When we had been told that Noah wouldn't be leaving the hospital in our arms, our lives crumbled in front of us. There were so many things happening around us, around Noah and now it seems like a whirlwind swirling around and yet my focus was on our son. Sadly, I knew our time was short. I sensed something back on the early morning of June 24th. I left the hospital the night before, June 23rd around 11:30 p.m. after my dad had just gotten into town. Leaving the hospital that night, I didn't feel right, but was reassured by the nurse he was okay and that I could call in or come back any time.
My parents drove me home, dropped me off and I called back to the hospital to see how he was. They said no change. I pumped, finished writing the blog post, and before turning off the light, I told Jarrett, I just don't feel right, I'm worried about him.
I woke up less than an hour and 15 minutes later and my worrying had gotten worse. I pumped again and called the hospital, his nurse said he wasn't doing as well as before but was okay. I laid back down tried to fall back asleep but couldn't shake the feeling. Ten minutes later I was up, showering and decided to just get ready for work later that morning, but first go to the hospital... it was 2:50 a.m.
As I drove to the hospital my stomach was in knots. I could just tell something was wrong, it was almost as if Noah was calling for me to be with him. As I started driving to the hospital, the gas light on the van came on. I stopped at the gas station to fill up and tried to move as quickly as possible. It turns out that stations pumps had been turned off, so I had to drive across the street to the other station to get gas. All I wanted to do was to get to the hospital.
When I finally arrived, I raced to the NICU and immediately upon looking at Noah, he looked so much different, and not the way he had been the days prior. I started crying, looked at all the machines... by this point we knew what to look for. It was not good. I called Jarrett and told him to come right away. It was the start of our hell on Earth. And its too painful to relieve anymore on here.
Noah made it through the entire day and that evening Mrs. Brandi, his other wonderful nurse was on duty. We didn't know how much more time we had with Noah and we were asked if we would like to have Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS) come and take pictures for us. I had never heard of the organization before but quickly learned it was a group of professional photographers who donate their time and resources to take final pictures for families losing a loved one. When they asked us if we wanted to have them come, I said yes right away. One of our family friends had offered to take professional pictures for us when Noah was born and sadly I never got the time to schedule it with her. So when we found out about NILMDTS, I was eager to get as many memories captured in our few hours we had left.
Suzie showed up that evening about 9:30 p.m. and stayed until well after 11 to capture the memories we wanted. She was so kind, compassionate, patient and genuinely sad for us. I was able to hold Noah first and when he was in my arms, his tube got all messed up. So much so that they determined they had to retape him, in my lap. I stayed as still as I possibly could and prayed the entire time that it would go okay. They got it done and next Jarrett was able to hold him.
Some of our best final pictures come from when Daddy was holding Noah on his chest. Noah was such a strong fighter. When Daddy was holding him, Noah's face was turned away from Jarrett's face, out of necessity to keep the tube in place. As Jarrett talked to him, recited stories including Green Eggs and Ham and told him all the things he wanted to do with him in the future, I stood next to him and recorded every second in my memory. I can see it as clear as air now in my mind. As Daddy talked to Noah, Noah started to pick up his head, off Jarrett's chest and tried to turn his head toward Jarrett's voice. It. Was. Incredible. For a baby at his age to do that, the nurses said it was never seen. As Noah tried to turn his head, unfortunately we had to have him turn it back to the machine that was helping him keep his lungs performing could do its job and so his tube wouldn't slip. It shot pins of needles through my heart and made me so proud of him all in the same moment.
After Daddy held Noah, they had to have him back in bed to fix his tube and it took a while. Yet Suzie waited around patiently to make sure she captured the time I again got to hold our son. Each time he was placed into my arms, it was the best feeling ever. His skin, so silky smooth, even though he was going through that newborn peeling stage. And his smell... oh my goodness if only I could have bottled it up and kept it on my nightstand for the rest of my life. He was laid right on my chest and I snuggled right into him. I kissed his head, rubbed his back and tried to tell him everything I had wanted to share in our lifetime together, in the 20 minutes I had with him right on my heart. Suzie snapped away pictures, but it was like Noah and I were the only ones in the entire pod.
Holding my son, having him pressed up against my chest was just as incredible as the moment he was born. I felt again like our hearts were connected beating in unison. While I knew my son was dying, I prayed to God to give us a miracle. Didn't he see how much I wanted him, how much I needed him? GOD, PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY SON... I begged him, I pleaded, I told him I would walk the ends of the Earth or anything else he wanted, if he could just grant me the prayer I was begging for.
It was out of my control.
As I put Noah back into his bed and the wires and tubes were all situated again. I knew that would be the last time I held him until all the machines were turned off. The pain I felt in feeling my heart break was unbearable. I would have done anything to have changed places with my son and went in his place. The tears that had started so many hours earlier, poured down my face and still I knew letting him go was what I had to do.
Suzie thanked us for sharing Noah with us and had given a pamphlet to our parents about when she would send us the pictures. I remember thinking in my mind as she walked out... when I see those pictures, Noah will no longer be here with us.
No parent should ever have to live through what we have and continue to go through each and every day and night. I don't know how we will ever get through this, how we go on... most days I still struggle to try and find enough motivation. When I say it is terrible, it in no way accurately conveys just how terrible life on this side of our son is.
And yet, each day some how I've found the motivation to get out of bed, to cry my eyes out as I run and then as I shower. I tell myself to try and get the tears out before I have to go to work and function like we are "okay".
Last Saturday, Suzie's CD of Noah's final pictures arrived and as soon as I saw it in the mail, I put it in our laptop and hit play. Jarrett and I sat together at our front room table, the only room in our house, I can sit in now and not have it feel so painful. I can no longer sit or lie on the couch in front of the TV... too many memories from being pregnant and to many days spent there dreaming of how wonderful our life was going to be there. I can't go there now.
Jarrett and I watched the images of Noah's beautiful life flash in front of us and we sobbed. We held each other and cried like the last hours we had with him. All the memories from those final days in the NICU came rushing back. I cherish those pictures now, they are one of the only things I tangibly have left to recount those moments. I am grateful for Suzie and to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep for giving us memories of the final hours with Noah. For capturing just how wonderful it was to hold our son and have him on our chest.
Life seems to carry with it a dark cloud now where ever we go. Its the sadness, I'm sure. So many things that we won't get to have, get to live, get to experience. But I'm thankful for the pictures and for the organization that remembers just how precious those pictures will become as families are living through their worst moments. For when I lay my head down at night and say my prayers, I now think of another group of people to thank...
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.
Here are some of my favorite images she captured for us to cherish...
When I look at this picture I think of God holding Noah in the palm of his hand.
God, please fix our broken hearts, give us courage to keep going, faith that there can and will be better days and hope that someday, our eyes will meet those of our sweet baby, Noah James. I can't wait for his warm embrace. Please be with us... this is so terribly hard.
Until next time,
Angie
Noah was such a beautiful baby. So glad you were able to have these memories captured for you to cherish.
ReplyDelete