These were the pictures I took of Isabelle keeping me company while I spent most of the weekend in bed.
I'll never forget it for the rest of my life. I had been having contractions for almost the entire weekend and having been taken off of the ibuprofen as they determined Noah's fluid level was too low, I just dealt with them having no idea what the possible repercussions would be. It was just after midnight and I had been tossing and turning most of the night. Thankfully Jarrett's parents had been down to help us over the weekend and just decided to stay the night, in case we needed them. Their staying is another part of this plan, that I can look back now and see God playing a part in. Because they were here, we were able to leave right away.
I tossed and turned and tried to dose back to sleep. I had been laying on my right side, facing Jarrett who had his back turned to me. I still have trouble to this day sleeping on that side now. Almost dozing off, I instantly heard a pop- exactly like a balloon popping and without thinking I jumped out of bed to feel fluid running down my legs. I had never been pregnant before, I had never experienced water breaking and yet I knew instantly that is exactly what had happened. I screamed for Jarrett to wake up and raced to the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet I felt more water leak and had millions of thoughts racing through my mind. I yelled for Jarrett to hurry and get dressed, that my water had just broke and that I needed to go to the hospital. I found a maternity dress my neighbor had let me borrow on the cedar chest in our bathroom, I threw it on, grabbed my flip flops and raced to the van. I sat in the passenger seat, waiting for Jarrett to come out and I started praying. I reached for my cell phone, and started to text my family. It didn't matter that it was about 3 in the morning their time, I said, "My water just broke.... on the way to the hospital... please pray" It would be the last text I sent, until morning. Instantly my contractions started and I begged Jarrett in my mind to get out to the car. A few minutes later he came out and I begged him over and over to please hurry. I have never been more scared in my entire life.
On the way to the hospital I called my OB's on call number and told them my water broke. The doctor on call just happened to be at the hospital and he said, "Come right away." We arrived at OB triage, Jarrett and I raced in and we hit the button to go through the double doors. We didn't know we were suppose to check in, there was no time, my contractions were on top of one another and I worried our baby boy was coming. I walked in to the counter and I remember the woman at the counter looking at me like, "I think you intended to go to the ER, this is the emergency area for pregnant women." I had just started showing and didn't even look "that" pregnant. I told her, I'm 23 weeks pregnant and my water just broke. Fighting back tears, I think she then saw my fear and realized the urgency of the situation. They immediately got me into a triage room where a couple of nurses were in trying to help stabilize me. One hooked me up to the monitor, the other tried to put the sensors on my stomach so they could figure out if Noah was okay. It was such a relief to hear his strong consistent heartbeat. The other hooked up the blood pressure cuff and the other put that thing on my figure to find my heartbeat. They called the doctor and said he'd be in in a few minutes. The one nurse asked me if I was sure it was my water breaking and I told her I was completely confident. She still said they needed to test the fluid to make sure. She took a cotton swab and rubbed it along the inside of my thigh, minutes later the test confirmed what I had already told her. Meanwhile my contractions were continuing to increase in frequency and in pain. Soon the doctor appeared at our door and gave us what would be the first of many conversations about how the timing of this was terrible, how at 23 weeks our son wasn't at a viable age and they couldn't do anything if he was born this soon. It was horrible. Heart wrenching is an understatement. It was a living hell.
The doctor told us that they would be moving us to labor and delivery and that when our son was born they would allow me/us to hold him until he passed in our arms, if he was born alive. I couldn't even process what I was being told. It was a living hell.
In another act of God at work, a woman happened to come into OB triage who was having her baby immediately and was moved into the open delivery room. As a result of her coming in and taking the open delivery room I was suppose to be moved to, the doctor made the decision to try and stop my labor... thus giving me, giving us, giving Noah the chance to continue his life. Before knowing what had happened I laid on the gurney in the triage with tears streaming down my face. Jarrett and I felt our world crumbling beneath us and prayed out loud for God to help us, to help our son.
A few minutes late a nurse appeared again with a shot of tributerline and another drug she injected into my arm. She said, let's hope this will slow or stop your contractions. We watched the monitor with eagle eyes and prayed again. It took a few minutes but at once we saw an increase in the frequency of the contraction grow. The medicine was starting to work. A few minutes later they were continuing to slow and another nurse appeared in my room. She said, "You are going to go to antepartum, a unit I never knew existed, but one I was so anxious to join. Anything other than L & D. The nurses tried to put in my IV which they had lots of trouble and after 5 tries, they finally got it in my hand and with my contractions stable, I was moved from triage to antepartum and into a bed that would be come my home for the next 5 days. It was the start of a journey that changed my life forever...
The next 17 days are going to be hard for me. I've tried to tell myself, they are just another date on the calendar and when I think about what Laurie has helped us see, I understand her point. But yet, I can't shake this feeling in my heart, the nagging on my soul and the thoughts that race through my mind. I look down at my beautiful daughter and give thanks to God that she is here. Oh am I thankful she is here. She will, along with Gabriel, Michael, and Isabelle will keep me going the next two weeks. And as much as I love and am so thankful for them... I sure miss that little boy I said goodbye too too soon.
If there's one thing I think I've figured out about grief and the person I am today, its that I'm always gonna feel a deep hurting loss in missing Noah, in wondering what life would have been like. My life today is beautiful... I have 4 wonderful children here that I love more than life and that I need to be here for. But I'll never stop loving, never stop missing and never stop wondering about Noah.
A year ago tonight, my life would change forever. This has been a journey that has pushed me to the breaking point, has thrown me in the depths of despair and has scarred me forever. It has also been a year where I've found great faith, where I've been carried out of despair by so many of you and a year where I've found life's beauty again in a precious baby girl.
A year ago tonight...while we've come so far, the pain and grief is never far away.
The last picture I took on my phone before my water broke... I found this idea as I laid in bed before my water broke. I thought this would be a perfect idea for Noah's first birthday. So many hopes and dreams... hopes and dreams that will never be.
A year ago tonight.
Until next time,
Angie
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