After all those weeks and months of worrying that Madelyn was going to come early, it only seems ironic that Friday, May 20th I was scheduled to be induced. And as I woke up that morning I could hardly believe we had made it to that day.
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| Our last family photo before Madelyn's birth. |
Jarrett had been calendaring himself out at work for weeks before, expecting her early arrival so when the morning of our induction came he had to go to work before we were suppose to arrive at the hospital at noon. The timing actually worked out perfectly as my parents flew in day before and the kid's school for the year ended the day before. Why not have everything start on the same day... summer break, parents visit and of course have a baby.
Jarrett returned to the house around 11:15 to which he decided (perhaps with my coaxing) that he should shave before our big event... it had been a few days (maybe weeks) and he couldn't possibly meet our daughter looking unshaven. I was nervous, having completed every nesting task one could think of, stopping short of alphabetizing the kid's books in their bookshelf and I sat in the recliner chair rubbing my belly, thinking... its finally go time. Knowing we needed to leave our house around 11:30 to get to the hospital in time, I left Jarrett in our bathroom and waited nervously, chatting with my parents in the living room. Somewhere amongst the shaving, Jarrett decided a haircut would also be a good thing. Normally I'm his barber but not wanting to get tiny hairs all over and not wanting to shower again, I asked my mom to cut his hair, which she did. She quickly cut his hair and Jarrett jumped in the shower. It was about 10 minutes after the time we were suppose to leave. I was starting to get in a panic.. I know, hard to believe, me in a panic. With the hospital bags (4 of them- we pack light), waiting by the door, I decided I could put myself to use and started carrying them out, along with my mom. We loaded everything in the back of Jarrett's car. I set my water bottle, the keys, and my cell phone in the back of his car while I picked up the bag and put it in the back of the car. Feeling like I had accomplished one more task, I reached for my water bottle and cell phone and shut the back hatch. It was about 3 steps later when I realized I had forgotten the keys, I turned back to push the button to open the hatch when I realized it was locked. No worries I thought, Jarrett just drove home, he probably still has his keys in his pocket. I walked in the house and said, "Honey, I need your keys, I just locked the other set in the car." Jarrett responded from the bathroom, "They are in my work bag near the door going outside to the garage." Immediately my heart sank... you mean the work bag we just carried outside and put in the back of your car?" Oh my goodness (perhaps I said a more choice word), and looked at my mom in a panic. It was 11;50, we were due at the hospital in 10 minutes, its a 20 minute drive away on a good day, and everything we needed for induction (ID card, wallet, insurance cards, bags, camera, etc) was locked in the car with both sets of keys in our driveway. Awesome... NOT.
Thankfully my parents remained calm in the situation and dad said, "Jump in my car, we can take our van, I'll drop you off, we'll call someone to unlock the car and bring it up to you when its unlocked." I was fuming... how could I do something so stupid? I know... my mind was not thinking about loading the car, it was thinking about what I would be experiencing in a few hours... LABOR, and CONTRACTIONS, and PAIN and JOY and LOVE as our daughter was born. Not on loading the car.
We decided to follow dad's plan and before we had even backed out of the driveway I had a lady on the phone lining up a guy to come out and unlock the car. She said, "Man there's a $150 trip charge and the usual fee for unlocking the car is $250" I thought to myself... just add it to the growing list of charges. Sure, send him out please ASAP, I told her. On the way to the hospital Jarrett thankfully remembered that we had still a few days left of our On-Star plan that came with the car. What great timing. I looked up On-Star's number, he called and they proceeded to ask him a series of questions about the ID account number (we had no idea), the email account associated with the account (he gave two email addresses before trying a third which was the correct one), and finally a password (to which he had no idea... don't we all have too many passwords (but that's another blog post)). Finally they asked him a few other questions after his request and they decided they had enough information to verify that indeed he was the owner of the car and within 2 seconds they had unlocked the car. I called my mom back at the house and asked her to go try the car... she walked outside and said, "Oh my, now its unlocked." I then asked her to load the kids and bring the car to the hospital. Mom agreed and I called the lady back who I had just scheduled and canceled the service call. I then sighed, thankful to have saved a few hundred dollars.
We got to the hospital and I checked in, having to tell the registration lady I didn't have any ID, insurance card or credit card to pay the fee, but that we were getting the car unlocked and would be here, so there was no chance of me taking off. Thankfully she was really nice and totally accommodating... guess we might not be the first couple to lock their keys in the car prior to delivering.
After getting checked in, we took a seat in the lobby and a few minutes later a nurse name Amy came out to greet us. She walked us back to room 25 in the labor and delivery unit. It was so surreal being there, the last time I had been behind those closed doors, I was being wheeled in a bed down the hall after having spent a week lying in a bed being pumped full of magnesium. I guess maybe I should have looked up at the lights in the ceiling as I walked in this time, it might have felt more familiar.
Inside room 25 of Labor and Delivery land, Amy showed us the room, gave me a beautiful (NOT) light green with blue and green leaves gown and some evergreen non-slip socks. Totally the most adorable birthing outfit ever! She told me to change, then she would ask me a series of questions, insert my IV and we'd get the induction process started.
The nerves built in my stomach with each passing minute... nerves of uncertainty, nerves of excitement and all at the same time still trying to process that it was really happening. At some point Jarrett went out to greet my parents who had finally arrived with the car I locked full of all of our stuff and he appeared back arms overflowing with our crap (ah, I mean bags). By that point, Amy had inserted my IV and was waiting for Dr. A to come by to examine me to determine what induction process we were going to follow.
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| Thought we better capture a picture when we were both still smiling. |
Soon enough, around 12:45, Dr. A appeared inside my room, with a smile. I could tell too, he was excited that this day had finally come too. He examined me and said, well your dilated already and 75% efface so we can start right away with the pitocen. He said the game plan was to come back around 4:30 and if my water hadn't broke by then, he would break my water to really get labor started. I secretly prayed that it would break on its own and that we'd be well on our way by the time he came back from the afternoon office calls. I should have known, from the sign of locking the keys in the car, we weren't on Angie's schedule that day... we were on God's scheduled plan (which when will I learn, is everyday)!
They started the pitocen really low, at a level 4 I believe and would increase the level by 2 every 30 minutes. Before Amy could even really get everything explained, my wonderful friend, Kristal appeared inside our room. She had texted me earlier in the day to say she had gotten the approval to come in at 3 and would be my sole nurse for her shift, but when she appeared well before 2, I was surprised. She smiled and said, "I couldn't wait to get here, I just had to make sure you were in good hands." Seeing her, took away a mountain of nerves and immediately my heart felt reassured, I trust her with my life and my baby girl's life. Kristal got me all situated and I asked if it would be okay to walk, (I had heard that with pitocen you have to be in bed hooked up to the monitors). Kristal said I did have to be hooked up to monitors for the baby but that they had one that was cordless (for lack of a better word) and that I could walk the halls to the blue lines (or stars- I don't remember exactly what the marker is now) at the end of the unit. For about an hour and a half Kristal walked with me, increasing the pitocen when the time called and honestly there wasn't any pain- it was like I was out with a girlfriend on a GNO (girls night out)- minus the adult drinks I guess. I loved getting to spend time with her.
We returned to our room and Jarrett turned on Ellen for us to watch. I stood at the end of the bed and swayed back and forth as I looked over at the pitocin monitor... it was at 12 and could go all the way up to 24 or 26 Kristal said. I prayed I didn't have to get that high to be dilated to a 10. I was currently dilated to a 4. As I swayed back and forth, Dr. A appeared back in my room, it was already 4:30 and my water hadn't broke. Jarrett and I had talked about this procedure a couple of times during the pregnancy and he always said he thought the term "breaking the water" was pretty gruesome and made him feel queezy. I worried he wasn't going to be very excited about this part, All I could think about was the tsunami of water Marybeth told us to expect gushing out of me, followed by Jarrett turning pale, getting light headed and collapsing into the seat next to my bed. Thankfully he was a trooper and it turns out, in his words, "that wasn't that bad, it was way better than it sounds." - you know because he was the one going through it. Actually it wasn't that bad, and just like Marybeth had said, there was a LOT of water... a LOT. Even Dr. A commented on the amount.
It was no more than 3 minutes after my water broke, just about enough time for Dr. A to slip out of the door, when my labor kicked in, I mean really kicked in. The contractions went from being nothing, to, well, my smile quickly turned to a serious face... A VERY SERIOUS FACE. Each contraction took my full concentration and I knew they were going to get stronger and more painful. After a while I remembered what my friend Melanie had told me.... Don't wait too long to get the epidural. Around supper time, I decided it was time.
The doctor who came in to do the epidural was very nice and Kristal said she was one of the best. I sat on the side of the bed, tried to breathe through each contraction. Jarrett was on one side of me and Kristal the other. Each of them reached out their hands for me to squeeze and that I did. I didn't think I was squeezing all that hard as the long a&& (Jarrett's term not mine) needle was inserted into my back, truth was the contraction was more painful than anything she was doing. As the epidural was being inserted, I leaned forward and that's when the second tsunami of water came gushing out (sorry probably tmi) but it was crazy. I literally sat in a pool of water around me... there was so much, any sort of towel, around me was soaked and still water pooled. Baby girl really was swimming in a warm pool! As I looked down at the water, I noticed it had a tinge of green color to it, but having had the exact opposite experience with Noah (no water), I had no idea it meant there would be cause for watching in the coming hours.
Once the epidural was in, all was right in the world... again. Literally the hours from 5 to midnight passed and I felt great, actually from the waist down I really felt nothing. Nothing to the point where I couldn't even move my legs. Every 30 minutes Kristal would come in and turn me, you know like Circle K turns their hot dogs on the warmer regularly. Yep, as silly as it sounds, its kind of what its like. Kristal said people typically dilate 1 inch each hour, turns out I was an underperformer... it took me forever, FOREVER I say, to get to a 10. Around 11 p.m. Kristal checked me and said, I think we'll be pushing soon!
It was music to my ears. I was so so ready to meet baby girl. I was already feeling like it had been an eternity that I had waited to meet her. Jarrett got on the horn and called our family. My aunt Anita I believe came to our house to stay with the kids so my parents and Jarrett's parents could be there. It was nice of them to come right away, if only we would have known it was going to be another 6.5 hours.
Around midnight Dr. A came in and checked me and said, it was time to begin pushing. I was so excited, so was Jarrett. We started the process of pushing and within the first few pushes it was clear, being so numb was going to be a problem. I couldn't even move my leg let alone feel if I was doing any sort of pushing. I tried my best to push, and Kristal, being the ever positive cheerleader said I was doing great, but I couldn't really feel anything and worried I'd never be able to get baby girl Madelyn out without feeling what I was doing.
Kristal agreed and after consulting Dr. A it was agreed that my epidural would be turned off, just long enough to let me gain some feeling (not pain, just feeling) back in my legs and other parts, so that I could feel to push. And then the epidural would be turned back on at a rate where I'd still feel pressure to push but not pain. Sounded like a great plan.
And all seemed to go well. First, the pitocen was increased again and an internal contraction monitor was inserted inside my uterus to be able to determine the strength of each contraction. As each contraction came I continued to push and with each one I was able to feel jut a bit more... again not painful but just like I had pressure. For a little while I felt like we were making progress, Kristal continued to cheer me on and reassured me that Madelyn was moving lower and was transitioning from a plus 2, to plus 1, then zero (or perhaps there is another term I don't remember). I was encouraged. And then...
Madelyn wouldn't move down any lower (she was stuck at my pelvic bones, despite pushing for several hours) and my epidural wore off completely! Yes she was stuck and I was feeling everything! The numbing from the epidural stopped and it seemed to happen in the short time between one contraction and the next. Instantly the pain was excruciating. Perhaps this is where I should pause and put a disclaimer out there...
For every woman who has birthed a child WITHOUT pain medications... I applaud you. I salute you. Actually I bow down on my knees and praise you. Holy moly you have to be one tough momma. I have NO idea how you ever made it through. Amazing.
Me on the other hand... not a fan of the natural, full pain experience and yet there I was, after 15 plus hours (and pushing for the last several) getting to experience it just how my mom and many mom's before me experienced it. Not gonna lie, I think there is a good reason we have modern medicine and I think there is a great place for pain medication in labor. Just my two cents.
Back to the experience...realizing things had gone from okay to "GET ME SOME PAIN MEDICATION!" in a matter of minutes, I asked Kristal to get the epidural back on. She called for the anesthesiologist on her call button and I heard him say he would come. I definitely remember that part. I tried my best to breath through the downtime between the contractions and push through the pain. We tried several different methods to try and get Madelyn to move down lower into the birth canal and yet with each contraction she'd move down slightly and then with each rest her head would go back up above my pelvic bones. I just couldn't get her pushed passed.
After what felt like 3 years, and still no anesthesiologist, I begged Kristal to go find him and I told her, I think she's stuck. By this point I had turned into the frustrated, defeated and really crabby Angie that couldn't find any relief, the contractions were right on top of each other. Kristal disappeared out of the room for a moment to call Dr. A and to find where our mystery pain med man was. I turned to Jarrett, started bawling and said, "Where the F&*K (excuse my language) is that d@*& guy at?" Jarrett instantly knew things had escalated to an even higher level of pain and urgency in getting me some relief. The minute Kristal returned, Dr. A was right behind her and I was in tears.
Madelyn wouldn't move down any lower (she was stuck at my pelvic bones, despite pushing for several hours) and my epidural wore off completely! Yes she was stuck and I was feeling everything! The numbing from the epidural stopped and it seemed to happen in the short time between one contraction and the next. Instantly the pain was excruciating. Perhaps this is where I should pause and put a disclaimer out there...
For every woman who has birthed a child WITHOUT pain medications... I applaud you. I salute you. Actually I bow down on my knees and praise you. Holy moly you have to be one tough momma. I have NO idea how you ever made it through. Amazing.
Me on the other hand... not a fan of the natural, full pain experience and yet there I was, after 15 plus hours (and pushing for the last several) getting to experience it just how my mom and many mom's before me experienced it. Not gonna lie, I think there is a good reason we have modern medicine and I think there is a great place for pain medication in labor. Just my two cents.
Back to the experience...realizing things had gone from okay to "GET ME SOME PAIN MEDICATION!" in a matter of minutes, I asked Kristal to get the epidural back on. She called for the anesthesiologist on her call button and I heard him say he would come. I definitely remember that part. I tried my best to breath through the downtime between the contractions and push through the pain. We tried several different methods to try and get Madelyn to move down lower into the birth canal and yet with each contraction she'd move down slightly and then with each rest her head would go back up above my pelvic bones. I just couldn't get her pushed passed.
After what felt like 3 years, and still no anesthesiologist, I begged Kristal to go find him and I told her, I think she's stuck. By this point I had turned into the frustrated, defeated and really crabby Angie that couldn't find any relief, the contractions were right on top of each other. Kristal disappeared out of the room for a moment to call Dr. A and to find where our mystery pain med man was. I turned to Jarrett, started bawling and said, "Where the F&*K (excuse my language) is that d@*& guy at?" Jarrett instantly knew things had escalated to an even higher level of pain and urgency in getting me some relief. The minute Kristal returned, Dr. A was right behind her and I was in tears.
By this point I was sick to my stomach the pain was so bad, and my heart rate was beginning to climb higher and higher. Where it had been consistently around 52 or 53 it was moving upwards of 75 and not done there. The same thing was happening with Madelyn's heart rate and they noticed some decents in her heartbeat. They decided she had been many hours without any water and so they decided to insert some fluid back into my womb to help relieve the pressure she was under. It seemed to help her. Meanwhile I was feeling like my insides were literally being torn up into tiny pieces.
Dr. A was (or tired to be) very reassuring to me and Jarrett, He said "She's moving down and your contractions are as strong as we'd like to see, and I think you can push her past your pelvic bones" I felt about 90% sure I wasn't going to be able to get her passed them, seriously we had been pushing for several hours without getting her to make any progress on that point, but I tried to push away my doubt and believe with the 10% left inside that maybe I could do it. Dr. A said we'll try to get your epidural back on and get you comfortable right away and see what progress you can make. I nodded in agreement as I tried to get through another contraction. I seriously think my head exploding might have felt less painful than what I was experiencing at that time.
As Dr. A left the room, I heard him express/request/demand that the anesthesiologist get into my room and get me some relief ASAP. Sadly the pain only got worse and I was begging for a c-section. I could clearly see out the small window in our room that the night had turned into daylight and looking at the clock I knew Kristal's marathon shift had to be coming to an end soon. It was almost 6 a.m. and we had been pushing for the last many hours (several of them without any pain meds) and not making progress. I felt defeated that I wasn't able to get her out. While they believed in me that my body could get her out, I felt in my deepest insides that she was stuck.
As the minutes ticked by my heartrate elevated to 98 from around 52 and an alarm started going off at the same time a second alarm started sounded that Madelyn's heartrate was elevated and she was under stress as well. Her heartrate had been around 140 and when I looked over at the monitor it read 198 with big red numbers. Within seconds about 7 people came into our room, including Dr. A and a different anesthesiologist (praise the Lord) and, to be honest I believe at that point I might have just stepped outside of my body because I could see and hear rumblings between people but couldn't understand what they were saying,or doing. By this point I was making noises (moaning/screaming - again I am not exactly sure) to try and get through the pain. The minute I saw Dr. A's eyes I started begging for a c-section, repeating.. "she's stuck. I need a c-section." Looking at the monitors and then at me, it wasn't very long, maybe a minute before Dr. A agreed. From there things moved even faster than the room which to me already felt like it was spinning.
Jarrett helped recount for me that indeed things moved very quickly. The anesthesiologist gave me a bolus shot of epidural as when they tried to finally restart the other one, it wasn't effective immediately and was taking too long. I watched as some nurses helped Jarrett get garbed up and asked me to remove my jewelry. I remember my fingers had swollen in the 18 plus hours and I could barely get my wedding ring off. Within a matter of minutes I was being wheeled down the hallway into the OR. While I still felt pain, I can't tell you the relief I felt inside. I have never been happier at the idea of being cut open.
Inside the OR, the team moved very quickly. They were all garbed up, and some of the team stood at one side of the table and a couple others on the side of the bed they had just wheeled me in on. They rolled me to one side, shoved some flat board under my back and body and then counted to three. They slid me over onto the operating table and laid my arms straight out to my side. They then put up a big screen and clipped each side around some poles. I didn't realize it at the time, but they were pumping me full of fluid as the nice new anesthesiologist stood at the right of my head. He and Dr. A talked about golf and how Dr. A had been to Augusta where some golf event had just happened. I tried to look up at the lights on the ceiling to see if I could see what they were doing behind the curtain but no such luck. I felt one of the nurses open a package, crack something and then start wiping my stomach. I knew immediately she was scrubbing me with the iodine cleanser I had once stocked back in college when I worked at the UIHC in restocking the medical supplies. It was about as close as I had come to being "a medical professional" and yet I knew exactly what she was using to clean my stomach.
I'm not sure how many people were in the OR with me but they scurried about racing here and there. I also knew the NICU team had been called in, not only because it is standard procedure with any c-section, but also because we had learned that the greenish color of my water breaking indicated Madelyn may have had a bowel movement during the stress of the labor and therefore she was at risk for swallowing some of the meconium. I heard the NICU team preparing baby's girls bed behind me. I laid there taking in everything I could and then at my head appeared one of the neonatologists who had cared for Noah that first day. She was the one who told us the NICU is a hard place to be and about the NICU dance... two steps forward and one step back. She came up to my forehead, put her hands on my cheeks and said, "I'm SO happy to see you back here at full term. I have to tell you, I keep the letter you sent us for Noah's Kindness Project with me and I read it often, even though it makes me cry everytime. I am so happy for your family." I immediately started crying. I felt the circle of this journey starting to close. The moment we had prayed for was within my fingertips and at the same time, my precious little boy Noah was still a part of the incredible happiness that was within my grasp.
At the same time, they allowed Jarrett to come into the room and told him to sit at the left side of my head. As he walked closer to me, I felt the nausea rear it's head again and as I said, "I'm going to be sick" I turned my head to the left as to not gag, and threw up all over the anesthesiologists arm. He had tried to be fast enough, but once again, they were too slow! I got sick a few more times, which I guess took up too much time because the next thing I heard was the Dr. say, "Dad put your camera up here comes your daughter!!!!"
I could hardly believe it was the moment I had been waiting for. I felt a lot of tugging, pulling, some pushing and then I heard Dr. A say, "Here she is!"
I love this picture. I feel like you can see. Dr. A's smile in his expression. His eyes say it all.
After I was shown Madelyn, they immediately took her to the NICU team to evaluate her and make sure she was okay. The first thing I remember after seeing her was hearing her high pitched, "I"M NOT HAPPY" scream. It was music to my ears.
The tears of joy flowed like rainfall from the skies of Heaven. It was another greatest moment in my life. As they worked on Madelyn behind me, Dr. A asked, "So what's her name, and thats when Dad, who was over with Madelyn, said to me, "Mom?"... I replied, "Madelyn Faith." with tears streaming down my cheeks.
The team assessing Madelyn and cleaning her up then said, "Any guesses on how much she weighs?" I looked back to see her getting ready to be placed on the scale and I said, "I think 8 pounds" Dad guessed too and then she was put on the scale...
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| See that little rainbow in the background? |
Several people cheered and laughed as they saw that I had guessed exactly the weight.
After cleaning her up, sucking out her airway and determining she was all great, they wrapped her up and brought her back to me.
A moment I'll love forever...
They leaned her in and I inhaled love with the smell of that newborn precious baby. It was truly surreal.
Dad then came back and got to hold Madelyn in his arms and we took our first pictures with her. Thanks to the nice anesthesiologist who offered to capture the moments for us, despite me throwing up all over his arm.
I cried tears of pure joy. Tears of love. Tears of gratefulness in what we had just been given. Tears of looking at her and seeing hope in life again, in faith that joy can me so abundant after such loss and tears for grace.
Madelyn Faith's entrance into this world was different than we ever expected it to be. I had planned on seeing her come much earlier, much smaller and with a stay in the NICU. Instead her arrival came with her being full term, a hearty weight and as healthy as we could have ever wished for.
That first night in post-partum (a unit at the hospital I wanted to experience so badly), Jarrett, Madelyn and I sat together in a dimly light room. Jarrett and I stared down into her beautiful eyes as she looked up at us, wondering what the world around her was. Jarrett whispered to me, "Mom- she's exactly everything we prayed for. Do you realize our prayers for these last many months have been answered exactly as we wished?" And in that second I realized he was right. From day one we wanted to have a healthy baby who was full term and able to come home with us. Our prayers had truly been answered. Our strong baby girl who renewed our faith was in our arms.
Yes Madelyn Faith was the perfect name for her. Madelyn means strength giving and faith as her middle name... perfect symbols for the legacy she had created from the moment she took her first breath.
What an incredible birth story.
Until next time,
Angie
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