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| My little buddy.. us girls have to stick together. |
On a short tangent, I love it. It makes me so happy to hear that song and usually we crank up the volume and all of us sing along. I wonder if it is because we've been spending more time together as a family in the car. Prior to Dad and I carpooling, we usually split up each morning, one of us taking the kids to drop off and the other raced off to work. Now that we all go as a family, I wonder if our "signs" are coming more in the car since we are all together. Could just be me putting two unrelated pieces of information together, or it could be just our little boy letting us know, he's never too far away. As a mother living with the reality her child is in Heaven, I choose the last option... it makes me happy and brings me peace... so what harm is there in believing it.
Anyway, back to last Thursday... As I turned on the car and started backing out of the drive, "Stand Up and Dance" came on to which Isabelle shouted from the seat behind me, "Mom, it's baby Noah's song." I love that she calls it that. I said, "Yes Isabelle and turned up the volume." Driving down the road we sang together until the song came to an end and the radio announcers came back on the radio. Isabelle got quiet, I turned the radio volume back down, and at first I thought she was listening to them talking. I was wrong. A few seconds later she said, "Mom, where is Baby Noah?"
I paused for a moment (we have had this question before), to decide the best way to answer it. I said, "Isabelle, Baby Noah is in Heaven."
"Mom, how did Baby Noah get to Heaven?" She asked.
In trying to come up with an answer that is understandable and age-appropriate for a 4 year old, I said, "Honey, when Baby Noah was so sick, God decided it was better for Baby Noah to live with him in Heaven than here with us."
"But how did he get there Momma?" With each question, the sadness in my heart unraveled throughout the rest of my body. How unfair is it that I have to explain such a deep concept to my daughter of all of 4 years.
I asked God in my brain again... "Why?" but there was no response. I realized Isabelle wanted a specific picture of how Noah got to Heaven. So I tried a different approach. "Honey, I think God sent an angel to carry baby Noah to Heaven so he could be there with God."
"But Mom, why did God want baby Noah to be with him?" My hormones along with not sleeping that well, and the fact that it is still so hard to accept that Noah is gone, made it almost impossible to hold back the wall of tears waiting to flow freely.
"Isabelle, I don’t know why God wanted baby Noah to be with him instead of us. But honey we have to know Baby Noah is okay and he probably loves living in Heaven with Jesus." I wiped the tears away as I pulled onto the freeway. I told myself, I can't drive safely with watery eyes, so think about something else.
Isabelle, seemed to accept my answer of an angel carrying him away, as she was quiet for a few more seconds. I looked at her in the rear view mirror and she was looking over at the infant car seat next to her. Moments later she said, "Momma, where is baby Noah gonna sit when Sweetie Pie comes?" I wasn't sure what to say, how to respond or even how to react. I wasn't even sure how to take her question. For a minute I thought, "Well she must think that seat is for Noah. But why would she ask it in that way? It was almost as if she was telling me well, he's there now, but what happens when my baby sister comes along? Fumbling around with my words, ah, um, well.... Isabelle eventually chimed back in and said, "He can sit by me." I decided her answer to her own question was perfect. I simply said, "Belle, that's nice of you to let him sit by you."
I sat quietly for a few minutes after Isabelle's comment and kept glancing back at her in the mirror as we drove to dad's work. She seemed so happy, looking out the window and back at the baby seat next to her. I wondered. She's always seemed to have a special connection to Noah... I wish so much I could hear and see what she thinks and feels. Could it be, just maybe, her and her brother are connected in ways, us adults (or me) are too blind to see?
Rounding the airport almost to Dad's work, my mind drifted back to the NICU and of those precious days with my little boy. He was such a fighter, so beautiful and such a gift. I relieved the specific moments of each day as I drove. As the exit for Dad's work approached, I glanced again back at Isabelle as a new song on the radio started playing.... I recognized it right away and moments later I heard Isabelle scream with excitement from behind me, "Momma- It's Baby Noah's song again!"
In life sometimes there are no answers. Why my son, our miracle baby, the one we were told we would never conceive, was born at 24 weeks, had to leave us 10 days later? I'll never find an answer that I'll be okay with. There are no answers. And the truth is, as much as I want answers, I know the answer would not take away the pain, sadness or loss I feel. So I'm accepting it as what it is.
Instead I choose to look at this life for what I can see, for what I feel. Why "Stand Up and Dance" became "Baby Noah's Song" I don't know. What I do know is that Isabelle decided to adopt it as our family song with a connection to her brother and that each time we hear it, we think of him and feel happy. What I also know is that, my daughter, has a connection to her little brother, the brother she only met once.
Until next time,
Angie
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