Week 15. A scare.

July 12, 2015... I realized today I never got to finish posting the summaries from the weeks when I was still pregnant with Noah.  I had been writing them each week and then posting them.  Because we waited to tell people about our news until the second trimester, I had kept each week in my draft folder until each new week came... sadly I never got to finish posting these.

As I reread them this morning, I realized I wanted to post them.  I want to relive the moments of our time with him inside me.  While they weren't all sunshine and roses (now I wish I would have never complained), they were the true feelings and recollection of what our life was like.  And so I want them shared.  If not for anyone else to read or enjoy but for my sake, for our children's future memory of their brother.  See each year I take the postings from this blog and I turn them into a book.  The next chapter of our lives to sit under our coffee table as memories of what we have gone through in the past year.  They are one of the kid's favorite books and I often read them to remember just how far we've come.

Noah will always be a part of our story, our family and so I feel it only right that these weeks be included in our family books.

Oh what I'd give to go back to April 16.  Oh what I'd give to be able to be writing about the start of week 28 now.  How the chances of survival if he were to be born today, are so much greater.  How we'd be almost guaranteed we'd be bringing him home.  Oh the what if's....

But we will never know and now all we have is the memories.  So here's to the memories from when we were pregnant with Noah... Week 15.


Week 15.  A scare.

April 16, 2015

Last week started off like any other week… yep still sick.  I’ve found a new goal to shoot for.  Now that I am into the 2^nd trimester and still feel sick, I’m hoping the half way point gives me renewed energy and days without the ever present nausea.

Last week the baby was the size of an orange and while I wasn’t scheduled to see the doctor until week 16 (this week), we unfortunately or fortunately made an unscheduled visit.  Last Wednesday evening I went to the bathroom and when I was finished I noticed I had some blood on the tissue.  It wasn’t huge but enough to cause me immediate concern.  The doctor told me on the very first day, a list of symptoms to watch for, bleeding was one of them.  I immediately texted Jarrett, “I’m worried, I just went to the bathroom and am bleeding.”  He called me a second later. 

We talked about what to do and if to call.  I looked up all sorts of things on the internet (a pregnant ladies best and worst resource) and tried to find articles that calmed my nerves.  And that was all the blood there was, until the following morning.  That night I didn’t sleep at all.  Coupled with my normal sleeping problems and the fact that I was a nervous wreck, I stared at the clock and prayed for daylight to come.  Finally the morning arrive, I did my best to get ready for work and went in early.  I had to go to the West campus that day and while I tried to distract myself, I couldn’t stop worrying.  See when I went to the bathroom for the first time that morning, I found blood again.  This time I wasn’t going to wait to call, I dialed the afterhours non-emergency number.  The on call doctor was paged and within 2 minutes I received a call back.  The doctor asked me a series of some questions and I told her I am O Negative.  She asked me if I had gotten the shot earlier in my pregnancy and I said no.  She said it was best that I come in to meet with them and to have an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay.  She said, it could be a number of things and rattled off a series of a few medical diagnosis.  I remembered “shortening of the cervix” and “miscarriage”  While I was comforted to hear her say, it is best you come in, I couldn’t help but feel like I had done something wrong, like this was all my fault.  I remembered carrying my heavy bicycle and lifting it to put on my bike rack.  I also had to carry Isabelle, because she was too tired to walk on her own.  I know the doctor told me to be mindful of my activities and don’t lift heavy objects, but at the time I felt like I had no other choice.  Now I was sitting on a quiet bus with an hour ride to the next campus, feeling horrible, guilty and that I was responsible for what was happening.  The minute the office opened, Jarrett called and asked for the first available appointment, it turns out they said they were booked, but after some further explaining, she receptionist said she’d make some accommodations and call us back with the appointment time.  I couldn’t wait for her call back and when she finally did she said, “The only slot I have is an 11:30”  I told her I’d be there.

Jarrett decided he wanted to go with me to the appointment so we made plans to meet and he drove me to the office.  He tried to make light conversation and talk about Isabelle.  I knew he was purposely trying to calm my fears and talking about our daughter was probably one of the best ways to do so.  She always brings a smile to my face.  When we got to the office we were 27 minutes early.  I told him there was NO way I wanted to be late, especially since they fit us in.  Thankfully the ultrasound tech finished her appointment earlier so she called me back within 5 minutes of arrival.  Jarrett sat in the normal “partner” chair and I laid on the table.  She asked me some questions, and then started with the ultrasound.  She put warm gu on my stomach and then put the wand on my stomach just below my belly button.  Right there was the baby, and instantly she showed me the heartbeat. She said, “The baby looks great!”  I sighed with some relief.  She said were going to check everything to try to figure out where this blood might be coming from.  She looked around and around while baby turned and squirmed in various different directions.  I had had an ultrasound 3 weeks prior and I couldn’t believe how much bigger and clearer the features were this time.  The ultrasound tech explained exactly what she was doing and all the different features of the baby.  She showed us the different chambers of the heart, even the blood flow through it, the brain and many other organs.  She talked us through the development and how detailed exactly what the baby was doing at this stage to get ready for being born.  I was so thankful for her compassion, her empathy and the extra information she was sharing with us.  As she moved the want around she said, “Do you know you are having a contraction?”  I had no clue.  Jarrett asked if that’s why the baby looked pretty smashed in there and she said, the baby isn’t really smashed, they like to be all snug.  Plus it looks more smashed because mom’s bladder is full.  Indeed she was correct.  I had to pee like no other but I was so interested in making sure everything was okay, that the minute she called me I was not going to delay it any longer.  She then asked me if I would like to go to the bathroom, I said yes.  She explained that she wasn’t done reviewing everything but knew I’d be more comfortable without the pressure of having to go.  Another reason I was so thankful for her.

After my potty break, I returned and she finished up her investigation.  She said, everything looks really great.  She said, I’m not sure where your bleeding was coming from, but I’ll go review the results with the doctor and be back.  She handed us a few pictures she had taken, including a picture of the baby’s foot outlining all 5 toes and a facial profile.  I could see the eyes, mouth, nose and chin.  I feel like each time I see a picture, it becomes more and more real and I fall greater in love.

The wonderful lady returned a few minutes later and asked me if I had had the Rogam shot for my O negative blood.  I said, no and she said, I’ll be right back.  My doctor who was at another office location that day, talked with the on call doctor I had spoken with and was in the office where I was, along with the ultrasound tech.  Together they decided I should have the shot and there was no other reason why I had minor bleeding  I was given the instructions to take it easy, to rest and not lift heavy objects.  This time I was going to heed their instructions if it meant I had to beg a stranger off the street to help me carry my bike. 

Right before leaving I got my “shot” and 35 minutes later we were leaving with new pictures of our baby, praise to God that everything was okay, and fading fears restored by my faith in God’s ultimate plan.  Relief could be seen spelled across my face.

By this point I was starving and knew I had a small window before the hunger was overcome my nausea.  There was a Panda Express across the street and we made a beeline for it.  Jarrett and I got to enjoy a nice relaxing lunch, something that we NEVER ever have, and in a way, I was thankful for the opportunity to share a few minutes uninterrupted with my husband.  We talked about how thankful we were and I stared over and over at the picture of our baby’s face.  Studding each feature to see whose nose he or she has and whose chin that must be.  All things so new and exciting, and different that previous times we grew our family.

For the remainder of the week, I did pretty much what the doctor had ordered.  When I felt tired, I sat down, when I needed a rest, I tried to take a nap.  I’m so thankful for my hubby and the kids.  They have been so wonderful to give me the extra breaks.

Getting the confirmation that everything was okay, was another good reminder for me not to take this pregnancy for granted and to be reminded again, just how lucky I am to get to experience this.  Yes, the sickness sucks, yes I feel horrible more than I ever feel decent, and yes, sometimes that gets the best of me.  But this whole thing is pretty darn amazing, especially when you think about the fact there is another heart beating inside me.  Staring at my precious baby’s foot, the one that is made from parts of Jarrett and some parts of me, is truly a gift I never thought I’d get.  I’m thankful, oh so thankful and pray that all continues to go well.

Until next time,

Angie