Today marks one year since that date and if I'm being honest its a date I've been dreading for the last 365 days. Maybe it's a part of the grief, maybe its just what we do to try and deal... but I've been watching the calendar for the last many months and pretending that June 25 was going to be just another day, when I know deep down inside, its just not.
And so that's why we talked with Laurie to get her advice about how to cope, how to process and how to best get through this date. Last week as we sat on her cream couches and I fed Madelyn under a cover up, I asked her straight out... "Laurie, the anniversary of Noah's passing is coming up and I'm dreading it terribly. How do we get through? What do you do? And I know what you're going to say about its just another date on the calendar. Right away I could tell she got what we were asking and she politely said, "You realize this is a date you are focused on... the 25th means nothing to him. He's in Heaven having a ball." I got her point, but she knew I wasn't going to accept that as my final answer.
She then continued onto say, "Have I talked to you guys about the grief train?" I looked at Jarrett, he looked at me and we looked back at her, "No, I don't think you have." She then said, I have it right here on my phone, let me read it to you.
As she read the verses one after another, I started to get the picture right away. When she finished she said, "You guys are standing at the train station, waiting for the train to come in. You know when it is scheduled to arrive, (12:10 on June 25th) and that train carries memories of what? I fought back tears...and tried to speak... "the moments of when he was passing, what his last few hours were like." And she said, "How does thinking about that make you feel?" I responded, "Devastated. and yet saying it I felt so guilty as I held our beautiful daughter, a gift I truly believe from above. Laurie continued, "Not only does it feel devastating, but it feels like you are living through hell again, no?' I agreed, that is pretty much exactly how it feels.
So there you are standing on the platform waiting for this train of sadness, overwhelming grief, of hellish pain. Now, why do you want to get on that train? I thought for a moment and said, "Well aren't we suppose to feel terrible on the anniversary of his death? I almost feel like I need to endure the pain and sadness all over again, just so I never forget how much he means to me. As I said it out loud I realized it sounded a little off, okay maybe a lot, but still, I've spent the last 365 days telling myself I need to hate, dread and despise this date on the calendar, shouldn't I feel this way? Laurie then said, "Who tells you you have to feel this way on the 25th? And an even better question, why not choose to try and feel the opposite."
As you stand on that platform waiting for the train to come in, why not think about a completely different train. Instead of the grief train that weighs you down with sadness and grief, think about the legacy of Noah and what that train would look like? Close your eyes and picture it instead. Laurie continued... "I see Noah's train as a beautiful shiny white train with a beautiful rainbow on the conductors car. I see all the kindness he brought into the world, the lives that were touched because of him and I see the love that was created because your little boy came into this world." I couldn't control the tears streaming down my face as I sobbed into a tissue. "Now," Laurie said, "What train do you want to get on as you stand on the platform?"
The answer was obvious. Once again she had shown me that while we can feel sadness, and miss our precious baby, that we didn't have to put ourselves through the hell of hating this date too. She said, "You guys have already lived through hell on earth. Why would you ever want to relive it." She was right.
She said, "Close your eyes now and I want you to picture Noah on that beautiful legacy train pulling into the station. He's waving at you and shouting "Hi Mom and Dad!" Now, picture him getting off and you getting to experience one of the dreams you had for him in his life. I opened my eyes and looked to my left, I could feel Jarrett sobbing next to me. Laurie asked Jarrett what he was picturing and it took him several minutes to try and get even a word out. I tried to fill in the words I knew he was trying to say, but in that moment I couldn't tell exactly what he was picturing. Laurie kindly asked him to describe what Noah looked like and how old he was. Jarrett barely got out that Noah was fair-skinned (just like dad) with sandy brown hair and was around 6 years old.
It was wonderful to hear Jarrett share the image he had of Noah as to me when I see Noah in Heaven I picture him as a young 20-something, handsome, strong, almost military built man with beautiful light brown hair and a melt-you-heart smile. Hearing Jarrett describe him as a little boy made my mind wander but I was still very curious to hear what Jarrett was thinking.
Laurie continued to ask Jarrett about the images he pictured in his mind. For the first time in many many months, (maybe since the day Noah left us), Jarrett let his strong guard down and allowed the emotions tucked away deep inside to come out. He was overcome with emotions and we patiently waited for him to be able to share what he was thinking.
I knew a dream Jarrett had was to play catch with his youngest son. Its something he relishes in, each time he can play with Gabriel and Michael and I knew he looked forward to doing the same thing with Noah. Jarrett looked over at me next to him on the couch and gave me a look like, "will you try to talk for me?" so I said, "Do you picture yourself playing catch with Noah?" He nodded as the tears came just as quickly out his eyes as mine. He took several deep breaths, tried to gather his composure and did his best to get one word out at a time. I looked over to Laurie who also wiped tears away from her eyes, she too knew just how hard these dates are... for her, March 31st is the arrival time of her grief train.
Jarrett quietly spoke.. I see Noah about 6 years old and we are playing catch. You know that scene from Field of Dreams, at the end? he asked us as he took another break, overcome with sadness. "That scene at the end where Kevin Costner is talking to his dad, and as the movie ends, he asks his dad if he wants to play catch. His dad says yes as the camera pans away with the two of them talking, although you can't hear what they are saying and the music begins." Through the sobs Jarrett said, "That's what I see between Noah and me." For a few minutes after Jarrett shared what he pictured, the room was quiet and we just took what Jarrett had shared.
As much as I enjoyed hearing the images he has of Noah in this different life, my heart ached terribly for the dream he has that will never be and that he never got to share it before now. I sat and looked down at beautiful Madelyn, now asleep on my chest, happy as ever, and I thanked God and Noah again for her.
Laurie added in her thoughts as we tried to gather composure again. She said, "What a beautiful image, a wonderful story.... I want to get on that train. Don't you?" And with that we smiled once again... "Yes" we both said in unison.
When we got home later that day, I had to google the video clip Jarrett had talked about and as I watched it, I couldn't help but think how perfect that clip is to describe what dream Jarrett has.
After watching the clip I realized so much of those scenes from the movie relate to how he feels. From asking if they are in Heaven (that must be what it will feel like for Jarrett on the day he gets to play catch with his littlest boy), to the camera panning back to his wife and daughter sitting on the swing (a reminder that we still have a life here to lead and that it can be joyous) and even when Kevin Costner asks if there is such a thing as Heaven (hearing the reassurance that one day we will be reunited again). As the camera pans away and a dad and his son are playing catch, I could almost visualize Jarrett and Noah in those bodies. A dad with his young son getting to experience a dream come true. One day it will happen.
And that's what we hold onto today. While the pain and sadness never go away and sometimes, like now I sit here with many crumpled up, used Kleenex and blurry eyes from all the tears... we hold onto hope. One day we will see Noah again, one day we will be reunited. And while that doesn't take away from the heartache that is permanently etched into our core, we are both making a choice today, not to get onto the grief train. Instead there is a beautiful white train with a big rainbow pulling into the station with images of dreams, visualizations of hopes, and the promises of tomorrows with our precious Noah. Oh and so many of you are a part of that legacy train, because of the love and kindness you showed us as we journeyed through those very difficult days a year ago. For we had to say goodbye to our precious little Noah, but boy did he bring a lot of love and kindness into this world. What a legacy for such a little spirit.
Noah... as we think about the legacy you created, you inspire me to keep going. I thank you for the gift you sent us in your baby sister as I've found hope and faith to keep going. Please know that I miss you more and more each day and that I think of you always. I'll be watching the skies today for you.
I love you always and forever. ~ Mom
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