Dear Noah... It's been a month.

Dear Noah,

A month ago today you left us behind and went to be with Jesus.

Seven months ago when I found out about you, you made my heart grow in ways you’ll never know.  Noah, for years your Dad and I longed to become parents.  To create a little person that came partially from him and partially from me.  I don’t know if you realize it or not, but your creation was for us, a dream come true.

Only God knows why you were created after 10 years of infertility, after me giving up on that dream of being able to give life from my body.  You were created after your brothers and sister made us the happiness two people in all the land.  Having you, after getting them, that was the icing on the cake, the cherry on top of the sunday, the winning lottery ticket… yes, Noah… that is you.

I know you know my heart is broken that I won’t get to see you grow, that I won’t get to feel you kiss me on the cheek, or hear your feet running throughout  the house.  The morning you left us behind, my world fell to pieces.  I don’t know how else to say it… part of me died that day too Noah.  A big part of me.  And now I feel incomplete, that a critical piece of our family puzzle is lost, and our lives will never be whole again. 

When I found out about you growing inside of me, I dreamed of what our life was going to be like.  I admit, I was scared to have four of you to take care of.  I wondered how I was going to get it all done, how I would handle four children and a busy life.   Now I realize how silly that was of me, and what I’d give to go back in time.  I’d never complain about how sick I felt.  I would never have been scared of having to care for four of you.  I would never have worried about how we were going to find enough money to pay for four college educations.  I wouldn’t have worried about that.   Instead, I would have marched straight forward, with confidence and excitement, for underneath my uncertainty, I always felt so excited and so in love with you.  If I could go back in time and change the past, I’d only worry about one thing… how I was going to be able to tell you, to show you, just how much I love you, in the lifetime we would have together.  That’s what I’d worry about; because that’s really all that matters.

Noah, you made me help see your brothers and sisters in ways I had never viewed them before.  Feeling you grow and move inside of me, I realize now what Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle’s birth mothers must have felt, how they must have loved them from the beginning too.  How lucky I am to get to be their mom, because I can’t imagine the pain their birth mothers must have gone through in having to “lose” their child too.  Feeling the grief I have in losing you, their grief is real as well.

Noah, you taught me to be okay with not having control over life.  You coming early, despite our best attempts to keep you inside, to protect you from this harsh outside world, were in the end, out of our control.  In case you didn’t know, your mommy, she’s a planner.  I plan the week, the month and even the year in advance.  I’ve done this since I was a little girl.  I think it might be an oldest child thing.  I find comfort in having a plan.  I get excited when things go as planned.  I feel stress free when I’m in control of how things are going, because I’ve worked it all out in my head and there’s a plan for how it should go.  But you taught me just how silly that living only by a plan can be.  See honey, you,  my precious, you were a surprise.  The best surprise in my whole entire life, but you were our surprise.

We didn’t expect you.... we were told we couldn’t have you.  God sent you to us, maybe you picked us.  Either the case, you were just what Daddy and I needed, what our whole family needed.  You taught me that it’s okay NOT to have a plan.  That sometimes, surprises and not having any control is WAY better than a plan.  See, I’ve learned that in my attempts to make life less stressful,  by following life in a certain way, I’ve been missing out on all the great things along the way.  Instead of enjoying the view and seeing all that’s out there, I’m too focused on getting to the end of the plan.  You, my baby, you showed me a new way of living... a life without a plan, a life where I don’t have to be or even want to be in control.  A life where living with my eyes, heart and mind is open to anything.

Noah, I struggle with why God took you home as quickly it seems as he put you into my arms.  I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with it.  I’ve realized no matter the answer, that I’ll never stop wishing it was the way I wanted it to be instead.  I’ll never understand and I’ve got to be okay with that.  What I do find some consolation in, is that I pray someday we will get to meet again.  I’ve dreamed of what that day will look like.  I wonder what it will be like when I come to Heaven (God willing).  I’ve said it before but I want you to know, before you went to be with Jesus, I really didn’t want to leave this world.  Death scared me.  Not any more Noah, I think about and feel confident that Heaven is going to be even more special than I ever dreamed and hoped.  You want to know why?  Noah, Heaven has to be the greatest place ever, because you are there. 

I dream of getting to the gates and on the other side, I see you.  You look like you’d be in your mid-twenties.  You’re tall, just like Daddy with strong muscles and light brown hair.  When I get to the other side of the gate, you reach out with your long arms and you embrace me.  Feeling your arms wrapped around me, you hold me tight for a long time and whisper in my ear… I love you Mom, I’ve waited a long time to tell you face to face.  You then take my hand and lead me into Heaven.  From there the images fade, but I feel happy, love and peace like I’ve never felt before.  That my son, is how I picture our next meeting to be.  I’ll continue to dream of that day.

Until then Noah, I need your help.  My heart is so broken and I long so much for you, but I know we can’t be together now.  I pray you will stay by us, in our lives forever.  Send us signs, reminders that you are okay and that you watch over us.  Please do.  But my dear son, what I need your help from now, is to help me to find a way to go on.  I need to be a good mother, the best mother I can be to Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle.  Help me to find patience, compassion, altruistic love in an unwavering commitment that is directed always to them. 

When I feel frustration and anger start to seep in as struggles come, help me to replace it with the focus of what I’d do if I can turn back time.  Help me to remember my only worry, is to help Gabriel, Michael, Isabelle, Jarrett and all of the other special people in my life know, the love I feel for them in the lifetime we have to share together.

Noah, please be with your brothers and sister. Please help them to understand that while Dad and I are so sad, our hearts are more and more in love with them every day.  Please help them always to remember that while they did not come from Dad and my genes, our connection is one of extra special recognition.  Help them to remember that in being chosen, our love formed in intermingled ways that it can never be untangled.  See, once you’re chosen, there’s no undoing it.  Help Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle to grow and find happiness in their lives.  Help guide them to make the best choices and to remember we only want the best for them, even though that might mean sometimes we don’t see eye to eye.  Help them to learn to live with the grief they must bear, for they’ve had more losses in their lives than Daddy and me.  Help them to know we will always be there for them, always love them, and always think of them as one of our greatest gifts. 

Noah, there is a list a million items long of all the things I wanted to do with you, of all the memories we as a family of six were going to create.  Now that slate has been wiped clean and I don’t know what our future will be like.  Here’s mommy trying to be okay again with no plan, no control.  Help me, help us, to find happiness in life again.  Help me, help us, to never stop seeing the rainbows you place in our path. Help me, help us, to feel confident that life still can have a meaning after losing you.   Help my heart heal, help our hearts heal, but let us never forget just how precious each minute of life is.  Help me to smile again like I smiled the minute you were born.  He me, help us, to feel that again.  Help me Noah.  Please, help us all.

Our family of six

Noah, if there’s one thing I never want you to forget, it is this.  Noah James Haskovec you are loved and loved by so many.  Noah, in your life you showed us the power of prayer, the importance of having faith, the gifts that kindness and support are, and mostly you showed us love.  My precious son, I have and will never stop loving you.  You will always be one of my greatest blessings and my life was made so much better, all because of you.

I will miss you forever.  I  will love you forever Noah James. 

  Until we meet again… Mommy