Toys R Us” to buy something they’ve long wanted. So far they’ve each picked out a Spiderman web shooter. We stopped by another store on Sunday to show them the web shooter and to see how much it costs so we know how many compliments they have to get to buy it. Although they’ll be working at it for a few weeks, I told them if they can get to a certain amount, Mom and Dad will help pay for a few dollars of it too. Jarrett reminded me pennies don’t go too far these days, and most people, if they see a penny on a street, won’t even pick it up. Not this cheap mom, I love to find pennies, but I digress.
So here we are day 4 into our compliment jar as so far it has
been going well. I am quite determined to keep up this efforts as I at least
want to see the plan through the boys getting to purchase their first reward on
their own. By then I hope they’ve learned they have to work hard to earn
enough money to get a toy, that positive choices and compliments are far more
enjoyable than consequences and time wasted in time out, and that mom can give
more compliments than consequences.
And the lessons to be learned are not exclusive for the two boys. There are very important lessons here for mom to learn as well. That praise and encouragement can go a lot farther than frustration, yelling and punishments. That demonstrating my love instead of my anger is how I want them to remember me when they are grown, and that in the whole spectrum of problems or choices, to let a few of the minor ones go by the wayside.
My hope is, that with two gaudy looking duct tape jars
sitting for all to see on the high counter in our kitchen, I will be reminded
daily to make more of an effort at encouraging.
Please wish us good luck.
Until next time,
Angie
No comments:
Post a Comment